I M Perfect lady

Category: WIND

  • Go for Recess!

    "You can't use up creativity. The more you use, the more you have."  Maya Angelou


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    I love to see the beginning and then in a short time the transformations….

     

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    It is fun creating with others, for we each find new ways to do the same thing…stretching our imaginations.



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    I love seeing the different ideas emerge…while often I sit not knowing what to do… or how to start…or even have a vision.  The possibilities are endless.



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    …and laughter and friendships flow easily.  


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    and giving and receiving….happen in many ways.


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    And we all go home with a new idea materialized.

    Women In New Directions is two hours….twice a month…a refueling of energy that seeps into our everyday life…a place for women to go for recess!

    "Creativity takes Courage"  Henri Matisse


  • Creating WIND

    Going to WIND is like going to Recess, where you just arrive and play. 

    What I love is t…. no agenda, no meeting notes, no usual format to follow; rather we come to play and enjoy each other's company.  And yet, beneath the creativity and in its own organic way, mentoring happens.

    It is subtle.  Flowing.  A perfect phrase, an added voice, the gentle affirmation, a connection in understanding…the opportunity to glance at life from another's point of view…and to see your life differently.  The blending of ages and life experiences…

    Last night we played with beads…


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    Each were drawn to certain colors….


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    and shapes, designs and styles.  Nice to see many different options.


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    Some found a flow and pattern easily, others had a hard time deciding what felt right.


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    The memory wire was new to me and look forward to creating one someday…

    It was also very interesting to see bead sewing….painstakenly using thread and beads to weave this pattern.  I enjoyed my time which flew by….Creating WIND


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  • Breaking the Silence of Abuse.

    My quilts arrive at Fisher Hall, 135.  The venue wasn't quite prepared for them, but we managed to get them on display. They held their own, caught a few eyes…Even if the students didn't attend the RAINN movie and discussion, the quilts will be a memory…A Lady, her quilts and their story.


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    A young man stopped by, and spoke to me about how his mom quilted.  I believe, if we didn't put the quilts with a designated event topic that most steer clear of, but rather just display them….and let them draw folks in…they will give awareness to the affects of abuse and the wonder and power of facing your truth.


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    Two of my daughters came…Grace and beauty as they move around and helped with the quilts.   I do appreciate their willingness to attend.


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    And the Dial Help women….tirelessly offering their help with victims.  Trying to gain a visible stand in our community.  It isn't that their message or efforts are not what victims need….it is that victims are not made aware.  

    I find it a very complex and perplexing image….Victims in need, but not being led to those who have alot to offer….And those with alot to offer….wanting to catch the ears of victims. What seems to be a no-brainer, ends up leaving both sides wanting.


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    It is my humble opinion, that there are changes in the WIND, that we can create and shorten the span between the two sides. That we will no longer need events that 'educate', but rather we will host events that show the progress, the success and the creative power of breaking the silence of abuse.

    Thanks everyone who participated….

  • The Net will Open

    "Repetition is not failure. Ask the waves, ask the leaves, ask the wind. There is no expected pace for inner learning. What we need to learn comes when we need it, no matter how old or young, no matter how many times we have to start over, no matter how many times we have to learn the same lesson. We fall down as many times as we need to, to learn how to fall and get up. We fall in love as many times as we need to, to learn how to hold and be held. We misunderstand the many voices of truth as many times as we need to, to truly hear the choir of diversity that surrounds us. We suffer our pain as often as is necessary for us to learn how to break and how to heal. No one really likes this, of course, but we deal with our dislike in the same way, again and again, until we learn what we need to know about the humility of acceptance."  Mark Nepo, The book of Awakening

    Isn't it funny how we don't want to repeat things, but want things to stay the same, and oh, we want things to change without having to change.

    We can either be a willing participant in the flow of life as a learner or we can be dragged kicking and screaming into the next lesson, and the next lesson.  

    The Universe is set up for ultimate learning…each lesson gets repeated Until you get it.  It doesn't allow skipping ahead. Some may not see the lesson the first time or the 100th time.  Others learn to ask, "What is this situation here to teach me?"

    I look at myself in life either standing with the Universe/reality or against it. Most of my life lessons have been to show me where I have been blind.  Where the Universe and I did not match.  My 'truths' and The Truth were miles apart.

    I have learned to be a good learner…and to be willing to let my ideas, thoughts and beliefs, be wrong.

    Here is today's reading by Mark Nepo.

    "Far out at sea, a tuna fleet surrounded a group of spinner dolphins swimming over a school of tuna, catching them in a gigantic net. Small, powerful speedboats circled the animals, creating a wall of sound that disoriented and terrified the dolphins, who sank down silently into the net, only the movement of their eyes showing signs of life. But when a dolphin crossed the corkline at the edge of the net, it knew it was free. It burst forward, propelled by powerful wide tail strokes…. It then dove, swimming at full speed … down and away into the dark water, only to burst from the surface in a high bounding series of leaps." —JEFFREY MOUSSAIEFF MASSON 

    "This dolphin moment reveals a recurring sequence for us as human beings. Confined against our will—or even sometimes confined with our own consent—we go lifeless as we feel the need for space. Feeling confined, fearful, enervated, not sure where the edge of the net is—this is the depressive, confusing struggle that always precedes freedom."

    "But like these magnificent dolphins, we know the instant we are free, as an inner power overwhelms us, and we are compelled with joy to explore the deep which gives us the grace to break the surface, bounding briefly into a Oneness that is hard to imagine."  

    "This whole process describes in a moment of nature what Carl Jung called “the way of individuation”: how a divided individual sorts through their deepest confinements in order to pursue a wholeness of being."

    "If we have a call, it is to outlast the net so we can dive and break surface."  Mark Nepo

    I love how he says, "Confined against our will—or even sometimes confined with our own consent—we go lifeless as we feel the need for space. Feeling confined, fearful, enervated, not sure where the edge of the net is—this is the depressive, confusing struggle that always precedes freedom."

    Confined WITH our consent, is the key phrase…and how depressive, confusing struggle is what comes before freedom!

    Who knew that confusing depressive feelings are the struggle that will gain your freedom. To sit with those feelings and question your confinement.

    Feeling confused is a good thing…it means you are noticing the net…the individual you is stirring. Listen and feel…be aware. Watch your actions, your thoughts and others.  

    It may be time to start the lessons of your truth…how are you seeing reality and how do you feel in your reality.

    My body wasn't at peace in my old reality…I was no longer willing to be confined by the churches narrow individual stealing beliefs.  I was stirring before my childhood abuse truth surfaced.

    What I know, is that there are more women like me out there. Who are restless. Who are wanting something more. Who are tired trying to make work, that which is impossible to make work. Who are empty of self. Who are wanting more freedom to be, who are straining for the opening in the net…

    Within the churches pews are women who don't know how to begin to begin…who have never swam alone, never gone against the teachings of the church and family…who find themselves in abusive relationships, without skills to escape the net.

    A few have made it out….the path is being cleared.  Strength comes in knowing you are not alone.  You are not the only one, but one in many.  It wasn't your fault.  You were born into a system fully in play.

    The day will come when it is your time to slip the net. You will know. You will reach the moment when you know it is over. When you know you have to leave or die inside the net.

    Once I cleared the net…empowerment truly came.  Self empowerment…a free individual…strong in following my own truth.

    Tom Rosemurgy- (trosemurgy@houghtonsheriff.com )and Dial Help (482-9077) are two key places that will help you transition…they can partner with you on your exit out.

    And I am here to lend what I know.  bjukuri@hotmail.com

    Reach out….and the net will open.

    You are not alone.  




  • Learner of Abuse.

    I am reading "8 Habits of Love – Open Your Heart, Open Your Mind by Ed Bacon. 

    It is interesting in how we see ourselves in our story, as a victim, a hero or a learner.

    In writing the story three ways, you will see the difference in feelings within each.

    Somehow in lots of my writings, I do start out as the victim, then can go into the hero mold, but the learner role is one that I am most intrigued with.  By the end of each blog, I usually learn something not only about abuse, but about my life.  Here is what Ed wrote.

    "My friend and co-worker, Theodora, introduced me to a transformative rubric for life that was developed by Betty Sue Flowers, an author and educator. In a conference Theodora attended, the presenter asked everyone to write a brief outline of their autobiography in three different ways: first as a victim, then as a hero, and finally as a learner."

    "Those are three very different stories with three very different energies, and three very different outcomes. A victim feels the need to be defended, vindicated, or avenged. A hero needs justification, ego promotion, or validation."

    "And a learner? A learner seeks illumination, correction, and direction."

    "Learners open themselves to discovering the new in every situation, particularly challenging ones. To use a powerful phrase of Archbishop Tutu’s, the victim and hero mind-sets want only to perpetuate the “safe sameness”— the predictable and familiar. This is a closed mind-set. When I’m coming to Stillness, I frequently start out feeling more like a victim or a hero. Once I relax more deeply, I know that something transformative and fear reversing is going on as I feel myself relaxing, lowering my defenses, opening up, and becoming a learner."  Ed Bacon

    If we look at life as a learner of it, we will be more open, more expansive and more eager to explore the whys of our lives.  

    Learning about me and how I was formed, what my make up was and why I did the things I did and what was my frame of mind and or level of awareness has been a great lesson in learning about me.

    Being a Learner leaves you living in a wide open space…free to explore and be.  I will now say, I am a learner of abuse.


  • Living Things.

    In Michael Singer's book, "The Untethered Soul – The journey beyond yourself" he writes about death in a way that I have never heard before.

    "Let’s say you’re living life without the thought of death, and the Angel of Death comes to you and says, “Come, it’s time to go.” You say, “But no. You’re supposed to give me a warning so I can decide what I want to do with my last week. I’m supposed to get one more week.” Do you know what Death will say to you? He’ll say, “My God! I gave you fifty-two weeks this past year alone. And look at all the other weeks I’ve given you. Why would you need one more? What did you do with all those?” If asked that, what are you going to say? "

    "How will you answer? “I wasn’t paying attention… I didn’t think it mattered.” That’s a pretty amazing thing to say about your life."  Michael Singer

    Isn't it incredible when you see it this way?  

    It is amazing when you think of all the weeks and days we have had to live.  To do with this one life as we please.  

    Or have you not been free to live as you would like to live?  

    What is more scary to be in a life you don't believe in or to walk out of that life into the unknown?

    What would a life review look like if you had to take one today?  Would you stand by your life with full confidence you gave it your all, would you consider your life one that had great moments punctuated by peaceful enjoyment, offset by small journeys of hardship, back into new adventures; a growing work of art?  

    Would you see the growing sections and the places where you skipped a lesson and then had to do an even harder test?  Or would you see how fear stopped you from learning about life, expressing your feelings, spilling forth emotions messily, to maintain the facade of a 'regular' life?

    Are you passing the lessons or living a life of quiet desperation hoping for things to change, but NOT you.

    Today, as I sit here…I feel that I have lived two lives. One in compliance and one unruly.  

    I am in my unruly life.

    I love my unruly life.  

    My life of compliance was lived due to fear of not being accepted, loved or approved of.

    My life of being unruly means, I didn't care how my life felt to you…It only mattered how my life felt to me.

    Unruly on the outside means living a peaceful inside.


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    I had read somewhere long ago, that our insides should be calm like a mill pond. Mine are.  

    I am at peace with who I am…and how I lived. I did the best within each level of awareness I had.  And, when I knew better, I did better, as Dr. May Angelou says. 

    I am not done growing, the Death Angel has not arrived to give me my last week of life, so until then, I will live so as to not waste a moment.  I will strive to see as much as I can see…and do my life's passions…what makes my spirit come alive…filling my days full of artful things, natures things, family things, loving things, learning things, LIVING things!




  • Avoid the Pain.

    In the "Untethered Soul – The Journey beyond Your Self" By Michael Singer…he writes about how our inside fears determine our life.

    "People end up using their relationships to hide their thorns. If you care for each other, you are expected to adjust your behavior to avoid bumping into each other’s soft spots. This is what people do. They let the fear of their inner thorns affect their behavior. They end up limiting their lives just like someone living with an external thorn. Ultimately, if there is something disturbing inside of you, you have to make a choice. You can compensate for the disturbance by going outside in an attempt to avoid feeling it, or you can simply remove the thorn and not focus your life around it. Do not doubt your ability to remove the root cause of the disturbance inside of you. It really can go away. You can look deep within yourself, to the core of your being, and decide that you don’t want the weakest part of you running your life. You want to be free of this. You want to talk to people because you find them interesting, not because you’re lonely. You want to have relationships with people because you genuinely like them, not because you need for them to like you. You want to love because you truly love, not because you need to avoid your inner problems."  Michael Singer

    If you really understand this, you will totally get why you are drawn to different folks, why you make the choices you make, depending upon the thorn you are trying to hide…and IF you have worked the thorn out, you truly can move around the planet without worrying about being hurt.

    We all know each others hot buttons, what we really are talking about is the inner thorn, the weakest part of the person, that they are protecting. Which then makes us only as strong as our weakest spot.

    It is amazing how we literally configure our life so as not to feel this inner pain…so the inner pain ends up leading our life, not us.

    I built a whole life upon keeping me away from my abuse.  Nothing was in place for me, the spirit of me, but all was in place to keep the thorn from being felt and known.

    My life reflected the very thorn I was trying to hide.

    It was beautifully displayed in its horrific darkness…from the family who didn't discuss deeply, to the church who forbid questions, etc. My very small narrow life was lived so the world didn't disturb the thorn.

    Hard to explain in a short blog post, but just know, that any free will or open mind or new way, freaked out the protector of the thorn.  I needed to be around other thorn protecting folks.  Folks who too, didn't want to dig deeper than the surface scratch, who cultivated friendships and relationships that would keep the thorn nestled in quietly.

    I couldn't be around folks who asked too many questions about my narrow ways, for even I didn't know why why why I had to be this way.  How it was imperative that I didn't stray off the narrow road of control.  

    Who knew that my thorn was the legacy of abuse, and the behaviors I lived by was hammered into me, to keep the thorn hidden and not poking out.

    Once, I have sat eye to eye, heart to heart, and felt to the depth of my soul, the pain of the thorn's content…I can now live my life free.

    There are no weak spots slurping up my life's choices.

    I am free to live life, not to live a life protecting the unfelt thorn.


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    Moving my life by the music of my soul…dancing in love, peace and joy and not side stepping to avoid the pain.

  • Artful Things!

    Tonight at WIND we painted with Pastel Chalks…from a women who was an artist. Her daughter shared her with us tonight…as well as her artist tools.  I hope her spirit was delighted to see them out of the box and being used by women of WIND.  


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    Thanks Laura!  


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    My Daughters…being creative.  

    What was very interesting to me, is that my daughters caught on to how I behaved in a group doing art.  I was rude.  I was not able to do both.  I would listen and then get distracted by art….or pick up bits and pieces of the conversation.  Very interesting to hear about myself.  If you would have asked me, I was paying attention all ways.  

    Instead, I was swinging from right to left brain….unbeknownst to me.  I wonder if this is how a child feels in school?  I will have to stop creating to listen.  Sorry for anyone who was left hanging mid story.  I slipped into my picture…


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    Love the smiles Ladies!


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    Each person's art was so interesting to see.  I love how we just began with blank white a table full of colors and we drew so many different things.  


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    Thanks girls for drawing with Me!  

    I will ponder how I can get so easily distracted, how it is now hard for me to do two things at once.  Usually, I am alone playing with my art. Group Art is something I haven't done since High School Art Class.

    The next time we meet, we will once again play with Pastels…and other mediums that will accent them.  My daughter will see what other ideas would be complimentary.  I will keep my eye open for artful things!  


  • Spirit of Kindergarden!

    Tonight is the second evening of WIND; Women in New Directions.  A comment was made, "It is like Kindergarden…" and I agree.  Or, the fun classes in College, where you get to play.  

    It has the potential for great connections not only with women, but with your self and your passion. Your self and art. Your self and activities.  A place where you can make a deeper connection with your self.  Again, a play date for women.

    My husband and I went to see "Hope Springs" and a line in the movie was about in each stage in life, there is a stage ahead of us to look forward to.  Such as, "When the kids are all gone"….Or when I retire….When I get married etc…or when I get divorced."

    We are always heading in a new direction.  And it can feel either you have no control or you are in control waiting to hop on the next stage.

    I hope that each women who attends will start feeling the stirring inside of them that is called Self.  That they will learn to dance with themselves in a way that brings them joy and enthusiasm for being alive.

    What I believe is the greatest tragedy of many women of abuse, is that they make choices that are not based upon the Self inside of them.  In fact many are not used to living life from the Self, but rather from the outside.

    I want WIND to be about the Self inside.  Learning how to direct your self in this play called life.

    Learning how to feel and express that.

    Learning how to play and let go.

    Learning how to return to the free spirit of Kindergarden!


  • No Longer Authentic

    When someone you love lies to you, what does it mean?  Does it mean I am not worthy of the truth?  Do lies only work for people of less value?  What does it mean to be lied to?  And who is to blame for lies entering into a relationship?

    I sat with my value.  It didn't appear to have changed, even after lies, I remained the same.  I was lied to, but it didn't lower my value.

    I even looked up what lies mean…"a false statement made with deliberate intent to deceive; an intentional untruth; a falsehood. 2. something intended or serving to convey a false impression…"

    It appears to me, that when someone lies, they are trying to be someone they are not.  

    It's about their character…trying to paint it different; a false impressionist painting.

    What I also know of me, is that I have a very hard time being in a relationship when deception arrives.  I can't pretend to pretend it isn't there.  My old gullible self has died.  I now see lies as being a falsehood and I don't waver.

    What I also know is that in keeping a secret it will require lies.  I am not talking about surprises and gifts, I am talking about life's choices, how when you decide to begin a secret, you are really beginning to hone your skills at lying.

    You simply cannot retain your character of integrity and authenticity when you harbor a secret.  It changes who you are.  It isn't so much what you are hiding, but rather what it does to your character.

    Secrets add a component of falsehood to who you are.

    You are no longer authentic.