Blog

  • The Body Keeps Score

    "The Body Keeps Score" by Bessel Van Der Kolk M.D. is the most comprehensive book I have read about the affects of childhood trauma on our lives.  And, how the medical community is in the learning stages of how to effectively deal with adult children of abuse.

    I am listening to this book, but ordered the hard copy to use as a reference.

    Here is about the brain and trauma…  This is long but so insightful as to what happens in the brain.

    "SHIFTING TO ONE SIDE OF THE BRAIN"

    The scans also revealed that during flashbacks, our subjects' brains lit up only on the right side. Today there's a huge body of scientific and popular literature about the difference between the right and left brain. Back in the early nineties I had heard that some people had begun to divide the world between left-brainers (rational, logical people) and right-brainers (the intuitive, artistic ones), but I hadn't paid much attention to this idea.  However, our scans clearly showed that images of past trauma activate the right hemisphere of the brain and deactivate the left."

    "We now know that the two halves of the brain do speak different languages. The right is intuitive, emotional, visual, spatial, and tactual, and the left is linguistic, sequential and analytical. While the left half o the brain does all the talking, the right half of the brain carries the music of the experience.  It communicates through facial expressions and body language and by making sounds of love and sorrow: by singing, swearing, crying, dancing, or mimicking. The right brain is the first to develop in the womb, and it carries nonverbal communication between mother and infants. We know the left hemisphere has come online when children start to understand language and learn how to speak. this enables them to name things, compare them, understand their interrelations, and begin to communicate their own unique, subjective experiences to others."

    "The left and right sids of the brain also process the imprints of the past in dramatically different ways. The left brain remembers facts, statistics, and vocabulary of events. We call on it to explain our experiences and put them in order. The right brain stores memories of sound, touch, smell, and the emotions they evoke. It reacts automatically to voices, facial features, and gestures and places experienced in the past. What it recalls feels like intuitive truth – the way things are. Even as we enumerate a loved ones virtues to a friend, our feelings may be more deeply stirred by how her face recalls the aunt we loved at age four."

    "Under ordinary circumstances the two sides of the brain work together more or less smoothly, even in people who might be said to favor one side over the other. However, having one side or the other shut down, even temporarily, or having one side cut off entirely (as sometimes happened in early brain surgery) is disabling."

    Deactivation of the left hemisphere has a direct impact on the capacity to organize experience into logical sequences and to translate our shifting feelings and perceptions into words. Without sequencing we can't identify cause and effect, grasp the long-rem effects of our actions, or create coherent plans for the future. People who are very upset sometimes say they are "losing their minds." In technical terms they are experiencing the loss of the executive functioning."

    "When something reminds traumatized people of the past, their right brain reacts as if the traumatic event were happening in the present. But because their left brain is not working very well, they may not be aware that they are reexperiencing and reenacting the past – they are just furious, terrified, enraged, ashamed, or frozen.  After the emotional storm passes, they may look for something or somebody to blame for it. They behaved the way they did because you were ten minutes late, or because you burned the potatoes, or because you "never listens to me." Of course, most of us have done this from time to time, but when we cool down, we hopefully can admit our mistake. Trauma interferes with this kind of awareness, and over time our research demonstrated why."

    "STUCK IN FLIGHT OR FIGHT"

    "What happened to Marsha in the scanner gradually started to make sense. Thirteen years after her tragedy we had activated the sensations – the sounds and images from the accident – that were still stored in her memory. When these sensations came to the surface, they activated her alarm system, which caused her to react as if she were back in the hospital being told that her daughter had died. The passage of thirteen years was erased. Her sharply increased heart rate and blood pressure reading reflected her physiological state of frantic alarm."

    "Adrenaline is one of the hormones that are critical to help us fight back or flee in the face of danger. Increased adrenaline was responsible for our participants' dramatic rise in heart rate and blood pressure while listening to their trauma narrative. Under normal conditions people react to a threat with a temporary increase in their stress hormones. As soon as the threat is over, the hormones dissipate and the body returns to normal. The stress hormones of traumatized people, in contrast, takes much longer to return to baseline, and spike quickly and disproportionately in response to mildly stressful stimuli. The insidious effects of constantly elevated stress hormones include memory and attention problems, irritability, and sleep disorders. They also contribute to many long-term healthy issues, depending on which body system is most vulnerable in a particular individual."

    "We now know that there is another possible response to threat, which our scans are't capable of measuring. Some people simply go into denial. Their bodies register threat, but their conscious minds go on as if nothing has happened. However, even though the mind may learn to ignore the messages from the emotional brain, the alarm system signals don't stop. The emotional brain keeps working, and stress hormones keep sending signals to the muscles to tense for action or immobilize and collapse. The physical effects on the organs go on unabated until they demand notice when they are expressed as illness. Medications, drugs, and alcohol can also temporarily dull or obliterate unbearable sensations and feelings. But the body continues to keep score…."

    He goes on to say further on:

    "For a hundred years or more, every textbook of psychology and psychotherapy has advised that some method of taking about distressful feelings can resolve them. However, as we've seen, the experience of trauma itself gets in the way of doing that. No matter how much insight and understand we develop, the rational brain is impotent to talk the emotional brain out of its own reality. I am continually impressed by how difficult it is for people who have gone through the unspeakable to convey the essence of their experience. It is so much easier to talk about what has been done to them, to tell a story of victimization and revenge – than to notice, feel, and put into words the reality of their internal experience."

    "Our scans reveal how their dread persisted and could be triggered by multiple aspects of daily experience. They had not integrated their experience into the ongoing stream of their life. They continued to be "there" and did not know how to be "here" – fully alive in the present." Bessel

     

    What we call mental illness, often is the affects of living through a traumatic childhood.  Our brains are literally affected – while our bodies truly keep score.

    I highly suggest listening to this book, if you want to understand your own traumatization or that of someone you love.  This book makes complete sense to me and how inept our medical system is to help us navigate through our affects of early childhood trauma! 

    Often the diagnosis isn't childhood trauma, but the effects of it.  

    How our body responds and not the cause of it.  We often treat the symptoms but not the cause. And, how do we treat childhood trauma, compared to how we treat depression???

    I love this book on so many levels!

    Incredible information – The Body Keeps Score! What an amazing human body we live in!

    IMG_3530

     

  • I disagree

    Kindness can often mean "Excessive Tolerance"Danielle La Porte

    I love this.

    I have felt that I am asked to be tolerant, more than being kind.

    Tolerant of behaviors that are hurtful or unkind.

    When does one get to decide their own level of tolerance?

    Is kindness truly being excessively tolerant?

    I have felt that I am unkind, due to my lower levels of tolerance. 

    I had to look up the definition of Tolerance.

    the ability or willingness to tolerate something, in particular the existence of opinions or behavior that one does not necessarily agree with.

    This is why I sometimes struggle with 'kindness'.

     

    We are asked to ignore the behavior and "be kind", regardless whether we agree with it or not. 

    It has always seemed like a victim stance to me. 

    A powerless place to be in.

    Being kind can often mean excessive tolerance with bad behavior.

    How can we maintain our own integrity and not tolerate something we do not agree with AND, still be kind?

    What is kind to poor behavior?

    Or, what is healthy and respectful to you?

    And even respectful to the one who is doing something wrong?

    Is it kind to ignore bad behavior?

    Is our kindness dependent upon our tolerance?

    If this is so, I am not very kind.

    IMG_3485

    I have a very low tolerance for agreeing with something I disagree with.

     

    A few days ago, I had someone comment on one of my blog posts…and wanted to chat via email; but remain anonymous.  My disagreement to chatting with a faceless, nameless person was seen as me having "negative assumptions".

    Really?

    They wanted to place responsibility of our 'lack of communication' on me. 

    I am the problem, cause I didn't agree with them being faceless; I am unkind.

    In my world, I get to decide who and how I communicate.

    I may be seen as unkind, but it isn't kind to me to agree when I disagree.

    IMG_3489

  • Love and truth are one.

    Martha Beck wrote about honesty check-ins.  Where you set a timer and when the buzzer rings throughout your day, you see if what you are doing is in agreement with your truth.

    "At your first few honesty check-ins, you may notice nothing at all. Or you may feel only a twitch of nerves, a wisp of sadness. Ask yourself, What could this sensation be trying to tell me? If no answer arises, that's okay. Just write "I don't know," set the timer again, and repeat.  Your truth is like a wild animal; if it's been attacked or suppressed, it may take some time to show itself. Be gentle. With time and repetition, you'll eventually connect."

    "When a new truth comes up, it may be a simple yes or no, or a flood of realizations: Maybe you don't want to say no to your mother for fear of losing her love. Or you hate business trips (that's why you always get migraines on planes!) Or you're dying to be outdoors, not cooped up inside. Write down everything without judgement.  If your smack-dab in pure authenticity, write about the joy.  If you've been lying until your pants burst into flames, write about the misery and anger."

    "An honesty day is a hero's saga. With each check-in, you'll come closer to your real moment-to-moment truth. As the Good Book says, that alone is enough to set you free. Over time, when you become more aware of the ways you deceive yourself, you may begin making subtle (or not so subtle) behavior shifts. You may choose authenticity more often. Obligations may become unbearable. Unwanted relationships will wither; better ones will blossom."

    "This is addictive stuff. My own honesty day led to another, then a week, a year, and then an indefinite commitment. Take it from me: You're about to change your life. The more honest you are, the more you'll find yourself doing what you love, with people you love, in places you love.  You'll realize that nothing really true is unloving, and nothing unloving is ever really true. That wild creature, your true self, will come to meet you, then guide you home, one day at a time. Honestly."  Martha

     

    What I LOVE about this concept is this one line. "That nothing really true is unloving!"

    And, she is so right. The more truthful I became in my life, the more there was to love about it. 

    If you are not loving your life, there is a real good chance you are not being your honest self as you respond to life. 

    I will try and make checks today, to see what I am doing and how I feel about it.

    I don't like how I feel when I am doing something I don't want to do.  There truly is a huge difference between what I love and what I don't love.

    My body feels completely different.  

    Between light and excitement and weight and dread.

    What is true for you, is loving.

    And, "nothing unloving is ever really true".

    You simply can't love yourself if you are unable to be true.

    Love and truth are one.

    IMG_3395

     

  • Truth over titles.

    When we are asked to respect the president, just because he is the president, we are not seeing the man, but the title.

    This is the exact same thing that happens within families where abuse happens. 

    Honor thy mother and thy father.

    Regardless of the person wearing the title. 

    It is the title that society wants us to pay homage to.  Upholding it, creates a false representation of who is behind it.

    It is like they get a free pass, due to the word that describes their job.

    See my title, it means more than who I am as a person.

    Family carries the same burden.

    We honor words and not the folks who live under its umbrella.

    This becomes a blind spot.  

    Often one of convenience.

    For when you literally see the actions, it will require you to make changes.

    Another form of denial to concentrate on the label and be faithful to it, rather than truly see who is wearing it

    People get more insulted when they see someone disrespect the president, than when the president does something disrespectful.

    Same goes for parents.

    My actions of estrangement are more often questioned than why I left my family. 

    Or, it is asked, "when will you 'forgive' (return).  Like it was me with the problem in the first place.

    Seldom are the probing questions about my parents and how they lost their title.

    I believe most would rather see the title, and believe in a world that isn't there, than to see reality of what is.

    Believing in titles allows us to have a gentle kind world.

    Dad, sounds so harmless.

    Being free to see, brings respect back to the titles.

    Some folks are just not qualified to wear them.

    Do we still have to respect them, when they don't fit the title?

    Can we keep our respect for the title and let the person's truth allow us the option to respect or not respect them?

    IMG_3382

    Being free to chose who we respect, is a freedom.

    A title doesn't hold the power for automatic respect.  We certainly do not want to be victims of the title and without a choice.

    Respect is earned by the individual.

    By how they act.

    Who I respect is up to me.

    Respecting someone who is unworthy, is denial of their truth, and it shows disrespect to you.

    Denial of your own truth and feelings.

    I respect the truth over titles.

     

  • Joy is Living!

    While listening to a podcast, "Finding Mastery: Conversations with Michael Gervais" as he spoke to Chade-Meng Tan on Joy… they spoke about thin slices we can experience during the day.

    His one example, was when your throat is dry and you take a sip of water, feel that!

    I do this on my first few sips of Tea!  

    Joy

    We often think it has to be big grand and expensive; that we have to travel far and strange and do adventurous things.  But, you literally can feel joy, crawling into bed after a full day and laying your head on your pillow.

    Or, the taste of chocolate, the sound of birds singing, the color as you paint a gourd!

    Watching for tiny slices of joy will increase joy in your world.

    One other thing that caught my attention was when they were speaking of peace.

    How, when we are craving or desiring something, it steals our peace, because we can't be at peace until we have it.  Whatever IT is.

    Mine are simple cravings. Sweets.  I am fine if they are at hand, but not so fine when they are not.  Mostly, it would be thinking of what you 'should' have; but don't.

    It is the absence of wanting, where peace is found.

    Another thing that I am learning is how self care means taking time out for your self.

    What I am finding, is that the more there is to do, the more 'needs' there are, the less I take care of me.  Which is the opposite of what needs to happen.  In the midst of busyness, is where I need my space the most.

    A recharge.

    A retreat.

    Ask for a timeout!

    As a busy mom, I rarely stepped out of being a mom and did something just for me.

    Now, as a busy working, mom, grandma, I am finding it still applies.

    Solo time, is key for me to stay in balance.

    IMG_3161

    Sometimes we need to make waves in order to maintain balance and love, peace and joy in our worlds.

    Joy is knowing it is up to me to design my life.

    Today I will seek joy in simple things and see how many slices I find!

    Slices of Joy is living!

     

     

     

  • WIND

    What would a mission statement read like for WIND?  Women In New Directions.

    IMG_3057

    WIND has changed directions just as the women who have grown with it have.

    What started out as a support group of sorts, has turned into adventures of the mind, body and soul.

    The more we have dared to do, the more WIND has changed directions.  I love the fluid nature and unknowing.

    WIND is active and creative.  

    It is art and physical endurance.

    Connection and friendship.

    Exploring new art forms that stretch and move our minds and soul.

    IMG_0791

    We explore our inner worlds with some projects, our goals, hopes and intentions.

    And, out in nature we gather strength, peace and navigate paths we may not have traveled alone.

    IMG_0612

    WIND is open, free and expanding.

    It includes all and if applied weekly will change your life.

    We are women in new directions.

    We know sorrow, pain, fear, and heartache.

    We know love, peace and joy.

    We are familiar with life's darkness and welcome it, share it, explore it.

    We laugh at life, ourselves and the joy of being.

    We want to inspire other women to gather and play.

    We range in ages from the 20's to the 60's.  I love this the most.

    Women who find themselves being pushed into a new direction, can learn to embrace the new.  Women who find themselves stuck in no direction can come and learn how to wiggle free.

    WIND isn't a place, nor does it have an agenda.

    There are no rules or boundaries.

    WIND is free

    WIND is like your very best friend.

    Open, loving, daring, adventurous, daring, exploring, redefining, listening, speaking up, creative, artful, imperfect, perfect, inviting, challenging…

    WIND, if it had a mission statement, would be Women In New Directions, being badass.

    We strive to grow and embody who we truly are.

    Our differences is our strength.

    We encourage each other with honesty and heart.

    WIND has given me so many new friends, new experiences, new directions.

    It has changed who I am.

    I am now a hiker, biker, snowshoe, ski girl.

    I have learned so many new different art forms, I feel more expressive.

    I even got a Tattoo with WIND!

    I have traveled on trails, climbed up hills, walked over Brockway Mountain, up Porcupine  Mountain, snowshoed in the dark, etc becoming a badass outdoor lady!

    My life is so much richer with WIND.

    WIND moves with inspiration and desire, with hopes and dreams and challenges.

    It changes you in ways you can't even know, until looking back at all the different directions we traveled!

    IMG_2798

    Oh the places our feet have gone!!

    IMG_2806

    WIND dares each of us to be who we were born to be!

    What is WIND's Mission Statement?  I will have to try and boil it down to a paragraph.

     

  • Disconnecting

    Yesterday I listened to this podcast about the value of boredom. I found it very enlightening and something I will now pay attention to.  

     

    I loved how he is back to notebook and pen.  When I was at my most stressed out, I would not go anywhere without paper and pencil.  Sharpened pencils and a journal captured many years worth of releasing emotions and expressing feelings.

    My job and the rural nature of my route takes me off the grid.  

    I do use my phone as a listening device for podcasts and books.  I listen a lot.

    I also use my phone as a camera.

    What I do find though, while listening is often an emotional bubble arises. 

    I am wondering now, if I am processing life moments and not letting them pile up.

    I love this idea that boredom and down time have a very important role in our lives.

    I am betting that while I am out in nature, this too is an opportunity for our bodies to speak to us.

    Another way to listen to your life, by disconnecting.

     

    IMG_2909

  • Unwillingness to listen

    "The voice for truth speaks to every person on the planet, every single day, and that voice is as loud as our willingness to listen."  Gandhi

     

    I love this quote!

    Just as beauty is in the eye of the beholder, truth is in the ear that listens for it.

    You truly have to want to know the truth.

    Most often the truth will upset a false ideal you have.

    And, if you are completely in love, committed and faithful to the false, you will not have a listening ear for truth.

    Who knew that the truth depends upon a willingness to hear it?

    I did.

    My words bounce back from unwilling ears.

    Most will attack my knowledge or question my estrangement.

    Those who hear my truth typically are not affected by it. They have nothing to lose to hear me. Those with the most to lose, hear the least.

    If you are willing to listen, the truth will speak.

    I used to ask, "what am I not getting?"  I asked for the truth.

    It is amazing that inside of you is a wall built against certain truths.

    A buffer of sorts built up to protect you from knowing that which is painful or terrifying.

    We then become a prisoner inside of the buffer wall.

    Separated from reality.

    Reality is seen only when we listen.

    I remember feeling that I saw too much. Too much of reality.

    When in fact, I heard to much.

    Nothing was off limits.

    No word was discarded.

    All were accepted.

    Pedophile.

    She knew.

    They knew and did nothing.

    I don't know who I am.

    What I believe.

    Where I came from.

    My own truths.

    The list of things I hadn't heard, all began reciting their lines.

    An avalanche of truths flooded me; the truth felt my willingness to hear.

    Even while I was trembling with fear.

    Breaking the silence, begins with our own ears.

    I wonder if the opposite of denial is willingness?

    Nope, it is agreement, approval, affirmation, avowal…

    Yet, my journey changed completely with my willingness to listen.

    And, the one who I had to listen to first, was me.

    My life.

    My feelings.

    My inner soul.

    When I listened to me, I became Me.

    I heard what I loved, what brought me peace and joy.

    I heard what broke my heart.

    I heard false words with actions that didn't match.

    I heard silence, and no remorse. Excuses and defense.

    I listened to me, even when others didn't agree.

    Our willingness to hear our own truths, is to live with integrity.

    Being unable to live your truth, is to live as an imposter.

    I am not sure how much of reality you can see if you are not aware of your own truths.

    This unwillingness, is the framework of denial.

    Which is why our perceptions of reality are often not the same.

    We only see with our willingness to listen.

    I keep making waves in the sea of unwillingness to listen!

     

    IMG_2923
     

     

  • Lived in Pretending

    "I am the most comfortable in the truth" Glennon Doyle Melton

    The podcasts that I am most drawn to are those of people who dare to live their truth out loud, the ones whose lives were altered due to the awareness. Who have made great changes into living authentic lives.

    What I heard today, after you become aware and living mindfully, you have a hard time around folks whose lives are littered with lies.  Or to be drawn toward lives who live on the surface of life.

    Once I had unraveled all that was untrue for me, untrue lives don't hold my attention.  I am not drawn or feel the desire to know more lies. I can't pretend to pretend to be interested.  

    And, I am more drawn to nature and its open spectacular self!

    Enjoying all the different ways to spend time in nature, feels right to me.

    IMG_2807

    I am always honored when others share their truth with me, or when we work to discover the lies they cannot see.

    I had always thought that denial meant you knew, but denied it.  I am now more believing that denial is not knowing a truth; but that it lives with you.  If this makes sense.

    It wasn't that my truth arrived when I was 46, but rather it lived hidden from me.

    Although there were signs that I wasn't living true to me.  

    My feelings were not honored.

    Choices often were not available.

    I lived life on the surface.

    Not wanting to know too much, not even aware of not being aware.

    Looking back, I would get anxious when my inner self had the chance to be known.

    I didn't know me.

    But, didn't know that I didn't know.

    The who I knew was a survival self and the beliefs of the church.

    When the truth leaked out, the old me crumbled. 

    I was left without a self and yet as a self with wide open eyes.

    To be made aware of your own truths is a remarkable experience.  Typically it does come with drama, trauma, pain and sorrow.  But, it leads to a life that has a wide open landscape of seeing.

    I truly love being around folks who are wrestling with the truths in their lives.

    Regardless of the truths content.

    The realness excites me, and it feels like a real being connection.

    I am more comfortable with the uncomfortable truths than with lives lived in pretending.

     

     

     

     

     

  • Truth persists, always!

    In the past few months, I have been listening to the ways women have been resisting and persisting, and this idea resonates with me.

    I had to look up their definitions to see if I totally understood their meaning.

    Resist – Withstand, be proof against, be resistant too, keep out.

    Persist – continue firmly or obstinately in an opinion or a course of action in spite of difficulty, opposition, or failure.

    I believe, the reason I was drawn to this concept, is that this is how I have been towards abuse in the past 12 years.  

    I often question my path compared to that of my siblings, and look deeply within to see my truth and walk with integrity and authenticity.

    Often, it doesn't feel like I have a choice.

    That the path has requirements and I follow.

    When you look at my resistance and persistence, it is as if I am being led.

    And, I am.

    But, more by the road against abuse, than my own personal wishes or desires.

    Often I am judged personally for a choice that the path demands. 

    If you truly are against abuse, your own personal life will often take turns you would otherwise not take.

    My turning away from folks, often was painful for me, and yet it is what was needed to be faithful to victims and to stand against abuse.

    I looked up the opposites of Resist and Persist.

    The opposite of Resist is "comply, conform, go along".

    I love this knowing.

    For, it is what I have always felt.  That there was really only one choice, IF you are standing against something…otherwise, you are going along with it!

    And do you know the opposite of Persist?  

    It is to "cease, give up, leave, quit, stop".

    I was never willing to do this.  

    No matter what.

    Or, who thought I should.

    The path was chosen, when a child broke her silence.

    And, when my denial ended.

    I didn't resist the truth.

    I followed where it led.

    Truth persists, always!

     

    IMG_2753

     

July 2026
M T W T F S S
 12345
6789101112
13141516171819
20212223242526
2728293031  

I M Perfect, and it is impossible not to be.


Twenty Twenty-Five

email@example.com
+1 555 349 1806