I M Perfect lady

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  • Life Has to Offer

    “A mind convinced against its will – is of the same opinion still.”

    Is there a grey area where nuance can live in the space between good and evil?

    Can evil be evil while thinking it is doing good?

    Can there be christians who wear the label to shield their evil?

    Do you know you are evil or have you been brainwashed to believe you are good and can’t see what you are doing?

    I used to think that evil knew their actions.

    But what I do know is that I thought a lot of things and didn’t know that those thoughts were actually wrong.

    I was raised to think certain ways were right and other ways were wrong.

    Only to find out – I was raised in a way to see the world from a very limited view. It mostly neglected the rights and freedoms of others.

    The path was narrow and I was on it. Others Be damned – literally.

    What mattered most was my beliefs.

    In a world where there are many folks like me – where they believe their thoughts and childhood beliefs – it feels near impossible to change that mind.

    And it is.

    Let alone have an intellectual conversation – for their mind is in defense of its beliefs.

    What I came to find out – is that there was not a person separate from the beliefs. There was the mind – period.

    It was terrifying when my mind/thoughts/beliefs fell – for there wasn’t a Me standing in the wings.

    I was a body, mindless – and in search of Me – the soul .

    I of course can’t know for sure their experiences – but I am kinda certain when you see someone acting without compassion or empathy – they are lacking the connection to their soul.

    They can’t see themselves- so it is near impossible to see Other.

    ‘

    “Forgive them, they know not what they do.” was true for me.

    I didn’t.

    I wasn’t aware that my beliefs were excluding so many and so narrow-minded.

    It seems you can’t see how your beliefs feel to others – until you become the other.

    I don’t have answers to the community that is so divided – and how to engage in a mind that is shackled with beliefs and dogma –

    I don’t believe there are words that will penetrate a closed mind.

    The only way forward for me was to do me and to live a life of love, peace and joy.

    If we all get in the mud hole with them – everyone will be dirty.

    I feel that those of us who can live a life of joy and love – need to do that.

    To bring more of that to this community in whatever ways you can.

    It was losing battle for me to engage or try to intellectually challenge their minds. Peace for me was to walk away and live a life with an open mind – or more living from my heart and soul.

    My mind is a tool – but it isn’t in control anymore.

    We can speak up when we see injustice and we certainly can vote for the leadership to be empathetic and less closed minded.

    But more – we don’t want to waste this wild fabulous life batting with a mind that is closed.

    I lived for 46 years under the control of a brainwashed mind – and my intentions now is to finish out this ride doing more of what I love, where peace is found and the wonderful joys life has to offer.

    And Vote.

  • Who loved with Courage

    Mother’s Day has me looking upward to my mother, looking at myself, and then – looking at the mothers of my grandchildren.

    I sit between my mother and my grandchildren’s mothers.

    I am part of my mother and the seeds of the next generations.

    I mothered poorly, and I mothered with courage.

    I feel like I am the bridge between mothers on polar opposite sides.

    The valley between is endless and without common denominators.

    I am not sure I can articulate the courage it took to look upwards to my mother and see what wasn’t there – and realize the length and breadth It would take to undo the damage within me – to mother me into being a different mother.

    As the bridge between two vastly different sides, I could no longer do what I had done and I had to learn how to be different.

    There was no road map – only the hope that if I could be different, that my children would feel different and be different parents to their children.

    I was a mother who had been mothered poorly striving to mother in foreign ways.

    I didn’t know what love was.

    I never had a boundary.

    In the middle of motherhood – I changed.

    The courage it took to leave behind the family and its pattern – seemed impossible – the space between too far to navigate.

    What I do know – is we are not responsible for what was done to us, but we are responsible for who we are and our legacy.

    Once you see, you can’t unsee.  When I saw my mother and her lack of values and morals – the only way to go was up.

    I am not writing this to hurt her history – but to instead inspire others.  Family patterns and legacies are breakable. 

    There is pride to be the bridge to offer my children a different way.

    I know I am not seen as a family person – being estranged from so many.  However I am the biggest fan of a loving family. 

    I know that the contents of who a mother is – bleeds into her children.  The best thing we can do for our kids is to do our life well.

    To be the woman that honors her soul.

    When a woman can’t see the worth of her child, she isn’t seeing her own self-worth.  And, without that, she will fall for anything.

    As the bridge between good and evil – I don’t celebrate my mother, but I do celebrate the generations below me.  I am hopeful that the seeds I planted from this bridge will flower in to the bests moms a child can have.

    It is my hope that my children don’t feel what it is like to parent poorly – but to be a parent with courage to live a life that a child can look up to. 

    What joy it would feel like to have a parent who sees you as a child who is treasured beyond all else. That no matter what, the parent will do the right thing to protect the child. To live in an environment of love, peace, joy and trust.

    That is the bridge I hope I have stood upon.

    Love,

    A mother who has loved poorly and one who loved with courage.

  • Silence is upon them.

    I watched this episode about sexual abuse among the amish. “Keep Quiet and Forgive” on PBS.

    https://player.pbs.org/viralplayer/3105356631/

    And there is a book “Behind the Blue Curtain” – by Lizzy Hershberger – which I plan on reading soon.

    “How Great Thou Art” was being sung….leading into stories of young girls and women breaking the silence of their sexual abuse – the beauty and the horror – is the how I feel about religion. The juxtaposition leaves religion with a very sour taste.

    This is just another cult like sect that uses the fundamentals of their religion to keep victims silent – while protecting the males who are criminals.

    When the leaders speak of forgiving the perpetrators – it is a sex trafficking environment where little girls are unprotected.

    I don’t care how many times you sing “How Great Thou Art and how you see Him – etc. If your religion blesses away sexual crimes against children It is NoT a God connection. Period.

    Folks are quick to tell me I am against religion. I am trying to wreck the First Apostolic Lutheran Church, that the Old Apostolic Lutheran Church- and any other religion who allows the perpetrators to sit in their benches. I am against these ones for sure and I don’t believe they would be sanctioned by God or love or kindness.

    The tragedy is the criminal sexual assault on young girls IS that it happens in the midst of ‘god fearing folks’.

    The hymn plays on – in its beauty and behind the scenes little girls are forever changed by the acts of sexual deviant behaviors.

    It is insulting to even call these religions of God. They are more of the devil.

    I feel so deeply about the exposure of these crimes in religions and I would love to see them all implode –

    The women are leading the charge and some men have joined in to see what can be done.

    Some were saying there needs to be a preventive measure put into place – instead of dealing with it after the fact. Now isn’t that a great idea! I am sure the little girls and boys would love to be in a spot where abuse was forbidden.

    This gives me great hope – of more and more silences breaking. That even in the ultra conservative churches, the women are standing up!

    An alternative to silence is upon them.

    I hope there is a movement of women failing their religions and the rules that were forced upon them.

  • That is Me.

    I listened to a podcast, about exploring the rising trend about going No Contact with your Family.

    I have been No Contact with my family now for over 20 years, which seems almost surreal. A brother was the last contact I lost – about 10 years ago.

    It was good to hear others experiences. And, it affirmed a few things.

    One being how the old way – of respecting your parents – for their role – rather for how the relationship was between you – is over.

    The new way is now about the relationship. How do two people engage with each other. We no longer put the role before the way the relationship feels inside.

    This makes so much more sense – and I feel that both sides would gain so much – if the relationship was healthy.

    We are no longer expected to stay in toxic relationships no matter who they are with. There is a huge amount of freedom knowing you can do the No Contact route.

    Another part was when a hospice nurse spoke about parents who were dying and how they wanted the estranged child to call. The feelings the hospice nurse had was that it was about control – that the parent believed since they were dying the child would acquiesce.

    The nurse felt it was a selfish act.

    This was how I felt and it is good to be affirmed with that choice. She even said that even though the child didn’t want to speak to the dying parent, most wanted to be called upon the death.

    The nurse saying something about how terrible it would be to find out on Facebook. Which is exactly how I did.

    The podcast also showed how there are many reasons for children to have no contact with their parents and siblings. As well as parents who put up boundaries against children.

    Mostly, it is about how we feel inside when we are with our families. How they see us, hear us and understand. Just as in any relationship we have, it is best when they are healthy. When we can be ourself and be loved unconditionally.

    I think this trend of No Contact, will make better parents – ones who are less about the role they play and more about the content of their relationships. It will help them see their child as unique individuals.

    One young girl said how much better her insides feel now that she has no contact – she feels so free and happy in her life.

    That is me.

    You can listen to Oprah’s podcast to hear more.

  • Feel Kind

    “The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.” 

    In the world today there is much evil that is being shared and reported on. More than what our humanity’s psyche can hold.

    It leaves us feeling impotent and that evil is winning.

    What I believe is that there is a balance of good and evil – and if it isn’t your time to suffer; perhaps it is your time to put good energies out in the world.

    The monks who are peacefully walking are sending out waves of goodness.

    We can send out goodness by what we do each day, how we live and love.

    When the world feels like it is sinking with so much evil – We want to do something to that evil.

    In my experiences so far – is that you can’t change evil – evil does what evil does.

    “A MIND CONVINCED AGAINST ITS WILL, IS OF THE SAME OPINION STILL.”

    A person who is okay doing and standing by evil – is under the control of a mind that I feel is insane.

    I am not sure we can engage with evil and win.

    I believe we can be more like the peaceful monks and bring more awareness of that to the world.

    Feel how your body feels as you try and engage with folks who seem blind to humanity – and then feel your body how it feels to be doing what you love.

    I was empowered by setting up boundaries against family who chose to support evil by doing nothing.

    In our smaller circles is where change will happen. In our lives, in our communities and how we engage and interact with others. How we tolerate or don’t – those who do evil – even on small levels.

    How we live in our relationships – what we do and say and act will send vibrations out into the world.

    Let your vibrations be those of love, peace and joy. Let’s flood the world with kindness.

    I steer clear of those who carry out evil acts and those whose minds are unclear.

    Each of us have something we can do each day to make our planet feel kind.

  • Where Love Lives.

    A lifetime ago, I used to go Caroling with my siblings. One year I made us all scarves to wear. The simple joys of the holidays. Being a creative person, each Christmas I would try and make them all something. Pouring my heart through my hands.

    My brother sent a text yesterday. “Happy birthday! Life is short, enjoy each day. ”  Just enough to bring them and the drama to the front. 

    No matter the words I use, they can’t comprehend my journey.  

    I started to respond, but what could I say? What words would make him and them – understand the magnitude of love, peace and joy there is away from them.

    I believe they see me as suffering in the past hurts, holding on to grudges and non-forgiveness. Forsaking this moment with a mind and heart full of anger.

    Why else remind me of the shortness of life and to enjoy it.

    No matter the words I would type or the sentiment I tried to present, he wouldn’t understand how my heart and soul are filled with light. That stepping away from cycles of abuse the brainwashed cult-like religion – set my soul free and my heart to love.

    I miss family – but not the toxic one. That family comes with generational behaviors and patterns that are near impossible to have real relationships with.

    When I look back at our blind innocence and the unconsciousness of our denial – how we dressed up the holidays to be more – to hide the truth that lay beneath.

    What an impossible task to try and make our family whole. No scarves or ornaments – made with love by me – could put a dent into righting the mess.

    Those simple fun memories are now tainted, knowing what we didn’t acknowledge.

    If only they were just joys of caroling, with fun scarves, sharing our Christmas baking. If only there wasn’t ugly truths right beneath the surface.

    A friend sent a photo of her and her 4 sisters caroling – and their mom.  It fills my heart and breaks it. Of the joy of family and the loss of mine.  A wound that will follow me always.  They are there – sometimes loud – most often a faint hum in the background of my wonderful life.

    I know there are many of us out here, who are living, loving and finding peace and joy – away from our families of origin. It is more than okay to feel the ache of loneliness and feeling sorrow when you see family being loving family. And, the holidays can be especially hard to walk in tandem with grief and joy.

    What I know to be true is that the grief just pops up here and there in the sea of goodness I live in.

    My heart can hold joy and sorrow. If Christmas wishes were granted, I would want my siblings to join me here – on the outskirts of toxic family patterns.

    Until then – I hold space where love lives.

  • My Wonderful Life.

    I turn 67 today and it seems I have lived at least two whole lifetimes. I love who I am. I love who I love and who loves me.

    I landed in a good place after following my inner voice. When you step away from generations of patterns, you can’t really know your destination – all you really know is “I won’t repeat this pattern.”

    The new pattern evolved with each choice I made and each No I was brave enough to utter.

    It still amazes me how I was able to walk away from all I had known and believed into the unknown.

    What I do know is that at 67 I am very grateful to be living this lifetime. It has been incredibly insightful to know a life of dysfunction and to witness the process of leaving and then the life afterwards.

    Some may see 67 as being old – yet my spirit is so young and alive. She breathes deeply and is anchored in the present moment.

    I celebrate my journey and being me. I love how far I came, my courage and boldness as well as my childlike awe of magical everyday moments.

    We can’t know how long our lifetime spans – and this second life feels like a bonus life. I feel like I died to who I used to be – and was born into a new life that honors me, my truth and spirit.

    December 4 was the beginning of the passing of the old me. So I may have two birth days.

    What I celebrate today is life, love and peace and joy. These are with me always.

    Happy happy day to me – this is another day in my wonderful life.

  • Where the Heart Lives

    Tonight I am sitting with gratitude and a thankful heart to the home we have been lucky enough to live in for the past 30 years.

    This home welcomed us with our 4 children and a dog.

    We loved, lived and grew old here. We have survived some tough patches – but the majority of my memories here are good ones.

    During the tough patches it was a refuge sitting along the river with wide open fields and plenty of nature to soothe my soul.

    This place holds many memories for our children and grandchildren. Campfires, camping, fishing, and skiing, snowshoeing and kayaking. Endless wonderful things to do, right out the front door.

    How lucky were we to raise our children here.

    Our youngest was one when we moved here – and now he is returning here with his wife – becoming the third generation to call this home.

    And we are moving back to where we began as newly weds. Back to the land our children have memories of as well.

    The place on the river has steps and we couldn’t live on one level – so we felt it was best to be in a place that would welcome our old age. A place where we could live on one level and have less upkeep and less work all around.

    So we will be able to visit here and have new memories here – so it isn’t good-bye – but see you later.

    My heart will always hold this place dear. Love has lived here, and love is moving here and love will go with us to our new home.

    Home is where the heart lives.

  • Signs of Change.

    In the past 21 years I have been waiting for the sexual abuse to start coming to light. For the flood gates to open and for victims to start standing up and speaking out. For victims to rally one another and expose their abusers. (Victims in the First Apostolic Lutheran Church.)

    And, even more for those who hear the words of the victims to start hearing them.

    Not only listening but to also start taking action steps needed. To not care more for the religion or the reputation of the abuser and his family.

    But to care more about ending this systemic violence against children.

    It seems at least in the Old Apostolic Lutheran Church the darkness is being pierced by voices of victims. Older victims whose Statute of Limitations has passed – as well as those who still can press charges.

    What is so sad is that there are many decades between these girls. Decades of these abusers getting away with it. Decades of preachers knowing and doing nothing; but forgiving.

    I am hopeful the more who stand up, the many who will follow. There is more support today than there was even 21 years ago.

    So called by standers, have to stop standing by – and instead start doing whatever is possible to support the victims.

    To stop supporting the church, the preachers and even going against family if need be.

    As the victims speak out – there also needs others to be willing to listen and sit in the truth and more, be able to take actions.

    I always figured that things would happen in time. Not in my time – but for the truth to erupt when it was time.

    My heart and soul feel that the speaking up and exposing the abusers is contagious- I want it to be uncomfortable for those who do nothing.

    And for those who are willing to go up against the old paradigms to be cheered and supported.

    Twenty-one years ago began the seeds of estrangement. I was unwilling and unable to be with folks who were more comfortable in the darkness.

    I still find it hard to believe that I am the one on the outside looking in – that my family of origin has remained intact.

    While being outside of the family and without a religion, I have found inner peace, love and joy.

    It is my hope that the new victims coming forth are treated more kindly than I was. And that they have the support of many. I can’t even imagine what it would feel like to be supported by your mother and siblings.

    Twenty-one years later – and somethings are showing signs of change.

    May all victims start to live their lives with artful abandon and be who they were born to be – before the abuse happened.

  • His Daughter to Live hers Well.

    Dates on the calendar can stir up memories – a glimmer of significance to the day. My father would have turned 96 today – he’s been gone now 13 years – but he was gone for me long before that time.

    It is different when you lose someone you were already estranged from – and your memories are tainted by his worst deeds.

    What I don’t have are heart felt memories – or sadness that he’s gone. It is a void where a father should have stood.

    So a date arrives and it is unusual with its significance- a day that used to be – and his life it feels was one that brought pain.

    I don’t follow the news, but there are many who do – and many who feel the angst of all that is going on. I don’t have answers for the multiple things that are wrong – but what I do know is that within my family of origin when all seemed lost – what I focused on was what I could do in my small corner of the world.

    I could gather Love, Peace and Joy.

    I wasn’t changing the devastation my father’s life did.

    I wasn’t changing the lives of those who suffered – I couldn’t.

    But, I could affect change in my small circle. I was able to use my life to live the opposite. I live with intention and keep as much love, peace and joy in my world.

    There are things we have influence over and there are millions that bring stress – and where we can do nothing.

    I believe if each of us sought out more of what we love, what brought joy and held peace, the world would tilt in that direction.

    I knew if I focused on my father’s deeds and the suffering and pain he sowed – I would have shriveled up and died inside.

    When I vowed to not let him define my life – I turned towards a new direction.

    It wasn’t easy at first – it felt awkward to turn away from so much bad – to seek instead the things that warmed my heart. Over time the new habit became my life.

    Even today as so much is upside down and backwards in this country – I still center myself on the choices I can make to bring love and light to my little world.

    It is during the darkest of times, we need more art – in all categories. We can send waves of positive energies out into the world each day by what we spend our days doing.

    Perhaps in honor of a life so wrongly lived – it is a must for his daughter to live hers well.

    Art is a sanctuary for my troubled mind- or when my left brain is stressed. There is joy letting the right side play.

July 2026
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I M Perfect, and it is impossible not to be.

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