Tag: alive

• Half Dead

  There are two ways to look at relationships and what is defined as kind or unconditional will depend on which side you are standing upon.

   

  Most of my old relationships had the relationship as the ruler and I as its servant. 

   

  Now I arrive in each relationship as the ruler and the relationship serves me or doesn’t.

   

  In the past, I was a martyr in relationships.

   

  I looked up the meaning of Martyr.

   

  1.                   somebody put to death: somebody who chooses to die rather than deny a strongly held belief, especially a religious belief

  2.                     somebody who makes sacrifices: somebody who makes sacrifices or suffers greatly in order to advance a cause or principle. 

   

   Wow, is that right on or what.  I definitely was a martyr in my relationships…I made sacrifices of my self, my feelings and my truth to remain in relationships.  I suffered greatly to advance the cause…the family.

  I may not be adequately framing this, but in my old relationships it required me to be dead in order for me to be there.

   

  An aware, alive and responding me shattered the relationship.  I no longer suffered for the cause.

  It was kind to the relationship for me to remain dead and unresponsive, yet very unkind to me.  I have now reversed that order.

  I also feel that a thriving whole relationship requires two alive people…

  Otherwise it is half dead.

   

   

   

   

  July 16, 2011

  alive, dead, denial, expression, lies, martyrs, relationship, self

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• Alive but unaware!

  What an incredible ride, what an awe-inspiring journey, I feel an immense amount of gratitude to be given the opportunity to live beyond the bubble, to find a life outside of denial.

   

  Unless and until you have been totally snowed under by a false belief, where you and reality are an ocean apart, you will not understand the enormity of dissolving denial.

   

  First of all you are the one standing neck deep in denial, and it is from there that you have to dig yourself out, not knowing what is real; your denial or reality. 

   

  When I began this journey, when my bubble burst, I thought my reality changed, when in actuality it was my denial that had sprung a leak or collapsed, leaving me without protection.

   

  My husband said that I was like a scared rabbit, and I was.  I had no place to hide, to run to or escape, all I saw was the harsh reality in front of me.

   

  Actions that I had previously denied stood enormously obvious!  I had no choice now but to see and to feel what each action felt like.

   

  Living with all your nerves exposed, with no shield to protect you, a turtle without its shell.

   

  What I believe is while you are in denial; you deny your emotions a life.  You can’t feel them.  They don’t exist in the bubble, for that is why we built the bubble to escape feelings; they were far to terrifying to feel.

   

  Emotionally immature is how we get left. 

   

  We left our emotions behind and our bodies grew. 

   

  Emotionally stunted we live awkwardly in this world.

   

  The picture I now have, the overview and the application of denial, the land that we build and live in, leaves me in utter disbelief.

   

  Abuse while hurtful to the physical body, is nothing compared to being sentenced into the land of denial.

   

  What I am now seeing is that some get a life sentence and some 40 plus years. 

   

  I do not know what makes the denial bubble burst, how some have a stronger bubble than others, but denial is built from the inside out and I am thinking that it is the only way out.

   

  The one who built it is the one who takes it down.

   

  I sit in awe, I sit in gratitude, I sit in reality bubble-less.

   

  The definition of denial, refusal to acknowledge existence of something: a refusal to believe in something or admit that something exists.

   

  What we have to admit to is the bubble we live in and not the reality that has always been there.

   

  What we ultimately deny is our self.

   

  Alive but unaware, that is denial!

   

  June 30, 2010

  abuse, alive, aware, bubbles, childhood, denial, Dysfunctional, emotionally bankrupted, incest, unaware

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