My failure to respond for me has led me to live a life that mirrored what others wanted of me, and each time I responded for another I walked away from me.
Being irresponsible for my own self, while being overly responsible for others, is living outside of my self.
I respond and move in harmony and accordance to how the other feels, not how I feel.
If my movements brought sadness, I adjusted my movements, if it brought anger, I changed course.
My whole life as far back as I can remember was lived in accordance to the wishes and desires of another, a term I used was…”I was a whore for love and peace”
What this means is my feelings were never in the picture, I had to grin and bear it, put my feelings and emotions aside and focus on another.
And somehow I must have been rewarded for whoring this way.
Perhaps being a good girl, for not making waves, for keeping peace…or as I now know, keeping sweet.
Even keeping me sweet, or viewed as sweet for not resisting, for always responding to their wishes, for being the best people pleaser (or whore).
My respond for me button lost its connection; I became disconnected to my feelings and was more connected to how another feels.
The tragedy in all of this is while I was out there whoring for love and peace, with a broken respond for me button, I didn’t feel me.
I didn’t feel.
I didn’t feel that I had the right to speak up, to stop, to not do…I had to.
I had to in order to be loved.
I had to in order for peace.
I had to in order to keep me sweet.
I am shocked that it was to keep me sweet and not seen as the villain here.
Yet I felt it. What a traitor am I to think of my self!
How selfish and cold to not continue responding as they need me to respond. How dare I disconnect from the outside and reconnect to the inside.
How dare I stop being a whore for their use!
While celebrating on the inside I feel the wrath on the outside, but understandably so.
I stopped using my body for their feelings.
I stopped being irresponsible with me.
I M Perfect lady 