I M Perfect lady

Tag: feelings

  • Associating with My Truth

    I have been fighting my body for so long, fighting with the feelings I have inside, tormenting myself as I struggle to not do, what it wants to do.

     

    I fought my body to be close to my parents.

    I fought my body to respond better to my parents.

    I fought my body to feel comfortable with my family.

     

    I was frustrated it couldn’t just relax, be normal, chill, and be a normal kid, a loving warm child.

     

    It was like there was an inbred system that didn’t respond correctly to the outside.

     

    It blew cold when it should have blown warm.

    It then blew warm when it should have blown cold.

     

    I felt best when I was far from my family. That is odd to know of yourself.  I could then relax and be myself.

     

    I am a freak of nature, for I don’t have the loving warm comfortable feelings I am supposed to have with family, mine are replaced with a cold standoffish chill. 

     

    So, I had to pretend what wasn’t within me ‘naturally’.

     

    The day that my father was exposed as a pedophile was the day I stopped pretending.  The cold fear within me was not unnatural, it was natural, and I was okay.

     

    I was okay within me. My feelings and my body were acting perfectly.

     

    I am perfectly okay and natural as an abused child can be.

     

    It is perfectly natural to fear those who harm you.

     

    There is annihilation between body/feelings and you when you are abused, and perhaps that is the real meaning of disassociation, we left our feelings behind.

     

    It was either annihilate the feelings or annihilate the parent.

     

    If you annihilate the parent you are out in the cold….

     

    To live in complete annihilation from your feelings and your body, is to live half alive.

     

    There came a fork in the road where I knew the cost that came with my self annihilation, the cost was me and many other little girls to follow. 

     

    When I didn’t speak up in fear of that man, he continued on.

     

    I was the imposter, I was the pretender, I was unnatural, and I went against my feelings to fit in.  I will not do that any more.  I will fit out and be shunned for associating with my truth.

     

     

     

  • Movement Against Fear Is Empowering

    I awoke from another profound dream and realized that my subconsciousness is healing.

     

    In the dream I am watching/babysitting an elderly couple, both are in bed, but not the same one, each are bickering to each other, clearly at odds.

     

    I am then sitting in a living room that has a glass wall where I can still see them, and I am reading, when suddenly the man is upon me, groping me, with no longer feeble hands, but very strong.  The woman remains sleeping, unaware.

     

    I am able to get free from his grasp and dial 9-1-1 on my phone, while he continues to pursue, and is now very angry with me for calling for help, and seems desperate to get me before ‘help’ arrives.  He also has picked up an object with which to hurt me.

     

    I put objects in his pathway as I am leaving the house, scrambling and telling 9-1-1 the house number of where he is, which angers him more. 

     

    Then I am in my car and the car is slow to start, but does and he is almost to the door handle… and I take off, leaving him grasping at air instead of the door handle of the car.

     

    I escape, successfully and have informed authorities, dream over. 

     

    I awake with a great understanding of what Peter Levine was talking about. 

     

    In the past this I have had a multitude of cat and mouse scenarios played out in my dreams and the dream always ended with me being caught, the end.

     

    Caught and frozen, just the dream ending and me waking up thankful IT being a dream so ‘nothing’ happened and I were saved. 

     

    Saved only because it was a dream, a scary dream or nightmare and I awoke.

     

    In my dream last night, it was the first time I was able to get away and to take the correct moves to do so, instead of freezing.

     

    Freezing and escaping from the scene by going into a dreamland in my mind, “disassociate” or waking up and it is a dream was all I had in the past.

     

    I had no way to escape in reality…until now.

     

    Boundaries, barriers, putting up a fight, standing up are all things a little child doesn’t have.

     

    It is those very items I am reclaiming and my subconscious mind is showing me in a dream I am succeeding.

     

    I awoke from that dream feeling as a heroine and not a victim.

     

    Moveable and not frozen, clearly seeing the cycle of caught and getting free, being restricted and getting away, instead of just knowing one side, frozen.  Frozen in fear.

     

    The freedom to move makes all the difference in the world.

     

    Movement against fear is empowering.

  • Being Irresponsible With Me.

    My failure to respond for me has led me to live a life that mirrored what others wanted of me, and each time I responded for another I walked away from me.

     

    Being irresponsible for my own self, while being overly responsible for others, is living outside of my self.

     

    I respond and move in harmony and accordance to how the other feels, not how I feel.

     

    If my movements brought sadness, I adjusted my movements, if it brought anger, I changed course. 

     

    My whole life as far back as I can remember was lived in accordance to the wishes and desires of another, a term I used was…”I was a whore for love and peace”

     

    What this means is my feelings were never in the picture, I had to grin and bear it, put my feelings and emotions aside and focus on another.

     

    And somehow I must have been rewarded for whoring this way.

     

    Perhaps being a good girl, for not making waves, for keeping peace…or as I now know, keeping sweet.

     

    Even keeping me sweet, or viewed as sweet for not resisting, for always responding to their wishes, for being the best people pleaser (or whore).

     

    My respond for me button lost its connection; I became disconnected to my feelings and was more connected to how another feels.

     

    The tragedy in all of this is while I was out there whoring for love and peace, with a broken respond for me button, I didn’t feel me.

     

    I didn’t feel.

     

    I didn’t feel that I had the right to speak up, to stop, to not do…I had to.

     

    I had to in order to be loved.

    I had to in order for peace.

    I had to in order to keep me sweet.

     

    I am shocked that it was to keep me sweet and not seen as the villain here.

     

    Yet I felt it.  What a traitor am I to think of my self!

     

    How selfish and cold to not continue responding as they need me to respond.  How dare I disconnect from the outside and reconnect to the inside.

     

    How dare I stop being a whore for their use!

     

    While celebrating on the inside I feel the wrath on the outside, but understandably so.

     

    I stopped using my body for their feelings.

     

    I stopped being irresponsible with me.

     

  • Perfections of Me.

    I think trying to define love is like trying to define our unique personalities; we all have a love definition, which we formed through our experiences in life.

     

    Love for me is on the inside and is more about me, where before it was an outside need and all about you.

     

    There has been a total switch in my definition of love.

     

    Before I felt love by what others brought me, I was empty of love unless and until another showed me some love. 

     

    I was empty and I would do almost anything to get some love.  I was a people pleaser to fill my container called love. 

     

    Now I feel love from the inside out.

    I am full of love inside.

     

    Love of me and all the different layers, stages and ages that make up me.

     

    I sit with great compassion and empathy of my journey to love me.

     

    It has taken many years to look at me, all the nooks and crannies, the dark side and the light, to see all the facets of myself and to become friendly with them or at least meet them with understanding, little by little trusting and loving me.

     

    I am sure there are still parts of myself I haven’t explored, even sections of my past that lay buried, yet with each new lesson returns another aspect of my self that was long ago sacrificed.

     

    Sacrificed for another’s love, another’s happiness, another’s dream.

     

    Each sacrifice took away a part of me.

    Until there was nothing left for me to love.

     

    I will no longer sacrifice my feelings for you, my happiness for yours, or my truths for yours.

     

    Love without sacrifice means loving myself enough to move away…

     

    To steer clear of things that hurt me then and now, to speak my truths, to be honest with my feelings, to protect my happiness and my dreams.

     

    Love is the freedom to be myself.

    Love loves my imperfections until they become my perfections of me.

     

  • The Way You Move!

    “A long marriage is two people trying to dance a duet and two solos at the same time.”

      ~Anne Taylor Fleming

     

    My solo dance has changed and it has affected our duet, for I am a new dancing partner.

     

    In the duet I am the odd one and we both feel my differences.  In places where I used to go, he goes alone, and in my new ways I go alone.

     

    Perhaps we are both learning new solo dances.

     

    The relationship is what the dance looks and feels like when we are together.

     

    I feel that it is my fault that we keep stepping on each other’s toes, tentatively trying to learn new moves, or feeling unsure as to where to step.

     

    We are out sync and out of tune, and it leaves you feeling uneasy and unsure.

     

    It isn’t like investigating a new relationship, for we have 28 years of being together, of growing and sharing.  It seems harder to make changes within an old dance.

    How easy it would be to bail out and go solo, where you can twist and turn and not bump into someone’s feelings, put up boundaries where you are the only one affected, where my actions only matter to me.

     

    For no matter what I do there is a ripple into those within my house.

     

    I took for granted the smooth dance moves we had, the rhythms and comfort we had knowing each other so well, I wonder how long it will be for my new solo moves to seem normal within the Us.

     

    What cuts to my core is I am not doing this on purpose, upsetting our world for something to do, I am just moving the best I can under the cruelest of circumstances.

     

    I didn’t set out to disrupt our dance, to step on people’s toes, to ruin the duets; I am just a dancer in reality, where in the past I was dancing to a song in my head.

     

    Our moves are awkward at best, stilted and unrehearsed, and sadly at times, more at ease alone.

     

    I was trying to shield the impact of my world imploding and the fall out it caused, but in the end it was felt anyway.

     

    I guess this is what it looks like when a family is impacted by tragedy and when one person changes so drastically that it splashes on everyone.

     

    This is what life is, changes change the way you move!

     

  • The Disguise

    One man's junk is another man's treasure, applies to people too.  It is amazing how two people can view an individual in two contrasting ways.

    Now the question is which person is right?  Does the individual change depending upon who he is with, or is 'beauty' really in the eye of the beholder?

    What draws us to a person or repells us away?  Is it possible that however deep you are, you then are able to see deeply into their lives.

    As I unpacked my childhood wounds and all the subsequence parcels, I changed the way I now look at people.  I see courage in those who fearlessly unpack and sort through years of feelings, emotions and pain, learning and correcting errors of their ways.  And that leaves me with nothing to say to those who have yet begun to unpack.

    The unpacked souls run, are restless and anxious, forever moving to keep from feeling their pain.  Their overly flowerful praises are slung back and forth in hopes that they will dress up what lays beneath, like window dressings on a prison.

    Unpacked, unshackled, unloaded, I am silent in knowing.

    I see beneath the disguise.

  • Being Me!

    I heard something today that I know I have never considered, that when you feel whatever it is you are feeling, that is you.  The You is comprised of feelings and so often we try and run from them, but then we are actually running from our self!

    Geneen Roth and Oprah were discussing her book, "Woman, Food, and God" and about feeling discomfort of any kind and how we usually  eat when we feel uncomfortable. 

    I see this like we are getting to know our bodies to be able to read what they are telling us, and if you look around your surroundings, you can usually find out what is the cause of those feelings.

    In my case, the fear was justified from my father, fear didn't arise for no reason, my body was trying to tell me something, and I ignored the sensations within my body.

    In her book, Geneen is trying to reconnect us back with our bodies and in doing so she will reconnect you with your truth.

    It is an amazing journey to look at what you are doing instead of feeling that which you don't want to feel.

    I simply love that what I feel is me.  And I love that I can now voice what I feel and act upon those feelings.  I no longer have to pretend that I don't feel what I feel, in fact I won't pretend to pretend to pretend any more!

    I am now learning when to stop eating or when to eat.  I am getting to learn the signals of fullness from my belly.

    What an exciting thing to learn about you by looking at your body.  She is the one too that says "Your beliefs are how your body looks."  Deepak Chopra says that the mind is manifested in your body.

    The more conscious I am, the more aware of my body, the less influence the crazy mind has on what it does.

    Just as I learned how to navigate out of dysfunctional relationships, I am hopeful that I can learn what kinds of foods my body really wants.  I will have to listen and pay attention to what it feels.

    Learning every day about this magnificent living organism, the human body.  Which goes back to the saying "We are Spiritual Beings having a Human experience."

    I am becoming more aware of both and learning what they both need, to have the best human experience of being me!

    Thanks Geneen and Oprah.

  • The Truth of who we are.

     

     

    Annihilate.

    destroy something: to destroy something completely, especially so that it ceases to exist.

    defeat somebody: to defeat somebody easily and decisively.

    This definition wasn’t what I expected, somehow when people spoke of being annihilated, they were speaking of being put aside, a feeling of disconnection.  Not that they were defeated, destroyed, and that you cease to exist, wow this changes the meaning for me.

    Oprah spoke of feeling annihilated, that her grandmother used to beat her and after giving her a whipping her grandmother didn’t want to see an expression of pain. Oprah wasn’t allowed to express that or show how painful it was.  So she annihilated the experience from herself.

     

    The whippings had to be destroyed or cease to exist and she had to annihilate herself from feelings, to disconnect from the sensations of her body, to not feel what she felt.

     

    Her grandmother also annihilated the little girl.

     

    It is so easy for an adult to do this to a child, to easily and decisively defeat someone that is half your size and to destroy completely their innocence so it ceases to exist, to leave the child annihilated from being a child.

     

    How tragic this application of annihilation is when applied to children who suffer under the hands of confused adults, how they are literally disconnecting the child from its own body, its feelings and sets them upside down with their feelings.

     

    We love and fear and respect those who hurt us for we are not allowed to express what our bodies are speaking.

     

    Annihilation is the perfect word for abuse.  It destroys who we would have been, that person ceases to exist.

     

    We are annihilated from the truth of who we are.

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • Leading Me In Truth.

    “Never apologize for showing feeling.  When you do so, you apologize for the truth.”  ~Benjamin Disraeli

     

    My feelings and I are great friends; I truly understand them, now.  Each come with their own identity and behind each lies a truth, and I no longer mix up my feelings.

     

    My dysfunctional childhood had me way confused as to what each feeling meant. 

     

    Somehow I loved what I feared, and now know that fear and love don’t share the same feeling, they are separate feelings. 

     

    When you separate the two feelings, only one gets to stay in the reality of what is, the other is seen as the false one.

     

    I don’t mix up my feelings with your feelings.

     

    We each have our own set of feelings.  You get to do with yours as you see fit, and I then get to be with mine.

     

    Being with my feelings brings me great comfort; it is my inner guiding system, a way of leading me in truth.

     

     

     

  • Treasures of Me!

    A friend gave me a quote, “Feelings buried alive, never die.” 

     

    These buried alive feelings are like landmines and we are the explosives!

     

    I knew that I was a walking keg of dynamite, and ready to blow at any given time, and I always blamed the person who ‘stepped’ on me, but never looked at the container full of alive feelings.

     

    I was full to the brim with feelings that I wasn’t allowed to express or feel.  I learned to take feelings and just bury them away like a forgotten treasure.

     

    Feelings are the treasures of living and “our bodies are the best biofeedback we have,” as Deepak Chopra says.  I know without feelings I am dead.

     

    When my cover was blown, when the lid of truth exposed my life, all my feelings lay there buried alive. 

     

    I felt like a canister of feelings exposed for all to see.  Raw, alive and pulsing fear, terror, confusion, sadness, helplessness, way overwhelming to see a lifetime of feelings in one place.

     

    I was alive with feelings and I was alive within my body.

     

    It is hard to express the aliveness of such horror, but alive, in comparison to being dead or separated from all feelings.

     

    Not having access to feelings, to be cut off from feeling is to be breathing but not living.

     

    We cut ourselves off from feelings because what we have to feel is so horrendous; it is easier to amputate the feeling for we can’t leave the situation.

     

    In amputating the feelings we are disconnecting the body from ourselves.  We live like James Joyce wrote, " Mr. Duffy lived a short distance from his body.

     

    In order to reconnect, we have to go into the landmine of feelings and feel. 

     

    By feeling our feelings we re-join our bodies. 

     

    My body literally felt what it felt like to be little and abused, tears flowed at last to match the feelings, fear arose and grabbed my body, leagues of feelings waited in line to be expressed.  Overwhelmed and exhausted, my only job was to let feelings arise and ride them out.

     

    At last I was with my body and my feelings were mine to feel and I honored each one.  Messengers from many years back coming forward now handing me my life back, the buried treasures of me!