Forceful kindness is a phrase I had used to describe how some may take your power, how they keep pushing kindness to make you believe or feel something…it isn't just kindness, it is kindness with an agenda.
Kindness that is trying to change your mind.
Kindness that runs over your feelings.
Kindness that sounds one way but feels completely different.
Kindness that wants something.
Kindness with an abusive attitude, for it is trying too hard to convince you…it is kind.
I have been given many aspects of my mother appearing and reappearing time and time again, showing me OR rather allowing me to see that which I thought was one thing, was literally the opposite, and I am getting wiser and catching the lessons, grabbing on to the falsehood and forced kindness in order for me to 'do something'.
The manipulation and delivery sounds so nice, empathetic, understanding, with a 'reason' behind it.
My latest delivery came in the form of "I am going to help you"…which actually boiled down to….I am helping myself.
My boss said she was bringing in 'help' for me after a long Monday, by the time I was ready to bundle the mail and head out on Tuesday the help turned into a person who was there to make sure I didn't go into overtime for the week. And since it appeared that my hours would balance out, all help was removed.
The daily struggle on very heavy package days don't matter, unless it happens to be a Friday, and it looks like I am on the verge of overtime.
What I told her is that don't pretend to 'help' me, when all you really are focused on is your spread sheet of hours. I understand and I get it. Your main job is to see that we don't go over hours. You can't be empathetic or helpful, you have to manage hours. Just say it. Just be forthright and say it. Don't call it 'helping me' when you are actually helping your self.
I truly get it and accept, that the Post Office can't offer help, it has to watch its bottom line. I am not upset about that.
I am upset with the way my boss tried to sell me help, when it was really for herself.
If someone is going to help you, it will feel like help. It didn't feel like she was helping me, but helping herself and I told her so.
She wanted to appear, helpful and empathetic, when the Post Office doesn't allow for it. I wasn't going to appear helped when it didn't help me.
I believed the first night she indeed could help me. I was relieved. I was disappointed on the second day, when she changed the type of help she could give me. And in the passing hours felt the help totally disappear…and felt it, and expressed it quite expressively.
Some may challenge me and say it was being insubordinate, but what I was actually doing was calling her on her false delivery.
I told her, "For me, please don't say you are going to do something and then not do it, make promises you can't deliver or are even capable of doing. Don't make it seem like you are going to help me, when you can't. I would prefer you say Nothing UNTIL you can. If it isn't possible, I get it. Just call it saving overtime and not help."
I am way okay with the reality of how things are. I am way not okay with someone playing in front of them trying to make me believe that which isn't possible.
I understood that I too wanted to believe in help that wasn't possible.
I own my part, my believing and wanting it…so I grabbed on.
We both took a day and a half ride on Make Belief….and in the end I was disappointed.
I was disappointed I believed in that which wasn't possible…a train ride out of reality and I was let down. Let down right where I started, overwhelmed with the work at hand….wishing for help.
Wishing is a place that isn't reality…
Wishing is what comprised my whole childhood.
Wishing things were different…
It took me a whole day to get back to acceptance.
Accepting what is…accepting that I will be overwhelmed for the next two weeks, and that no help will be coming. I am okay, once I get back to reality and let the wishing go…
Wishing is a train out of reality.
I M Perfect lady 