Martha Beck writes (In Leaving the Saints) about the way she was taught to communicate in the Mormon Church, “through continuous indirect communication, I learned that a good Mormon girl doesn’t travel in the dimension of direct communication.”
This is how I believe most of us are taught and then call people who do talk directly and succinctly… bold, brash, cold and even bitter.
Direct communication is scary after talking indirectly and around most sensitive issues, to just say what it is you need to say… feels terrifying.
What I know is that there are reasons we are taught indirectness in our speaking. We are told either by words or actions ‘not to go there’ and we don’t, we learn to talk in a pretend roundabout way.
We say things we don’t mean or feel…and instead say things that are not true…out of fear of getting in trouble if we don’t. Mostly we are taught to shut off our feelings and not to be so sassy and say what is on our minds. We are taught that indirect conversations are best for all concerned, it isn’t good to go to the heart of any issue.
What I know for sure, is that I went along with the indirect conversations in my home and it costs me greatly in the end.
Now, direct open frank conversations are the only ones I care to engage in, the others seem like disconnected words. Words that are not attached to the person or their truths.
I had lived for years believing that words alone were powerful that they had this great impact upon the land, until I learned that unless words are with reality and truth, they are simply just words…meaningless.
Minus meaning or meaning less than what needs to be said.
There is no difference between what I say and what I do, they match.
In the past, what I felt and what I said were worlds apart, like the polar opposites in life. I never felt that I could actually say what I feel, let alone act according to my feelings. I was taught to act against my feelings for the sake and happiness of others, out of love.
If you love someone ‘you spare them your true feelings’ is the gist of what I was taught.
And now I have learned if you love someone they above all deserve your truth.
In the end it boils down to you either have a direct meaningful relationship or you have an indirect one.
Indirect, do you care to guess its meaning? “Indirect, diverging from the direct course, roundabout. Not proceeding straight and to the point or object.”
What I have learned in the past six years is that very few speak directly to the point…most are speaking in roundabout ways, they are trying to skirt the mountain of truths, to spare their feelings and the feelings of others.
In fact, when speaking indirectly you will avoid feelings and miss the point of the conversation.
I M Perfect lady 