Tag: no choice

• Steps towards mine.

  My online conversations with family are so enlightening and disturbing, confusing and clear, and they show me who they are, and how they see me.

   

  What continues to surprise me is that they hold me up to an unattainable standard and then have no standards for themselves or the rest of the folks they spend time with.

   

  Their willingness to hang on to my father and let me go leaves me forever puzzled.

   

  My latest infraction is that I knew my mother wasn’t with my father, but I said it for my benefit, for my stories benefit.

   

  I lie for the benefit of my story?

   

  My story is torrid enough without needing one drop of falseness.  They don’t make Hollywood movies that are as tainted and twisted and long-suffering as mine.

   

  I willingly admitted that I assumed wrong, and that wasn’t believed. 

   

  My mother was in my father’s new town, but refused to see him, she would get dropped off before his house and wait while they delivered ‘stuff’ to him.

   

  She was near, but not with him, sorta like when she is up here.  She is near me, but not with me. 

   

  So what does that mean?

   

  We have not had a reunion any more than they have had a divorce, it seems she lives in between.

   

  Between the ending and a new beginning, a no place.

   

  It seems to me it would be easier to end it once and for all, to complete the relationship to finalize it, like ending a contract, for until then you are nowhere, not married, but not divorced.

   

  Separated with space, living in a hammock between both lands.

   

  Her not being near him hasn’t brought her closer to me, I wonder why? 

   

  Where is she really?

   

  No steps taken to sever or to reunite.

   

  What kind of life is it to live in between, to live in the space that isn’t either side, to be free of making a choice either way?

   

  Isn’t that standing still?

  Undecided?

  Unknowing?

   

  I see her as unchanged, for even if she has left my father’s side, she hasn’t made steps towards mine.

   

   

   

  July 21, 2010

  choices, divorce, family, life, no choice, reunions, separations, undecided, unknowing

  ---

• I can.

  
  ”We would if we could.”  This phrase my brother picked up from Bryon Katie.  Her books are about accepting what is, or loving what is.  So that phrase must be in reference in being unable to accept what is.

   

  It can’t be about changing reality or changing other people, it has to be about changing ourselves, for she isn’t an advocate of trying to change someone else or even reality.

   

  I have been starting and stopping pages about ‘I would if I could’ in trying out to see the application of that.

   

  When does the phrase, “I would if I could” apply?

  When do you say those words and to whom?

  Do you say it to yourself or just to others?

   

  I would if I could.

   

  In my own world, I don’t say that very much, but I bet I act it out a lot and feel it plenty.

   

  I also bet my sisters, brothers and parents are the ones who feel the ramifications of the “I would if I could.”

   

  In my first writings of this it seemed like a victim mode, a stance you take or a refusal to do something, that maybe if you just changed your thoughts or beliefs or minds, you could.

   

  If I use this phrase in my current life with my current or nonexistent relationships with my brothers/sisters and parents, I can now see how it works.

   

  They see me refusing, and I am.

  They see how I could, but I don’t.

  I see how I could as well, but at what cost.

   

  I am thinking the choice is there, but that there is always a cost, always a consequence and always an affect.

   

  This information may only be a feeling, an intuitive knowing, but nonetheless it is there.

   

  There is something we are unwilling to give up in order to do what it is we are being asked to do.

   

  Mostly it seems we have to give up an idea in our minds.

   

  “I would if I could.”

   

  I know that feeling, but it is the opposite of how my brother is using it as.

   

  He uses it when his mind controls him.  When he feels victimized by his anxious roaming mind.  He would if could, but he is unable to get ahead of it.  It is like his mind is making the choice for him, not him.  That he believes his mind, or is incapable of not believing his mind.

   

  And I am standing on the opposite side of his example.

  I am challenging the mind, questioning it to see what is true for me.  I have more space to question my mind thoughts.  I see them come in and I engage them, but then get to decide If I tag along.

   

  Maybe my phrase is I could but I won’t.

  I can but I will not.

  It is feasible, but I am choosing not to.

   

  I have to believe that there is much more empowerment on this side of “I would if I could.”

   

  I would be a sister if I could….

  I would be a daughter if I could….

   

  I guess what we are saying really is I would but with conditions.

  Is it a bargaining of sorts?

   

  I would if I could, but I am unwilling to let go in order to grab on!

   

  In my world the cost is way too high to be back in relationships with folks who are incapable of seeing me with empathy and understanding.  And maybe this is an issue for me, that I am not seeing them with empathy or understanding.

   

  Is that true?

   

  It seems that in understanding me, I was unraveling them as well. 

   

  I do have empathy for them, I do know that they will when they can and until then they can’t. 

   

  To go back to my old way of thinking, believing, and being is impossible for me, “I would if I could?!”

   

  But it is like a bell that has been rung.  Byron Katie says, once you no longer believe something to be true, you can’t then believe it to be true ever again.  It is impossible to flip back and forth.

   

  I love that.

   

  I would if I could.  But my mind refuses to believe that my father is just a father, that my mother is not in denial, that my brothers and sisters are healthy whole functional beings.

   

  I can’t get that false belief back.  Thank God.

  I would if I could…..nope that isn’t even true.  I am happy that I can’t unlearn or forget that information.

   

  My life is so much more enriched knowing what I know.

   

  My brother hasn’t discovered all the truths and he is still seeking and investigating thoughts and beliefs that are not true.

   

  They call it seeking the truth; I am thinking it should be seeking the untruths that we believe in.

   

  That would be easier to discover.

   

  Is it true, can we absolutely know that it is true?

  How do you react when you believe that thought?

  Who would you be without that thought?

  Turn around, (find three examples of how each turnaround is true in your life.)

   

  Those are the questions Byron Katie uses to get you to see if your stressful thoughts are true.

   

  I love that I now know about “I would if I could” and I love how that isn’t even true for me.

   

  This has to be the meaning of a quality no….knowing you could but that you won’t.

   

  I can.

   

  September 22, 2009

  acceptance, byron Katie, loving what is, no choice, quality no

  ---