As I walked along these past six years, I only ever had two choices, not three, not four but two, and I could only carry forward one.
Just one, not two, only one!
Two would have grown me into a multi personality.
There would have been two aspects of me, two types of me, two sides of me, a multiple me.
Each side leading totally different lives sailing between and over boundaries like mixing colored water from glass to glass, until I would have been colored murky, muddy undetectable, where you would not know who is the real me.
This murky colored water is where I believe I sorted myself out from, I had to re-visit each relationship and see who the real me was.
To see where I moved from glass to glass not paying attention to how it colored me.
In each glass I had to see what it required of me to swim there, what side of me shone in that space and what side of me lay in the dark?
It was literally like running around holding up the old side and the reality side looking for a match, seeing what had integrity that could stand test of truth.
Time and time again, I was surprised and horrified that most of my life was for the darker side, the side of me that came forth from abuse.
There was very little in my world that was the real deal.
Those things left standing are few but precious.
And it is my belief I will grow from here, gain from here, thrive from here, for I was dying in the murky darkness, unable to know me, find me, see me, be me.
This personal that lived in the murkiness shone in other’s lives and dimmed in my own.
Now I am a like a dim light bulb, a faint teeny glow to them, but very colorful and bright inside.
I see my daughter heading into the murky waters, trying to blend herself in both glasses, trying to appease the truth and the dark, the love and the fear, I see how I lost myself as I watch her go.
What do I say? Do I tell her to stay out of our glass so she is not confused, so she is just one way to her self?
What did I need to hear back then?
What was the key that would have stopped me from losing myself in both worlds?
Is there a shorter path than what I took?
A less painful one?
As she loses her self in like/love she doesn’t see the murky waters swallowing her like quick sand…
But I do. I see her going in where I just left.
What I find deeply disturbing about all of this, is that while my mother didn’t seem me slip into the quick sand I do, I see her going deeper and deeper. It seems unfair for me to watch this play out.
To see the innocence blend with deceit, lies, until all that is left standing is this murky sense of self, this dim light.
Why do I need to see this?
What is my lesson yet again?
To see the power and the lack of control, the submissiveness, the equal partnership between abuser and abusee?
Is it more right to see two folks dancing in the quagmire?
Will they save themselves while tossing more dirt upon each other?
Who will save them from themselves?
It seems in my murkiness, one day I saw the whole scene, the whole dreadful scene of filth and dirt, the lies and the deceit, is that what flips you out?
Do you have to go in and swim, taste and feel the darkness; you can’t know it from the shore?
It is like just curing yourself from cancer and turning around and seeing all you tossed off has landed on your child.
I am just not sure what my next move is.
“When in doubt, don’t.” Don’t move, don’t speak, don’t act. Just don’t.
Again, great Universe this is up to you…let me know my next move.
I M Perfect lady 