Tag: responsibilities

• Growing Up.

  I heard my own words coming back to me, I listened to what I sounded like, it was a live tape recorder, my son.

  “You are not listening to me.”

  “Why are you being so difficult?”

  “Why do you have to make this so hard, you know what you need to do?”

  He wasn’t screaming, but trying to maintain his polite stance so that I could see he was good.

  I had done this too, I didn’t want him to see the bad side of me, yet after a few times of speaking and no action I would abandon that plan and just go full tilt in the hollering mode.

  I had wanted him to take care of his responsibilities without me having to take care of mine.

  Something had changed within me; he could feel my strong stance and that he had lost his power or rule between him and I.

  I no longer cared about being a ‘nice’ mom.

  I was done.
  I was tired.

  My words, my pleading, my forever telling him what to do and when, my constant directions had me exhausted.

  I had a voice-activated son. If I screamed and hollered, he moved.

  And I was tired of moving this big kid around, for
  I now had to look up at him.

  Perhaps it was his large body or the fact that I was worn down, but I finally had had enough.

  I took his iTouch hostage in exchange for responsible behavior.

  What I want most is a son who is responsible for self.

  What is insane is that I have been spoiling, babying and taking care of him, EXPECTING him to be responsible. Guess there was no need, for I had it!

  I was finally tired of doing his life along with mine.

  I will take away whatever else needs to be taken away to get him to now undo all my years of spoiling.

  It will be a hard and long learning curve for both of us, for I am guilty of over tending since I was so unattended.

  There is a balance in the middle.

  I will continue to find the things that I am responsible for, what a tending mother does, but not a spoiling mother.

  There is a fine line.

  He isn’t a bad kid, but he was teetering on the edge of following his peers and group mentality, for he was so used to following words of others.

  He was perfectly taught by me.

  What is so blatantly obvious is how he treated his superiors at school was the same way he treats me.

  He dances on the line of disrespect, before slipping back into compliance.

  He is approaching the cross roads in life, where he will decide who he is, what behaviors he wants to define himself, will he be responsible or blame those in charge for his circumstances?

  What I know for sure is that I have been a negative influence as far as holding him responsible for being responsible.

  I had taken too many responsibilities away from him and now I am going to have to work harder to give them back.

  And it will be harder on him to learn to follow his own voice inside.

  Perhaps that is called growing up.

  January 8, 2011

  child, consequences, controlling, growth, hollering, life, pleading, rearing, responsibilities

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• My Life

  Inside of my body lay ‘guilty cells’ that sprung up from leaving the responsibility of another’s life behind.

   

  I had feelings of guilt while doing things that one should not feel guilty for, such as creating Art Quilts or enjoying the peace and serenity of my home, our land, the river, the sunshine, the trees, the birds, peace and joy.

   

  To submerge myself deeply into my own life, seemed to alert these guilty cells and they seeped into the moment, raining feelings of guilt upon an otherwise Sunshine filled day.

   

  Caught neglecting my responsibilities again, like a thief caught in the night or a being found out I was having an affair.

   

  As I write that, I have been having dreams of having an affair or cheating.  Interesting.

   

  I woke this morning fresh from another dream of being friendly with another man, knowing how it would look if my husband were to happen along.

   

  Dreams of cheating seemed odd to me, but now make sense.

   

  In order to feel like I am cheating, there has to be someone I feel I am letting down or turning away from.

   

  If I can feel guilty about cheating on someone that means I have not completely severed the ties.

   

  A divorce proceeding needs to happen.

   

  I recall writing to someone that there isn’t a divorce that can literally take place, where you can divorce your family.  And without a divorce you get left feeling connected but detached.

   

  I wonder what kind of ceremony I could do or paper I could write up that would end my responsibility to that family.

   

  It reminds me of the notices they put in the paper that states, “I am no longer responsible for debts, bills, etc that so and so incurs.”

   

  Maybe I can just state it here, that I am no longer responsible for actions made by my father, my mother, my brothers, sisters, their friends, their children, or all children of the Universe. What they do or don’t do is no reflection on me and I am not the one to fix, take care of, or am responsible for any one of them.

   

  I divorce you all. 

   

  A thought just came about an annulment, so I had to go look up the meaning.

   

  A judgment by a court that retroactively invalidates a marriage to the date of its formation.

   

  In this case I am thinking an annulment would be better, it invalidates the relationship retroactively.

   

  I had a bond, ties that held me responsible for you forever. 

   

  The annulment sets me free all the way back, to the point of joining as well as today and tomorrow.

   

  I am free.

  Free to be with the sunshine, my art, my life!

  
  

   

  March 11, 2010

  annulment of family, bonds, cheating on self, divorce family, freedom, responsibilities

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