The two main things I have been striving to achieve are to mend a broken heart and to find my sense of lucidity.
There are times when the brokenness obscures my vision of sanity.
Perhaps a broken heart causes insanity.
It is impossible to discern the cause and affect.
What came first?
As I head into each situation, past memory, old relationship, investigating and probing, I usually become more lucid and sane and find no love.
What is so unsettling is that I can have my sanity back, but can’t find love there.
It seems the wires of insanity are laced with love, wrapped and wound tightly together, like white on rice, that you can’t separate the two.
Trying to leave love unaffected while becoming lucid, is to maintain a loving family amidst the evidence of dysfunction.
I see the love change before my eyes, as my eyes grow clearer and clearer, its to see the secondary picture emerge that has always been there, just obscured by my love.
My insanity fades into lucidness, my love I see was poured into containers with holes.
Leaking out not held dear.
I can see clearly now where I poured all my love, see now where it lay abandoned and betrayed, my efforts long forgotten, my undying faithfulness cheated upon, like a used container tossed aside after its contents enjoyed.
I see the me that was so faithful to the unfaithful.
I see the me that was so trusting to the untrusting.
I see the me that was so giving to the ungiving.
I see me doing the right thing to the wrong people.
That no matter how much I gave, I couldn’t change the people in front of me, that it is impossible to add love, trust, faith and a giving spirit to someone else.
And I also think, I came really close in losing that spirit within me, that when the outside doesn’t change, you believe that your love isn’t good enough.
Your faith isn’t strong enough.
Your trust isn’t trusting enough…you are the problem, you didn’t try hard enough.
Insanity is trying to make a loving person by loving them more.
Insanity is trying to make a giving person by giving them more.
Insanity is trying to make a trusting person by trusting them more.
When, evidence showed the first time you walked up to them and handed them, your love, trust and faith, they tore them up.
Somehow someway, as a child, we keep bringing them more and more, believing that if only we could be good enough, they could see love and kindness within us.
We look to them to find the value in us.
What is so shocking to see is the emptiness there, I see them not seeing me at all, and perhaps it is the empty container in front of them.
We poured ourselves out for them.
I M Perfect lady 