I M Perfect lady

Tag: Yoga

  • Only Way Through It.

    I am back doing yoga on a fairly regular basis…and in the last few weeks, my left hip seemed to straighten out, allowing me to walk straighter.  However, with this adjustment, it seems that my left lower back now is feeling the pressure.  It reminds me how connected we are.

    The lower left back seems to be out of alignment and in many postures it is very uncomfortable.  Yet, if I relax with my breath in them, it seems to release the tight muscles.  It almost feels like these muscles have been clenched and balled tight, and now I am asking them to release and strengthen.

    Instinctively, I want to either back out of the pose or grip even tighter, when what really works is to relax, breath and go deeper.

    I am sure this is how we are in all of life's tight spots. It seems un-natural to be with, and to find comfort in pain…to push in further, to breathe and to engage with the pain.  

    In yoga, my tender back and jolting nerves are a bit skittish going into poses, but if I take my time, go steady and slow, and enter into the painful spots, I loosen them up and my flexibility expands and my muscles grow stronger.

    If I were to follow my fear, I would turn away from my pain.  Doing so would leave me with a body that isn't in alignment and would even deteriorate further.  

    Going into the pain is the only way through it…

  • Our Own Worst Enemy

    I heard Self Confidence described in a way I hadn't thought of it before…I believe we have an overall meaning, but not how it is derived.  What I didn't know is that our sense of self confidence comes from our inner dialogue and promises…the ones we don't keep, are actually lies to our selves.  The more we lie, the less confidence we have in our self.

    Bob Greene and Oprah were talking about starting to make healthy changes in your lifestyle, and how we tell our selves, "Monday, I will start working out…" or "Next month, I will stop eating sweets".  The damage comes when we tell ourselves these lies, for Monday rolls around and we don't do as we said.

    It is in the follow through, or the lack thereof, that our confidence in our self begins to diminish.  The more we say we are going to start and the more often we don't, we see our selves as a liar…and just as friends who fail to follow through, we  lose our ability to trust our self.

    I hadn't considered all the times I toyed with the idea of 'starting' something and didn't that I was setting a precedence inside of me to lie.  Not only lie, but then not get upset about it.  

    It is like I was okay with lying and then even more okay at being lied to…by me.  I would never do to others what I have done over and over to myself.

    And more importantly, no one that I have respect for has ever lied to me as much as I have lied to myself.

    Somehow I discount the lies I tell myself and even have become numb or deaf to the words uttered, the promises, or plans spoken, either out loud or in my head. 

    What I know is that I would never talk that way to others, nor would I tolerate this behavior from others…yet when it is between me and me, there are no boundaries.

    Even doing the Yoga Challenge, it was helpful to have told other people, so that my word wasn't just between me and me.   Like I intuitively knew, that words to just myself were not enough.  

    Now I am debating how to create a healthy food plan, and have been off of sweets now for three days.  Yet, I haven't declared this out loud or even to myself.  There is a fear there in stating something I may not be able to suceed in.  Perhaps there is a part of me that is tired of lying inside of me.

    Just as I want to do a yoga challenge, but feel that I am not ready to commit for 60 days, and yet without a challenge, I do very little yoga.

    I am at a place of not wanting false promises, but not able to commit…perhaps in this space I can't fail, for I don't even try…but I don't lie.

    I just found this so interesting…I want to nurture a friendship with myself that is free of lies and false promises, one that I can respect and honor.

    I just didn't know my friendship with myself wasn't one that I would allow from others.  And this one lives inside and directs my life…stops starting to begin a new change that will have so many rewards.  

    Even in that alone is interesting.  How I stop myself from changing out of bad habits.  We certainly are our own worst enemy.

     

     

     

  • A broken Heart can open you up to you.

    I made it to the yoga mat today, the third time in a week.  I was surprised that my yoga was waiting for me, that my poses were pretty much where I left them.  

    I was a little stiff, and a bit wobbly in locking my knee, and my middle had bulked out some, which didn't make that much of a difference.

    Today, when I went into the first floor exercise, and lifted my left leg, the pain in my hip or joint area was very intense.  As in the past, I began asking it what was its source…and when I said the word guilty, immediately I began to sob.

    It felt like I was left feeling guilty for being abused, that I was carrying the guilt and it constricted me, made me curl into myself.  I began doing what David Hawkins suggested, to cancel the guilt beliefs about myself, and breathed in the knowing of innocence.

    As I do the floor exercises my belly button hernia sometimes bothers me, so I was rubbing that and wondering what belief or what message the body was delivering with this bulging of my guts. How did this develop… I asked was it that I was "spilling my guts" and nothing happened.  I then pondered if I hated my guts, if I as disgusted with myself, and again immediately an emotional response.  I acknowledge this wrong belief, feeling the innocent me getting this wrong…and then did the cancelling breathing and adding that I recieved the message from my body, that my belly no longer has to gain my attention.  I will continue to do this in yoga now and see how things improve and change.  

    It is so telling that as children in our innocence we believe things due to the lack of adult supervision and correcting our distorted beliefs, and it becomes something we re-inforce as we unconsciously don't fully embrace ourselves.

    We have to see where our innocence left and then make a correction in order to make changes in our minds.  Our Spirit can recognize the place where we veered off the path of innocence and it too can bring us back.

    What a very healing yoga session…working my body and correcting my mind.

    Then, I went to do a Valentine Quilt, but what came to me was to work on the one Lady Quilt that was a work in progress.

    My Valentine Lady is much more pensive than what I had pictured…perhaps I had to get this one out of the way, and then do one that represents a very much in love with herself Lady.

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    The Hearts say, "Broken – Open" and  "Self – No one" and the bottom one says, "Self Love". 

    I see her as trying to protect herself from heartbreak, and yet her hearts break.  

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    By feeling the loss you can become whole.  Very interesting to me how this lady turned out.  A broken heart can open you up to you. 

     

  • A Stress Gatherer

    I had a conversation with a woman who does massages, and she shared that sometimes while massaging a body, it will release sorrow.  She also knows that there are oils that will help the body release emotional stress from the body.

     

    I had wondered out loud, how that would be to have the body release things without the self knowing the story or history of the stress….like crying for no reason.

     

    This reminded me of how I had cried for hours while driving home from Green Bay the summer before my father's secret became known.  How I had no reason in the world to cry, yet cry I did.  And it wasn't just silent tears flowing, but racking sobs.  Yet in my head or thoughts, nothing was there to support the sorrow.

     

    If my father's story hadn't come forth, I would have just had this mysterious event, isolated from my 'normal' life an oddity…sorrow out of nowhere and attached to nothing, a rogue wave of immense sorrow…leaving my body.

     

    Now that I know my history, it does makes sense.  

     

    That leaves me to wonder about making the body cry or releasing sorrow without knowing why, without the background story?

    Will the body be less stressed?  Or will the crying jag make you wonder where the unease comes from?

    Very interesting to me to hear the body can release without the mind or consciousness knowing the cause.

     

    In yoga, often times when my body is particularly sore or perhaps even after going deep into postures, I will express tears.

    Yet, I know that I have had childhood sexual abuse, that is my root and it is lodged in the cells of my body…so it makes sense for me.

     

    To me, it just seems better knowing what you are crying about…than to release tears in the body without knowing why.

     

    If I had just released in the body, my body would continue to gather stress as I continued with my old life.  For I would have been in the same dysfunctional relationships, operating with the same thoughts and beliefs that grew from dysfunction. So, while a massage can rid the body of stress, it can't stop the body from going back and gathering more stress for there is no new awareness.

     

    Perhaps massage, oils, and yoga is best used when you know your root source…when you are discovering your history.

     

    Otherwise you again, are crying for no reason….at least no reason that you know of.

     

    And if you don't know what you are doing to cause stress in your body, you will continue to be the stress magnet and the massages will be endless.

     

    Getting down to the root source, to me, is the only way to stop being a stress gatherer.

     

     

  • Taking care of myself.

    It is disheartening to feel and watch my body in yoga after a couple month break.  In places where I used to be able to easily touch my toes, I have to strain, stretch, breathe and hold on, barely.  

    Today was my second day and the postures seemed just a bit less brutal, and I had regained a little of my flexibility…I felt kinder to me, less annoyed with the lapse I let go by.

    The path forward I have traveled before, so I know I can reach places that now are just a memory, but with consistency it can be done AND it is all up to me.

    I have to make the effort, plan the time out, put it on the list.

    I fell away from the routine, and got sloppy with my time, and my body paid the price.  

    With the repetitive nature of my job, sorting mail and putting it in boxes, my arms, neck and shoulders tighten up in muscle knots.  My legs and lower back pay the price as well for either standing all morning or sitting all afternoon.  By the end of the day without yoga I am ouchy.

    What surprises me is that I know the cost of not doing yoga, yet I drag my butt getting to the mat.  I feel better doing yoga, yet I don't eagerly run to do it each day.

    It was good to see myself in the mirror taking care of myself…

  • Energy and Feeling Good

    Slowly but surely my physical body has been pushed to the far reaches of my life, again.  Well, I notice it when it creaks and aches and feels ouchy, when my neck and jaw are tense and in pain, when my middle is so expanded that I feel bundled up in a winter coat…and there is a faint feeble calling of the yoga mat.
    I am not sure why I wait for physical discomfort, for loathing and self recriminations, but that seems to be the way. That when I am on a winning streak, like 340 plus days of yoga, I lose the 'desire' or whatever that is.
    It seems like all kinds of things came rushing in or crowding over My Time…that while  tended this or that, I forgot to leave time, space, energy, Or I forgot to say no more than yes and slowly 'other' things overwhelmed my space.
    I have spent tons of hours on my inner awareness and self control, self freedom, etc. But I keep a healthy distance from the body's needs.
    My mind and soul feel at peace in a very open liberal place….and yet my body still feels in prison at times.  
    Over-run by old habits.  
    Habits that seem not of mind or spirit, but just residual affects from my old life.
    In fact my outside (body) where my spirit and mind live needs to catch up with the inner work.
    Maybe it is time to put the same intensity and focus on flipping my body.
    My body is the odd man out. 
    It is not free.
    It is not at peace.
    My body can't do a thing without me setting the intentions, putting IT on the list, at the top and finding ways to serve it and give it the same sacred intensity that I gave my inner landscape.
    Time to clean up my outer body act…finding new alternate habits that will bring in energy instead of lowering it.
    I un-naturally turn  away from my body.
    Somehow I can do this when forced, but it isn't natural for me to be kind and desire good things and wanting to serve my body energy lifters…but I am more natural at neglect.
    It is like I am in control of neglect and out of control for goodness.
    And my body still tries its best to deliver all that I ask of it, but with hurdles and speed bumps…. with me fighting it each step of the way.
    I fight doing yoga and eating foods that deliver good energy and instead dump in sweets and foods that drain me.  
    Maybe it is time to switch the fight around.
    To fight for energy and feeling good.

  • An Old Friend I outgrew.

    I went and did yoga this morning, and it felt sooo good.  My body yearns to be stretched, my neck and jaw are so tight, that I could stay much longer in the postures that are pulling on those muscles.  My arms also are sorely in need of being put in awkward positions as to stretch the bunched up overworked muscles always going in one direction.

     As I work sorting mail my left arm is bent to hold a pile of mail, this arm was painfully stretched out and that felt so good.

    Towards the end of my hour and a half routine, it came to me that my programmed self needs a body that is sluggish and asleep, in order to pull a quick one on me time and time again. 

    So, there has been a struggle within me, as my awareness becomes more aware, the odd twist between my ‘treats’ and how they feel are coming to light, and their gig is up. 

    I believe that the more brainwashed you are and the more confused you are about what feels good and what is bad…the more you need to have a shut down body.

    Perhaps a clear mind starts to crave foods that will help the body be a clear signal reader too. 

    I just feel that the mindset I had matched the shutdown foods that I ate.  They swayed in harmony together, holding each other up. 

    Yoga is a health food in my day; and I don’t like the way my body feels when it misses this.

    It also came to me while mowing the grass…We never ‘miss’ a sweet treat, or short ourselves on chocolate, or cheat and only eat a half a candy, but when doing yoga, I am tempted to stop early or doing anything that is truly good, we tend to slough off…but the old reliable bad stuff we are faithful to.

    Just interesting to notice where we cut corners and when we take more than our fair share.

    Perhaps soon I will be a yoga hog and glutton when it comes to fresh fruits and veggies and my old sweet treats will become an old friend I outgrew.

     

  • Keep Me Down

    As I did my yoga after work, a frivolous task I labeled it, since I opted to do this instead of a domestic chore or something of a higher priority, I just went ahead and took the liberties of time for my self without thinking too deeply…just quickly changed and started the CD, before a list of other things jostled this idea out of my head.

     

    Even calling it frivolous seemed odd, but yet right, that I was cheating responsibility and jumping into frivolous. 

    While in yoga I pondered this word and what it meant to me and how it was that I called doing something that was good for me frivolous. 

    The yoga that I do is very hard and requires my utmost attention, it is working very hard to restore my body to great health, and I called it frivolous. 

    It then came to me; it wasn’t the yoga that was frivolous, but the usage of time.  I was using time frivolously by taking care of myself. 

     I then felt deep sorrow at a girl who thought it frivolous to care for her self, to be with herself doing something that benefits her greatly, and she feels its frivolous.

     I looked up the meaning of frivolous to make sure that I had it right.

     

    1.                     not worth taking seriously: lacking in intellectual substance and not worth serious consideration.

     

    This is exactly the meaning I had in mind, I was not worth taking seriously or with serious consideration.

    I know that this has been my greatest negative pull that seems to be tied by a rope of great width, that keeps holding me down, a belief that is strung through each of my cells.

    I have claimed that my biggest hurdle is that I am too responsible, and yet what is more true, is that I am not worth taking seriously or using serious consideration.

    I take life and others needs very seriously, but my own are considered frivolous not serious.

    I felt pushed upon the mat by the sorrow of understanding, that it isn’t the things that are frivolous, but that I am not worth having them.

    My world is very short of frivolous, from the time I spend, to the items I pass by, for I can’t drum up a reason to bring them in.

    Flipping frivolous to serious has been a long six years struggle, to upend this belief and get me into serious consideration.

    Even though I have been serving me lots of time, big chunks in a day to be used for just me; from writing, to yoga, to art, and blogging, to unraveling my past.  I have been yanking and pulling on this ‘frivolous’ thread, kinda sorta believing it  was serious work, while not completely sold.

    The tables turned today, I can see that what I have been doing is putting my self on the list for serious consideration going against generations of voices that have been trying to keep me down.

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  • Many years of pain.

    Yoga is the opposite of junk food for the soul and when done, I get left with a wonderful feeling, a relaxed stretched out calmness…a great way to begin my day.

     

    What I marvel at is that I drag my body to the mat, I slowly exit the bed, and begrudgingly tossing the quilt aside, I almost angrily put the heater going, like preparing for my death or torture. 

     

    And it is torture to take this neglected body and bring it back to life, to make the muscles strong, as they should be, or the joints as flexible and mobile as is their nature.

     

    I have noticed in the past few months, when I have been doing just a few yoga sessions a week, that I have fallen backwards in how my body moves.

     

    I can see how we become stiff and weak.  It is by far easier to stay beneath the covers and not make the effort.  But we will have pain either way… as Bikram says, “90 minutes or 90 years.”

     

    By making the difficult choice of getting out of bed, I struggle or suffer for 90 minutes and that will save me many years of pain. 

     

  • I faded

    It is so easy to fall out of sight of your self, to disappear and only catch fleeting glimpses through out the day.  It is amazingly easy to not see and pay attention to your inner world and to be present and aware to all things.

     

    When I did yoga each morning I was with myself for an hour and a half.  I was with each breath and focused on my body, and when I stopped doing yoga, I spend very little time paying attention to me.

     

    I miss being with me in such a concentrated healthy way, watching my body become stronger and more flexible, being with the emotions that seemed to flow from my muscles, to gaining balance inside and out.

     

    It has been good as well to see how I seem to disappear from my self while being here, how I can lose sight of my wellness and get lazy…fall back into a sea of apathy.

     

    It’s easier to do nothing…

     

    It takes time, effort and its much more difficult to be on task of being the caretaker of you.

     

    You have to carve up your time each day making sure you take a good chunk for yourself.

     

    I used to do this right away each morning, starting out my day with me in focus, and that set the tone for the rest of the day.

     

    I would then have my best interest front and center.

     

    I am toying with the idea of getting back into the demanding routine of daily yoga.  Perhaps taking one day off each week.

     

    By doing this all things in my life go better; I move better, feel better, sleep better, am much more alert, aware and see clearer…and I am lonesome for that self.

     

    I allowed my self to start fading away, to drift along in the sea of life without really paying attention to where I am going.

     

    Yoga brings me back to me and I feel a greater connection to the Universe…

     

    The wise people are right, you do get what you focus on.

     

    I was not focusing on me and I faded.