I M Perfect lady

As I headed to my room to do yoga with my belly unsettled, images of the laughing sisters, my demeanor glum, I wondered how yoga would be.

The standing poses went by without a hitch, but as I lay on the floor, my focus went into the belly.

What was going on?
What was I feeling?
Is the gut where you feel?

The thought came in, “I hate your guts”…and then I thought of how in the last few weeks, while doing yoga, I have been concentrating on my belly, my hernia that has been there for a long time, and I have been mentally pulling my guts back in.

Whether it will work or not, my focus has been on my belly.

“I hate your guts”…I thought was coming from my sisters, that I was feeling their negative energy coming in to me.

As I lay there rubbing my belly, asking it what it was up, what was all this about?

Tears flowing, caressing my belly, breathing, missing poses, it finally occurred to me, “I hate My Guts!”

My hating of my self has been with me a long long time; in fact my guts have been trying to escape!

I hate my self for no longer being perfect, I felt like a little girl hating her body for its abuse wounds.

During the final breathing exercises, I visualized hate blowing out, and immediately felt that I have been holding a belly full of hate for my body since my abuse.

I hated being imperfect.

My belly can rest now, for I will now work on loving my belly, loving more the imperfections that abuse leaves behind.

How awful that abuse leaves hatred of self inside our bellies, how we try to escape from ourselves.

I feel I have found the source of all my angst, the infestation of feelings that lay inside, the seed abuse left there to grow.

Sprouting self hatred…