I M Perfect lady

Sometimes I sit here aghast at the programming that runs within me and wondering how much of it is left running, when will I uproot the last thread.

It is hard to believe that each and every thing we do is for a reason, it has a belief attached to it, an ironclad will that has been laced through the middle…and we have to destroy it or it will destroy us.

It is like having an enemy’s mind living in our cells.

I have been putting off having a sweet treat for a few hours to regain control of my craving button.  Usually, the button goes off and I run to find what it craves. 

I am coming to learn that I will not die or go crazy without it, and that the whining subsides and the mind goes on to something else.  It is talking back to the control or putting it on pause that I believe will eventually give me back my power.

This programmed system that has been running my life is more than the abuse and the church, for both also imprinted on me that bad was good and good was bad, that self loving was bad, and neglect was good, that feeling wretched was good and feeling good was bad.

Which is why it is so hard to get one clear precise belief on any one thing, for my major CPU reads bad good and good bad.

Even if my mind knows best, my operating system discerns the opposite. 

Just as foreign as I seem to my family, which is what a veggie treat feels like to my body.  Or my actions of yoga compared to actions of co-dependency my family of origin is used to. They want to feed upon me, not have me be my own self.

I am not certain I can articulate this correctly, but me doing good for me feels bad for them.  And me doing good for me feels bad for my programmed old self.

What is good for my programmed self will destroy my real self.

What is bad for the programmed self is good for me.

I am getting the twist and seeing that it is normal to feel the angst and stress and force it takes to wrestle back our rightful feelings, to unhook and rehook them onto the right feelings.

I was programmed to feel bad when I should have felt good and visa versa.

Incredible that the feelings are in sync with messed up mind.

I knew it wasn’t just that there was a belief that was running along un-questioned, but that the feelings were messed up too.

My body was programmed feel the opposite.

Programmed feelings instead of having natural ones.

My programmed self loves sweet treats, I feel like I am getting something good, when I am really feeding myself something that has no value.

Imagine, my treats are getting something of no value.

Very interesting to watch what your programmed to like and do and to explore deeper and see what is going on behind the façade.

Within my childhood religion, the same dynamics were going on.  The sins were for the programmed person, not the real self, in fact what is a sin for the programmed person most likely was good for me.

To take back ownership of my body.

To not bless away others actions.

To question all things and not just follow submissively.

To seek my own relationship with God.

Interesting to see what is programmed into you and then learn how to de-program it.  Mostly by doing the opposite of your childhood…you will find your way out of the programmed self.