I M Perfect lady

God’s Peace

 I was asked, "Do you love your mother?"  And this is how I feel.  I wrote this almost 3 years ago…

“You are the mother you have been waiting for.  When you focus on the mother, you become motherless.”

            Byron Katie

 

Happy Birthday Mom, I want to thank you for all you taught me.  All the pain you suffered so I could get it right.  I want to thank you for staying true to form, for staying the course, so I could see by your example where it would lead me.  I had you to show me the awful way it would turn out, if I was not strong, if I had no courage, if I had only fear.  

It is your birthday, and I wish you well, I hold no resentments or anger.  I have lived as you and wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.  Your walk is hard it is not an easy one.  I know the trials on the way, the blindness, the unknowing, no memory, no path, the lost hopes, the dreams that never arrive, the pit of desperation, of false hopes, of others changing, endless roads to no where.  

I know how it is to hurt unintentionally, to see but not see, to hear but not hear, to have children you can’t protect, to lose more than your heart can hold.

Some how, by some miracle, I have been spared of lifetime of that.  I have been allowed to spring free, allowed to know a new me.  I was able to walk free of the prison that holds you so tight. 

We don’t know why I was set free, why I walked away, why I could see what you never could, why I could hear reality.  All we know is that the two of us are the same, but different, for some reason you had to be left behind in a hole of a million sorrows. 

I stand here outside in the brightness of day, with truth and honesty, reality and kindness. I know why you did what you did, for you didn’t have another way.

If I had to wish a wish for you, it would be this, “I wish you love, peace and joy, a Heaven of bliss”.

It is because of you, I am who I am. 

Ironically we were both motherless yours died when you were two.

You had no one to show you the way. 

 As a mother I know it would bring me great peace to know that my life was for naught.

Yours was not, for you gave birth to me.

If only I could return the favor and lead you out free, but it doesn’t seem to be the way of it for now.

I leave you knowing where you are, and I wish you peace.

God’s Peace.

 

 

 

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bjukuri

Responses

  1. amy byrne Avatar
    amy byrne

    Wow!!! Pretty amazing! 🙂

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  2. I M Perfect Avatar
    I M Perfect

    It is horrifyingly beautiful. And it took me 3 years to get to that place and I still believe it today.
    And knowing that she unintentionally hurts those she loves, I stay away, so as to not add to the long list of hurts dealt to me. I am one less child to hurt.
    Yet, when she comes in, the child in my has to speak as well, has to respond…and understand. And I do. On the blog. I have sent her one letter in 7 years. One letter telling her to keep her relationship with my girls separate from hers and mine. To NOT put my children in the middle, Ever. It isn’t fair. She asked my youngest daughter for a picture of me. (She had just gotten new ones of the other 5 daughters, and wanted a new one of me. Didn’t ask me, but asked my daughter) And my daughter knew what my answer would be and was caught in a place of having to disappoint one of us. I told her not to worry, that I would write my mother and I did.
    I wrote to spare my daughter the grief of having to deal in the middle.
    When you have someone in your life that is in the dark like my mother, the best you can do is stay away….and I do. Silence and space is the best I can do….for it stops her from hurting at least one more person.
    If she can’t help herself, I help her by staying away.

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  3. amy byrne Avatar
    amy byrne

    I see that. Staying away is not only better for you, but her as well. It’s not so much about teaching her anything. Although, it may do that. But its not up to you to show her the way. You do it for you first and it helps her secondly. Whether she ever sees it or not. It’s hers to do what she will with the silence and distance and lack of relationship. It makes sense to me. It takes a strong and courageous person to be able to do that…to step away. For yourself and her. And the rest of your family too, I’m assuming.

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  4. I M Perfect Avatar
    I M Perfect

    I am not sure I had a choice…I was able to see so much and also the way patterns were repeated and how my family seemed to be stuck in the pattern of abuse.
    And only those who can see the pattern forming in them or how it actually works, are able to make better choices.
    For sure they are not easy choices, but they are choices that will offer to my children a new legacy. They will know how to act when abuse comes knocking. They will know how to stand tall and face whatever they have to face.
    I could see the choices I was making had an echo affect…they would be repeated by my children.
    Just as I followed my mother, my children would follow me.
    I had to walk differently.
    I didn’t have the courage or the strength, but each step brought me a bit of both.
    I could see my life from all sides.
    I could see a mother stuck in the dark praying for a child to make it. I made it.
    I could see me the child working like hell to make a new pattern by using her life as a guide and not do what she did, go the opposite instead.
    My children will have two patterns to follow….the old me or the new one.

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