There is a one two punch in following your feelings. The blow that you were right when you actually wanted to be proved wrong and secondly that your inner compass is spot on.
What people fail to appreciate is that I am not creating the truth that affirms me, they are acting on their own, by their own volition.
I am not putting words in mouths or fingers to keyboard, I am not manipulating them or their blog posts or the conditions of their blogs. They are doing this on their own free will.
I simply observe and respond.
My brother's blog, http://www.messyguru.typepad.com received a comment from Jim Torola that succinctly shows why I had to back away. The character assignation he delivered to my brother has no proof in reality. None.
I am not defending my brother, he does this well enough on his own, but I want the record to show if you will, that my actions were validated.
I can't know why Jim wrote what he wrote or where these ideas came from. All I can know, is that they don't ring true for me. He wasn't writing about the brother that I know.
Walking hand in hand with reality is often painful when you want a different outcome. But, I have learned that regardless of my wishes, reality marches on.
It seems one blog has erased all the past posts, but the last one.
Are we as good as our last word? Can you live without a past? Can you simply erase it like blog posts? Can you leave out the dark parts and focus up ahead? Is it possible to live life like you were born today?
My history is precious, each morsel and drop. Each ugly stain and scuff…is my journey. There is no word I would erase, no part I would remove, no person I would not have met, no lesson I would have missed.
Each and every thing I have said and done is me being me. Certainly there are places and very long stretches of me acting unconsciously…of presenting the perfect rendition of a person who is brainwashed. A confused lost abused person. I did that well.
I even did a great presentation of exiting out of a dysfunctional family while being dysfunctional. I was and am viewed as mental and crazy…certainly that can apply.
I no longer fit into what they call 'normal' and 'family'. I stand out, thankfully so. I no longer mesh with their mentalness.
But, erase a part or forget a moment, or live like I had no past….never. My past is what I had to overcome to become who I am today.
It was like all aspects of myself were taken away and I was set upon scavenger hunt to get them back. Finding a piece of my self here and there, a part of me lost in this belief and that desire.
If I had left my past behind and set out to form a completely new me, I would have left my soul behind. I would have skipped the hunt to find the real me.
It would have been leaving one nightmare to build a fantasy…a very similar tactic that an abused child uses. It wipes out the harsh reality and goes on to create a fantastical blog of kindness…while reality marches on.
This is exactly what I did as a child. My reality was too unkind, so I created a nice looking happy place for me to go to, not looking or recording the dark history…
And sadly, while I was busy in my new happy space, a pedophile was busy molesting little girls.
I no longer try to escape to a fantasy land and instead turn and head into that which is uncomfortable to face.
Photograph by Hannah Jukuri
I M Perfect lady 
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