I M Perfect lady

Family has been on my mind lately.  Perhaps it is family reunions, family trips – and now Father's Day.  

There are two opposing threads that are tangled in my mind.

Family and Estrangement.

They don't coexist together. Like water and oil they don't mix – yet they roll around in my mind.  The desire and longing – with the opposing feelings of wanting distance.

 

I can't think of family – without thinking of me being on the outside. And how the family circle continues to turn – appearing unscathed.

 

I almost feel like I was unaware of the path I was taking and what it really really really meant.  That standing up and against sexual abuse within the family meant – being on the outside – losing family members. 

I don't believe I would have ever dreamed this was possible. I would lose family.

 

What else I hadn't counted on – was that most of my family would respond differently than I.

 

I would never have dreamed – we'd all face the same reality and walk completely different with it – based on how we were raised – I would have thought we'd respond the same. 

Just as we sorta lived the same. 

And, for the most part they did respond the same – except me.

 

There is one brother who is an anomaly – he walked for awhile on my path and then turned around and headed back.  This is partly what stirs my mind and thoughts.

Who was he all along?

Who was I talking to?

What was and are his truths.

How can he fit in both camps – when there is no common denominator between these two paths?

An outlier among outliers.

 

It is so interesting during crisis, we see parts of our families characters in a whole new light.  We perhaps get to know them for the first time.

 

Until we are put the test – our whole character is not revealed. I met myself for the first time – it broke my denial and showed me who was – and more it challenged me to dare stare at reality and than act accordingly.

 

It appeared to me – the choices were clear – stand with abuse or stand against it.  And I believe they stood with family or against family.  Which is different – they separated the abuse from the family.

I could not do that.  I wasn't able to separate my father from his abusive behaviors.

To me, each person came with their actions before their title – mom, dad, sibling.

 

It appears I was affected differently by the realization my father was a pedophile – I chose to stand against abuse. Even when family was entangled.  I see it as it is more important – not less. 

I am grateful I am on this path – it just comes with strange and complex musings.

 

 

In estrangement we have family that are strangers.

We have memories with strangers.

Family is a thing of the past.

 

I have a family on my branch of the tree – but the feelings of being part of where I came from now seems foreign to me – it has been so long.

My memories of family are tainted by my denial and the abuse.  It isn't even a normal family.  But, I felt that I belonged. I was part of – there was a connection.

Perhaps another mind game. For in the end the strength of my relationships were very weak. Broken with ease.

That too is shocking – in how quickly my family relationships crumbled – without a fight.

They'd say I didn't fight.

I'd say they didn't fight.

It was like our relationship was a tiny string not worth fighting for.

 

So as we sit at the eve of Father's Day – I have nothing when I search for father feelings. It was like I thought I had a dad, but it was just a mask hiding what was really beneath.

There are no holidays for masks.

 

It is almost as if, all I got left with was a pile of masks. 

Family relationships now appear fake – no substance to them, nothing worth fighting for.

I know there is a little girl inside of me – wishing it was different.

Wishing for the masks – yet knowing they are not real.

 

Estrangement is an odd place to live in. You long for what is not there. What was never there. 

 

What I also know, is that grief of losing your family origin – isn't made up for with having your own family.  It is a loss.  And in my case a huge loss – there are 14 of us plus parents.   And the extended families that flow from each – and each again.  The older I get the bigger the family grows – more strangers called family.

 

Yet sitting here. I am grateful.

I am at peace.

While my mind chews – and spins.  Not as often as before – but it does come back.  Again when family holidays present themselves.  We all automatically go to our family, our dad…. back to the complicated mess.

 

I can turn and refocus. And celebrate the real men who are fathers. Who love, care, an protect their child. Men worth celebrating and honoring.

If you have/had a loving father – I wonder how that feels in your heart?

To look back fondly on your history….

 

It is like I am afloat – looking toward the future – the past was too fake to keep.

I am grateful to witness my husband as a kind loving dad and grandpa.

My son-in-law a kind and loving dad.

It isn't the same as looking back longingly over years worth of history of loving a dad - 

But I can celebrate fathers on my branch of the family tree