Category: Art & Quilts

"Art is both therapy and tragedy. Somewhere in the mix lies hope for humanity. That is the foundation of our work … the intangible hope that pulls us toward some horizon we spend every day trying to explain, knowing that the landscape will change when we wake. Everything else occupies the space of comfortable distractions. We hope to never be comfortable."

~LoLa Visuals and 5th Estate Films

I found this on David Cowardin's business page….Lola Visuals.  No wonder he is the one to take my story.

Being uncomfortable is something hard to get used to.  Putting myself in new situations; like being filmed.

Well, being filmed would not be bad… it is discerning. 

Most worry about what they look like…hair, size and overall physical presentation.

Instead my concern is how I sound.  

Not my voices tone, but its content.

And it isn't the value of the message or its worth, but how it will be received.

I know I have a unique story; my art stems from therapy in tragedy.

It has been the balm that re-balances my life.

Soothing my rattled nerves.

I only had about a 3 day window from being asked to be part of this project "Call Me Mental", to sitting in a chair…facing the camera, and sharing Me.

My body has been clanging inside…the mixture of wild exhilaration of sharing my story, my art and my hope…only to be bracing for the onslought of redicule from my family of origin.

I am out of my comfort zone again.

The zone where you don't make waves.

When I am asked to be part of something that will help others, I say yes. 

My Lady leads the way; I follow.

I follow knowing the cost to my personal life and its affect upon my body.

Inside of me are two extreme opposite energies or emotions.  Love and Fear.

Love of sharing hope and encouragement in breaking the silence and to stand in the truth of who you are…and the fear of doing so.

I feel such great kindness and care, honor and respect from David as we film.

I feel a mixture of trepidation and excitement to see my story and art on film.

And I am bracing for the haters…while excited to see if my story can help others.

I have to withstand the negative in order to help even one person feel less alone, less mental and more hopeful.

My family has not supported any of what I have done; for in order to share my message, the family's secrets are laid bare.

I get it.

I just don't know how we can break the stigma of being sexual abused and to flip the role of the victim carrying the responsibility, unless one of us stands up.

I stand up in front of the camera, knowing I will be blasted from behind.

While I am seen by strangers and new friends, as a hero, someone who "kicks ass"…"an incredible woman"…I am also seen as one who wrecks our family.

Who 'enjoys' the trashing the family in public.

One who doesn't care about family…for I willingly throw ours under the bus.

I willingly offer our dysfunction to be dissected by the public.

Is there any other way to break the silence without breaking the silence?

I also will second my brother's invite, "Speak now or forever hold your peace!"

Challenge me.

Correct me where I am wrong.

Step forth and show the public how mental I am!

Sit where I have sat and bear your soul.

Share what you have to teach, your message of hope and healing…your experience of being a child of a pedophile; the mic is open.

It is Open Mic on "Call Me Mental".

 

 

 

Day two of filming "Call Me Mental" 

It is hard to articulate the process for it is Art in the making…and you are just a piece of a bigger picture…and yet how you present yourself will add or take away from the project.  It truly is an audition and bringing the right and perfect content that is needed to inform, inspire and push the envelope…to start a social change as this documentary explores the stigma of mental illness.

Can you explain and share your mental illness clearly?  Will it leave the viewer more hopeful and normal in their illness?  

For I see myself as being a normal person who was put in abnormal situations and the effect that had on my life.  And, then the process of recovering my self from the affects…if you will.

David Cowardin is simply the perfect person for letting us share our stories.

These are not typical stories. They are our wounds and greatest pains.  He handles them and us, with the open space of gentle kindness while doing Art.

He adjusts lights and cameras while we are pouring out our souls.

He asks questions with kind eyes and a soul willing to hear.

 What is so weird and surreal we are creating wonderful art from tragedy; if you will. Look at our smiling faces…you can feel our bond of good energy. 

He and his partner are going into our darkness with bright lights.  

We are bringing Light to an segment of society that has been kept in the dark….our secrets and the places to seek help.  

I simple love that my quilts are in Copper Country Mental Health, and we are doing a film, "Call Me Mental" and bringing brightness….into what wounds us.

Willing to display your wounds on camera, as well as what was helpful in healing them…will help others find their way.  Or so is my hope.

Last night was a bit easier for me, for it was explaining the quilts.  To re-visit each one and feel what they saying…what part of my journey did they capture.

I once again felt the awe of what came forth in each quilt.  I feel the magic of the story and how my subconsciousness was revealed.  I am viewing my art like I wasn't there making it!

And to top the evening off, my brother and I were connected via Skype.

Bringing him into my episode…for we have shared a very unique experience…as siblings, friends and partners in recovering after abuse.

There are not enough words to express the delicate place we were both in…him trusting me and me having the courage to use truth and reality…

Using all I had to offer…freedom and reality.

He gave me the books and authors that I used to help me help him.

The yoga too he shared with me.

He was my first and is my most ardent cheerleader.

Thank you Carl for giving me all of you!  

 

First day of filming done….and actually David was here for the morning.  He was wonderful wonderful!  Kind, curious, attentive and very creative, quiet, responsive, and open.  The perfect photojournalist for me!  Thanks Chad Johnson for connecting us!

He wanted a quilt to be my backdrop, and this is the only one that was completed enough to do the trick.  This photo is blurry, but you get the idea of the stage he created!

There were three very bright lights focused on me.  Once I seen all the equipment, it almost had me nervous…like this is real, we are going "live".  Lights, Camera…and action!  I was the object…how will my story land.  

David was very good at keeping the flow going, or so it seemed.  Neither of us worked from a script or scripted notes, just me being me and David intently listening capturing the gist of my story.

He took one hour of video in the "interview" type setting…then the Sunshine came into the livingroom and played with the lighting…too distracting but a great invite for us to go outside!

I choose to dress like I usually do on my Sundays at home. I felt relaxed and myself and it assisted with calming me. I was Me being Me!

He took video of me walking outside…for this was a very important part of my recovery; to be with nature.

We then took footage of my quilting space and of me quilting.  He is as creative with his camera…just like an Artist.  Paying attention to details…to weave the story together.

He asked if I had a white piece of fabric that we could write the words "Call Me Mental"….and that inspired me to create a quilt that will be in my episode.  I choose one of my hand-dye fabrics as the background and then used the white and black fabrics for the words….and I added My Lady!

What a fun way to honor the documentary…with a quilt!

I love the word play of Call Me Mental, if you must… and I will call me whatever I feel!  

The uneven border is because the handstitching isn't done…but I wanted to put this on the blog…celebrating the first day of filming my episode for "Call Me Mental".

Thanks again Dave for being you…and for taking such good care of me and my story and for treating it as it is….a wound of childhood that reverberated out for years…creating a survival self. And, my journey to find the real me!  Call Me Mental, but I am just revealing all of who I am and how I came to be…

More to come…at 5pm tomorrow Dave will be back behind the camera and My Lady will be in front!

In the past few days, from a variety of people and experiences, I have witnessed the word "Worry" in action.  I had to see what the true meaning of the word is.

"Worry"

- give way to anxiety or unease; allow one's mind to dwell on difficulty or troubles….

-(of a dog or other carnivorous animal) tear at, gnaw on, or drag around with the teeth.

-a state of anxiety and uncertainty over actual or potential problems.

What I didn't know was that it was to be with one's anxiety, but I somehow felt that worry was constructive in that it showed feelings about the other person; like the more you worried, the more you cared.  

I lost my worry skills…once I began to truly understand the power of the Universe AND the Free Will of others, and just how much of what I worried about wasn't within my power to change.  My anxiety used to be that I believed I was in control and it was up to me to change…life. Reality. Things I didn't like, or want to experience.  I worried.

What I didn't know is that swam in anxiety…believing I was caring.

I have come to learn, as Byron Katie says, "It is not my time to suffer"…and it is not helpful to bring anxiety to a stressful situation, but positive constructive attention.  

I don't know what is coming.

Who I will watch suffer or how much I will suffer….but it is my intention to not give way to anxiety, but to seek ways in which to learn how to manage myself in different situations and remain present AND accepting to what is.

I believe, that the greatest source of anxiety is wanting things to be different.

In doing my latest quilt, I was feeling that I wanted a lady to be relaxed and comfortable in love.

When she wouldn't do this, I then realized that real love is to be standing strong and doing things that are not comfortable.  To grow as a person and in relationships you will be asked to do many things that are not comfortable.

Even to stand up for your feelings, your goals and dreams, to stand in integrity, you will not be comfortable, for many will try and knock you off the stand of you.

What I have been learning these last many years is that being unique, speaking your truth and standing up for the love of self, is one of the most uncomfortable things to do….especially if you have been living an inauthentic life.  If you have been saying and doing things that are not the truth for you.  

My worries have literally fallen to zero…the more authentic I have been living and the more I realized that we are all individuals on our own human journey with the Free Will of the Universe…that each of us have our own worlds to live in.

When I gave myself the freedom to be me…I gave the others to the freedom to be them.

I can't want someone to be healthier than they want to be. I can't step in front of the Universe and change reality.  I can only manage my world in this present moment doing my authentic truths.

Worry isn't love….it is anxiety.

Love is uncomfortable until you are comfortable being you.