I M Perfect lady

Category: Art & Quilts

  • Rebroadcasting the Old.

    When I see my story as a quilt, or my quilts as how I lived my life, (does art imitate life or does life imitate art?) I see the magical synchronicity that arose to greet me as I changed on the inside….while living life.

    It is to start your role in life as a caterpillar and change into a butterfly adapting the new features onto the same platform.

    I believe we all are born unlabeled and quickly they are added to us and we then believe this is who we are.  I also believe that when you are sexually abused within your family, these labels have a double twist or perhaps two sets of labels.

    To get down to your real self, you have to first see your family in their true colors and often this hurdle alone is enough to keep folks from doing any self exploratory exercises and or doing things that will remove the labels. 

    The labels are covering more than the essential self or soul, but they are also there to cover up abuse.

    It is to swim through hell in order to finally be free to be you.

    I think what is so remarkable about my journey, is that I was able to rip off a label while exploring my new self and using Art as a way to keep my balance; for I felt comfortable and secure while quilting.

    I was terrified of the consequences of losing who I was, how I engaged, what I said, how I felt…and more importantly how would my inner change rock my outer world.

    And then, would I change so much that I would no longer fit into old relationships.

    As the new awareness movement arises and they are asking folks to shed their old labels and beliefs and to view life from a new angle, they are unwittingly asking many to dive into a hell hole they themselves didn't know existed and if they knew, have worked to skirt around.

    It is all good and well to ask someone to be here now…to accept what is, when it doesn't carry the vestiges of abuse.  

    Most think it is the pain of being abused.

    It is the pain of a past not being what it is.

    And, then…you not being who you thought you were.

    AND, you have a whole life built upon a false premise.

    Now what?

    Be here now???  In a life that doesn't come close to matching reality or a reality that is too terrifying to know.

    Perhaps the tools we all need is to to let go and grasp on….and to maintain something that will transcend both lives….Like Art.

    Or, whatever your passion is.

    For, I believe that your passion is your true self, the one beneath the labels and the beliefs and stories you were given in the years after your birth; it goes beyond the social titles we need in order to organize our world.

    It is as Richard Rohr spoke of on Super Soul; that we need to embrace, not only our soul, but our physical body and life as well. 

    I wonder if a holistic living is to embrace all of who we are and not segment out things that steal your peace.

    Richard also said that he believes that the soul grows with pain and suffering or on negative experiences.  I agree.

    I never even knew I had a soul, let alone was connected to it, until everything I thought I was was torn away.  And, all that was left was a sense of something I had never encountered…a Me that appeared to live brilliantly despite what my physical body and the life experiences I had endured.

    The symbol of the cross is what I was forced to live and what in the end served me well. 

    "Crosses symbolize spirituality and healing. The four points of a cross represent self, nature, wisdom, and higher power or being. Crosses suggest transition, balance, faith, unity, temperance, hope, and life. They represent relationships and and a need for connection to something." 

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    And, what I know for sure, what you don't transform, you do transmit….as Richard shared.  

    This I believe was my greatest fear; that IF I wasn't able to change enough, I would transmit the legacy of my abuse unto the next generation…

    We are either transmitting a new signal or rebroadcasting the old.

  • The Dance Between My Lady and I…

    I went to look for The Artist Way to post creative ideas for WIND's 100 Day Project…and I happened upon my "Morning Pages Journal".  My brother had sent me both the book and the journal.  And, I began with much eagerness….in 2004

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    On the fourth day I stopped.  

    My world tilted upside down.

    A week later I wrote…

    "I have been gone a week and a half.  In that time I was shown real insanity. How you only have the window of the Soul, that is all that is real.  The rest is insanity and an illusion."

    The next entry was December 28th…"Lots has happened. My mom left my dad, for he was a monster, I always knew deep within. He hurt many souls, mine included. I feel a void for he never was there for any of us. My mom built him up to what she wanted. What I need is the truth of all.  Just the truth.  It really does set you free."

    "It will be a happier, lighter future for sure.  A better soul moves forward. Truth is my guide. Love, Joy and Peace are all I need. I will find it in all I do, and all I meet."

    What I have noticed as I am reading my words from 10 years ago is how I would speak of the reality that I had denied and how I also look ahead.

    I balanced between figuring out the past and stepping into an unknown future with intentions to follow my truth.

    The Morning Pages were not to be a journal per say, but rather me writing for three pages. Often there is no date to signify another day. But, I can usually tell by the writing.  I start out with very neat….and then it grows and gets larger and messy. I typically end on a positive note…as how I am doing "As I sit here today" and what I will focus on.  

    From early January

    "So what is the lesson today – To live in the Now being truthful to me. Let my feelings show and be heard…. My biggest work is to tend to me in spite of all their needs. To tend to me first – love me enough to keep me first. They will all find their way. A new better way is what I will have. Less stress – less friction. I will accept that me and my family are on our own journeys. We will honor each others journey. We will honor each others space."

    "As I begin today I will take my space and give or allow them theirs. Within our own space we bloom. My peace. My quiet. I love my children enough to give them their space. I love my husband enough to give him space. Be in your space – Be you! Be first!"

    The next day I write about my quilts.  "Yesterday was a success creatively – almost three backgrounds and borders.  Now I get to add intention – meaning or the  "Sutra" to them "A stitch to the soul" to help express or heal. Then when I do the machine quilting I will add words of wisdom add to the picture meaning. It is all good."

    And Julia Cameron has quotes on these lined pages….the one on this page read "As frightening and abusive as life with a crazy maker is, we find it far less threatening than the challenge of a creative life of our own."

    I also marvel at how I continued to mother and be a wife while my world is completely upside down and I have no clue of who I am….and how I keep the writing so about me…and how I continue to create…weeks after my world upends itself.  

    And there are moments when I am floundering and it reads that way.  When I am seeking alternate methods of connections. Angels were big for me. I believed they surrounded me and helped me. 

    I have to wonder when you are broken down what feels comforting…and are we more in tune or seeking and grasping at straws…anything to hold on or believe in; when all we believed is no more.

    I am glad to have these early journals…and to see me in my writing back then.

    The confusion is there.

    The anger and resentment.

    My hard line on truth.

    The unknowing of myself.

    The exploring.

    And creating.

    How as I changed, my mothering changed…my relationship with my husband changed….slowly I bloomed where I had granted me space.

    Here is today's Sutra – Stitch to the soul!

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    My saving grace was, and is, my love for playing with fabric, for the emergence of "My Lady" for she indeed grew as I grew….bolder, more playful and free!

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    While I recognize the woman who wrote those words…it is hard to imagine being her.  Being so small in Self- awareness or self -love or self- knowing who she was. But I love her courage to change herself mid-stream in her life.

    It is like the story is going and the main character changes their identity; yet the identity is unknown to her.

    Again, hard to articulate but your life doesn't change, just you do.

    I was, and am….a work of Art in progress!  It is to be the painting and the painter…and yet the background moves and changes…and your identity or character is defined by how you dance.

    It is SO like my quilts.  I lay the background down….and they are often quite similar, but the ladies change.

    I can't imagine the past 10 years without my Art.

    My therapy and therapist all in one!  I, the patient and the therapist; moving from role to role.

    "If you stumble make it part of the Dance!"

    The dance between my Lady and I!

     

     

     

  • Symbolize Spirituality and Healing…to me!

    While I was playing with symbols and Zentangle, it crossed my mind to do a cross.

    Yet it symbolism has images and religious attachments that almost have me adverse to crosses.  They just were not happy, joyful or kind in how they are depicted in religion.

    Before I actually went ahead, I looked up different meanings of the cross….

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    "Crosses symbolize spirituality and healing. The four points of a cross represent self, nature, wisdom, and higher power or being. Crosses suggest transition, balance, faith, unity, temperance, hope, and life. They represent relationships and and a need for connection to something."

    That is what the cross means to me.

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    I had fun adding color and design to the background.  

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     "The symbolism of the Celtic cross (especially the equal-armed cross in which each protrusion is equidistant from the center) is indicative of the human desire to know and experience the unfolding mystery of life. We could say that mystery unfolds in a four-fold pattern in which the arms of the cross offer four ways to ascension, an invitation to objectively know Self, Nature, Wisdom and God."

    Perhaps after working on this cross, I will come to see Crosses in a new light.

    Each of us will hold the meaning that means something to you.  

    My crosses symbolize spirituality and healing…to me!

     

  • Thankful for Art!

    Thanksgiving Day, minus the food and family, equals a day of sewing.  Since we celebrated a few weeks ago, it was just a day like any other when I am not working.

    A day of playing with fabric! 

    This one is complete!  And I loved the whole process! 

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    Nature once again decorated Itself for me.

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    It is fun trying to find the perfect backdrop…I see things in nature I might otherwise not notice. 

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    There were red berries, but hard to get both the berries and the quilt….

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    And, I had an idea to bring out a few ornaments to hang in the trees.  I may try and do more photos later, for this one may have a buyer already….and will be gone soon.

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    Not sure about a name….for this quilt.  It could be "Deck the Halls…" I may have to listen to christmas music to see if a line will match this quilt!

    I am thankful for Art!

     

     

  • Energy Within!

    In the past few days I have been sitting with the struggle we have with speaking out about sexual abuse, whether you are the victim or a by-stander, and have pulled on many strings to see if I can find a clearer understanding; perhaps the root primary holdout that keeps our voices quiet.

    As I wrote many drafts one thing arose…Family Crimes.

    Is it possible that it isn't the crime that is so hard to talk about; but family behaving poorly.

    And, it isn't the behaving poorly that isn't talked about…but FAMILY in a negative way.

    "If you don't have anything nice to say, say Nothing", was my mother's admonishment to us.  And, I believe, it has been a social nicety as well.

    That somehow by speaking of another's wrong doing, we ourselves become wrong.

    Along with the churches belief, that in speaking of another's sin, we sin.

    And these are from the 'innocent' bystanders…not to mention the threats we pick up from the abusers, to keep this a secret.  

    I feel there is an inner blocking system that impedes most of us from wanting to be on the front lines exposing anothers bad behavior.  

    We will talk negatively about others, but typically behind closed doors and would be mortified IF someone heard.  And, this is often called gossip.

    These subtle social manners that reflect bad behavior back on us IF we speak out, has us feeling guilty when we do AND feeling wrong, bad, dirty etc.

    Not to mention speaking poorly about family.

    Which is a whole other territory of NO.  

    Not only no, but hell no.  

    You don't ever speak negatively about family.  

    Family has and will always be held in a special category that is way above reproach.

    When we have these ground rules in place that are upheld and supported by so many institutions, and we hear and feel its power from the time we are little, it takes a huge amount of courage to speak up and stand against it.

    It is this Centrifugal Force that keeps us quiet…and away from the truth.

    I had to go and look up the definition of Centrifugal Force.

    "An object traveling in a circle behaves as if it is experiencing an outward force. This force, known as the centrifugal force, depends on the mass of the object, the speed of rotation, and the distance from the center. The more massive the object, the greater the force; the greater the speed of the object, the greater the force; and the greater the distance from the center, the greater the force. 

    It is important to note that the centrifugal force does not actually exist. We feel it, because we are in a non-inertial coordinate system. Nevertheless, it appears quite real to the object being rotated. This is because the object believes that it is in a non-accelerating situation, when in fact it is not. For instance, a child on a merry-go-round is not experiencing any real force outward, but he/she must exert a force to keep from flying off the merry-go-round. Because the centrifugal force appears so real, it is often very useful to use as if it were real. The more massive the object, the greater the force. We know that this is true because an adult will have a harder time staying on a merry-go-round than a child will. The greater the speed of rotation, the greater the outward force. We know that this is true because a merry-go-round is harder to stay on, the faster it rotates. If you move further out on the merry-go-round, you will have to exert a greater force to stay on. In order to stay on a circular path, we must exert a force towards the center called centripetal (or "center-seeking") force. Consider a rope with a ball on the end. You can swirl the ball around in a circle over your head while holding onto the rope. The ball experiences the so-called centrifugal force, and it is the rope that provides the force to keep in moving in the circle."

     

    Is it possible that we create this centrifugal force within families?  "The bigger the more massive the object the greater the force"….group energy.

    Or perhaps is it insane to believe there is not a centrifugal force that we are up against.  Is it not true of society, of smaller groups, and of institutions…that they all hold a special force that pulls us in or repells us?

    Either you are close to their core belief or you are struggling to hold on.

    Perhaps what will define us and free us to speak out, is what merry-go-round you are on.

    And, how close you are to the center.

    Just interesting to feel the power of this centrifugal force that takes inert objects and moves them.

    Reporting family crimes is to try and stop the merry-go-round while struggling to hang on…and to stop it and not destroy the enery force that makes the family go round.  Impossible.

    All groups and institutions have a center core; a moral code and belief system and it spins.  Going against its core is tough.

    Perhaps what makes society inert and silent, is they feel this force and are not willing to struggle against it or be pushed to the edges where it will be harder to be a part of the group.  They don't want to challenge their status quo.

    When life is spinning in a good direction who wants to stop the ride?

    Staying close to the center; being a good daughter is far better than being insubordinate…

    But know what kind of ride you are on….is it a force for good or evil?

    And, are you an inert object that is just going along for the ride?

    Where is your power?

    Family crimes is a merry-go-round that creates a vortex that is very difficult to go against.

    However, the more of us who set this pattern into the Universe, the easier it will be…

    Let's spin new energies of self-love, peace and joy!

    Art has helped me re-calibrate a new energy within!

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     An object traveling in a circle behaves as if it is experiencing an outward force…

  • What gives you life?

    "What gives you life?" asked Barbara Brown Taylor.

    What a great question!  

    Or, what makes you feel lifeless?

    What does your soul need?

    What are you thirsty or hungry for?

    On Sunday morning I was down sewing and I could not get the 'tension' correct, so I quit. As I looked up I saw sunshine and dark clouds…and I couldn't get outside fast enough.  In my pajamas with boots and coat, I grabbed a few Winter quilts and hurried outside.

    It grabbed my breath away!

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    The contrasts were spectacular!  Everywhich way I turned, another sight stole another breath.  "Oh My God" I said…over and over!

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    I had a few quilts under my arm, and there were muliple brilliant nature backdrops for which they could rest.  I was overwhelmed and infused with energy.

    Perhaps the reason the tension was off, was to get me outside.  No mistake…

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    I was overjoyed at the set up that nature had created overnight.

    I had intentions of just putting the quilts on the barn, but the woods called to me.

    The section was where we pile burnable stuff, like a refuse….and through it I trod.

    Animals had cut paths so, it was easy to navigate through the thicket.

    It was an opportunity of a lifetime…the correct sky, the right amount of snow, the trees decorated…time of day etc…and, I said yes when I seen just a glimpse through my small basement window. I went outside to see Nature's Art.

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    Seeing the barn from the burn pile side was incredible.  Sometimes all it takes is to look at something from another angle.  

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    The sunshine was behind the quilt that has sunshine behind her. I would see the double image.  One on my quilt and one as I walked around being the real life lady in nature's quilt.

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    I often have blasts of sunshine behind My Lady…a great energy source.

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    What an incredible feeling…where I, nature and my Art are all playing together in perfect harmony.

    This is what gives me life.

    It is a reminder how small I am and how large is the Universe and how we are always in sync with each other.

    Sometimes it is brilliance of a Perfect Sunday Morning…or when you find the correct  wrong definition and your life makes sense.

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    Nature…and your life are waiting to hear…."What gives you life?"

  • When you feel it!

    When asked, "What would you say to your younger self", Elizabeth Gilbert replied, "Nothing…for she would not have listened."  

    I love this.

    I love it because, it isn't the words of wisdom that are available, but our inner desire to hear them…let alone abide by them.

    This frees me from the question I was asked. "What could someone have said to you, when you were in denial?"

    The answer there too is nothing.

    It isn't that we as a society lack the correct language, we fail to recognize that the awakening or the dawning comes from inside, when the time is right.  When the perfect storm, if you will, is set up.  

    When our inner worlds can no longer hold out against the truth.

    It wasn't my neices words alone that broke me open, but rather the feelings of discontent and deep sorrow inside of me…the doubting and restlessness about my life.  I was looking or seeking 'something'.  I just didn't know what.  

    We awaken to our truth when the timing is right…and it is divinely orchestrated. 

    There is nothing we can do to set up and in place all the different pieces for a breakdown of denial to happen.  

    And, when it does…I believe we have just a few moments to answer its call…or go deeper into denial.

    I can't say for sure if we all get the opportunity for our heroes journey, but mine began in 2004. I answered the call of my wounded child, the inner sense of self; my truth. 

    Following and being with your truth IS the heroes journey.

    It is personal…and it can't be prompted by the outside.

    Again everything in my world was perfectly set up for me…at the right and exact time.  Nothing was supposed to happen earlier…it was just the way of it.

    Once you fully embrace that our lives have no mistakes…that our heroes journey begins on time…you will see your life as a beautiful tapestry that makes you you.

    I love that I am free to be me and that it is not up to me to awaken anyone or to shove them on a reluctant journey…but rather live and let live.

    My heroes journey continues…it is up to me, as Elizabeth said…to use my pain and learn from it.  Don't let it be wasted all for nothing pain.  

    I too am happy with my life and my journey….and know when the pain comes again, which it surely will, that I again will grow and expand and learn.

    Elizabeth also said that if the change we sought happened without our efforts, it would make us weak.  I know she is right.  It is the tough changes that WE need to make that make us a powerful self.

    It is by walking through these changes that we grow into a hero.

    A hero for our inner child…our soul.

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    Answer the call of truth….when you feel it.

  • Never Been Before.

    My concept of WIND (Women In New Directions) was to energize and expand the inner landscape; in order to grow confident into new choices.  Choices that will change your life to reflect more and more your true essence.

    This week, I experienced three different meetings…based on WIND.

    Women of WIND helped to facilitate a collage workshop at Northern Lights Clubhouse.  I was able to witness the engaged energies and creative force from each individual.  The intense focus transported them into the project at hand…taking them into a space where expression is expressed via art…and it was more about being themselves, than it was about having to be something else to fit in.

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    I am not sure I will adequately be able to encapsulate the moving force that seems to be self energized when you bring yourself into the space of free creating…where no rules are present.

    The energy comes from inside.

    Busting through the gates society has placed on 'normal' or 'good enough' and to allow the Art to silence the familiar blocks.

    My second meeting was WIND itself…where we are comfortable with each other and at trying new things together.  Within the group I have seen personalities expand as we meet twice monthly and have lost lots of the insecurities while creating. We have come to learn to be secure as beginners. IMG_2910

    The third meeting was my Art Quilt Meeting, which was the impetus for creating WIND…it was the model I have aspired to re-create.

    I entered that meeting tired…empty and wasn't even sure if I was going to attend, until 20 minutes before it started.  

    What I experienced was the way you are literally changed by being around creativity and folks who are daring to express themselves in Art.

    It isn't about perfect art form.

    It isn't about the end results.

    It is about the space that is open for self expression; minus all rules.

    It is about seeing something from nothing.

    Meaning art that comes without a pattern.

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    There is hope, inspiration and generalized courage to be different, unique and yourself!

    In the aftermath of the Art Quilt Group, I was so UP and energized I did not sleep well.  My mind was running with ideas…

    What I know to be true, in my experience…is that creative expression changes your inner world.  It takes the vacuum like space and fills it with wild multifaceted colorful energy that begs to be expressed.

    It takes you out of routine and dares you to dance with new confidence and courage, to throw caution to the wind and take new chances…perhaps finding a new direction!

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    Not only was I part of a new group to WIND, but WIND and then the Original group which inspired WIND and I felt personally the lift in my inner energy. WIND will take you to places you have never been before!

  • Reverence

     

    I named this quilt "Reverence" and here are the words that I wrote about this quilt.

    "I stand in reverence of my old self…it wasn't an easy life to live so shut down, choiceless and voiceless…to keep my truth from pouring out.  To live disconnected not only from her self but the Universe, feelings and emotions..and Love.  A cold, empty life…broken but unable to know it….wounded and untreated; trying to be normal and even perfect.  An impossible task after abuse.  Her life was to keep the abuse from ever being known…once it was out, her life was over and My life began.  She was a pretend me. Survival me.  The person I had to live as in order to belong in my family. I understood she was born to save me from reality…and she died when I was able to see that which was too terrifying to see as a child….abuse.  A pedophile instead of a father and a mother buried in denial.   She was perfect coming from whence she came.  In order to grow into my Self, she had to die."

    I love this quilt in how it honors but buries the old me.

    Until you can understand that a life after abuse is to hide the abuse while displaying it, you can't fully appreciate the journey a person has to take to reclaim their life.

    A life that fully accepts and sees abuse and its affects while then transcending them by making new choices.  To do what feels like going against nature's force.

    A force field of fear and the only life you have ever known.

    It literally is to die in one life and be born in another while alive.

    I am in reverence for the hard life I lived and for what it took to die and be reborn.

    Abused folks are the perfect representation of abuse.  I M Perfect…and it is impossible not to be….perfectly Me…the old and new.

     

     

  • Matches their tune.

    When family functions arise, or when news of siblings enter into my world…I feel a phantom family take shape.  Its presence plays with my insides, messes with my head and questions who I am.

    I would have thought, that my resolve would have solidified by now, and that the nerve endings where the family used to be, would be long dead. Or, that I would not feel inclined to respond…and yet it is like a reflex reaction…before my mind remembers.

    And when I remember, I know that once again my lack of presence will not be understood, but ridiculed…belittled and demeaned, scoffed at as mental, insane, bitter and cold.  

    What I think I long for is family acceptance…and the pain I flinch from is to once again feel their rejection of me and my truths.

    Its almost like self-infliction…staying away and the barbs it reaps.

    Each of us both are moving away…being repelled by our beliefs and/or our truths…they simply can't co-exist.

    While I know many will fault me for not attending, few will see their own distaste for me and the truth.

    It is odd to walk as the truth and feel how many turn away…and yet blame the truth for its content and not their own lack of willingness to dance with it.

    The music I see my family playing is a repeat from histories long ago…the family tune…stuck on the same old song.

    There are perhaps some changes in people and ages and they have taken on new roles etc, but the music and words behind the gatherings echo our past. 

    All the negative points to me…while abuse attends the party unscathed.

    In the past few days, I have felt this heavy energy inside of me like a fog that seeps into my cells and fills me with hopelessness and at the same time acceptance…that no matter what I have done, the music plays on.  Playing my father's song.

    I carry the wrath that should be his…

    I am on the outside and abusers like him…on the inside.

    Today is my mother's 82nd Birthday…she too on the inside.

    Celebrated as Mom.

    Don't know what praises she will reap…how many will acknowledge her today.

    The band plays on.

    I stopped.

    Nothing else did.

    It takes time to find my peace inside again. To feel strong. To gather myself back…to know that even if they have changed nothing.  I have.

    I changed the music inside of me…and it no longer matches their tune.

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    Recalling the "Lady Bug Medicine"….I will dance the lady bug dance..fearlessly.

    "Ladybug's medicine includes carrying the golden strand that leads to the centre of the universe, past lives, spiritual enlightenment, death and rebirth, renewal, regeneration, fearlessness, protection, good luck, wishes being fulfilled, protection."