I M Perfect lady

Category: Crusade

  • Walk Alone

    My Thanksgiving thoughts fit better on this blog…they are more retrospective than looking ahead. 

    I feel thankful for all the deep dark days of sorrow…all the valleys where I was able to leave all the material matters to rest, and just dwell in the emotions…where my focus attached itself to my spirit, instead of looking outward at things.

    When your inner landscape collapses, the outside things mean nothing.  

    Without the devastation of my life…I would not have found my soul.

    I am thankful for the tragedy.

    I am thankful for all the people and things that failed me.

    I am thankful for having to reach deep within in me for me.

    I am thankful for my awareness, a rise in consciousness to see above or beyond my old beliefs.  

    I am thankful for leaping into uncharted waters and finding new steps.

    I am thankful for the strength it has taken to do so.

    I am thankful that in the darkest moments I found my connection to the Universe.

    I am thankful that I am aware of the dance between Him and I.

    I am thankful knowing He was there in the darkest moments showing me where I was not being authentic, where I had lost my truth and my hold on reality.  

    I am thankful that I know, I never walk alone.


  • From Here.

    This blog has been a great place for me to speak and to be heard.  Even if, just one person were to read it…I was heard.  

    This blog has offered me a place to talk about abuse, to say what I feel needed to be said, about family and church and how both played a crucial part in my abuse.  I feel that I have done my due diligence to be one who knew and said something.  It was my intention to expose what many would love to keep hidden…I did at 46, what some feel I should have done as a child.

    This blog has been a great sanctuary for my feelings, my confusions, my pain, and heartache…a place to release into the Universe the affects of abuse and my struggles to find a way to not repeat my family's legacy.

    This blog has been filled with huge affirmations, epiphanies, insights, clarity and knowing… A place where I could bring my angst and come away with answers.  I was the most surprised most often how the post would end.

    I didn't begin this blog with an agenda or a goal in mind.  It was just that I felt I wanted to share my journey, in hopes that someone out there would find comfort in knowing they were not alone.

    I wrote for myself, but always felt that maybe what I discovered, would help another.

    This post is number 1278.  Somedays I wrote two, but for the most part I have been writing on here for over 3 1/2 years.  That in itself seems incredible to me.

    I have thought of quitting the blog from time to time Or that I have come to the end of what I can possibly say about abuse and living with it's affects….and now I am thinking that day has come.

    I will not shut this blog down or delete it, I will let it be here.  I will come to it when I feel I have something to share…when it fits the subject about sexual abuse.  When my wounded self once again needs to explore and know what troubles it.

    What I aim to do is begin a second blog, "Imperfect Too".  

    I see Imperfect Too, being more about the creative expression…about my artwork and stretching and growing that.  I want to create a blog that will have inspiration of the Artful kind.  I want to work on marketing My Lady and her quilts and put her artwork on cards and canvases….letting her great energy move out into the world.  I want my daughters photographs to have a portal to pass through.  I want her and I to work on learning how to make a shopping cart, etc to become the power behind marketing our Art.

    I feel it is time now to change the focus in my life towards being more artful and less reflective. 

    Now, that I know fully who I am…I believe I can now be me.

    I feel that this blog holds who I am and how I became to be….and "Imperfect Too" will be about finding a way to express artfully Me. 

    Both the light and dark are who we are.  I have explored and dug and felt and purged the darkness for almost 8 years.  I have written to find me and now I will write as I try and live the artful free life of My Lady.

    "Imperfect Too"….will be My Lady and I…how we both grow forward.

    Just like my art quilts….I first create the background and then I add the lady…so too is my life.  My background is now firmly in place…who will I now be from here?


  • In Order to Live

    Here is a post from Facebook that I found intriguing and very familiar.

    "~Tina H

    How to Identify Being a Narcissistic Extension

    Narcissism is a complex and often misunderstood character disorder. Less attention has been paid to the person who supplies what the narcissistic need. This person is known as a narcissistic extension, and can suffer tremendous trauma and abuse while feeling blameworthy. It is a difficult dilemma to solve, and is often perpetuated in adult relationships when children have had narcissistic parents, and less so, parents who act as narcissistic extensions. This article discusses the role of the narcissistic extension, and its development, and how people who are narcissistic extensions, like narcissists, "see" what is not there, but, unlike narcissists, blame themselves for this, and the resulting relationship and familial problems.

    1.Know what narcissism really is. Narcissism is a character disorder which causes the narcissist to "look outward" for a view that will reflect him/her as wonderful. Rather than having good self-esteem, the narcissist lacks it, and feels empty, and therefore must gain his pseudo-"self-esteem" from external sources: family, friends, lovers, workmates and children. Success is measured by over-inflation of one's achievements, and by more concrete examples that seem to "prove" achievement: money; praise; status; promotion; being liked; being powerful; being overly nice, etc. Objectification of people mirrors their need to show themselves as having "objects" that conventionally define success. They desire the best and are perfectionists. Their perfectionism derives from their internal, sublimated sense of worthlessness, envy and shame. For the narcissist everything and everyone is, in essence, reduced to an object, and some work together quite usefully: i.e. a wealthy partner; a good physique in yourself or in another (partner). These objects are known as "supplies" which the narcissist feeds off and ultimately drains of their own self-worth. The definitive guide for the signs of sub-clinical narcissism is the Narcissistic Personality Inventory, which is a self report test but if you take it and think about your answers you will be able to apply those categories to others. The NPI is available online in many places (e.g. http://personality-testing.info/tests/NPI.php).
    2
    Analyze your behavior around the narcissist. Do you tend to pay more attention to their needs than to your own? Many people assume the role of a narcissistic extension, which means they are used, or allow themselves to be used, as a supply to keep the other person "on track", or in control, or feeling okay. Often the person who extends the narcissist does not recognise what is happening as the narcissist (unconsciously or consciously) uses strategies that trick the narcissistic extension into believing they have certain invaluable traits. Narcissists can be excessively loving, due to their need for a supply of love, but their needs outweigh any real love, and the extension is simply that, a part of the narcissist, not a full human being.
    3
    Think outside the box. Don't compare yourself to the stereotypical narcissistic extension; narcissistic extensions are not only trophy wives for well-paid executives. They are more often targeted by the narcissist for traits that the narcissist (possibly reflexively) realises he can manipulate. He thus always plays a game with his extension, turning them gradually from the beloved, elevated "person of their dreams" into an object who is debased, found wanting and "not good enough." That is because the extension can never fill the narcissist's ever-empty hole inside, and like an addiction, the narcissist's need to feel whole always requires more and more. Being a narcissistic extension does not necessarily mean boosting the narcissist's self-esteem, though it may include that. It might also involve being critical but engaged with the person. If there is withdrawal by the extension, the narcissist will panic and run.
    4
    Understand that the narcissist often makes use of some psychological games to get what they want. At the same time, they never succeed in their never-ending quest for new ways to prove to themselves they're worth something. Thus, sooner or later, new material acquisitions or new people (or both) become necessary especially at a time of insecurity, or work and/or family problems, and particularly if the extension stops playing his or her inculcated role. The narcissist finds it exceedingly easy to devalue one previously "adored" narcissistic extension, and replace him or her with someone he ranks higher. This ranking is not rational, as it is the thrill of the new and exciting that keeps him from feeling empty and addressing his own weaknesses. He would rather move on, and, in a way, that is good news for the narcissistic extension. Once that often kind and benign person has been dropped, often callously, cruelly, silent treatment, desertion, etc (contradicting the entire positive spin he used to trap his "victim"), the next one will inevitably fall into the trap.
    5
    Be careful and use your intuition. It is not easy to spot a narcissist, as mentioned, as they can equally be "Mr Nice Guy" as "Mr I am.' The signs are subtle, but one guiding rule is trust your immediate intuition, and do not believe his or her words; focus entirely on their actions.
    6
    Know that the narcissist can leave you at the very moment you stop making them feel important. No surprise when you know, but when you don't it is a huge and traumatic shock, he/she leaves, usually without warning or explanation, or with lies, and has another person waiting in the wings. If asked about their earlier professions of love/friendship, they'll shrug it off: "I meant it at the time." Just like they mean it this time; to a greater or lesser degree they really believe 'this is it! The perfect love which will complete me' but they are deluded. The narcissist's needs are insatiable and in time, this new extension will be dumped and replaced, just like all the others.
    7
    Be strong and patient with yourself. It often takes the person who has played the role of narcissistic extension some time to recover from the shock of being dumped. The narcissist may also go through a normal "bad patch" but cannot bear the feelings that arise, so he finds, easily enough, another to fill the place before he or she has a chance to feel empty. The narcissistic extension is in shock, and goes through the stages of grief. The poignant and problematical issue is that the narcissistic extension is grieving for what never was, and this means that it takes longer to get over the relationship. They have to miss out twice, in a sense, while the narcissist does not grieve, and just moves on, until, perhaps, one day, he exhausts all avenues and has to face himself, but, by now, he is metaphorically "unseen" and unknowable to his or her non-self.
    8
    Heal your wounds and rise again, liberated from that person's negative influence on you. The narcissistic extension does his or her grief work and the grief work of the narcissist, and then has to accept that the narcissist never cared about or loved them, as the narcissist simply substitutes them with "other supplies" for love, and the extension must come to terms with the fact that their life with that person was a lie. It is difficult and painful work but it is work that eventually enables growth and the reintegration of the extension as an "I," the antithesis of narcissistic and a person of true empathy and compassion. So, if you identify yourself playing this role, recognise it, do something, go through the harsh grief and recognition of the truth, and kn
    ow that you will be a happier and healthier person who knows they can and do love."  Tina H
    I wasn't familiar with the word narcissistic extension, but I was very familiar with this role. 

    It is no different than those who support alcoholics or drug addicts…enablers.
    I wasn't a bystander I was a narcissistic extension…and then I was grooming my children to become one too; for me.

    While many feel that abuse is an event, a moment in time, it is a complete lifestyle.  It is not something to forgive, forget and move on…it is something to unlearn…and to stop with how you interact with others.
     
    And in large families, there are huge supplies of narcissistic extensions….when when stops, another will quickly fill their shoes.  It matters not to the narcissistic who is doing this job, for they don't see you anyway, JUST WHAT YOU WILL DO FOR THEM.

    In seeing, feeling and knowing how I operated with my mother, I was able to stop expecting my children to act like I acted.  I was able to set them free…They are not an extension of me, they are their own person.

    They are free to chose and to live and to be as their souls dictate.  Their lives are not mine to live. 

    This disconnection, this separation was extremely hard on me for I was detaching from my mother and my children at the same time, and then finding a me that existed without doing or having someone define me.  I was being peeled on both sides while growing or finding me.

    The Narcissistic Extension is a huge affect of living in a dysfunctional home…you are not able to discern how to engage in relationships.  You have no self if you are not doing or having someone define you.  You by your self amounts to zero.
    It was wildly frightening to disconnect everyone, to unplug their responsibilities in defining me and to be motionless in caring for the needs of the narcissistic….to just be a separated unit….and to find love there…with just me.

    I still hear the rumblings of others wanting me to do something…to reconnect in some way….and all I want is for all to be separated and free.  

    Being a narcissistic extensions is to be a flea on a dogs back…you are at the mercy of the narcissistic always. And, ironically, the narcissistic is at the mercy of the extension.  Both are held prisoners of each other.  Both need the other in order to live. 


     

  • End abuse

    The greatest tragedy of abuse isn't that you were abused, but rather that you never get your self worth back, that somehow the seed that was planted of you being less, grows and flourishes; and you never know your innocence again.

    Having been abused wasn't what wrecked my life for 46 years, but rather that no one stepped in and said it wasn't okay…that my father was wrong.  In the absence of this, I grew up believin I WAS.

    Something was wrong with me, not that something wrong happened to me.

    It is this vast landscape of apathy and ignorance that feeds into the child's system, for no one is opposing their abusers.  Silence is for the benefit of the abuser, always.

    A comment was made to me by a Defender of the FALC in the Extoots blog, that not everyone has to be so public to be against abuse, and I agree.  My first steps were not public steps, but private ones.

    I stood up for myself against my family. This is where the real work is done.  I have been ridiculed by family members for this.  They do not believe that you have to separate from family in order to heal. 

    And, if I could have found a way to honor my body, mind and soul by staying with the ones who abused me, I would have. There didn't seem to be a way.

    The reason I believe that I was able to do this, was that my life no longer was easy…the discontent was building up between my mind, my body and my spirit…and I began stirring for my own voice, my own life…and it just so happened, that then is when the truth about my father entered into my life.

    I was given, I feel, a second chance to dance with abuse.  To either be silent again and to forgive and overlook this behavior and to allow another little girl to lose sight of her innocence.  

    The more folks sought to help and support him, the more lost the little girl gets…based on my experiences.  As a child, no adult dared to stand up and speak out in 'public' or in private about who my father was and how his actions affected their lives.  I did.

    I would do it all again…for my little girl, for my innocence and for any one out there looking for someone to see abuse…and not try and build up a story around it…making excuses and working to forgive and forget it.  For what they are forgetting is your innocence.

    My whole intention was to speak out from my point of view…to shed some light upon the actions of the past and the actions today.  The same Defender of the FALC, said that he doubts that today, the same shoving under the rug tactics are still being used by the members of the church.  

    Again, it isn't to outwardly report and to speak out in public, but to do the hardest steps of all.  Step away from the members of your family who are abusive.  To no longer associate with them.  

    I have had first hand knowledge of abuse from other families and the family unit stands strong. So, don't tell me, that abuse is being handled differently, it is not.

    Sure, there may be talk about abuse, about other people abusing other people, but silence about their own family secrets and certainly no action to step away from family of origin or relatives not to mention friends. And silence about their own story…

    But, I am hopeful the dialogue refuses to be quiet and there are stirrings and other folks becoming restless, a greater awareness and a higher level of consciousness is in the wind….we are learning that silence and forgiveness is not the answer to end abuse.



  • Parent’s False Image

    "I was not drawn to this quote because it helped me to understand narcissism or narcissistic behaviour but because it reminded me of how much I was willing to see myself as ‘the problem’ when I first began the healing process that I write about here in ‘emerging from broken’.  So many ‘victims’ of dysfunctional family systems or any type of abusive or one sided relationship see themselves as the one who might be the narcissist.  Narcissistic people groom their victims to always look at themselves and make every effort to avoid letting anyone look more closely at them.  They make sure the flashlight of self-examination is always firmly on the victim both from the view of the narcissist, AND from the view of the victim."  Darlene Ouimet – Emerging from Broken 

    It is interesting to read this and see myself as being 'the problem' and how many others point their fingers at me as well; leaving my parents actions and lives out of the spotlight, while they focus intently upon what I am doing or perhaps not doing with the family.

    Very interesting to note.

    I am a classic case of being a victim who is blamed while the narcissistic mother escapes the glaring light upon her.

    I can't tell you how many times she has been defended and her faults explained away and forgotten, while I am being subjected to treatment that should fall on either of them, but not me.

    Tell me why again I am the problem???

    The second part of this article that was so helpful was the equal value.  

    "Finally understanding what equal value is, was the most freeing and important concept that I learned in the process of emotional healing.  I was never treated or regarded with equal value and therefore I had never considered that I actually had it or even that it was an option ‘for me’.  I had to change this false belief. I found out how to repair my self-esteem and take my value back by finding out where and how it got broken and falsely defined as ‘less than,’ in the first place.  I had to see the truth about who the abuser actually was and what false messages that I had been given and that I accepted as the truth." Darlene Ouimet

    This disparaging viewpoint of self in comparison to others is the key source of remaining a victim.

    I completely agree that you will not see or feel your own self worth, until you first see and feel their truth.

    Until I had seen and felt the complete truth of my father being a pedophile and his treatment to me as well as feeling the lack of caring from my mother, was I able to see me.

    I know it seems counterintuitive, but you can't get your whole self back until you tear down your parents false image.

    We have a false image of our selves based upon the treatment our parents shown us…

    So many want to move on and forget about the treatment my parents issued us, to just let the past remain, the past, to go forward with the positive. You can try.  But what you are taking forward is their definition of you…not your own.

    Until you see who they truly are, you will not see who you truly are.

    While you see their false image, you will have a false image of self.

    What I hear most is their children protecting the images of the parents, and in doing so they are blocking their own value.

    In order to shine from the inside out, you have to see that which you are unwilling to see.

    I am grateful to have read this article for it shows an overview of how we get lost and then how we are found.

    I found my true self when I lost my parents false image.

  • Around My Little Girl

    "Being true to who we are means carrying our spirit like a candle in the center of our darkness." 

    "If we are to live without silencing or numbing essential parts of who we are, a vow must be invoked and upheld within oneself. The same commitments we pronounce when embarking on a marriage can be understood internally as a devotion to the care of one's soul: to have and to hold … for better or for worse … in sickness and in health … to love and to cherish, till death do us part."

    "This means staying committed to your inner path. This means not separating from yourself when things get tough or confusing. This means accepting and embracing your faults and limitations. It means loving yourself no matter how others see you. It means cherishing the unchangeable radiance that lives within you, no matter the cuts and bruises along the way. It means binding your life with a solemn pledge to the truth of your soul." 

    "It is interesting that the nautical definition of marry is “to join two ropes end to end by interweaving their strands.” To marry one's soul suggests that we interweave the life of our spirit with the life of our psychology; the life of our heart with the life of our mind; the life of our faith and truth with the life of our doubt and anxiety. And just as two ropes that are married create a tie that is twice as strong, when we marry our humanness to our spirit, we create a life that is doubly strong in the world." Mark Nepo

    I totally get this, how we have to weave our soul's passion and truth into our human experiences.  I don't even believe that I knew my soul, until my life fell completely apart.  

    When the truth shattered my world, it didn't shatter my soul…and it was hanging on to what I called my little girl or my innocence…that I began weaving the essence of me into each situation.  If it wasn't good for my little girl (my soul), I did not do it.  

    I love this line "If we are to live without silencing or numbing essential parts of who we are, a vow must be invoked and upheld within oneself."

    It was hard to start living at 46 without silencing or numbing the essential parts of who I was…and I vowed to myself, to always do what was right for me and my soul, no matter what. In doing this, it has made me strong beyond belief.

    I also, like how he suggests to "interweave the life of our spirit with the life of our psychology; the life of our heart with the life of our mind; the life of our faith and truth with the life of our doubt and anxiety."

    I believed that prior, I lived in shattered fragmented pieces, never letting myself be joined together; for often my mind and my heart were at odds; that I would do what I felt I had to do, but not what would bring me peace.

    There is complete freedom and strength when you can weave all parts of you together so there is no inner turmoil.  I wonder, if what creates so many mental illnesses is due to the inner discontent between our mind and spirit…or heart and psychology etc?

    When I began the task that has taken 8 years and counting to weave my self back together, I had to exit relationships that would cause a war inside of me…and being okay with it being disruptive outside of me.  Meaning family being upset with my line in the cement etc.  I had to have my inner peace at all costs…for, in the past, I had allowed my insides to be a total mess while trying to clean up the outside world and IT DIDN'T WORK. 

    You can't change someone on the outside to bring you peace inside.  

    The only real change that will give you last peace, love and joy, is to weave together all parts of you….your mind, body and soul.

    That is what they say Yoga does, it brings the mind back to the body.  And I see it as bringing the mind into reality, to see what is, so that the body can move inkind.

    It is so easy when you can clearly see reality and when you have given your body/mind and soul permission to live with the truth and not run from it or cover it up or work to change it etc.  But, to be a seeker of the truth in all things and knowing you will be able to handle what it will ask of you.

    Truth will ask to respond to what it sees.

    Somehow there is great peace for me to be with the truth no matter its ugliness or how painful it can be…it allows me to be in the flow of life weaved together with strength inside of me.

    I literally have watched and marveled at the way I have grown up inside by knowing it was important to have no strands of disagreement inside.  I would work up a solution that we could all agree on. If one part of me wasn't happy…it wasn't done.

    In the beginning, before I understood the total affects of abuse, I had to envision inside of me this little girl and if this little girl wouldn't be happy, I did not do what others wanted.  For, I could see clearly now, a part of me that I had dumped years worth of duty upon, neglecting her needs, her desires, her passions and her fears.

    I no longer could care to care about what others needed or thought about me.  My only concern was the little girl inside.

    And, as I mothered myself, I was weaving together all parts of me bringing us all forward in peace, love and joy.

    I can see how we can have parts of us who are left at the age of our abuse, how we parts of us get left behind. These wounded parts need to be brought forward….to be expressed and then honored.

    What I feel deeply, is that my little girl was abused by my father, and it would be dishonoring to her, to then 'forgive' and forget and move on and continue in a relationship with him.  I instead forgave by accepting that the past could not have been any different, and in doing so moved away from this hurtful man.

    I also could see my mother's hand in helping to keep abuse in our home, by her lack of being able to do any different.  I too, forgave this by accepting her limitations that she could be any different….and in honoring my little girl, kept her away from my mother.

    It was a struggle at times, for the little girl and her needs were not what I had driven my life by before. And most often they were in a direct opposition of what I had lived by before.  But, now I honored her and only her.

    I gave up the fourth commandment.  I gave up "unconditional" love and had conditions for my little girl inside.

    The line I drew was around my little girl.


  • Withers Love

    "There will be times in your life when you have to choose between being Loved and being Respected. Always pick being respected, that love without being respected is fleeting – but that respect can grow into real, lasting love."  Unknown

    It takes courage to hold on to respect and not settle for love in this moment of time, whose cost is your own respect.

    If love's cost is losing respect from self or others, it will fail you.  It will not be a lasting love, for I know love and respect come together; never is love without respect.

    Anyone who doesn't respect your boundaries, your goals, and your values…doesn't love you.  

    I had to look up Respect.

    Respect- "Admire (someone or something) deeply, as a result of their abilities, qualities, or achievements. To feel or show deferential regard for; esteem…To avoid violation of or interference with: respect the speed limit. "

    I hadn't seen the word respect as an action of seeing the other person and honoring who they are.  No wonder you can't have lasting love if you don't truly see and appreciate the qualities and achievements that make up who they are.

    The cold distance between love and abuse is the one simple word – RESPECT.

    Abuse doesn't see the other person…in fact they are in complete violation of respecting the other person.

    So, what seems like a small word not to worry about…it is big.  If you are not being respected or if you are asked to do something that is disrespectful of another, you are most likely being asked to take a stroll down a bumpy pathway into abuse in some form.

    Love always has respect.

    Love always sees you…love is never blind.

    Love doesn't come to you without respect for you in hand.

    Love respects who you are and how you feel.

    Abuse never has respect for you.  Abuse doesn't see you…only what you can do for them.  It sees what you give, but not the cost to you.

    Abuse lacks respect.

    Abuse is a selfish need and desire…it is controlling, manipulative and saturating…drowning out your needs so loudly by theirs.  

    Abuse never uses respect.

    Abuse will get their needs met at all costs…blind to the pain of others.  

    My father never respected me.  

    My mother never respected me.

    They did not see me and my life, only their own needs from me.

    They did not see the cost of their needs on me. 

    I didn't see the cost of pleasing them.  It cost me Me.

    In pleasing them I lost the respect of me.

    I lost seeing me.

    I lost my own value.

    When I stopped pleasing them, I began to grow respect for me.

    This is the crux where Alice Miller laments.  "Honor thy mother and thy Father…." commandment. For, it means to respect them at all costs.  And usually, the child will and does, and it results in losing our own sense of self…our own respect.

    In abusive homes, you can't respect both…The abusive parent and your self.

    And, if respect is to see, admire etc…how is it even possible to love an abusive parent?  How is possible to respect abuse and love the parent?

    I lost my respect for my parents.

    I then lost any love like feelings too.

    What I appreciate and admire is their shining examples of the cost of no respect in a loving relationship.  

    They have shown us the cost of no respect.

    My father did not respect my mother when he cheated.

    My father did not respect the little girls when he forced his sexual needs upon us.

    My mother did not respect him when she failed to see his negative actions.

    My mother did not respect herself enough to leave that relationship.

    My mother did not respect the children enough to take them away from him.

    For one small word, respect makes all the difference in the world.

    Respect will grow into a real and lasting love.

    No respect…withers love.



  • A silent partner.

    We have all heard about "letting go of the past" as a way to live a better future, but what does this actually mean and how do you make sure your past doesn't arrive in your future?

    First of all, we don't want to disregard ALL of the past, just the parts that don't fit comfortably in our daily lives. We want to pick and choose who comes into our future and who stays away…well, some will not say it is about who, but what.

    What or who is acceptable to bring forward and what or who gets left behind?

    Is it even possible to be a nit picker and just take the rainbows and smiles?

    What happens to the stuff we leave behind and how can we insure our lives so the 'unkind' reality doesn't arrive again and again?  What efforts are taken to make sure your future isn't littered with your past?

    What is the best insurance against having our negative arrive in our future?

    Too bad there isn't an insurance company for this…

    How will thinking positive about negative behaviors and family members who behave poorly insure a change in your future?  Is it possible to think away the negative…like the saying "pray away the Gay".

    Is it really just a mind game?

    Can I eliminate the negative thoughts and a person will now appear kinder, wiser and less hurtful?

    What I feel is the only insurance for a better future is to let the past go by letting go of relationships that hurt.

    Letting go of being involved with people who do hurtful things.

    Letting the past leave my life…so I don't repeat the same pattern tomorrow.

    There is a vast difference between thinking positive or acting positive; between accepting negative behaviors by not focusing on them, compared to literally not allowing negative behaviors.

    One is a mind game the other an action step. What will actually result in a future that is more positive?

    It is interesting to me how many feel that by talking only positive, it will change their future. Talk is cheap and it will not make a bit of difference.  It isn't enough.  Words are meaningless on getting rid of abuse.  It is the past of least resistance and it changes nothing.  ONLY perhaps the thought in your head.

    Your life will be the best indicator of change. You will literally experience what you have changed or what you have not.  You simply cannot get a new life by thinking differently without actions taken on your part.

    My mother's life is clearly a prime example of doing the same thing, BUT expecting a different result.  She was vigilant in watching for the pedophile's actions, but she was not even a bit vigilant with her response.

    She did the same thing for 49 years…hoping at some point her life would change for the better.  What she failed to appreciate was that she was the one keeping it the same, by doing the same over and over and over again.

    I still don't believe she was broken hearted about her abusive husband, but she was broken hearted about her husband who didn't love her. She failed to see beyond her needs…and failed to move beyond her thoughts.

    She let his past behavior go and go and go…into many future lives.

    Letting the past go, is like letting a harmful animal roam at will.

    It isn't the good times of the past that damage the future, but all the negative actions you let slip past you…while working hard to remain positive.

    I let the past go.  I stood firmly against abuse and all the actions that supported it.  I faced squarely the negative and let it go.

    I let the negative go, no matter who was wearing it.  

    You can't let the past go until you actually walk away.

    If you just think differently you walk hand in hand with a negative relationship.

    You are but a silent partner.

  • Reflect the truth

    What I didn't know was that I was unraveling as a narcissistic.  I was undoing all that wasn't real or the truth of who I was…I am so surprised I didn't know that I was a narcissistic person…when I was a narcisstic person.

    I didn't know this, for the reflection never told me so.

    No one ever told me who I was or how I was behaving, instead they told me what I wanted to hear, not what I needed to hear.

    And actually, I was in a tribe of people all doing the same.  No one ever said the real truth to me, instead behind my back the spoke differently. 

    As a person who relies on the reflection (people's opinions) it isn't helpful if the reflection says one thing to my face and another behind my back.

    What some call kindness or keeping family together is really keeping the narcissistic cycle going. No one speaks the truth to each other, instead they groom and clean the reflection.

    I have heard from various people the truth being spoken, but they also tell me that they will not say it to the person's face.  It is so interesting to see this now.

    How, in an abusive…dysfunctional family, we all are cleaning each other's reflections with lies and omissions….to keep each other 'looking good'.

    Families of Narcissistic doings.  

    What is so odd or not so odd, is that all know the real truth of who each other is, but will not tell the person to their face.  Instead they will polish up the reflection so the person feels good about themselves.

    I stopped wiping the looking glass….and said out loud, what other's whispered about.

    I will no longer pander to their needs of looking a certain way or being someone….

    I had to look up the word pander to see if I had that word right.  

    Pander – "A pander is someone who provides what is required to meet the ambitions or vices of another."

    Yes, I will no longer provide what is required to the reflection they want…and rather show them what is real.

    I am continually shocked by how much pandering is going on to keep images alive…and how I thought it was because they didn't know the truth.  No, they know the truth, but they also know in order to be with that person they need to keep their image sparkling clean.

    What also amazes me is EVEN IF THE TRUTH comes in, they will continue to shine the mirror…neglecting this new incoming information.

    It seems that the more of a narcissistic you are, the more you indulge others and keep their mirrors clean with lies….and lies of omission.  And some call this relating or being in a relationship.  

    Really?  A relationship with a false reflection.

    It was horrifying and liberating to lose my self image as well as the false reflections I called mom and dad.  

    Unraveling the narcissistic…was to uncover all the lies…about me and my relationships.

    I guess the reason you need to be a narcissistic is that you are wanting to be someone different or to hide the truth about someone.  It is the life of believing in reflections…in words that don't reflect the truth.





  • Filled with Joy

    More from Mary Pipher's book, "Seeking Peace"

    "With crises, some people dig deeper into their entrenched identities and hide in the pup tent of their old beliefs. Many people simply numb themselves with television or self-medicate with alcohol and drugs. Some people blame all their pain on others and never examine their own role in creating problems. Other sufferers shrink their worlds into something small and manageable but actually quite false. People with eating disorders are an example of this narrowing of scope. The questions of the day boil down to simply “Have I gained weight?”

    "For all people, regardless of the crisis, the cure is always growth.Looking back from the vantage point of five years, I understand that my winter of sorrow was a gift. As Parker Palmer said in an interview, “To move closer to God is to move closer to everything, both joy and sorrow, light and darkness.” We may experience post-traumatic stress reactions, but we are beginning a process of post-traumatic growth syndrome. Darkness and loss signal to us more clearly than anything else that it is time to expand our point of view."  

    What I love was the grouping of words, "Post Traumatic Growth Syndrome". We often hear about PTSD, but now how it can be the catalyst for growing up, if you are willing to face the pain…to sit with the emotions and feelings.

    And she further writes, "

    "I was captivated by the concept of mindfulness, which is described as a bird whose wings are compassion and awareness. I realized that my tendency to avoid confronting unpleasant reality had to do with my lack of compassion for myself. I couldn’t afford to look too closely at events or I might see my own imperfections. When I did that, I punished myself mercilessly. Then again, if I could learn to accept myself in all situations, I could afford to see clearly. I could learn to be honest and gentle."

    It is true, that when you can see the messy reality and not be afraid to see yourself as a mess and as dysfunctional as the dysfunction, you then can accept everything. I have found most people don't want to explore and examine the mess for they will see them selves in a light that is unattractive and very much imperfect.

    But, you can't expect to look at a dysfunctional past and only see the positive aspects of yourself.  IT is in seeing where you lacked awareness, reason and clear insight, that you find the answers. 

    She also wrote this…

    "One of the saddest things about despair is our attempt to deny it. To move toward our pain requires us to buck a well-tuned system of defenses. We repress, somatize, rationalize and avoid our own despair. Too often we give our deepest pain orders to march off a cliff, forgetting that this pain is our psyche’s way of encouraging us to take it easy and offer ourselves some compassion." Mary

    This I find is the first step….going toward the pain and letting our defenses down…and perhaps learning how to become compassionate to our wounds…instead of moving away, seeking 'only positive' aspects.

    To accomplish running from the past and all your inherited dyfunctional traits will not lead to a positive life.  You simply can't just think away the past…you have to literally go down to the depths and not hide in the pup tents of your beliefs.  

    It is the opposite of what your mind tells you.  It tells you that if you want a positive life, you have to steer wide and clear of all things negative and painful.  And, the opposite is true…you are just shrinking your world into something you can manage and calling it a 'positive life'.

    Oddly, the more you explore and examine you and your heritage and experiences, the more your world expands and the more aware you are and a bigger vantage point are you looking upon your world.

    Going into the pain is the doorway to a life filled with joy.