I M Perfect lady

Category: Crusade

  • Back to Me.

    ‎"The path spirals and takes time – it will take us a year – but it is comforting and nurturing. It can also be undertaken only one day at a time. Don't be afraid. We are not alone. Like pioneers on the trail, we will learn to live by our own lights and the stars of heaven, for that is all we need. There is no obstacle that true grit and Amazing Grace cannot overcome." Sarah B

    What I have discovered is the path towards healing from sexual abuse is quite long…it is actually as long as it is equal to the distance of living your own truth.

    I was way off the mark, a long way from center.  My whole perception of the world and self was skewed.

    And, the journey was taken by me and Amazing Grace.  Together, the right and perfect orchestration arose for me to see that which I hadn't seen. An unconscious part of me.  Or, I was put back into the perfect situation to express that which I hadn't expressed or felt.

    If you truly desire to change the direction of your path, you will be assisted by the whole power of the Universe.  

    I had books that would simply be set out in the library, that would answer a question that was plaguing me, I would cross paths with a person that shared with me their experience, events would arise and I would hear another person's story that echoed mine…all orchestrated for me.

    There were no mistakes in my past and none in my present…all represent who I am today.  Most challenges, while grueling, were to give back to me a part of me that was lost.  A part of me that was under the influence of others or things.  

    The path to self awareness or self empowerment, will be a slide show in real time…bringing up all the parts of your self that are not free.

    We think to our selves, that it would be a lofty spiritual goal to want enlightenment or to be fully aware….only to find out all the places we ARE NOT.

    It isn't for the faint of heart.  It will absolutely take true grit to get you to win back to your self the parts that you gave away out of survival or to be liked or to be loved.

    I began with very little that was solely me.  Most of me was tangle into lives and things and far out of my control. And, when I took me back, my world rattled.

    Most were not used to me being so self centered.  So intent on living life from my inside out…

    My truths were hard to hear and survive for others…as well as for me.

    But, I would have simply died…to have lost one more speck of me. And, once I knew that what I called myself, was actually a composition of what you all thought of me….and it had very little roots within me.

    In the past 8 years I have been on a path of gathering me…

    I have found parts of myself in the oddest of places.

    Like, my toenails were owned by the FALC (First Apostolic Lutheran Church). As well as my hair, my make-up less face, my womb, etc.  

    I found my decisions in my husband.  I believed he and he alone should make the 'big choices'.

    I found my spirit and my soul to be very small…in comparison to the rest of my life. 

    I found my love, trust and faith to have been trashed and I am working to revive it.

    I found my mothering skills a direct reflection of my mothers and in horror worked to re-define them.

    The list is endless and I just never know when a part of me will pop up…when a lost part of myself will come into view. 

    I recognize it by how powerless I am.

    It means a part of me is being held hostage, I am not in control.

    If I can find a way to not be influenced or affected by them, I take me back.

    The harder the challenge, the more of me, I stand to gain.

    My path has been long, for I had given so much of me away….

    It is truly exhilarating and terrifying, gratifying and confounding, hating and loving, equally.

    A long road back to me.

  • Speak No Truths.

    "Not only will we have to repent for the sins of bad people; but we also will have to repent for the appalling silence of good people.” Martin Luther King Jr.

    I just finished reading "Night" by Elie Wiesel and here is a part that is interesting.

    "Two days after my operation, there was a rumor going round camp that the front had suddenly drawn nearer. The Red Army, they said, was advancing on Buna; it was only a matter of hours now."

    "We were already accustomed to rumors of this kind. It was not the first time a false prophet had foretold to us peace-on-earth, negotiations-with-the-Red-Cross-for-our-release, or other false rumors…..And often we believed them. It was an injection of morphine."

    "But this time these prophecies seemed more solid. During the last few nights, we had heard guns in the distance."

    "My neighbor, the faceless one, said: 

    "Don't let yourself be fooled with illusions.  Hitler has made it very clear that he will annihilate all the Jews before the clock strikes twelve, before they can hear the last stroke."

    "I burst out;"

    "What does it matter to you?  Do we have to regard Hilter as a prophet?"

    "His glazed, faded eyes looked at me. At last he said in a weary voice:"

    "I've got more faith in Hitler, than in anyone else.  He's the only one who's kept his promises, all his promises, to the Jewish people."  

    "At four o'clock on the afternoon of the same day, as usual the bell summoned all heads of the blocks to go and report."

    "They came back shattered.  They could only just open their lips enough to say the word: evacuation.  The camp was to be emptied, and we were to be sent further back. Where to?  To somewhere right in the depths of Germany, to other camps; there was no shortage of them."

    "When?"

    "Tomorrow evening?"

    "Perhaps the Russians will arrive first."

    "Perhaps."

    "We knew perfectly well that they would not."  Elie Wiesel

    Isn't it interesting how Hitler kept his word?

    Isn't it also enlightening to see the hope and continual belief in what keeps failing?

    I realize that Elie's experience of evil is at the utmost end of the spectrum…and yet, it seems that in sexual abuse, the only one to keep their word or to be faithful to themselves are the perpetrators.  The 'good' folk just keep promising and failing.

    I see Evil as being this faithful one you can rely upon and how most will continually believe IT WILL NOT HAPPEN AGAIN….and put their faith in that.  When history and family legacies and sheer statistics show us how you can rely upon evil to deliver.

    And, I am not sure who will stop this machine of sexual abuse. There is no Red Army approaching the lines…trying to curtail the activities of most pedophiles.

    It seems mostly to me, that most are waiting.  Waiting for what, I am not sure.

    Some wait for him to die….

    Some wait to leave home.

    Some wait and hope there will be no more.

    And, while we wait and believe that tomorrow the abuse will be done, it will be over….it will end. The abuser has no one stopping him.

    I see very little active pursuit of eliminating the next victims availability…to make them scarce to these individuals.  Instead, it is like we are inviting him into our camps…for very few will ask him to leave.

    I just find it amazing how we can count on the abuser, he is more faithful…He is the true prophet.

    And those who are hoping to change or for change are the false prophets…they speak no truths.


  • Perfect for Me.

    In January, 2004…I had made a list of things I wanted in life, my future, a bucket list of sorts, but mostly it appears as it were dreams without substance.

    What I mean by that is they were things I wanted to do, lofty goals or what I thought would fulfill my life, but they lacked the beginning.  They lacked me being fully capable of actually knowing the content and substance or the first building blocks…the training or understanding.

    It is to want something that is grand, without the struggle or sweat that it takes to get there.

    Like wanting to cross the finish line of a marathon, but only running the last mile…to feel the accomplishment, but not what it takes to run each step and each mile.

    It is erily like my life back then, minus the center or a true foundation.  Built upon the lightness of life…full of holes and places I skirted around.  Not a true solid running path.

    The things I dreamed for and wanted…was like plucking ideas out of the clouds, with no intentions of doing the work or having the understanding of their path.  Just an item, free floating unattached….that I could simply grab and have.

    A list of fanciful dreams…even a fantasy. A list I wanted to be delivered to me, where the Universe would do all the work, and I just sat and waited.  A lazy dreamer and goal maker.  

    The list and the list maker… I hardly recognize.  And the things I wanted were such senseless things or just things….and not a fuller life, but a life of more things and doings. And, the doings were not connected to my center or me, but something I thought the world needed, not something from within me.

    Oh, I did throw in a few "spiritual" or "feeling" aspirations, but even then, I didn't know what each would require of me…they just sounded 'nice'.

    I may write another list and see the differences.  In a way, I wish I hadn't read the old list first, but just went ahead and wrote AND then I could compare fairly.  Now, I wonder if I would be too grounded to dream the infinite dream?

    What part of me would my bucket list now serve…the center or the dreamer…and what are my dreams?  

    The early list, I believe was what I thought would make me happy, alive and successful and even comfortable.  And yet nothing of the list would have gotten me to where I am today…at peace and fully connected to my center.  It took tragedy and loss, pain and sorrow to make me aware of a whole new level of me.

    It is very interesting to me, that most of what I had on the list, was meaningless and would not have changed who I am or my content…all it would have done was kept me busy at the surface and perhaps dressed nicer and living in better places, going see fun things, but it would not have touched the center of me. 

    I can clearly see the woman who believed that changing the outside would make the inside better.  When in fact the outside stayed the same, but the inside shattered…

    Truth flooded my insides, while the outside remained unchanged…and that toppled any dream list I had.  All my dreams changed.  All I wanted was to be at peace, to know truth, to be joy, to live in harmony with reality…to survive with my life intact…with all my faculties.  To work my way through the insanity of my flipped upside down mind…to get to a place where what I said and what I saw all was in step with the Universe (One Verse).

    For my life to have only one side…and all words and actions to be as they appeared, to not live hiding truths due to their ugly content, but to live fearlessly facing all of life as it appeared like a plain glass window…  To be a seer and not a fanciful dreamer and pretender.

    I know now, that my dreams, intentions and desires would now come from deep within me, and would more than likely contain things that are self less; more that they would be moving through me…Like the Lady Quilts.  Where I am there, but it is much bigger than I.

    In the old list, I was the dream maker, shaper and designer…now, I would be the one who the dream passed through.  

    I can only orchestrate the open space and be accessible and daring…and not be rigid and set on a certain path.  But like the pen being held by an artist….moving freely and not fighting the hand that holds me.

    I no longer resist…for I was shown, that what I would have called my worst moments in life, were actually some of my brightest.  They revealed to me, Me.

    Instead of facing life as a pen and its limited knowing of who I am, I will let the Universe draw me…

    I am surprised often.  

    I am thrilled by synchronistic events that collide, and how I don't know my path, except for this last edge of the pen stroke.

    Today, I am here…ready to see what movements I do, what I am inspired (In Spirit) to do.

    Loving that I am now a pen without a path…there are no dots to search for and ones to swerve around.  I am free to be moved by the Universe….we are truly one verse.

    I only suffer, when I don't like the line that It has drawn or the way it wants me to go.

    If I relax in the hand of the Universe, all my desires and needs will be met. My life has moved down a path that is perfect for me.

  • Content of Your Soul

    Anne Morrow Lindbergh, kept using the word "Centrifugal." When I first came upon it it twisted my tongue and it didn't make sense.  The second time I saw the word, it was like I knew it, but didn't know its spelling.  A line in song came to mind that used it "Centrifugal Motion"…from way back. I had never seen this word spelled out or used in a sentence. (Her book was written 50 years ago)

    I had to look it up for, I didn't quite grasp its meaning, but could feel its pull.

    " Moving or directed away from a center or axis."

    I get this word.  

    I understand the forces that pull you away from your center…and how it feels to be far from the axis of who you are.  I also feel the strength it took to reach my center, to be going against all I was taught to reverse this centrifugal motion my childhood and its circumstances, that were set in motion.

    Abuse clearly is centrifugal motion and all its trappings add to the spinning away from your center, until it feels normal, to be one with the centrifugal energy…to please what makes you leave your soul.

    I can visualize this centrifugal force as the reverse of your soul's desire, the thrusting back and away from your passion.  The opposite of your soul's longing…being pulled away from who you were meant to be…of leaving you…due to reasons and circumstances you were not big enough to fight or resist.  Weak against life's situations, small against the forces that forced.

    Centrifugal motion is a great way to feel the pull of abuse…to feel your self being pulled away from your center…by the forceful need and desires of others.

    What I experienced, was like I was going against gravity when I was putting up boundaries and stopping relationships that wanted to suck me away from what was good for me.  It seemed odd that doing what was good for me, felt like the opposite of a drawing or pull, but rather going against a force field.

    This force field is the negative energy system that comprises abuse…it is like we were taught to spin away from our selves, instead of spinning towards our soul's calling.

    Like spinning tops, going in the wrong direction.

    In order to heal, we are asked to start spinning in a new direction, going against the other spinning tops.  Just the volume of so many going one way, while we are trying to get back to center, is incredible to picture.

    There is an inner battle being fought, where the old centrifugal force is meeting head to head with the passion and knowing of our soul.  Where truth is fighting to stop this centrifugal force.

    I am not certain, I can articulate this accurately, but boy does this paint a picture for me, the hurricane forces of abuse ripping at us, while the soul pleads from way far back, small and weak, while the abuse winds are howling.  

    What is and was always shocking to me, I couldn't please both, it literally always came down to pick one. Centrifugal force of abuse or the passion of my soul.  The energy of each could not be met by one choice. The choice either matched moving away from my center or remaining close.

    Some say we don't have a choice in life, that our life is set out ahead of us, but, I wonder if we get two different lives, depending upon what force we ride?

    I have ridden the back of centrifugal motion only to find in the end it was all for naught, for I may have arrived and been surrounded by family, but I sold my soul out to get there. 

    It leads me to wonder if the centrifugal energy is that of the ego/devil/evil?

    And, if the dance in life is picking which one you want as your partner?

    As an abused child, we had no choice, but will all get the chance to pick again?

    Will all hear or feel the calling of their soul, feel the pull of their truth and no longer remain silent?  Is this the journey of a million sorrows to find your way to stop spinning centrifually?  

    I see the world and all humanity, with two distinct forces swirling around each…the free will of the Universe.

    One will send you spinning away from your center and the other one, moving you closer and closer to the content of your soul.







  • Feel Who You Are.

    "When one is a stranger to oneself then one is estranged from others too. If one is out of touch with oneself, then one cannot touch others."  Anne Morrow Lindbergh

    What struck me while reading this, is that while I feel estranged, and am estranged, from my family, I am very much in touch with me. That by actually coming in touch with myself, it led me away from my family.  I know that this isn't the norm, that most who are seeking a deeper connection to self, will not have to leave their family of origin, but for those of us whose families are entangled in abuse, we will.

    It also gave me a brief insight upon the lives of the abused, that the very fact that they can't or are too afraid to be in touch with their own our self, leads to being unable to touch others; and this is the energy void abused children live in.

    Untouched, in the sense of a deep connection, love and peace with their parents…and even other siblings.  For this disconnection with one self disables the very mechanism for being close.

    How interesting, the first person you need to touch, is your self.

    I had to first be able to see, feel and be with the parts of me that for so many years were totally ignored and intently pushed away and blindly denied.  I had to touch, like a blind person…fingering all the aspects of my family, touching the truth and feeling and being with the horrors of betrayal and lack of love that is abuse.

    What I feel most others are intent on doing, is focusing on what they want to be there, and not to touch the tendrils that they know will lead to the deep dark hole…the void that is abuse.  

    We feel that if we let our selves fall down the slope of reality, we will disappear and go out of our minds.  Instead, by feeling to the depth of your being…you come in contact with your self.  You touch you.

    You see you and rest falls away.

    Touching who you truly are, seems like it would be awful, for no one touched us, instead they used us.  They did not value us.  

     I was afraid to be my self, for I wasn't allowed to be myself.

    I was taught to not share my feelings, not ask for what I needed, to not be in touch with me.  And, once abused, who wants to be in touch with that?

    Yet, it is by sitting down right next to your truth, that you truly come to touch…to hold and be with the wounds, that are you.

    I am all my experiences.  All my feelings, the good, the bad and the ugly…

    I am in touch with all of me.

    In touching the dark terrifying places, I am able to feel and touch love, peace and joy.

    I know, if you can't touch your self, you will not be able to touch and feel others…you first have to feel who you are.


  • My Lady, as Me.

    I am reading "Simple Abundance" by Sarah Ban Breathnach with a few friends.  It is another daily reading book.  I also took out my journal and have enjoyed the hand writing again.  I love the sharp pencils, the blank page and unknown answers and the freedom to investigate…me.

    Our first assignment was to explore our deep longings and aspirations…and I wondered what mine were.

    What desires were deep in my soul?

    As I wrote, it came to me that my longings have changed.  I have been working for years on myself, to become some one who did not hurt others, control others or steal their lives; to be independent and no longer co-dependent on others to fulfill my life.  I have been working to fill my own self.

    In releasing others, I became free too.  

    Now, as a free bird, if you will, what now are my longings and deep aspirations?

    I don't know.

    Not for sure for sure.

    I do however have hints…

    It is like my soul's purpose and passions were shelved or have remained hidden until the time was right to bloom.  I will discover who I was born to be…that all my years thus far have prepared me…to be Me.

    All the detaching and self care that I have done, is not for naught, it has given me the tools I will need to continue…

    I am open to the unknown future and feel fairly certain it will contain writing, quilting and being with women who inspire me as well as inspiring others.  To live more present in awareness…as Me.

    I see myself as the Lady from my Art Quilts…that I am now living my Art.

    I believe that new deep longings and aspirations are waiting to be born. I believe I have now opened the space for them to rise up and be heard.

    I create my quilts by feeling…and I believe this will be the way forward for me.  I will do what feels right for me, even if it doesn't feel right for others.  Honoring me, will create a living work of Art.  Me.

    Perhaps my deepest longing and aspirations was to just be me.  No appologies, no excuses, no fears of the consequences…of saying no to you and saying Yes, to me.

    I am excited to see My Lady, as Me. IMG_0101

  • I was meant to be!

    As I sit here at the end of 2012, my 53rd year, I am surprised about all my firsts.  I love that I am doing things for the first time. I believe this is the key to staying young, to keep learning and trying new things.

    1.  A solo Art Show at the Sweet Water Cafe in Marquette…sold 4 pieces.

    2.  I was on the panel for Take Back the Night at Michigan Tech…my first public appearance as a spokesperson for victims of sexual abuse.

    3.  Was the Featured Quilter for our local Quilt Show in Chassell.  My 20 Art Therapy quilts were on display.

    4.  I made a book about the quilts and one is on the shelf in our local library.

    5.  I gave a keynote speech at Dial Helps Fund Raiser Gala at Michigan Tech and my Art Quilts were on display…a reception, it seemed, for me and my journey. I even made the paper both here and in Marquette…a couple of times.

    6.  I Co-Founded the women's mentoring group, WIND; Women In New Directions with the help of Dial Help.

    7. Speaking of Dial Help, I went through their 30 hour training for sexual abuse for their Victims Service Unit.  I learned plenty and I have not gone out on any calls, but feel that I will use the training in WIND and as I continue to hear victims stories…

    Those are what came to mind as highlights of my year and it has me wondering about my intentions for 2013.

    What do I want to do?

    What things do I want to learn?

    How can I serve using my experience and art?

    I would love to expand my knowledge about this blog and how to set it up and change the looks…to understand the full layout.  A class would be awesome!

    Expanding or actually just moving my art.  Getting prints, cards etc online and in storefronts.

    Find new places to display both my Healing Art Quilts as well as the ones for sale.

    Take WIND on field trips…bring in speakers….expand the menu of what we do.

    Be open to new ways to help victims and be a spokesperson.

    Perhaps start a real book.  Chapters and verses….find a format that or timeline/outline to set my words upon.  I believe once I have a pattern, I can plop in my experiences.  What do I want to share and to whom and how will it look?

    There is a good chance we will be empty nesters by summer and I would love to redo our home to fit just us.  Removing the excess of stuff we needed to be parents. To make it more a grown up home.  Room by Room.

    I will be on the look out now for the opportunities for these intentions….I am excited for 2013.  I wonder how many new firsts I will have?

    Intentions are the seeds to new experiences.  What do you want to experiece?

    For me….more Art, more speaking, more connecting/helping/mentoring….more writing (seriously) and learning and growing into who I was meant to be!


  • My Song of Freedom

    Mark Nepo – December 29

    "As long as we sing, the pain of the world cannot chaim our lives."

    "Through cancer, through growing up in America, through learning about the innumerable struggles for freedom around the world, all different but the same, through being with the people of South America, it has become very clear that giving voice to what is the inner essential to surviving what is outer.  No matter where we live or whom we love, no matter what we want or what we can't have, this is the lesson I can't repeat or learn enough."

    "When everything in life presses from outside of us, we have no choice but to sing like scared children relying on their song to stop the pain, the way that fire stalls the cold. This is the secret of all spirit, why it cannot stay inside, but must be brought from within us into the world. For it is the song from within that keeps the pain of living from snuffing our lives. It is the song from within ignited again and again, that keeps the world going. When we do this for ourselves, we do it for every child not yet born."

    "As night and day takes turns of this massive Earth spinning nowhere, the song we share within takes turns with the catastrophes of living. When we go silent, the age goes dark."

    "Sing, then, in whatever tongue your pain has taught you. Sing, though you have no training and never went to school. Sing, because the cry from all the places you have kept quiet will stall the cold, will soften the danger, will keep the world possible for one more turn…."  Mark Nepo "The Book of Awakening"

    Singing for me means to share your life, to give voice to your experiences and words to your pain.  Singing is being you.  Singing is not silencing your life, but to sing even if you can't carry a tune.  Sing out loud from deep within you.

    Most often the second stage of abuse is forced silence.  We have to stop singing our life…we are controlled by the silence we feel we must keep.

    We are only allowed to sing about things that don't matter and the ones that do, the life altering events, we stifle those words…go mute in fear and shame.  We learn to not talk about our truths…for we were told that it is shameful and we will lose those we 'love'.  So we don't.

    When we dare to speak of the abuse, we get our song back…and we may lose relationships.  But, in my experience, the relationships were based upon my silence and keeping my song inside of me; my truths.

    How can you have a relationship where the truth is left unsung?

    What I feel is the most devasting and long lasting affects of abuse is that our singing voice is silenced.  That we have to bear witness alone without a voice…we become part and party with our fear of singing out loud what happened…and to keep singing until someone hears us.

    In the past 8 years, the way I have been treated as a big adult who began singing, is that you will not find a familiar ear to hear your words.  

    Families of dysfunction are all tone deaf to your words.  They only will hear songs of praise and good memories and will fall deaf when you sing words of abuse.  Oh, they will say they hear you, but they will continue on with their life unchanged.  Like your words passed through their ears without falling into their consciousness.

    What I have come to know is the ability of the human mind…how it can take the least amount of information and weave the most plausible story, or it can in 1 10,000th of a second, disregard what it hears and replace it with what It believes.

    I also believe that it is not our singing voice we fear, but the lack of being heard and for the world to stop spinning in its normal routine.  What I am most perplexed by and even admiral about, is the way most lives will return to back to normal, like nothing happened…with barely a skipped beat.

    What I called life changing and life ending, was just a small blip on their screen.

    It shows to me their controlled minds…and how their beliefs block my song from entering. It is wildly intriguing and at the same time extremely maddening.  It shows live living proof the affects of abuse…an abused mind.

    The greatest feat of our abusers is their ability to convinve our minds to believe something that isn't real.

    And, once they flip our minds out of reality, we then live from this skewed view.

    Imagine if you will, we BELIEVE that our abusers Love us.

    We believe that we did something wrong.

    We believe we did something to be ashamed of.

    All the beliefs are attributes of the abused mind.

    It isn't the fact that we endured the physical act of sexual abuse that leaves us scarred for life, but rather the way our minds has been turned.

    If you were abused and had a loving parent see it for what it was, you would not be left with an abused mind.  

    The abused mind flips around all the facts of the event of abuse and the characters that are involved. Where you take on the traits of the abuser and the abuser becomes innocent.

    In order to flip this around, you literally have to go against your mind and your beliefs and literally stop living life by what your mind says and rely instead upon actions that your eyes can see.  And sing what you see.

    I refused to be swayed by the words that many wanted me to hear to 'explain' their actions away.

    I did not care for words, but relied instead upon actions.

    Imagine if you will how a child is convinced that the perpetrator loves them while forcing them to preform sexual acts. This extreme juxtaposition is made 'right' in your mind.

    When you can finally get right with reality, you are no longer under the affects of abuse…the flipped around mind.

    I sang my truth against the protesting mind…knowing it was my way to being free from the affects of abuse.  My writing and blogging is my song of freedom.



  • Positive Negative

    My brother wrote on his blog, http://www.messyguru.typepad.com about Being positive and acting positive…being polar opposites, and I agree.

    What I believe happens is that when you are raised in an abusive family you work like hell to keep it appearing and looking positive, nice and pretty….and that space is where you believe the heart of the family lies…in the space above the abuse.

    And it is the child's job to continually create and re-create this space…and not look directly into the parents lives…but to see them with one eye closed and humming loudly to block out the harsh reality of what they are doing.

    While beneath this pretty picture the children are painting, lies the dark ugliness of abuse…rotting and infecting each new generation…while the older generation continually tosses out abuse like yesterdays OLD NEWS. 

    Acting positive in order to be a family…while the negative feelings surge and rage through you, require you put on a pretty face.

    Trying to be patient, trying to be kind, trying to be positive.  Using alcohol and drugs to keep you feeling positive.

    It is a false positive…in a false positive family. In order to be part of this family, you have to leave your abuse and its affects and stop talking about it.  IT is not welcome here. It is over and done, we moved on.

     This isn't something that is taken lightly or not defended.  I am shoved to the side in order to protect this false positive family unit.  For I will not act positive about a negative member(s).

    Somehow dysfunctional families are striving to be perfect by NOT talking about the negative, when in fact, the only way to return to being positive is to talk about it, to keep talking and dealing until it is fully displayed and dissected and no longer putting in a negative charge into your system.

    If only abuse was a one time event.  

    If only abuse happened, and then was dealt with, but instead in abusive homes, it happens, it is covered up and never talked about, and you are left with a negative feeling inside of you that then goes on to collect more negative feelings, while the home life surface looks like a Hallmark Picture…

    If you look again, at the family snapshots my mother sent, of a large family doing christmas, you would not see any indication of a pedophile or his damage upon the children…you would have to look deeper into their lives.  It is to HER benefit that a false positive be hung up. 

    She doesn't want to air the dirty laundry of her marriage and child rearing years…she wants it to reflect the kinder side of her life.

    It leaves those of us out here with the affects of the abuse, no where to go.  We don't fit into the family picture she paints.  In order to come in, you have to pretend to pretend that you are not abused OR that it has had any adverse affects in your life.

    It is okay to say your abused, but don't talk about it or act like it…and certainly NOT for 8 years!

    I guess I talk about it because she won't.  I talk about it because it made me who I am today…I make sense when you factor in the negative in our home.

    It is not having the space in her life for us to be abused…that pushes us away.

    Even my brother doesn't want me there, for I have this negative side of my life.

    A side that has wrecked havoc in my world.

    How could I ignore it and live a full life?

    And if I did ignore it, would all the affects go away?

    What I know for sure, is that my life was out of control until I was forced to face the negative and see where it was the leading director in my life.

    I lived my life dancing above the abuse…in order to feel positive.  I was the good girl to make me good.  I had to please others to feel positive.  I had to make my children be good for me to be a good mother.  I was directing the world around me to make me good.

    Now, I am good inside.  I am good with being abused.  I am good in knowing that I was but an innocent child and I was abuse.  It isn't who I am, it was what happened to me. 

    It matters not how many kick my ass to the curb, I am still a good person inside.

    Their actions say more about them, than they say about me.

    As they kick me away, I know that they are kicking away abuse.

    I am not my abuse.

    I am me.

    In order to make a false picture family, you will kick aside the good and keep the bad, for in order to make the negative positive, you make the positive negative.



  • Action where it matters.

    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/12/16/i-am-adam-lanzas-mother-mental-illness-conversation_n_2311009.html?utm_hp_ref=fb&src=sp&comm_ref=false#sb=1306580,b=facebook

    The link above is by a woman who truly understands how tragedy happens…it isn't about the lack of gun laws, nor is it about there being no religion or God association in schools, it is about the delicate balance of the human mind.

    It is about mental illness.  It is about the fact that it isn't easily treated as it would be to change the laws about guns.  It would be easier to put the Pledge of Allegiance back in the schools, compared to coming face to face with dealing successfully with an imbalanced mental health of a child.

    For some reason, it is easier to not look at mental illness.  Yet we all say, "who in their right mind would do such a thing?"  The key is they are not well.  The are no winners in this. The child who is out of control is equally a tragedy.  

    I can't even begin to imagine living the life of this mother…to have a child whose brilliance is so bright and his darkness so dark.  Who do you love and support? Knowing when you lock up the darkness, his sensitive brilliance is compromised.

    As long as we talk about guns and not the mental illnesses and the lack of support and help for this mother and family, we will be guaranteeing more tragedies to come.  We are not learning our lessons.

    Guns are not the problem. God in schools will not be the answer to the mental illnesses that are plaguing these children.  We need to have clarity on where the real root of with these incidences lay.

    These children and their parents are both screaming for help and we are turning them away for there is no room, no program, no solution…etc. 

    Stop looking at the guns and start looking at these children.

    It seems horrific that prison is the answer…and that we don't see the child behind the gun…until it is far far too late.

    We are smarter than how we act.  It would be like banning cars due to drunk driving.

    What can we learn?  How can we help the boys/girls with mental illness…what can we do to save them from themselves…which in turn will stop these tragedies from happening.

    It isn't that these children are out of control, but we are.  We are literally spending time and words arguing about guns. We are not in control when we believe that guns and the lack of God in schools will stop a child with mental illness from acting out the only way his mind will let him.

    He needs us to get back in control.

    Controlling how we see the problem…

    Humanity as a rule sees what it wants to see and disregards the rest. And the rest, is where the solution lies.

    I get this maddening desperation of the mother….while everyone speaks of guns and the lack of God in schools, she has a child out of control.  

    She knows changing gun laws will not stop her son.

    She knows using the word God in school or adding prayer, will not change her son.

    It is time we all see what she sees…and put action where it matters.