I M Perfect lady

Category: Crusade

  • Watching my Mind.

    What I learned about Meditation last night was that it wasn't about sitting still and having no thoughts, but to watch your thoughts.  To "tame" the mind so to speak…although, I believe it is more about taming ourselves.  She suggested that the more you can see your thoughts and not act upon them, the more choices you have to act….I agree.

    What I also heard was that we have been taught to follow the mind, and now we will unlearn that….by meditating and watching what our thoughts are saying…just watching them come and go and feeling how we feel with each thought.

    This makes more sense to me than my previous idea of meditation was to have no thoughts or to just be with your breath.  

    What I heard last night was to be with it all and be aware.

    I may start sitting with my thoughts and watching my mind.

  • Respect of nothing

    "We can't give people what we don't have. Who we are matters immeasurably more than what we know or who we want to be."  Brene Brown

    "The space between our practiced values (what we're actually doing, thinking, and feeling) and our aspirational values (what we want to do, think or feel) is the value gap, or what I call "the disengagement divide."  It's where we lose our employees, our clients, our students, our teachers, our congregations, and even our own children. We can take big steps – we can even make a running jump to cross the widening value fissures that we face at home, work and school – but at some point, when that divide broadens to a certain degree, we're goners.  That's why dehumanizing cultures foster the highest level of disengagement – they create value gaps that actual humans can't hope to successfully navigate."

    "Let's take a look at some common issues that arise in the context of families. I'm using family examples because we are all part of families. Even if we don't have children, we were raised by adults.  In each case a significant gap has grown between the practiced values and the aspirational values, creating that dangerous disengagment divide."

    1. Aspirational values: Honesty and Integrity

    Practiced values: Rationalizing and letting things slide

    Mom is always telling her kids that honesty and integrity are important, and that stealing and cheating in school won't be tolerated.  As they pile into the car after a long grocery shop, Mom realizes that the cashier didn't charge her for the sodas in the bottom of the cart. Rather than going back into the store, she shrugs and says, "Wasn't my fault. They're making a mint anyway."

    2. Aspirational Values: Respect and Accountability

    Practiced value: Fast and easy is more important

    Dad is always driving home the importance of respect and accountability, but when Bobby intentionally breaks Sammy's new Transformer, Dad is too busy on his Blackberry to sit down with the brothers and talk about how they should treat each other's toys. Instead of insisting that Bobby needs to apologize and make amends, he shrugs his shoulders, thinking, Boys will be boys, and tells them both to go to their rooms.

    3. Aspirational Values: Gratitude and Respect

    Practiced Values: Teasing, taking for granted, disrespect

    Mom and Dad constantly feel unappreciated, and they're tired of their children's disrespectful attitudes. But Mom and Dad themselves yell at each other and call each other names. No one in the house says please or thank you, including the parents. Moreover, Mom and Dad use put-downs with their children and with each other, and everyone routinely teases family members to the point of tears. The problem is that the parents are looking for behaviors, emotions, and thinking patterns that their children have never seen modeled.

    "Now let's look at the power of aligned values:

    1. Aspirational Values: Emotional Connection and  Honored Feelings

    Practiced Values Emotional Connection and Honored Feelings

    Mom and Dad have tried to instill and model a "feeling first" ethic in their family. One evening Hunter comes home from basketball practice and is clearly upset.  His sophomore year has been tough, and the basketball coach is really riding him. He throws his bag down on the kitchen floor and heads straight upstairs. Mom and Dad are in the kitchen making dinner, and they watch Hunter as he disappears up to his room. Dad turns off the burner, and Mom tells Hunter's younger brother that they're going to talk to Hunter and to please give them some time alone with him. They go up stairs together and sit on the edge of his bed.  "Your mom and I know these past few weeks have been really hard," Dad says. "We don't know exactly how you feel, but we want to know. High School was tough for both of us, and we want to be with you in this." This was such a great example of minding the gap and cultivating engagement.  In the interview the father told me that it made all of them feel very vulnerable and that they were all crying before it was over. He said that sharing his high school struggles with his son really opened the relationship between them.

    "I want to stress that these examples aren't fiction; they're from the data.  And, no, we can't be perfect models all of the time. I know I can't.  But when our practiced values are routinely in conflict with the expectations we set in our culture, disengagement is inevitable." Brene Brown

    What I know for sure is when I became disengaged and disconnected….when my family and church did not follow up their words (aspirations) with actions.

    I was wondering about this huge gap between my mother and I, and even my siblings and I, how it was that they could honestly feel that we all thought alike and even held the same things in high regard….but we were so at odds with each other.

    The gap was not created by me…IT was created by what they thought and believed and HOW they acted.

    I was not responsible for the disengagement I felt, but rather a witness to how their aspirations and their actions didn't match.

    It isn't my job to "mind the gap" as she calls it…in their lives.

    Here is how Brene explains it.

    "Minding the gap is a daring strategy. We have to pay attention to the space between where we're actually standing and where we want to be.  More importantly, we have to practice the values that we're holding out as important in our culture. Minding the gap requires both an embrace of our own vulnerability and cultivation of shame resilience – we're going to be called upon to show up as leaders and parents and educators in new and uncomfortable ways.  We don't have to be perfect, just engaged and committed to aligning values with action. We also need to be prepared: The gremlins will be out in full force, as they love to sneak up just when we're about to step into the arena, be vulnerable, and take some chances." Brene

    When this gap between what you aspire and preach and tote around as your high values and morals, about standing against abuse etc….and how you actually act…are at odds with each other, it is you that is creating an atmosphere of disengagement. You are making the space too wide to be trusted or relied upon.

    I didn't have the words or the language to show how I became disengaged….it wasn't that I expected a certain criteria, but rather that their aspirational values be walked.

    If they have no intention of walking their talk, they should at the very least change their talk to match their walk.

    What many are asking me to believe upon are their aspirations and to not see how their walking and talking are so vastly wide.  It is that space where I lost trust, respect and love of them.  The hole is so wide what do you believe in?

    I see and feel nothing, the empty void of good intentions…where actions are miles away from the aspirations.  I can't live in the void or have relationships with that….or love or honor or respect of nothing.


  • Culture of their Worlds

    In writing a letter to the woman of the OLAC, I completely see how we see things differently and yet 'right' from our own points of view.  It isn't that she sees it wrongly, but how right it seems shining through the lens of faith.  

    I didn't get this.

    I couldn't see how it was to not see, except through the beliefs of faith.

    She can no more see what I see than I can now pretend to pretend the rightness of her religion or my old one.

    It left us with no common ground…at least that I can see.

    In reading the book, "Daring Greatly" by Brene Brown, she writes about culture…

    "The way we do things around here," or culture, is complex.  In my experience, I can tell a lot about the culture and values of a group, family, or organization by asking ten questions."

    1. What behaviors are rewarded? Punished?

    2. Where and how are people actually spending their resources (time, money, attention)?

    3. What rules and expectations are followed, enforced, and ignored?

    4. Do people feel safe and supported talking about how they feel and asking for what they need?

    5. What are the sacred cows? Who is most likely to tip them? Who stands the cows back up?

    6. What stories are legend and what values do they convey?

    7. What happens when someone fails, disappoints, or makes a mistake?

    8. How is vulnerability (uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure) perceived?

    9. How prevalent are shame and blame and how are they showing up?

    10. What's the collective tolerance for discomfort? Is the discomfort of learning, trying new things, and giving and receiving feedback normalized, or is there a high premium put on comfort (and how does that look)?

    "In each of the following sections I'll talk about how these play out in our lives and what specifically I look for, but first I want to talk about where this line of questioning leads us."

    "As someone who studies culture as a whole, I think the power of these questions is their ability to shed light on the darkest areas of our lives: disconnection, disengagement and our struggle for worthiness. Not only do these questions help us understand the culture, they surface the discrepancies between "what we say" and "what we do," or between the values we espouse and the values we practice.  My dear friend Charles Kiley use the term "aspirational values" to describe the elusive list of values that reside in our best intentions, on the wall of our cubical, at the heart of our parenting lectures, or in our companies vision statement. If we want to isolate the problems and develop transformation strategies, we have to hold our aspirational values up against what I call our practiced values – how we actually live, feel, behave and think. Are we willing to walk our talk? Answering this can get very uncomfortable."  Brene

    What I see as the culture of the church….whether it be the FALC or the OLAC, is how they have aspirational goals but the practiced values are far off the mark.

    How curious it would be to see what the culture of our families are by how we act and not by what we aspire to….

    I can viserally feel the culture of the church and the lack of morals and values they aspire to, just in the way their words are not met with actions.

    What would the churches answers be to the ten questions above?  What is the culture of the families?

    Will the culture show the discrepancies between what they say and what they do?

    It is the discrepancy that I have issues with… words and actions are not matching.

    It is hard for me to be with folks whose words and actions don't match….

    I used to give them the benefit of the doubt when their words sounded kinder and with morals and values, even if their walks were way off…now, I go by actions alone.

    Describing what they are doing will show you the culture of their worlds.

     

  • Spring Gala Quilt 2013

    I had the day off and my intention was to play with fabric to create a quilt for the Spring Gala for Dial-Help.  I worked with a few different poses, and came up with this….
    IMG_9706

    She will be auctioned off to the highest bidder.  

    I still have to do the machine quilting and add the finishing touches, but….this as far as I know, this will be My Lady…

    Some of the fabric is my hand-dyed….I ordered the water fabric online and was pleased with it for water…


    IMG_9708
    I love the design in the border and may add some more geometric designs….it is fun to add surprises to the borders…

  • Abuse and the FALC.

    The newspaper headlines speak of two more alleged rapes…two more victims whose lives are forever changed, 'allegedly'…who will remain guilty of asserting and professing being raped by this young man, while he remains innocent, until they prove him guilty.

    He a promising athlete, from a family within the FALC, who allegedly raped these two women…his two worlds don't match, or do they?  

    Is it possible that his model of power has been completely skewed and these woman are just outlets for him to gain power?

    Andrew Vachss wrote that Rape is a method of enforcing domination and a program to enslave the vulnerable.  He wasn't picking on someone his own size or gender, but on those who are weaker than he…

    Knowing that rape isn't about sex, but it is about power, you have to look at his power models.

    Looking upon the power structure within the church and within families of this church, it is not hard to see how skewed this model is.

    You have leaders/preachers/elders/parents who also dominate the vulnerable, who enslave their minds, bodies and actions by how they dictate their lives.

    I know many will believe I have gone beneath the deep end now, but if rape is about power and not sex, then where did he learn this behavior, that being a powerful man is to dominate, enslave and force others?

    Who were his male role models and how did they act towards women or those much more vulnerable than them?  How are the women and children treated in this religion?

    If you look upon how children (vulnerable) are dominated by the beliefs of their parents to the point of being shunned if they don't capitulate, it is not a stretch to see his model.  They (children) give up their bodies and lives in order to fit into their parents religion, until they are powerless and the parents and church powerful.

    I see his behavior as completely making sense coming from whence he came.

    It would be more shocking to not have these young men acting out than it is to have them overpowering the weak to gain power.

    When we focus on the sexual act with rape, we lose the core purpose or tool of rape; power.

    Unless and until you have experienced the powerless feelings of the church, you can't imagine how little self power you have.  And, when you see how powerful the men are in how they control our bodies and lives, you will see that the volume of sexual assualts within the church match the models of power vs powerless.

    Even the woman I spoke to of the Old Apostolic Lutheran Church, wondered how come there was so much sexual abuse….she and other women of the church pondered this, as they stand in dresses, grey hair, bearing baby upon baby, voiceless and choiceless….powerless.  And, they wonder about the power assaults upon them…as they stand powerless.

    Do the men of the church ponder this 'problem' of assaults?  Are the board members and preachers huddling and collectively trying to figure out how to stop this massive bleeding of innocent lives?

    Do you hear the men of these churches fighting to give power to their children and wives?  Do you see them fighting for equal rights and self expression?  Are there commitees formed for self empowerment?  Are there classes beyond Bible class…such as ways to get out of abusive relationships and families?

    Am I the only one who is not shocked by the sheer numbers of abusers, but horrified and completely overwhelmed, by how many victims EACH of these men have dominated by using sex for power?

    I see too much….

    I see the perfect environment for evil to flourish…

    I see apathy and denial and defense towards a church of high morals and high values…while their children are in the headlines for allegedly raping.

    Will I see women start to rise and cry out for such horrific treatment of those two young women?

    When will the women of these churches start to get restless?  What will it take to make them rise?  How can you see your son and brother and friend act out this way and not question, something?

    The headline affirmed what I know and have been writing about endlessly; abuse and the FALC.

     



  • Stand Against Abuse.

    This Shame being the fear of being disconnected, changes the whole game about how I will look upon abuse and how silence is the unmoveable wall of stone, that I can't seem to move….it isn't about sharing evil deeds, IT is about being popular, liked….period.

    The reason 'good' people are doing nothing is much more personable than I thought, and even not ignorance or 'against their religion', the key is they don't want to be rejected, they don't want to stand out, they want to fit in.

    This almost makes it more aggregeous to me…that their social and family status matters more, than doing what is right for a child in danger.

    Not only does it sicken me that their popularity is the only thing they risk, while the child then is sentenced to a life of disconnection.

    They are then no longer lovingly attached to their family…or reality, for the 'good' knowing adults will do any number of pretending to have a father and not a pedophile, and their excuses are all so that they can remain popular.

    Imagine?

    I see the ramifications of this to be so shallow for the content and severity of abuse.

    As a child sees their parent's fear of making waves within the family and church…they have to disconnect in order to survive.

    I had to let go of my truth to appease my mother so she could keep her tribe membership of good standing.

    I can't know if you all can grasp the enormity of this….that it isn't a game of morals and values, it is a game of being popular! 

    It isn't just in the name of religion they are silent, it is due to their own personal 'friendships' and relationships.

    I know, for I lost alot of family and friends, to stand against abuse.


  • Vulnerability is a strength

    It is interesting to me to have the visit with the woman of the Old Apostolic Church dovetail with the reading of the book by Brene Brown, "Daring Greatly"….the two can't be more unalike!

    What would be daring greatly within the Old Apostolic Church?

    What would this woman have to do, to be daring?  

    When you see her lack of self expression or control over her body and dress (literally dress), you can appreciate how daring she is…for she is speaking to me, a non-church member about her secrets (shame).

    She is not daring enough to wear pants or color her hair, but she is daring enough to tell me, even though she felt the fear of disconnection if others knew.  Being with me is a dare and risk to her comfortable life…of fitting in.

    When Brene Brown speaks of vulnerability, she speaks about shame.  Shame is the fear of disconnection.  We fear being vulnerable for if we speak up, we will become disconnected.

    This woman will go through great constraints to match, to be connected to the church, she has given up her rights about her body and dress and capitulates in order to be connected. 

    What is interesting and vastly intriguing and telling, is that it is NOT the secret they fear or are afraid to tell, it is the avalanche of reject to follow.

    I know this to be true.

    It is what keeps shame running strong, for we fear most being alone.

    If you tell, you will lose the tribe's approval.

    What was even more shocking than finding out my father abused me and the churches non response, was my rejection by my family.

    Their own fear of being vulnerable, of standing in the light of day with their own secrets, had them moving away from me.  

    I always wondered, "what did my do", as my son used to say….that had them pushed so far back.  I stood with my shame pooling at my feet, all the things I had wanted to hide, were now exposed….and instead of hiding, I stood tall in the midst of it all. Naked, exposed and completely vulnerable.

    And it felt just like that.  

    And oddly it didn't make me weaker, but it made me stronger.

    Like Brene says, "Vulnerability is not a weakness, it is a strength."

    What I have noticed about the women of these extreme religions is that they believe the opposite….just like everyone else, that they are not allowed to show their secrets, for they will become annihilated.

    In fact, it is their shield and armour to have grey hair and all dress alike, they hide in the sea of being connected by how they look, act and believe.  What they fear the most is standing out, alone…disconnected.

    They will bare the weight of the untold story, of keeping secret secrets, anything to not disconnect from the herd….while being totally disconnected to their self.

    While I thought it was the story or the reputation of the man they held sacred, it was actually their own fear of being shunned.

    It gets tangled in the mind the protecting of pedophiles with the fear of rejection…how you will have to trade being alone for standing up against abuse.

    Who wants to purposefully stand out, negatively.

    Shame isn't about the dirtiness of the secret, but the feelings of being alone…if you were to share.  

    What I am always surprised and then not so much…is that popularity and being liked will more often than not trump doing what is right.

    I guess intrinsically we are programmed to connect and be loved and death woud be more preferable than being shunned and rejected.

    And, even being connected to the wrong bunch of people is better than being alone.

    There is another part of shame that correlates with the churches image….Perfection.

    While I know they would greatly defend and oppose what I am going to say, it is so.

    They believe that must be perfect in order to get to heaven, so anything that mares this surface has to be kept silent.  They need to be sinless, while saying it is impossible. They need to project the perfect family while perfection is impossible.  

    I recall hollering at my kids believing perfection was possible while failing the perfect mother test.

    This mind-set and belief that they are better than, the righter church, the best narrow path to God, has them shamefully hiding any imperfection….and shame flourishes with secrets and hiding.

    So, they are sitting in a conundrum…where truth and disconnection are battling.

    The only way we can save the children is to dare greatly and be disconnected and to stand as one vulnerable exposing our secrets.  

    "We are only as sick as our secrets" is a quote I have heard…

    The church and its families are as sick as their secrets…

    Imagine the group energies that are at work to keep perfection…are literally weakening the churches foundations…the smallest members, the children.

    What I know is that when I became vulnerable and shed my secrets, my mothering softened and was filled with empathy.  The more vulnerable I became, the less perfection I demanded.

    I am way okay with imperfections…shame thrives as long as you strive for perfection.

    Perfection is a weakness and Vulnerability is a strength….

     



  • Breeding Evil.

    "Faith, minus mystery and uncertainty, equals extremism."  Brene Brown

    I was raised in a religion that was certain of many things and never flirted with uncertainty…

    They knew for instance what sins were and what would stop you from entering heaven, what was evil and what constituted high moral ground. I would almost say, they knew more about the bad than what was good or what was right, perhaps, what was moral.

    In being re-introduced to this type of religion, via my visit with a woman whose faith is in the Old Apostolic Lutheran Church, I feel the affects of this moral paradox when it sits juxtaposition with the laws of the land, how they are not mutually inclusive.

    In the "Faith", one has to forgive their abuser for abusing them and even ask for forgiveness, and then life goes on a normal, well, almost.  The pedophile actually gets a clean slate, and is now heaven ready, while the victim is left perhaps in a worse condition.  

    The victim is often shunned for 'exposing' sins or talking negatively about someone, and even tainting the pure image of the church and its high moral values.  And, once this sin is forgiven, IT SHOULD BE FORGOTTEN, so each time it comes back into your awareness, you are dredging up and holding grudges against someone for behaviors that were forgiven.  You are weak, IF you cannot become instantly friendly and trusting of him again.  You are holding his sins against him.  

    There are NO expectations within the church and its ministers and members to take this sin to the Law of the Land.  None.  It never leaves the private meetings between the abuser and his victims.  Nothing happens but wiping clean the slate of a man who has abused for generations…he returns back to his life and they to theirs.

    I would call this behavior extreme in its lack of reaction.

    I had to look up extremism…

    "One who advocates or resorts to measures beyond the norm."

     "A tendency or disposition to go to extremes or an instance of going to extremes, especially in political matters."

    This collective accomplicity is astounding.

    How is it that a group of people who base their lives upon living outside of evil perform such evil acts?

    I know, some will call me an extremist, but come on people.  They have a known pedophile and many victims and NO ONE ever suggests or demands, the pedophile be brougt to trial.  It is like the laws of the land are secondary to the laws of the church, and adult members of this sect, conspire to agree.

    I mean really…a man who has for decades and decades been free to abuse, is blessed and set free once again, when you have proof in the room of his sexual desires  are for little girls…and you call yourselves people with high moral values and shelter yourselves from the evils of the world….REALLY?

    Evils of the world like TV, make-up, birth control, music, etc, while entertaining and keeping quiet the activities of a man who abuses little girls.

    When your preachers knowingly witness the account of abuse and do nothing, they are willingly aiding and abetting a known pedophile and endangering the lives of innocent children and standing in contempt of the law.

    And, you members look up to and respect these men.

    Really?

    How in the world can you all say you are of high morals and values when the lives of innocent children mean nothing. When you willingly and knowingly return a pedophile to roam among the children again?

    Is this extremism?  Is your behavior beyond the line of norm? What makes the church extreme to me IS the lack of moral code to eradicate abusers in your midst…where instead you all join a tight circle of silence.

    In fact, the woman I spoke to had a bit of remorse or second thoughts of giving me his name. The man is dead, and she is still protecting his 'good' reputation.  My head swirls with the lack of normal reactions.

    Why these men and women are not running over each other to report evil is beyond my comprehension?  Why when they 'protect' their children from all manner of sin, do they let the mother of all evil flourish, is way beyond the realm of understanding or logic.

    I even told this woman, that I could more easily understand my father doing what he did, than I could understand the reactions of the church people.  

    It is the sheer contradiction of what they profess in comparison to how they act that leaves you breathless.

    How is it that these 'good' people act so extremely unflinching when they hear about abuse within their families and church communities?  How is it that they are quick to shun you if you don't believe like they do, but not shun someone who hurts little girls/boys?

    What stops them from demanding of their preachers to kick these guys off the boards and out of the pulpits, and to drag their sorry butts to the law of the land?

    How is it that they will compliantly accept the unacceptable?

    This is completely enthralling and terrifying to say the least…where all it takes for evil to flourish is for a few good men to do nothing...says Ellie Wiesel.

    "This is a criminal disease that perpetuates itself exponentially from generation to generation"…says Tom Rosemurgy.

    We all need to be concerned, for when these extreme churches are in our communities, they are breeding evil. 

     



  • Overlooked abuse.

    I know there is a collective notion that I am bashing churches, that I have it out for my old church and others that believe in similar fashion, that I am hell bent on trashing these kind loving souls…that I am purposefully trying to wreck their reputations of being pious, humble and Godly…that my soul intent is to completely tear down their church faith and simple belief.

    I am not.

    I would easily grant them complete freedom to believe what they want, to pray to a God of their beliefs, and worship to their hearts content…but their practices and indoctrination stops reporting of child abuse.

    It stops them from seeking outside help for sins committed.

    It stops them from exposing…rather preaches hiding.  Once a sin has been forgiven it is not right to dredge it up….and you have no right to meddle in another's conscience; it is a sin to look and comment or spread another's sins.

    The whole belief structure disables victims and the preachers they look to for guidance are ignorant of their liability in the face of knowing about a child in danger and NOT reporting.

    Their ignorance of believing that a pedophile 'sins' and it is forgiven and forgotten…and somehow returned to just a dad, a member, a board member etc….how it is not right to 'judge' him, that is God's place.  

    There are no treatments to cure this within the walls of that church.

    There are no therapies offered to the victims. There is no shunning of the pedophile, but rather life returns to normal.  Where he is once again set free to 'sin no more'. 

    However, they (members) know that we are weak and sinful and are not surprised to learn he can't abstain.

    Some feel I am being particularly petty and relentless when it comes to these religions, but if they could see an overview of the cycles of abuse and how the rules/laws and beliefs of the church work in the favor of the pedophile, they would see I am not being relentless enough. 

    While they hold on dearly to their 'precious' faith, they are blindly being players in the abusive game, but not ending it.

    By not taking themselves out of the church community and seeking outside help and assistance to remove this man from their midst.

    I know the teachings and the sentiments of these communities and how unwittingly they serve abusers.  I know the make-up of victims and how they were taught since they were children to mind their elders.  To forgive and forget.  To not speak unkindly about others etc.

    Children are taught at a young age to please the elders and to fit in to a pattern reflective of the church.  They have given up the rights to their own bodies by allowing someone (church elders) to tell them what to wear, what not to wear, what to watch or not watch, what to read or not read, what to do with their hair or not do, they have been whittled into good submissive subjects that make easy victims.

    Children who are obedient are easy to abuse.

    Women are taught that the Man is the head of the household, she often is far from the center of balance, but just a step above the children. She has no voice within the family on matters of great concern, and she is unable and unwilling and unknowing how to step out of line and speak of things that are usually too shameful or too frightening to talk about….to close friends, let alone strangers on the outside.

    Not only strangers, but unbelievers, sinners…the ones who she has been taught not to trust and has the fear of devil in them.

    This is the conundrum I speak of.

    The very good faithful are unwittingly being led to the slaughter of their own souls.

    They will have to toss away their precious faith and eternity in Heaven to end abuse.

    They will always choose their faith.

    Meanwhile, the abuse flourishes unheeded.

    Is there a way to expose abuse within the churches and save their precious faith?

    Is there a way for children to be obedient and save themselves?

    Is there a way a mother can be submissive and assertive?

    Is it possible for the preachers to preach the power of forgiveness of sins and report the abusers and maintain their beliefs?

    I can't know this.

    It appears to me, that it is impossible to have both.

    And, like I have said, their faith is the most precious thing to them. They will unwittingly allow their children to suffer abuse in order for them to gain heaven.

    Unless and until they are willing to lay down their eternity in heaven, abuse will run freely within their hallowed walls of their church community…

    How sacred is a place with pedophiles running free?

    When they focus on their own faith, they are blind to the sins that fill their homes.

    The self absorption of their souls eventually getting to heaven is the greatest hurdle we on the outside have to overcome.  They again are fearing Hell for eternity and are willingly allowing another child to suffer abuse.

    When I spoke to my mother, my last time. Do you know, I was not allowed to address her religion. This was one of the places she was unwilling to go.  It was not an area open to discussion. Yet, this religion was one who held endless amounts of adults who knew and did nothing. This religion's minister knew and did not speak to the law. This religion groomed me to be obedient and fear God….

    The very thing I was not allowed to tear down was the same thing that overlooked abuse.


  • Loving Spirit of a Child.

    The conundrum of abuse is that the pedophile can't stop and the victim can't speak…neither can nor will change its pattern.  

    Fear holds one at bay while addiction grasps the other, around and around they go, spewing forth their toxic behavior, maddeningly stuck repeating and handing down their insidious ways.

    Who is more to blame, the one who is abusing unchecked or the many who know and say nothing to the law?  Who is more responsible for the endless victims that one man, in a life span of 80 years, has been allowed to roam freely within his family, church and society?

    I know he is the one who is doing the abuse, BUT what of the many who know and do nothing?  What of the preachers who are more worried about carrying out the laws of the church, are they not enabling him to continue?  Isn't their ignorance a huge factor in him being able to abuse, unchecked?

    How is it that so many whisper his name and keep it quiet, while the latest victim falls into his grasp?  

    When we will start acting in accordance to what will save the next victim?

    At times it feels like there is a strong vortex of swirling co-conspirators leading this sexual abuse….with the silence being part of the problem as much as the perpetrator!  The only innocent I see are the children…with no one willing/able or daring to make waves, to cause 'trouble', while trouble enters into the lives of small defenseless children.

    There are times I feel I will be swallowed up with the deafening sound of silence, when there should be voices raised and cries heard forever. 

    My head hurts trying to figure out a way to break the muted voices…

    The only cries are the newest victim…silently in a world where no adult dares to enter.

    And yet I know that for some victims they have no memories. But, if you know, if you remember, if you have heard stories from victims, the silence needs to be broken. 

    Without victims coming forth and speaking out, the cycle of abuse will go on.

    Give the names to Tom Rosemurgy…give our children a chance to be innocent, to live lives without the horrible affects of abuse. Give them examples of standing out loud…of speaking the truth…even if you are afraid.  Isn't it better for the adults to be afraid, than to have children living in fear of their next act of abuse?

    It is only by breaking the silence does innocence have a chance…save the wild joy and love of life of a child…save their self esteem and self love.  

    I wonder, if it as hard to break the silence as it is for the abuser to stop abusing?

    What is harder?

    Is it really that hard to speak?  Call Tom Rosemurgy, even if your legs are shaking, even if you are spit less in fear. Call and save the loving spirit of a child….