I M Perfect lady

Category: Crusade

  • A place I used to call Home.

    I had the opportunity to visit a woman who could easily be me…and I recalled Tom Rosemurgy's question about what anyone outside of my religion could have said or done to make me awaken or to realize how blind I was…how brainwashed.  I too wonder what it would take to make this women see life without the curtain of her religion.

    I wondered IF there was anything I could have said to release her grip of fear about anything not sanctioned by her church.

    It was so vastly interesting to hear her speak and how her language was defined by the churches beliefs and even more shocking to see the hide and seek between awareness and blindness.

    How she would willingly show me her life, but then her awkward response to it…all heavy with the ropes of her faith.

    The paradox between what would literally make a difference and what her faith dictates is so completely insane and yet she justifies it through the eyes of her church.

    I am not certain I can even paint the picture of this but it showed me, me. 

    How it literally is to know, but not know.

    To fully believe in the power of forgiveness of sins, how reality comes in second each and every time, how self is held its prisoner under their free will. The subtle switching between fully being in reality and then quickly hiding behind the curtains of forgiveness of sins.

    She showed me her abuser, and then showed me how the church addressed him and his deeds and how the victims were made to not only bless him, but ask him to bless them.  He and his actions were brought into the light from the shadows of secret silences of many, and then it was not to be spoke of.

    It is this insidious now you see it and now you don't distortion of reality that slowly drives you insane, where your grip on reality is very weak…and your strength is with what is not even possible.

    This is the first victim I have spoken to from the Old Apostolic Lutheran Church…and I left feeling overwhelmed by the information.  Not only the sheer numbers affected, but the way the church handles the pedophiles in their mix, and even more heavy the way good law abiding church members go along.

    Without outside intervention this cloistered sexual abuse nest continues to infect themselves, generation by generation…held captive by the churches staunch belief that you can stop, eradicate or end behaviors that are immune to the forgiveness of sins.

    While I can fully appreciate that this woman did her best, she failed remarkably…in exposing this man to the law of the land…instead they deal only with God's law…believing that they must forgive him and his actions…or they will go to Hell.

    They fear hell while living in it.

    It showed me the lack of progress within the church, the lack of safety for the children who live within the families of their members, inasmuch as I feel for those from the church I exited…

    But, I can totally understand how the brainwashed are doing the best they can with the brains they live with.

    You truly can't expect them to be clear minded.

    Coming from whence she came, her past sexual abuse and her indoctrination into this religion, you simply can't expect anything more.

    And that is the most frightening….they are inbreeding more and more blindness and more and more abuse.

    Its cycle is unbroken due to lack of outside intervention.

    Abuse thrives due to the blindness…the blindness continues due to the abuse.

    I left asking myself what will it take to show them how insane their behavior is…when it is all they have ever known.

    And to fear hell while living in hell, is actuall to fear Heaven while in Hell.

    I mean how much more hellish can life get where you are within a community that does nothing to the men who have a long reign of abuse, where there are generations of children they have access to, and all you can do is bless them, that is your only option.

    You are not allowed to venture to the police or go for help.

    And, you are afraid of Hell???

    That seems like a foreign land to me, thankfully so.  It seems like a completely insane Faith and a extremely hard lifestyle to live.

    What will shatter their blindness, what will it take to arouse them out of their deep sleep, if little children being raped and fondled….is not enough. 

    Honest, it blows my mind.  THEY know….but then cover it up….keep it within the confines of the church. Their preachers believe that they will go to jail if they don't deal with it….via the forgiveness of sins, of making it right. Little do they know, they all should be in jail for knowing and not bringing the man to the law.

    And, to get the Hell Fearing folks to step out of their religion to help with this…well it seems completely impossible. For they fear hell awaits outside of their faith.

    What is this Faith I want to scream. Faith in What?  Faith in believing you can flip reality? That you can make a pedophile not be one, by using words?  

    I caught of glimpse of the insane landscape of brainwashed religion….a place I used to call home.

  • A child’s mind

    I looked up the definition of Addiction and found this on Live Science.

    "Addiction is a chronic brain disorder and not simply a behavior problem involving alcohol, drugs, gambling or sex, experts contend in a new definition of addiction, one that is not solely related to problematic substance abuse.

    At its core, addiction isn't just a social problem or a moral problem or a criminal problem. It's a brain problem whose behaviors manifest in all these other areas," said Dr. Michael Miller, past president of ASAM who oversaw the development of the new definition.

    Many behaviors driven by addiction are real problems and sometimes criminal acts. But the disease is about brains, not drugs. It's about underlying neurology, not outward actions."   

    Research has shown the brain's reward circuitry is modified in addicts, making them crave "rewards," such as alcohol and other drugs."  Live Science

    I know this is right.  I know that the brain and our ingrained thoughts and beliefs and being left alone in our heads after abuse, is the cause of so many getting lost in addictions.  A brain disorder makes more sense than an overwhelming urge to do destructive behavior.   

    I had heard Don Miguel Ruiz say that psychology is so far behind…and I would agree.  

    My brother even coined the phrase, "My abused mind."

    And, I know in abuse, it is not the affects on the body that cause us so much grief, but rather how it plays with our minds…when left untreated.

    The sheer juxtaposition between some one you love and trust doing hurtful things to you, and you having to rationalize it IN your mind, causes the brain disorder.

    You are trying to make sense out of something that shouldn't match.  You are bending and twisting your mind to make sense of a reality that is way out of order.

    Instead of making reality and family and friend disorderly, we mess with our own minds.

    It is my humble belief, that the more you can right reality and see what truly is, the more you correct the abused mind, and relieve it of crossed wires.

    It makes the most sense to me, that a mind with wires so hideously crossed will make choices that are completely insane, and have the body and life of an individual follow along.

    The phrase, "who in their right mind would do such a thing…." comes to mind.  No one….only those who are living with an abused mind.

    Correcting how you see the reality of your life, will undo the damage of the mind.  

    Even when I saw my father for who he was and his supportive wife, I still had years of work ahead.  My life was based and set up to fit perfectly to match my abused mind.

    I made choices that reflected my crossed wires.

    As I uncrossed each wire, It had a ripple affect in my life.  Where I was righteously right, I was now very wrong.  I had to re-work my life to match reality and not my mind.

    When psychology gets this, that reality is where our minds will find relief, even if we have to see horror and terrifying relationships, we will get a firm grip on addictions.

    I love that addictions are a brain disorder, it is the only definition I have read that feels true for me.  It explains the suffering of so many.

    Once I knew how off I was in reality, I also understood how off my mind was.  How completely mental I truly was.  It was a mental break down.  To break down all the constructs of an abused mind. 

    If only people would get the damage abuse causes a mind, IF you try and make the abusive relationship into one of family. To keep the family and protect its integrity and include abuse.

    This inclusion is the distortion that creates a brain disorder.  It is going against truth and reality, leaving us living in complete and utter chaos in our minds.

    My mind is now calmer and more at peace; in order and yet my life outside within my family is a total mess…where it should be.

    Not allowing reality to shine in its horrific reality as abuse…is where the damage begins…it isn't the physical act of hurting the body or invading privacy or the sheer strength of adult to child, but it is the corruption of the innocent mind…when you make it live outside of reality.

    Going against reality is the most damaging part of the abuse.  I believe that we could heal from the physical pain easily and quickly, if we had someone who was able to see reality and call it like it is….regardless of the consequences.

    But, it is the consequences to the adults dictate how they see our abuse….and as a child, we have no choice but to follow along.

    What would my father's abuse on his daughters mean to my mother?  What would it do to her marriage?  What would it do on her life? She made choices about my abuse for her comfort….she distorted things to keep her life going on undamaged. She continued to stay married to him for 49 years.  

    I had to make my mind match her reality.

    When I started walking with reality all hell broke lose in my life…reality came crashing in and I was horrified of what my mind had done.  It had created a completely different dad than the one I had, and mom….etc.  I could no longer believe my mind.  I had to start from scratch defining things via reality.

    I paid attention to actions and left the words of confused minds…fade away.  It didn't matter why they did what they did, just what they did.

    A brain disorder is when it is unable to be with reality…when you discount actions and value their words.  

    Life is simpler for me now, even if often shocking in its revelations, I see what the birds and trees see.  I no longer try and make things better than they appear. I now live in a simple mind.  A child's mind.  




  • Plausible Love

    Sometimes the weight of estrangement seems too much… being the outsider or the one who 'left'…who required more than their capabilities. When my new requirements are too hard for me to carry, and yet impossible to put down.

    Where it is hard to be me, but impossible not to be.  Where life is asking me to continue down a road less traveled and what it feels like to experience estrangement.

    Somehow, I forget to remember that estrangement from family will not be to be embraced, but instead to feel the absence of family.

    To be set apart.

    If only this estrangement could be quickly healed, that it was only in my mind where my family was abusive, that in reality, we were just a large poor family…with family type disagreements, not the deep dark crevice of abuse.

    If only I could go back into the warm embrace of family…

    I wonder what is worse, knowing there is no family to return to or being estranged…and is it the same?

    Why is it that I want more from family; than it seems others do?  Why am I not settling for the plausible reasons for their behavior? 

    I looked up "Plausible" to see what it truly meant…and was shocked.


    1. Seemingly or apparently valid, likely, or acceptable; credible: a plausible excuse.
    2. Giving a deceptive impression of truth or reliability.
    3. Disingenuously smooth; fast-talking
    Wow. 
    I thought plausible was actually a second choice….that it was a reasonable new option.  That I chose one way and they had a completely new second choice that was also acceptable and credible.  That I chose estrangement and to leave abuse, while they found a valid way to stay in the family.
    Who knew that plausible was giving a deceptive impression of the truth or reliability?
    Yet I knew by how I felt.  
    Their actions have never felt right by me.
    Plausible is a way of talking to me that hides their truth.
    I wonder if they have used plausible for actions by my parents?  If they have a plausible family even?
     
    Plausible isn't a reliable second choice, but rather a way of distorting the truth.
    I am stunned by this…and yet affirmed.
    Plausible is disingenuously smooth…fast talking.  What comes to mind is a snake oil salesman. 
    "If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is."  
    What is sad or not even plausible is to create a family out of an abusive one….to make null and void actions that have done irrevocable damage…to make up a plausible excuse.
    I am not sure what is more damaging the original sin or the plausible story that follows…
    It seems very little are standing with their actions or are reliable witnesses to their own deeds…and feel that I am gullible enough to hear a plausible story and not see their action.
    Knowing the true definition of plausible has made me more confident of my walking. I do labor at times with my knowing in how it seems so severe and relentless…but if I did not, abuse would become plausible love.

     

  • Surrounded by blackness.

    I had a restless night.  I was awake in dreams out of control, where my body was overtaken by emotions of incapacitated movements…but I rode them out, awake while dreaming.

    I heard and felt the rumble and pulse of being overcome and withstood the roaring and muscle freezing energy and then felt it weaken and fall away.  

    The quarter moon was out my window and if I saw the moon, I knew I was awake in being awake and not awake in the dream of being awake.

    I know this will not make sense to many, but it was empowering to not be over run by a terror dream, but witness to it.

    I fell back into this terror emotion dream a few times…and tried to stay awake long enough to not fall back into the same state again, but failed.

    I recall the pulse and fast flow of my blood as it surged…ready to take flight or fight…it was like getting an inner body view of terror.  And, the train like sound as it roared at me, coming unbidden and unwelcome, yet blasting into my restfulness and completely overtaking my body, BUT not my awareness.  I was awake and did not succumb to the roiling blood flow. I remained a witness.

    I awoke to wonder what was the significance of that dream?  

    It was weird to see these terror feelings come from nowhere and to disappear and for me to be affected by it, for I felt it all, but also to remain detached.

    I also had dreams where I was shown how I was mistreating others unintentionally and then how others were aware.  Like I had misplaced a child and adults were waiting with her, reluctant to give her back, like I was the unfit mother…and I wasn't aware, aware that I was the one who lost her, and not she who lost me.

    It was an odd night.

    Yet not so odd.  I have been tossing around in my head my walking away, my estrangement and my lack of reconnection, my setting boundaries and standing firm. The life after walking away from abuse and how it impacts and echoes…

    It appears that my line in the sand is cement and others are free to dabble in old relationships seemingly 'more' loving than I.

    There is no rule book for estrangement, or at least none that I have found…and yet the family rule book appears large and rule-less…

    Family rule trumps and supercedes all actions of reality, it seems to have a separated life and view of reality where plausible will overtake rational thought.

    I get confused as to where I am standing and why, when others have leaky boundaries and step over and under them from time to time…and I, like a stubborn mule, remain behind my line.

    Perhaps the emotions of the dream are the emotions I would feel if a leak sprung in my line; where all the abuse in its distortion will come rushing in and overtake my life.

    I have no desire to go into the swirling waters of distortion…it is the undertow that lies beneath "Family" in abusive homes.  Underneathe the label brother/sister/mother/father lies a vortex… 

    A vortex of energies that carries no markers of love.  It is the terror grip of no control…a prison void of awareness.

    It is this sinkhole of blackness that keeps me away…where reality and clarity are not welcome… only the distorted feel at home here.

    In the bright light of morning…I feel assured.  I would rather be alone, than to be plunged back into that sea…where I would lose my self, my awareness, my peace, my love, my life…and the freedom to be me.


    IMG_9595
    This is a small piece I worked on yesterday, inspired by the border in Fran Passerello's quilt.  I love the idea of bring creative inspiration to the borders.  It ironically or not depicts great motion and color surrounded by blackness.


     

     

  • Failing in Seeing Reality

    Is life lived in the intentions, with the actions or in their outcome?  Where does reality bloom or how can we discern the value of the intentions from their literal outcome?

    What I am noticing is that in abusive families, the intentions more often than not, do not deliver the favored outcome or an outcome aligned with their intentions.

    And, I also believe that most who come from the distorted reality of abuse, believe that IF their intentions were wholly, then regardless of the outcome, they themselves cannot be held accountable.  They see themselves only by their intentions and not by the consequences of them.

    (I did go and look up the word Wholly. "Wholly – Entirely; fully.")

    Reality seems to change depending whether you are focusing on the intentions rather than the outcome.

    To me, IF my intentions are to be loving, but you feel hurt, than I am not loving you, regardless of my intent.

    There is no doubt, that in my life, I have lived with wholly intentions that had terrible outcomes…and yet, I felt righteously right, for I knew my intentions. Yet, I was blind to the affects my active intentions had on others…let alone on me.

    If you view the intentions of abusive families, their intentions are to love.  They are not trying to hurt or deliver pain…or to annihilate individual feelings, yet they do.

    In fact, I bet that most families mired in abuse, are totally unaware that their love hurts.  And, they will fight and holler and scream and profess deeply and ardently their love.  What they fail to appreciate is how their intentions fail to deliver their intended feelings of love.

    This has to be the fine line of contention between a loving family and an abusive one, the lack of actually delivering love.

    My mother will claim her undying love for me, yet her actions failed to match her intentions.  Her letters always state how much she loved/loves me.  And yet, she was not able to do what love would do.

    So again, if her intentions were wholly; fully love, does it really matter the outcome?

    I say yes.  

    For her intentions were to be loving, yet she failed in doing the hardest thing love does.  

    What does love do when someone abuses your child?

    Does love forgive the abuser?

    Is it possible to have loving feelings for both the abuser and the abused?

    Her intentions of loving everyone, had consequences….dire ones.

    What is the cornerstone of abuse, is the lack of being a responsible lover, of failing to carryout actions of love.  Instead, no boundaries are erected, no relationships are severed, nothing changes.  Abuse has no consequences in a dysfunctional home.

    Even the wide variety of helping actions towards my father are not seen as being supportive of an abuser. They will each tell you of their honorable intentions, failing to see the consequences to themselves and others.

    My goal in the past 8 years is to see how, what I do, DOES  affect others and how am I contributing to or not promoting abuse.

    Isn't the road to hell paved with good intentions?

    Perhaps the abusive family lives in intentions and bases their confidence there, rather than in the collateral damage in its wake.

    It is like there are two drastically different viewpoints of our family….intentions and outcomes.

    And, I believe that many feel, that if their intentions were not cruel or harmful, then they are not 'bad' people.  They want to see gleeful enthusiasm of ill intent…which is absent in many abusive homes.  

    It is like Patrick Carnes writes about in The Betrayal Bond, "There is always something kind, noble or redeeming about someone who has betrayed you. Victims of betrayal will hold on those good things even while the world crashes around them. By holding on they stay stuck…"

    What most in my family are doing is holding on the to the good…which is normal in betrayal bonds. Seeing the bad, but giving it logical reasons and justifications.

    My father's history lends itself to laying the foundation for my father's actions.  Just because I understand them doesn't mean he is guilt free.

    Most in my family are acting out according to the bonds of betrayal. I don't feel betrayed by them, although I used to.  Now, I understand that coming from whence they came, they are behaving perfectly.

    They will continue to reap what they sow…not their intentions but the consequences of their actions.  Failing to see the consequences of their actions is to fail in seeing reality.

    "We must always hold truth, as we can best determine it, to be more important, more vital to our self-interest than our comfort.  Conversely, we must always consider our personal discomfort relatively unimportant, and indeed, even welcome it in the service for truth. Mental health is an ongoing process of dedication to reality at all costs."    M. Scott Peck, The Road Less Traveled…

     

     

  • Relieved From Being Grounded

    I am reading Pema Chodron's book, "Taking a Leap: Freeing Ourselves from Old Habits and Fears.

    She writes,

    "There are many ways to discuss ego, but in essence it's what I've been talking about.  It's the experience of never being present.  There is a deep-seated tendency, it's almost a compulsion, to distract ourselves, even when we're not consciously feeling uncomfortable. There's a background hum of edginess, boredom, restlessness. As I've said, during my time in retreat where there were almost no distractions, even there I experienced this deep uneasiness."

    "The Buddhist explanation is that we feel this uneasiness because we're always trying to get ground under our feet and it never quite works.  We're always looking for a permanent reference point, and it doesn't exist. Everything is impermanent. Everything is always changing – fluid, unfixed, and open.  Nothing is pin-down-able the way we'd like it to be. This is not actually bad news, but we all seem to be programmed for denial.  We have absolutely no tolerance for uncertainty."

    "It seems that insecurity is ego's reaction to the shifting nature of reality. We tend to find the groundlessness of our fundamental situation extremely uncomfortable. Virtually everybody knows this basic insecurity, and often we experience it as horrible. With me in that  same three-year retreat was a woman with whom I'd once been close friends. Something had happened between us, though, and I felt now that she hated me.  We were in a very small building together, we had to pass each other in the narrow corridors, and there was no way to get away from each other.  She was very angry and wouldn't talk to me, and that brought up feelings of profound helplessness. My usual strategies were not working.  I was continually feeling pain of no reference point, no confirmation. The ways I had always used to feel secure and in control had fallen apart.  I tried all the techniques I had been teaching for years, but nothing worked."

    "So one night, since I couldn't sleep, I went up to the meditation hall, and sat all through the night.  I was just sitting with raw pain with almost no thoughts about it. Then something happened: I had a completely clear insight that my whole personality, my whole ego-structure, was based on not wanting to go to this groundless place.  Everything I did, the way I smiled, the way I talked to people, the way I tried to please everybody – it was all to avoid feeling this way.  I realized our whole facade, the little song and dance we all do, is all based on trying to avoid the groundlessness that permeates our lives."

    "By learning to stay, we become very familiar with this place, and gradually, gradually, it loses its threat.  Instead of scratching, we stay present. We're no longer invested in constantly trying to move away from insecurity. We think that facing our demons is reliving some traumatic event or discovering for sure that we're worthless. But, in fact, it is just abiding with the uneasy, disquieting sensation of nowhere-to-run and finding that – guess what?- we don't die; we don't collapse.  In fact, we feel profound relief and freedom."  Pema

    Isn't it interesting to see her view point of ego, of not wanting to feel the unease of living groundless and changing.  The part of us that wants to ground your life in a certain feeling is the only one with the trouble, for feelings are moving….and changing, and life is not stuck in one spot….even though often it seems like our lives are stuck, we only imagine they are.

    I was lucky to have experienced the free falling, feeling of no ground, and panic…only to find that that is the true nature of living.  

    "This too shall pass…" is the state of being.  Being present is to get used to feeling the static uneasy and not find a permanent reference point.  We want to hold onto something that will NEVER change!  And that alone, is impossible.  Somehow, we have grabbed onto addictions and habits that we believe will bring us permanence, when the only thing permanent is our habitual actions…while life hums along groundlessly changing beneath us.

    We grow old, people die, fall out of love, into love, feel sad, feel happy, it moves and ebbs and flows and we pile layers of habit on top…focusing only on that, believing life lives there….it is only a camouflage over life.  Ego I guess lives in habit, while our souls thrive in ever changing uncertainty….free and relieved from being grounded.



  • My Little Girl Inside.

    The book, "The Betrayal Bond" by Patrick Carnes is full of insightful passages into the dynamics and intricacies in the journey of abuse.  Incredible in the trajectory of our lives, by our bond with our abuser.

    A bond that isn't consciously formed or even visible…yet its magnetic force field lives our lives for us…like an addict, we are drawn.

    While I know I have witnessed the insane attraction; it leaves me breathless in the way it was constructed…and how we appear powerless and hopeless as we dance bonded to the one who betrayed us.

    What I failed to appreciate was the addictive aspects AND the strength of the bond…even though I have felt its strength not only in myself but in others.

    It appears to be a lightly made choice to be loyal to a family member, while masquerading as their drug of choice.

    What I had felt and even tried to articulate was that my drug was my family.  It seemed like a complete juxtaposition, but my wellness depended upon me breaking that bond.

    A bond that was formed and created from the toxic combination of kindness and abuse.

    I have more respect for a married man to ask a woman (not his wife) for a date, rather than to groom and smoothly subtly court himself into an affair.  For clearly the woman would be aghast to be asked out by a married man….but, a 'friendship' that is slowly brewed is not so easily detected as the dance of a courtship with a married man.  His 'kindness' has an agenda…which is the mask that hides his betrayal.

    The bond that is created is laced with kindness while injected with abuse.

    The betrayal is when the 'kindness' isn't what it is was set out to be…

    The grooming and courtship that most abusers put out first is the bond…a bond of trust, faith and love…and it is made to withstand the abuse.  They not only rely and depend upon it, but will shame you for pointing out their 'faults'…when there is so much more 'kindness' than the one small infraction.

    Just as my father's supporters rallied and presented his hardworking ways, his never asking for anything for himself, for supporting financially his 14 children by clothing and feeding us.  Failing to bring in the cost of his abuse towards his daughters and the consequences for all who lived in his home.

    The bond isn't that that abuse is laced with kindness, but rather the opposite. There first is formed a kindness that appears to be solid gold…and then a small speck of abuse is added.  

    What most will fail to bring into their awareness IS that this kindness and trust gathering, confidence building, faithful courtship HAS to be in place first…in order for their abuse to happen.

    Abusers are the master manipulators in setting us up. Setting things up.  Working the landscape for their benefit.  It isn't about us, but themselves.

    There was one key question I thought, well actually many in this book, but one that stood out.  Who would it affect most and how, if you broke off the relationship?

    Isn't that an interesting question?

    Especially when you look at the toll it has taken on your life.

    How would your life be better without this relationship…?

    Looking back at my life, I can clearly see the cost it had on my life to remain in a relationship with my father and my mother…as well as many of my siblings.

    What wasn't so clear to me was the betrayal bonds that I had and how they were like addictions and how hard it was to break free of them and be in peace, love and joy.

    The inability to be free… was the huge key in knowing I was bonded.

    Here are a few signs he writes about whether trauma bonds exist in your life.

    "when you obsess abut people who have hurt you and they are long gone (obsess means to be preoccupied, fantasize about and wonder about even though you do not want to)

    when you continue to seek contact with people whom you know will cause you further pain

    when you go "overboard" to help people who have been destructive to you

    when you continue being a "team" member when obviously things are becoming destructive

    when you continue attempts to get people who are clearly using you to like you

    when you again and again trust people who have proved to be unreliable

    when you ae unable to distance yourself from unhealthy relationships

    when you want to be understood by those who clearly do not care

    when you choose to stay in conflict with others when it would cost you nothing to walk away

    when you persist in trying to convince people that there is a problem and they are not willing to listen

    when you are loyal to people who have betrayed you

    when you keep damaging secrets about exploitation or abuse

    when you continue contact with an abuser who acknowledges no responsibility

    He also goes on to write….

    "Trauma Bonds as Addictive"

    "How do trauma bonds become addictive?  The answer is in the same way other addictions work.  The criteria for addiction are the following."

    1. Compulsivity: loss of the ability to choose freely whether to stop or continue a behavior

    2. Continuation of the behavior despite adverse consequences such as loss of health, job, marriage, or freedom

    3. Obsession with the behavior

    What I didn't know, is that being in relationships with those who abused you was an addiction itself.  I however, felt the pull and hardship as I exited the relationships.

    It was like a withdrawl from a very strong substance, AND like an alcoholic, I wasn't allowed one little sip or taste and I felt it would have me falling off the wagon.  

    I quit smoking over 23 year years ago, and in that time I have not put a cigarette to my lips nor take even one drag….for that is all it would take to have me bonded to the butts again.

    I feel the same way about the engagement with my abusive family…

    Just as I understood the harmful consequences of smoking, I also now know the abject impact those relationships would have on my life.

    And, the cost is just way too high.

    What I would lose the most is my inner sense of peace, love and joy for my self, my soul and my essence.  I would betray the very soul of me.

    Knowing this keeps me away.

    I am not willing to sacrifice any part of me to be once again pulled into the tangled web of abuse laced with kindness.  What a deadly combination.

    You want the kindness…but it comes trailing abuse.

    I had said in the very early days of finding out my father was a pedophile, of knowing it to the depth of my being….to pick one. The father or the pedophile.

    The kindness or the abuse.

    What I would say, is that it is a pretend kindness for running unchecked and out of control is the call of abuse, the desire and addiction to take what he wants without regard to the cost it will leave behind on the victim.

    A married man doesn't see his wife, his kids or even the woman he is cheating with, all he sees is himself.  A pedophile doesn't see beyond his tortured desires. 

    I was the complete opposite of these two….I didn't see my own needs.

    Again, the questions "Who will suffer the most when the relationship ends?"

    Surely not the person who is being hurt the most…but rather the one who gained the most at its inception.

    While it appeared that I lost a lot by leaving so many relationships behind, I was actually gaining one that I had never even seen.  My relationship with me.

    Martha Beck in her book "Finding Your Way In A Wild New World" writes about how we have each have a purpose for our lives and all things will serve that purpose.

    In the past, my purpose was to please my abusers….to perhaps promote and contribute to their lives and happiness, while disregarding mine.  I was a people pleaser without a core value to call my own.

    I also recall very early on putting out a decree "I will go forth with Love, Peace and Joy".

    In all my choices from that moment on had to feel right by me.

    They had to match those feelings inside of me.  If, I felt at all twitchy or anxious, that was the wrong choice FOR me.

    That is how the bond was broken.  I made a bond with my spirit; my little girl inside.





  • Reconnected with my Soul.

    I wondered about knowing your own self worth…is it possible to be full of great wisdom, love, compassion, caring, etc and not know it?  Can a person really not see themselves and their gifts?  Where does self worth come from and how is it so easily overlooked?

    What is self worth?  Is it to see your self with your own eyes and can you do this objectively, or is there a flimy residue of past neglect covering you up?

    I have read that children see themselves through their parent's eyes….(in Alice Miller's books). That how our mother's look at us, is how we learn to see ourselves.

    Is that true?

    But, I also have witnessed people who were abused, and how they see themselves as only valuable when they are 'in use' by others. That they themselves have very little use for themselves in their own life. Their value lies strictly in how much other people need them.

    So, if you come from a very self absorbed mother who didn't see you, you will not see your self either.  And, if your father abused you, HE seen you as his desire…not yours.

    I just wonder when or how we get to our own view of self?

    What has to happen before we can see our own self worth?

    I guess for me, it was when I could clearly see I wasn't seen.

    I felt completely worthless in their eyes.

    I was reduced to nothing.

    I then had to re-build myself.

    My sense of self worth was an inside job and often times I was rediculed by others, and hollered at for choices I made while creating a self that was worth something.

    Even today, this self I now have, isn't always accepted or appreciated or even liked, by others, let alone understood, but inside, the way I see me…I like me.  I love my strength and convictions, my knowings and my feelings.  I am a peace with who I am.  I feel worthy, being me.

    My old view was with my mother's eyes and my worth, was how I was used…and I discovered I was solely used by her to keep her story going, to keep her 'family' together, to keep abuse far and wide from our lives, while abuse worked behind the scenes stealing the worth of each and every child.

    My mother had wrote about me, "Picking up the stragglers" in our family….like my task was to make things 'right' after the damage was done, to fix things, to make them okay again.  And, if I failed, I wasn't giving enough, trying hard enough, doing enough.

    I recall one night laying in my bed and feeling the enormity of their (my parent's) damage, how it not only affect our lives, but our childrens lives.  How it was so far beyond my reach of fixing…sobbing, shaking to the point of losing it, I let it all go.

    Let go of my responsibility for fixing the mess I did not create.

    I disappeared…for I was shown how helpless I really was…without a use. 

    Not only was I abused, but I wasn't going to be able to fix anyone…

    Abuse's insidious energy had completely overwhelmed our family….leaving behind worthless feelings, rising against guilt and shame.  And yet, they (siblings) rallied on, working to make their family right by not seeing yet again…or seeing it through my mother's eyes.

    The cycle completes itself.  Children who are not seen, will not see their children.

    Children who are not seen have no value…unless they are fixing their parents lives.

    This spinning hurricane of worthlessness not stopping…just seemingly to gain more energy as they worked to keep our family 'right'.

    While they were busy shoring up my father's/mother's life, they neglected to see, yet again, their own.

    Their sense of self worth is extracted by what they do for others…never minding at what cost to themselves.

    My journey could be classified with this quote,  "The path into light seems dark, the path forward seems indirect, the direct path seems long…the greatest love seems indifferent, the greatest wisdom seems childish."

    Is the journey recovering your own self worth?

    Who is responsible for it?

    Where will you find it?

    How will you know it?

    When I seen my worth in my mother's eyes, I knew how empty I was…I had done very little for me.

    I have spent the last 8 years filling up my self.


    IMG_9450

    For, if your only value is outside of yourself, you can only see you in their eyes.  It will be impossible to see your self, for you eyes are always turned outward to find your worth.

    My own eyes could not see me.  I only judged me by how others reacted or needed me.  They owned me and gave me value.

    And, coming from dysfunction or abuse or co-dependent living, you will have to disappoint and become value less in their eyes in order to regain your worth.

    "If I gained the world…but, lost the Savior…" comes to mind.  I reconnected with my Soul.



  • Your Life Lessons.

    Did you know that we don't all feel the same? Well, we all feel fear as fear, but what we fear is where the differences lie.

    And, we learn to fear things by experiences.  Our spectrum or knowledge of fear is based upon how often we had to learn what to fear by being hurt first.

    This is not something that can be taught second hand, it is first hand experiential learning.  It will require you to walk along, believing you are safe and okay, until you are not.  

    We each get to walk out into many different relationships and experiences with full trust and faith, until something happens.  It is this happening, where learning is learned.

    I did not know that feelings were taught and grown lesson by lesson…and they are completely personal.  We can give a heads up, but a believing person has faith and trust that the path they are on is 'different' than my lesson.  

    That even if there are clues and facts that appear similar to my old road, theirs will be the exception…theirs will be the one in a million chance of turning out good, against all odds.

    Yet, I can't picture a world without this faith, trust and believability.  It is called youth…the young folk and Hope.

    What I also have great faith in, is that there is a line in everyone's life, that when it is crossed, their feelings will change.  We can't know where the line is or sometimes even what the line is, but it is lying there hidden, until exposed.

    When something happens, it changes the course we were on…our feelings change and we course correct.

    Somehow, I forget this in the lives of my adult children.  I forget that they are learning life. They are finding the lines in their lives…the boundaries.

    What I as a Mother want, is to spare my children pain, suffering and heartache and hurt…but it would be to stop them from learning about life.  

    It does seem though, that some are on a fast track of learning…and are putting themselves in very vulnerable positions…with their hearts wide open full of trust and faith…believing.

    The perfect student pose.

    I didn't know that watching your children learn could be so difficult to watch.

    In order to be a fully emotional being, with courage and strength, you have to get in the middle of some very messy life lessons….to go in deep completely wide open.

    Ugh.

    The only way for me to survive is to know that broken hearts are strong hearts….and wise beyond their years.  Wisdom doesn't come into our lives via the easy road or on the one most traveled.  It often arrives amidst betrayal and deceit…or on needy self absorbed charmers.

    We don't learn by what we do, but more often by what is done to us.

    How I feel about a certain event and how you feel about the same event, will depend upon the scars from your life lessons.


  • Patterns in one Family

    What is a healthy mother daughter relationship? What is my business and what is theirs? When does a healthy mother get involved and when does she stay away? What is balance or what causes imbalance?  What is concern and what is meddling? When is it controlling and when is it being caring?

    Coming from utter neglect, I am having troubles either over stepping or not stepping at all.  I swing from either pole…but can't seem to find that delicate step on the sweet spot of middle.

    Where it honors each of us, but isn't blind.

    Where it is involved, but not overpowering.

    Where love is expressed and concern is shown…and freedom lies.

    And, is it my delivery or is it in the receiving?

    Is it better to see and address things that you see are out of kilter or is it better to be silent in a forced peace?

    Is it possible to be four different moms with four different kids, or am I the same mom with four different responses?

    Am I just me and Me feels different depending upon where you are standing?

    Or, do I change how I mother with each kid?

    Or even more, do I change how I mother in different situations?

    Is my history of neglect more transparent in certain situations and less in others?

    Am I more acutely aware in places where I detect abuse, than in places where there is none?

    Do I become an uncompromising mom when I detect toxic energy?

    I am finding it hard to find reasonable…or hard to know when to push forward and when to back off?

    My mothering slope is quite steep or very low…..and I swing from Caring Less to Over Caring.

    Is there a spot called perfect caring?

    A place where trust and faith and love live…

    My mothering model goes from controlling and conditional, to caring less into a dark pit of who cares.

    It always seems like I slide swiftly by reason and plunge directly into being left in the cold…or being completely responsible and controlling about things I have no control over.

    It is like my tool box of mother is filled with extreme and limited responses…and what would come natural is very unnatural for me.

    I have to will myself back to reason…while not knowing what reason is?

    Like hunting for a certain place, yet not knowing what it is…and then camping there unknowning if it is the middle.  It could be just a tad out of neglect….or it could be closer to the middle, I never seem to know.

    My inner gauge has been tampered with.

    Its readings are not quite right.

    So, I mostly error in over compensation…which I am sure feels like smothering or being in their business.

    And, what is the business of mother child? 

    How much is reasonable to share and what becomes intrusive?

    How do you discern the lines of reason?

    What is a mother's role as their children enter into adulthood?

    When do you back away or do you?

    I have witnessed the backing out, until there is no relationship, but a holiday one. Is that considered normal?  Am I expecting and being unreasonable to want more?

    What is so extremely hard is finding the healthy balance coming from such imbalance and not over stepping into another unhealthy spot of being overpowering.

    It is like Neglect is on one pole and Control on the other….and I have to find the middle of the road.

    To not control, but to allow….but not allow in a careless way.

    To set up standards, but not have rules…or conditions, yet have them.

    It seems like mothering is asking the impossible….to lead but not lead….to allow, but not allow.  To know when to say when and when not to say when.

    It is the damned if you do and your damned if you don't.

    But, looking back at my own experience of being mothered.  I feel that she failed me in not responding when she should have.

    She didn't respond when abuse stepped in.

    She acted like it was all okay.

    Like I was not in danger, while I was.

    Like I was okay when I was not.

    So, I am trying to mother with the aid of reality. To, at the bare mininum, respond to what I see, hear and feel.  To be aware of my children's lives WHEN they go off balance.

    It is like we are all humming along, until one slips….and slides away. AND, then I become involved.  But, am I too involved?  Is it possible to be too caring as one is slipping off center?

    I am sure, at some point, a mother has to let them go. To allow them to slip off center and then to climb back on…in their own time….or not at all.

    I just find it so maddening to see, accept and have to surrender and to allow….one of my kids to be off center.

    Is it unreasonable to want or expect children to be perfectly balanced in their lives…especially coming from whence they came.  I am one of the factors that tipped them off the line of self balance.

    So, how now, can I help them get back?

    How do I actively help bring them back to their center and self empowerment?

    What is my role?

    Is it helpful to show where they are off….or is it more helpful to ignore it?

    And, is it even possible for me to pretend to pretend that I don't see them off their game?

    And, do I have to support their imbalance?

    Am I not allowed to be a mother who wants above all else for my children to be balanced, strong, centered, empowered?

    And yet, it is their lives, they are allowed to live anywhere upon the spectrum.

    My goal as a mom or maybe as a woman, was to find my own center…maybe, okay not maybe, but I guess I don't have the right to tell them where their center is.

     We may not match in the end.

    They my find it being more comfortable to be off center. They may find love and happiness way off their center.  

    I tipped them….when I didn't allow them free will…in their early days.  I set this pattern in motion.

    Now, I get to live with watching the consequences of this manifest in their lives…in varying degrees.  

    It is being aware of your legacy being lived out….and sadly, even if I have changed my pattern, they may not decide or want to change theirs.

    I raised them to be off center…when I was off center…so they would match me.

    As a mother, I did damage.

    As a mother, I changed.

    Like one of my daughters said, "We have had two moms without going through a divorce."  But, that leaves me in a strange land.  Some will match my old self and some will match my new….when, how and If, it is all up to them.

    Complicated to have two patterns in one family.