I M Perfect lady

Category: Crusade

  • Your Own Feelings

    Below is today's reading by Mark Nepo from his book "The book of Awakening"

    The sun doesn't stop shining because people are blind. 

     It is a hard challenge to stay true to ourselves in the face of indifference. Rejection and opposition are painful, but being treated as if you don't exist is quietly devastating. This soft puncture is particularly human. Eagles soar and glide for hours in canyon air, and the fact that no one knows does not lessen their ability to fly. But for us there is a constant elusive heroism in being who we are, especially when we are misunderstood, judged, or ignored. Somehow our need for love gives tremendous power to the opinions of others, and so, we are required to guard against turning our lives over to the expectations of others.

    A great example of hearing one's deeper self is the Spanish painter Goya. Writing about Goya, Andre Malraux tells us that after going deaf in 1792, the painter understood that “to allow his genius to become apparent to himself it was necessary that he should dare to give up aiming to please.” It is both touching and instructive that Goya couldn't fully realize his God-given gifts until he went deaf to the demands of those around him.  Mark Nepo

    What I have realized that we are not taught to stay true to your self.  We are taught to keep our words to ourselves if they are not 'kind'…and to honor thy mother and thy father, no matter what.  

    Staying true to your self in an abusive home is very dangerous, it could lead to more punishment and further neglect and abuse.  It is better to bury your true feelings and expressions and begin living to stay true to what they want.

    How many even know what staying true to you means?  If the only you you have ever known is the one who looks outward in making choices…trying not to disappoint or lose love by the choices they make.

    What if you made choices and were blind to what others thought or said? What if you could move freely believing that they are blind to your choices?  Would they still be the choices you make today?

    In the past, I made no choice or very little choices that would negatively affect another's happiness.  I only moved in ways that didn't ripple lives.

    I believe that the biggest indication of how far off the mark I was from my true self was by the vast changes that happened when I began living my life from the inside out.

    When I became blind and deaf to the outside and turned my full attention to staying true to me.

    I just listened to Joseph Campbell's book, "The Hero with a Thousand Faces" and in it he says that all will be called to the Hero's Journey, but few will answer the call.

    He speaks about how when we fail to answer the call of staying true to ourselves, we will only create more negative.  I believe this.

    I had a lifetime of negative upon negative outcomes based upon my shying away from my true self.

    This gives me great peace to know…that a hero's journey is one that creates positive.  All the negative course corrections that I had to make in order to stay true to me will be completely worth it if I am no longer creating negative karma…or a negative history and legacy.

    Imagine, we can change the world's negative percentage one person at a time…all we have to do is stay true…no longer indifferent to your own feelings.


     

  • I Let It Go…

    In Michael Singer's book, "The Untethered Soul" – The Journey Beyond Yourself, he writes in Chapter 7 "Transcending the Tendency to Close".

    "Since it’s not socially acceptable to run into the woods and hide like a deer, you hide inside. You withdraw, close down, and pull back behind your protective shield. What you are actually doing is closing down your energy centers. Even if you don’t know you have energy centers, you’ve been closing them since kindergarten. You know exactly how to close your heart and put up a psychological protective shield. You know exactly how to close down the centers to avoid being too receptive and sensitive to the different energies coming in and causing fear."


    "When you close down and protect yourself, you are pulling a shell around the part of you that is weak. This is the part that feels it needs protection even though no physical attack is taking place. You are protecting your ego, your self-concept. Although a situation may present no physical danger, it may cause you to experience disturbance, fear, insecurity, and other emotional problems. So you feel the need to protect yourself." 

     

     "The problem is that the part of you that gets disturbed is way out of balance. It’s so sensitive that the slightest little thing causes it to overreact. You are living on a planet spinning around the middle of outer space, and you’re either worrying about your blemishes, the scratch on your new car, or the fact that you burped in public. It’s not healthy. If your physical body were that sensitive, you would say you were sick. But our society considers psychological sensitivities normal. Because most of us don’t have to worry about food, clothing, or shelter, we have the luxury of worrying about a spot on our pants, or laughing too loud, or saying something wrong. Because we’ve developed this hypersensitive psyche, we constantly use our energies to close around it and protect ourselves. But this process only hides the problems; it doesn’t fix them. You’re locking your illness inside yourself, and it will only get worse." 

    "You will get to a point in your growth where you understand that if you protect yourself, you will never be free. It’s that simple. Because you’re scared, you have locked yourself within your house and pulled down all the shades. Now it’s dark and you want to feel the sunlight, but you can’t. It’s impossible. If you close and protect yourself, you are locking this scared, insecure person within your heart. You will never be free that way."  

    "Ultimately, if you protect yourself perfectly, you will never grow. All your habits and idiosyncrasies will stay the same. Life becomes stagnant when people protect their stored issues. People say things like, “You know we don’t talk about that subject around your father.” There are all these rules about things that are not supposed to happen outside because they could cause disturbance inside. Living like this allows for very little spontaneous joy, enthusiasm, and excitement for life. Most people just go from day to day protecting themselves and making sure nothing goes too wrong. At the end of the day, when someone asks, “How was your day?” a normal response is, “Not too bad,” or “I’ll survive.” What is that telling you about their view of life? They see life as a threat. A good day means you made it through without getting hurt. The longer you live like this, the more closed you become. "

    "If you really want to grow, you have to do the opposite. Real spiritual growth happens when there is only one of you inside. There’s not a part that’s scared and another part that’s protecting the part that’s scared. All parts are unified. Because there is no part of you that you’re not willing to see, the mind is no longer divided into the conscious and subconscious. Everything you see inside is just something you see inside. It’s not you; it’s what you see. There is simply the pure energy pouring inside of you that creates the ripples of thoughts and emotions, and there is the consciousness that’s aware of it. There is simply you watching the dance of the psyche."

    "In order to reach this state of awareness, you must let your entire psyche surface. Every little separated piece of it must be permitted to pass through. Right now, many fragmented parts of your psyche are held within you. If you want to be free, it all has to be equally exposed to your awareness and released. But it will never get exposed if you’re closing yourself. After all, the purpose of closing was to make sure that the sensitive parts of your psyche don’t get exposed. So you catch on that no matter how much pain the exposure creates, you are willing to pay that price for freedom. When you are no longer willing to identify with the part of you that is separating itself into a million pieces, you are ready for real growth." 

    "Begin by seeing the tendency to protect and defend yourself. There is a very deep, innate tendency to close, especially around your soft spots. But eventually you will notice that closing creates tremendous work. Once you close, you have to make sure that what you protected doesn’t get disturbed. You then carry this task for the rest of your life. The alternative is to become conscious enough to simply watch the part of your being that is constantly trying to protect itself. You can then give yourself the ultimate gift by deciding not to do that anymore. You decide, instead, to get rid of that part." 

    "You start by watching life and noticing the constant flow of people and situations that hit your stuff every day. How often do you find yourself trying to protect and defend that weak part of you? You feel like the world wants to get right at it. Every place you go there’s someone or something trying to disturb you, trying to get your goat. Why not let them have it? If you don’t really want it, then don’t protect it."

    "The reward for not protecting your psyche is liberation. You are free to walk through this world without a problem on your mind. You are just having fun experiencing whatever happens next. Because you got rid of that scared part of you, you don’t ever have to worry about getting hurt or disturbed. You no longer have to listen to “What will they think of me?” or, “Oh God, I wish I hadn’t said that. It sounded so stupid.” You just go about your business and put your whole being into whatever’s happening, instead of putting your whole being into your personal sensitivity." 

    "Once you’ve made the commitment to free yourself of that scared person inside, you will notice that there is a clear decision point at which your growth takes place. Spiritual growth is about the point at which you start to feel your energy change. For instance, somebody says something, and you start to feel the energy get a little strange inside. You will actually start to feel a tightening. That is your cue that it’s time to grow. It’s not time to defend yourself, because you don’t want the part of you that you would be defending. If you don’t want it, let it go."

    "You will eventually get conscious enough so that the minute you see the energy start getting strange, you stop. You stop getting involved in the energy. If it normally causes you to start talking, you stop talking. You just stop, mid-sentence, because you know where it will go if you continue. The moment you see the energy getting imbalanced inside, the moment you see the heart starting to tense and get defensive, you just stop."  

    "What exactly does it mean “to stop”? It’s something you do inside. It’s called letting go. When you let go, you are falling behind the energy that is trying to pull you into it. Your energies inside have power. They are very strong, and they draw your awareness into them. If a hammer falls on your toe, all your awareness will focus there. If there’s a sudden loud sound, again, all of your awareness will focus there. Consciousness has the tendency to focus on disturbance, and disturbed energies inside are no exception. These disturbed energies will draw your consciousness to them. But you do not have to let this happen. You really do have the ability to disengage and fall back behind them." 

    "When the energies inside start to move, you do not have to go there. For instance, when your thoughts start, you do not have to go with them. Let’s say you’re outside taking a walk and a car drives by. Your thoughts say, “Boy, I wish I had that car.” You could just keep on walking, but instead you start getting upset. You want a car like that, but your salary isn’t high enough. So you begin thinking about how you can get a raise or a different job. You didn’t have to do all that. It could have just been— here comes the car and there it goes, and here comes the thought and there it goes. They’re both gone together because you didn’t go with them. That is what’s called being centered." 

    "If you aren’t centered, your consciousness is just following whatever catches its attention. You see the car drive by and you’re off doing something about it. Another day you see a boat, and then it is all about the boat, and you forget about the car. There are people like that."  Michael Singer

    What I got this time reading this chapter was the fact that what we are protecting Is OUR WEAKEST part.  It isn't like we are protecting our sacred passionate self, but instead it is our fears.  Imagine, we protect and keep our fears inside of us?

    And, when something on the outside or a thought comes along that matches our fears, we tag on and hang on….we are consumed and incapacitated by them.

    What I did find, is that my mind wanted to serve my fears, it wanted to feed them and attend their every need.  And, my body did respond in kind.  It too grew tense and protective and almost curled into itself.

    I had to literally leave a room, tap the surface of something to distract my mind, to bring me back to the present.  Or I had to walk face first into my greatest fear to transform what I feared into what I conquered. 

    You literally have to live with your fears clearly exposed and be willing to have them ruffled and poked….and not respond by protecting them and pulling them in.  You have to leave them outside for everyone to touch….be vulnerable and not protective.

    To live fully exposed and open to all the emotions of life…

    I love how he says, when you are protecting your weakness, you are keeping it inside of you.  I released all my weaknesses.  I used to live protecting and keeping all my fears and terrors inside.  Now, I live keeping all the negative outside of me…I want my inside to be calm, peaceful and filled with joy.

    When a negative or fearful thought comes in….I let it go…


     


     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • People who are indifferent.

    "Indifference enables everything that is bad."  Elie Wiesel

    I highly recommend watching the interview Oprah had with Elie on her Soul Series…you can watch on Oprah.com.

    What Elie says, "Indifference and passiveness is worse than hatred, it enables everything that is bad."

    This is what I feel to the depth of my being.  It isn't that there is evil in the world or folks doing bad things, but that there is another huge segment of the population doing nothing…they are passive and indifferent, frozen.  And it is this indifference and passive response, that ENABLES EVERYTHING THAT IS BAD.

    Whether it be within the structure of church and family, if you know and do nothing, you are enabling evil.  Indifference is the inertia; the glue that allows evil the wide open spaces to play.  Not enough people are caring to make a difference.

    If we would only get that it is indifference that makes evil expand.  

    I looked up the word Indifference.  "Lack of interest, concern, or sympathy; "his pretended indifference to criticism".

    What does it mean if you lack interest and concern about others suffering?

    It isn't about the bad being done, but that you lack the concern about the ones who are suffering or have suffered.

    I have tasted this indifference and its flavor leaves you feeling that nobody cares.

    That you don't matter enough…your life wasn't worthy.

    I know, that the acts that my father committed were dimmed by the indifference of so many.

    This is what stayed with me.  How could so many know and do nothing?

    In my small example compared to what Elie has to write about, I too have found it hard to understand the silence.  It is the silence he says, he can't forgive.  And yet he has not lost the faith and hope in man.

    Nor have I.

    He wrote a new book titled, "Open Heart" and it is on my book list.   

    He says "Think higher and feel deeper"...perhaps this is the way to lessen the indifference.  For I believe that for every evil act, there stands many people who are indifferent.

    "To listen to a witness, is to become a witness."  Elie Wiesel


  • I am Lucky

    I am reading books by the Author Mary Pipher…and the one I picked up at the Library is "Writing to Change the World".  It is a small book with writing insights that I am finding interesting.  I skimmed around and found this.

    "America is deeply ambivalent about its change agents.  Simply put, we tend to like them after they die. To most Americans, "radical" is a negative word, and even "reformer" evokes our cultural uncertainty about systemic changes.  On the other hand, we tend to like rebels and outlaws, just so long as they don't really challenge the status quo."

    "Jesus exemplifies our confused attitudes about radicals.  Tot he entrenched, greedy powers of His time, He was a real troublemaker.  He was a pacifist who disdained the wealthy and religious hypocrites, and He befriended prostitutes and beggars.  Yet for two thousand years, He has been revered. Still, if He were writing and preaching today, most likely He would be regarded as a subversive and a kook."

    "In the upside-down world of America today, our culture's dysfunctional message is that healthy people accept the world as it is. We are taught that problems are pervasive and insolvable, and that we are powerless. Also, we hear that only radical nuts or quixotic fuzzy-brains work for social and political change.  Yet powerlessness produces despair in people and stagnation in cultures.  Throughout history, it has been the strong people who have endeavored to make their communities better.  Healthy people act."

    "In my opinion, true rebels are not anguished, angry individuals mired since adolescence in their own complaints and needs for individuation. True rebels act from a well-developed moral center. They know who they are and what they stand for. Most likely, they are fighting for something that they have spent a lifetime learning to love."

    "Buddhist Thich Nhat Hanh wrote that the ocean of suffering is immense, but that if we turn around we can see the land.  True rebels have had at least a glimpse of land, and they want to lead others to it.  Too, most change agents are not saints. If we wait for the saints to save the world, it will be too late.  What changes agents have in common is their need to use their own gifts to help others."  Mary Pipher

    Isn't it interesting to wonder how change happens?  Who is it that upsets the status quo?  How change doesn't happen via the saints…but rather the rebels…and how they are liked more dead than alive.  

    I see me as the rebel in the family, and I truly believe that I am operating from a well-developed and moral center.  I am fighting for something I love.  Family.

    I am not just out here wrecking things to be wrecking things.

    I am stomping around in fury at the impassive nature of accepting that the problems are pervasive and insolvable, when I know different.

    I am standing up for family and against abuse.  I know you can rescue a family from the legacy of abuse, but you will have to endure many many changes and lose sight of the once familiar shore.  It is possible.

    I had a brother more or less say, that abuse is everywhere, so does it really matter which church or where you go?   Really, so then what?  Are you really not willing to learn where it most likely travels and divert your family?  What are you doing to educate your self so that you can teach your children?  Are you just sitting back and waiting for the luck of the draw…that maybe, they will one of the lucky 3 that don't get molested, raped etc?  

    It is like waiting for evil to arrive…and setting out the doormat.

    Accepting the statistics, without challenging them, seems like such a defeatist attitude. A victims role…waiting for your luck to run out.

    What gets me riled up is the attitude that it is everywhere, in every religion and community, that no one church is more susceptible than any other…or that just because it was in my parents families, it doesn't mean it will find its way into mine.

    It is the ignorance as to how abuse works that keeps me writing and talking.  It is how many are not knowing who is more susceptible than others.  It is your relying upon the luck of the draw instead of actually making changes within your life to ward of the blows of evil.

    What many feel is that this 'evil' will come in via a stranger….hence, "stranger danger" is being taught.  And that they may escape by being lucky.  And, will try and eliminate the encounters with strangers.

    What if, like the statistics show, that 90% of the abuse is from someone you know and 50% of that is from a family member. Where then would you need to become more vigilant?  With Family and friends, right?  What precautions can you take? What actions are you willing to do to reduce the numbers of abuse happening?

    How well do you know your family and friends?

    I see the fight against abuse as many willing to fight the 10% of the statistics….strangers.  They are willing to make a stand against a stranger, but when it comes to family….well, family is family and sister is a sister no matter what. That you can't heal by cutting yourself from the family. That is just total insanity….and so goes the 'fight' against family abuse.

    Where 90% of abuse lives, very few are standing against it, which is why the numbers continue to flourish and rise.

    I am not embraced within the family, due to my harsh boundaries and lines I draw. A good moral code for strangers perhaps, but that shouldn't be used on family.

    Family gets to escape the harsh critical eye…it gets to ride along on the good times…you are to forgive and forget for the sake of the family unit.  No point in wrecking a 'good' family.  

    Wouldn't we all be good if we didn't look or acknowledge our mistakes? And, Is someone really good, just because we choose not to see and act upon their negative behavior?  

    I am seen as being difficult and judging, for seeing and responding to negative behavior. That I am the problem…not that there is a problem.  As long as you put your anger and stand agains me, you will save your family.

    Families will continue being destroyed by abuse as long as we fail to look at the family.  It seems totally insane to not look.  To not look and respond….but hope for and pray to be 'lucky'…while you are sitting in the midst of evil.

    It is like hoping there is no snow while sitting on a snowbank.

    The real lucky ones are the ones who can see the abuse and respond in kind.  

    I am lucky.






    You will have to become a troublemaker not a pacifist.

    I love that the strong and healthy, are the ones who are endeavoring to make our communities, and I will add families, better.

    It shows me that change, real change happens with the rebels.  I love how saints are not change agents.  



  • I no longer play this game.

    From Facebook, "Abuse No More"…

    The list of rules that the sociopath/narcissist expects his /her target to live by…

    1. I can say anything I like. You are not allowed to say anything unless you are sure it will not offend me. (Hint: Praise/compliments).
    2. I can do anything I want. You are not allowed to do anything unless you are sure I will like it.
    3. You must call me regularly to see how I am and give me attention. I never have to call you, unless I need something.
    4. You have to respect me. I do not have to respect you. And I don’t.
    5. I am allowed to lie about you. You are not allowed to tell the truth about me.
    6. I am allowed to lie about you, to make you look bad. You MUST lie about me, to make me look GOOD.
    7. I am the only one allowed to get angry. You are not allowed to get angry.
    8. I am the only one allowed to have “hurt feelings.” You are not allowed to have hurt feelings.
    9. I am the only one allowed to feel “insulted.” You are not allowed to feel insulted.
    10. I can falsely accuse you of doing things you never did, and you are not allowed to make a liar out of me by defending yourself.
    11. You are not allowed to expose me and reveal the things I really DID do. You must cover up what I do and say and keep it a secret.
    12. You are never allowed to complain. That’s MY job.
    13. You are never allowed to confront me. I’m the only one who is allowed to confront anybody.
    14. I can make faces at you, scowl, roll my eyes, and sneer, but you’d better not look at me “funny,” or even smile at me.
    15. I can stop speaking to you, but you are not allowed to stop speaking to me.
    16. I can disown you, but you do not have the right to walk away from me.
    17. When I’m ready un-disown you, you have to take me back and start talking to me again, with no further discussion of whatever caused our “rift.” You have no choice in the matter. I am the only one who has a choice.
    18. I can “vent” to other people about you, but you must suffer in silence.
    19. I can tell everybody the things you “did to” me, but you are not allowed to tell anybody the things I did to you.
    20. You are not allowed to have any opinion that differs from mine.
    21. You must agree with everything I say, but I am allowed to criticize and degrade the things you say.
    22. I have no sense of humor when it comes to me. You must take me very seriously, but I am allowed to mock you and even laugh in your face.
    23. If you don’t know why I’m mad, you better figure it out, because I’m not going to tell you.
    24. If another person upsets me, you’d BETTER take my side and confront and shun them. If another person upsets YOU, good for them. You deserve it.
    25. I know everything, you know nothing.
    26. You are weak and inferior. I am a superior being, and you must always acknowledge that and never forget your place.
    27. You have no freedom to even think independently. I have all the freedom.
    28. Your job is to take care of my needs and feelings. You are not allowed to have needs or feelings. If you do, then take care of them yourself and don’t expect anything from me.
    29. You have no rights. I have all the rights.
    30. You are here to do for me, I am not here to do for you. You are only here for my convenience. When you are no longer useful or become too much trouble, I will kick you to the curb. Until I want something from you again. 

     Tina, Abuse No More.

    Wow, this is a very realistic list. A list that I have lived both sides of….one that doesn't allow for a relationship, but rather a dictatorship or Abuser and the abused.

    One that has taken me a long time to disengage from….the affects of being the one to follow the rules as well as creating this pattern with my own children.

    I have lived on both sides and sadly each side is just as empty.

    The power side lives in fear of not being liked, loved or obeyed and the ruled side lives in constant fear of not being good enough…I guess both sides are empty.

    I had to walk out of this sick game completely and quit cold turkey…with my mother, and in doing so, I was able to see me and how I was living this out with my children. I may not have been as severe, but the flavor was there. I felt it.  I felt this much more than love.

    It wasn't until I stopped playing this game with my mother that I was able to stop playing this game with my kids.  It is my belief, that you have to first stop being a victim, before you can stop being the abuser…if that makes sense.

    I don't think you can continue being treated by your parents like this and have a totally loving relationship with your kids. You first have to find your power to stop playing this sick sick game.   This is what is meant by abuse is all about power.

    There have been many moments within my estrangement that I have wondered about my actions, about whether they are narcissitic or not. But, the key part is that I do not gain my power from others, but rather from my self.

    I do not rule others or need them to behave or not behave a certain way…but, I also allow myself the freedom to move away from them.  I am not locked into the above rules.  I no longer play this game.


  • New Normal.

    Today is December 5th, December 4th slipped by almost unnoticed. I remembered it late last night.  It has been 8 years since finding out about the abuse within my childhood home. That seems like a long time.  A very long time.  The saying it was the best of times and the worst of times…comes to mind.

    Earth shattering and great awakening.  

    Horrifying truth and great freedom.

    With the darkest moments came the brightest insights, of Me.

    There are vapors…whiffs of unease, just minor tremors…that come into my day, but for the most part I have new routines and traditions…a new normal.

    I do feel more settled with my father gone…his life lingered on the outer edges of my world; out but yet not gone.  

    The 'anniversary' is less impacting with him gone. The unknown answered…the worries ended.

    I spent the day doing what I love to do, In Peace, In Joy and with Love.


    IMG_9159
    From creating a new "Jiggle Bell" Lady…then on to the WIND with my girls, stopping in at the Library…to doing yoga.  A day full of my new normal!


  • New Normal.

    Today is December 5th, December 4th slipped by almost unnoticed. I remembered it late last night.  It has been 8 years since finding out about the abuse within my childhood home. That seems like a long time.  A very long time.  The saying it was the best of times and the worst of times…comes to mind.

    Earth shattering and great awakening.  

    Horrifying truth and great freedom.

    With the darkest moments came the brightest insights, of Me.

    There are vapors…whiffs of unease, just minor tremors…that come into my day, but for the most part I have new routines and traditions…a new normal.

    I do feel more settled with my father gone…his life lingered on the outer edges of my world; out but yet not gone.  

    The 'anniversary' is less impacting with him gone. The unknown answered…the worries ended.

    I spent the day doing what I love to do, In Peace, In Joy and with Love.


    IMG_9159
    From creating a new "Jiggle Bell" Lady…then on to the WIND with my girls, stopping in at the Library…to doing yoga.  A day full of my new normal!


  • I need to match.

    "Whatever's good for your soul, Do That!"  

    I love the sentiment, but realize the reality of how hard it is to be your self, to say what it is you need to say, to do what you truly feel inside, to just not care how your actions will affect others. Most often IF you do this, you will be labeled uncaring or unkind.

    I was taught, that I my actions had to be pleasing to others in order to be kind.  And not to make a move without the consent of many.  I was locked into place by their approval, unable to move alone.

    So, while it sounds like a catchy phrase, "Do that…whatever is good for your soul"…it is extremely hard to put into action.

    Especially when your whole life you lived conjoined to the happiness and peace of others!  And even more distrubing is that when you start to follow your soul, oftentimes, you will lose your family…especially in the case of abuse and strict religion.  

    Both require you to not hear your soul calling.  Not to turn your back and focus inwardly.

    Another quote on facebook was "The kindest people are the loneliest…" I agree, for they are unable to move without disturbing others, so they "Don't Do That"…they do whatever you need them to do.  Appearing kind by not disturbing others.

    I had to look up the definition of kind and found two…yet they both seem to apply.

    Kind – "United by common traits or interest…and generous and friendly".

    I am thinking that in abusive homes, we attach 'kindness' to matching.

    We consider others to be kind if they share common traits.

    We put that higher than friendly and generous.  We are not friendly and kind to others who do not match.

    A kind person is someone who matches.  

    Unkind, are those who stand out as different.

    In my experiences, both within my family and the church, is that kind is when you fit in and match.  

     I marvel at the way my mind doesn't fully understands the definitions of words, or how often I have the word backwards.

    Who knew that being kind…was matching.

    I am being shunned or set aside, not for who I am, but rather because I don't match…Them.

    I don't fit in, I am not the same kind.  I am un-kind in their eyes.

    Yet, I see me as I am kind…friendly and generous.  I am allowing others to be who they are.  I am kind enough to let you Do That – Whatever's good for your soul!  And I am way kind to me.  I too get to be free to do whatever is good for my soul. And, sometimes, what is good for my soul is to walk away, to say no, to be silent, to not engage, to live the line "Whatever's good for you soul, Do That"!

    Sometimes, the kindest thing I can do for me and for you is to give enough space for us both to be free. 

    Hence, "You be you and I be me."

    Kindness doesn't have to match.

    Kindness is the freedom to "Do that" which is the calling of your soul.

    My greatest critics are the kindest people…for in their worlds, I need to match.


  • Sing your own Song.

    A few of the worst habits that comes with abuse and being raised in a very strict religion are the ideas that change will happen when the other person changes…or when life has the right and perfect climate.

    That we will change when we can move in harmony…is how we are taught.  That it is wrong to move IF someone else is unhappy about it.

    Stepping away from the old habits of harmony is very hard to do. Especially if it breaks the harmony of family.

    Looking up the word Harmony, suggests a pleasing arrangement or combination or an agreement in feelings.

    In dysfunctional homes, harmony was often gotten by one party being silent.

    A fake harmony…not a pleasing arrangement, but a forced harmony.

    And when the silence is broken, the false harmony ends…

    Some would say that it is breaking up the family or going against the parents etc, but in reality, it is just showing the disharmony that has run through the family always.

    Being the one to speak up doesn't break the harmony…it breaks the pretending.

    I believe that the family could change its whole tune, if all would begin to sing their own feelings, own experiences and own their truths.  

    Sadly however, rarely does the one who started the false harmony change…meaning the parents.  

    I was given the incredible opportunity to change my own tune; by seeing who I was, where I came from, how I was raised, what I took with me, how it created me, and how I mothered from there…and how my needs impacted the lives of my children and others.

    For me to sing a new tune I had to fully realize what my old harmony required of others.

    My old peace was found by others doing this or that for me. 

    My old peace required me to control what they did or didn't do.

    My old harmony was forcing others to be a certain way for my peace, my love and my joy.

    When I set them all free to be who they wanted to be, I had to learn how to find my own inner harmony.  I found it by doing what brought me peace.

    I didn't need an army of folks making me happy, I found it was a much simpler deal to do this by myself.  I didn't need an army of people catering to my needs…it was up to me.

    It took a great amount of time and personal restraint to let them all go.  To not require them to do what I felt I needed.

    I had to work on constructing my own self image minus their voices echoing me. They were allowed to sing out of tune to my own words. We did not have to match. Their opinion of me and my opinion of me was allowed to be worlds apart.

    What had to matter the most was me singing my own song.

    My song.

    What was my truth about me as I knew me.

    I had to always have the last vote.

    It is so easy to get swept away to sit on the shores waiting for someone to give you the go ahead, to cheer you on.  But, what I have found, is the one we are waiting for is your self.

    I have become very aware of when it is me holding me back or when I believe it is someone else.

    I know that our minds often love to settle down and do nothing for it is the easiest it seems. But when we stop because of someone else, we are letting that person hold the reins to our lives.

    They are now in control of what we do and how we do it or if we do it.  And, as soon as you stop due to their lack of singing in harmony, you are now being carried by their tune of you.

    It doesn't matter what you do in this life, just make sure you are singing your own tune of who you are.  Make sure they are your words, your music, your passions and desires, your experiences of you.

    Many people don't like how I am living my life, how I am making my choices, drawing my lines, doing what I do.  But, at the end of the day all that matters is that I am singing for me.

    Remember, Universe is One Verse.  There really is only one verse of you.  You are the only one who is standing in the way of how you sing, how you move and what you do.

    Either you will let others words describe you….or you will sing your own song.




  • Born to do.

    I listened to Jean Houston on Oprah's Soul Series speak about the Heroes Journey…how we are asked to follow the lure of our souls…or die.

    I understood this.  I felt that I didn't have a choice but to follow where my soul led and it was leading me away from all that I knew…as Jean says, "somewhere over the rainbow..".  What I did know, is that I had to follow or I would have died.

    Not physically, but spiritually.  I would have ceased to be engaged with life.  I truly can't even begin to begin to visualize how my life would be today, had I not followed my inner voice and knowing into the unknown.

    What she describes as the heroes journey, is that we meet aspects of our disenfranchised self.  Our weakness and the places where we lost power and sense of self.

    She references the Wizard of Oz….and how the tin man had no heart.  My heart too was opened up following my own path.  The yellow brick road isn't a road without challenges, but rather one that leads you to finding a stronger sense of self worth and self knowing and integrity.  The path to being you.

    I feel that I am a hero in my own life for going against the voices of many and doing that which my soul needed me to do.  To walk away from family and church and so many beliefs that had distanced me from my body, mind and soul.

    My heroes journey was reconnecting me with all aspects of me…bringing me back to me.  

    The line I had envisioned was "I am lost and I am going to go and find myself. I didn't even know that I was missing or what I look like."  Heading out, out of what was comfortable for me into the land of the unknown…leaving behind all that I knew about me.

    I believe, that we are all asked to take this heroes journey…but some will pass.  And those that pass, are living lives in quiet desperation. And, some will have a life experiences that will catapult them onto the yellow brick road….that was me.

    The heroes journey isn't to be a hero for others, but rather being your own hero.  To stand up and save your self.  Find your truth and speak it.  Feel your feelings and give them a voice.  Open your heart to your self and accept your unique value…to stop waiting for someone to come and complete you.

    Following the lure of your soul…the desire and passion that calls to you….to leave behind what feels to be holding you down.  It is.

    I believe inside of all of us is the calling….it is up to each of us to stop listening to the outside voices and tune into our inner knowing.  It is there.

    The heroes journey is to follow your gut instincts, to listen to your inner child, to pay attention and be its servant.  The heroes journey is to save your unique self.  

    And for me, it was to rescue me from the hold of the church and the affects of abuse.  To find a way to free me and to find the aspects of myself that I had given away or distance myself from.

    What Jean speaks about is to enhance the mind, open the heart and to go deep into the soul….a heroes journey is to explore your self and find out who you are meant to be.  You doing what you were born to do.

    (Jean Houston's new book – "The Wizard of Us")