I M Perfect lady

Category: Crusade

  • The Woman Who Sewed.

    "The conflict between what one is and who one is expected to be touches all of us. And sometimes, rather than reach for what one could be, we choose the comfort of the failed role, preferring to be the victim of circumstance, the person who didn't have a chance."  Merle Shain

    I have learned in the past 8, almost 9 years, that I can no longer live my life as others expect, but have no choice anymore but to live as I am.

     I can't pretend to pretend, that I will even endeavor to be what you expect me to be….what you would prefer me to be…I will never even try to please you, before I please me.  Not ever.

    I use to live in the comfort of the failed role that was not me…and so many were at peace…while I lived a life of quiet resentment.  

    I resented you for expecting anything from me.

    I put the rage/anger/resentment on you.

    When, the truth was, I didn't know who I was or how to be me AND do this without failing your expectations of Me.

    It was the most exhilarating and completely terrifying journey….to disappoint you and please me.  I lost all who expected a different me…and, there are some who still mourn for the old me.  She is dead…

    Who stands in her place is me…the me I recovered or uncovered. The me who is completely known to me…but may be unfamiliar to you.

    Imagine, I lived for 46 years as someone who failed at being herself.

    I lived for your peace.

    I lived for your love.

    I lived for your joy.

    I was going to write, I didn't know what brought me peace, love and joy…..and perhaps I didn't.  But, I did know, that IF I began to question or stop serving others, there would be moments of discomfort…

    I guess I did know, deep down what I truly wanted…but was too afraid to do it.  To just say what I needed to say and do what I needed to do…for I knew that so many relationships were based up the expectations of others…and had very little to do about individual needs.

    I am sure the crux of dysfunctional families is that we all live to serve the parents. No matter who they are and what they've done. We are taught to live under their expectations.

    Daring to live, thrive and flourish outside of what they had expected is so freeing and can often seem like rebellion…

    When all it is is to be living the role of Me.

    It will be Me who walks among my Art Therapy….quilts.  The ones who represent how the world was so large and me so small, the inner self esteem almost non-existent.  

    It is a surreal moment to be the Lady….speaking of the "Lady"….knowing it is Me and Me.  

    As I pondered the "Meet the Artist"….I see it as meeting the Divine or the Universe or something other than me. For often I was unaware I what I was creating as I was creating it.

    It is like I too want to meet the artist to see the source of these quilts…

    I will go tonight, feeling less like an artist, but more like a Fan…knowing this is not of my doing…but that I am the woman who sewed.


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    "Lady" quilts on display at Copper Country Mental Health – Houghton, MI

     

  • A Reflection of Me.

    A few years back, Susan Boyle made a splash in the world, when she began to sing; such an unlikely sound coming from this average looking woman…as my quilts are hung in public, it feels like the complete opposite of Susan Boyle….I am an average looking woman, and coming from me…is the articulation of what, for generations, has been kept in the dark.  The family secrets.

    It is one thing to sorta know what lives in the darkness, and quite another to have access to the inner workings of an adult child, working her way through sexual abuse….into recovery. The feelings and actual movement or dance of being estranged from a family of 14.  

    I feel like I am about to sing in public, and the words will be awful…that instead of applause, I will get booed off the stage.  

    I never wrote or quilted for an audience.  I did it to fight my way into peace, love and joy.  And, in order to find this love, joy and peace, I had to walk away from abusive relationships or ones that were no longer working with my authentic stride to wellness.

    And, I believe in me and my Lady quilts and my journey.  What I have not had was public scrutiny and I feel vulnerable and open and exposed.

    That being said.  I am very proud that my Ladies are out and standing proud….a reflection of Me.

  • Failed to Register…

    "A man set to stand trial for molesting an underage girl was sentenced to nine months in jail for failing to register as a sexual offender after an earlier offense."  

    Now let's see. This 27 year old man is awaiting a new trial…but he is in jail because he failed to 'register as a sex offender'.  Perhaps our court system needs to be in jail too, for not putting this man away the first time.  How many chances do you get in our legal system before they get the message.  "SEX OFFENDER".

    Who is failing to register that he is a sexual predator?

    He knows it.

    His victims know it.

    The family of the victim more than likely knows it, Unless he is family, than the jury is still out….they too may not have registered his sex offending ways.

    Who doesn't know this man is a sex offender?

    And yet, we will have a long expensive court case to see if he is guilty or not… 

    Really?

    To me, he is not the only one who failed to register….

    (article on the front page of the Daily Mining Gazette – Houghton Michigan)

  • Joining the Team

    We have all heard the term "Co-dependent", but I just read "Co-Alcoholic" as a woman described herself being married to an alcoholic.

    It somehow puts the other person into the disease much clearer than co-dependent. It shows you being part of the problem more clearly than being dependent upon each other.

    I then, of course, looked at other behaviors that we would be Co-Members in….such as Co-drug addict, Co-pedophile, etc.  This to me, joins the so called 'innocent' into the negative energy field as aiding and abetting the addicted individual in a way that isn't just co-dependent, but an active participant in their addiction…enabler.

    I had previously seen the co-conspirator, as in denial, but being a co-pedophile, you are doing things to make his addiction continue.  It isn't about denial, it is about allowing and giving ease for him/her to continue this life style.

    I believe, if we started defining the non-addictive spouse this way, it may open their eyes to just who they are and what they are doing to actively support a negative lifestyle.

    I know that I have seen/felt and believed that my mother was not an innocent party, and defining her as a co-pedophile would be much more accurate than any other word I had.  Where she actively participated to ensure he had his drug of choice and to live his lifestly of choice, he indeed needed a good co-pedophile.

    I also enabled him, by denying my own feelings and body.  When I was able to be with my body and speak out about my feelings and truth of my fear of him,  I stopped being a co-pedophile.

    Defining those who are willingly, even resentfully, taking care of the addict, in this way, will help not define the addict and blame them….but to see clearly the side of the non-addict…the Co-addict.

    It is my belief, that a huge part of the problem is the lack of holding accountable all the co-alcoholics, co-heroin addicts, co-meth addicts, co-child abusers, etc…that if we start focusing on what enables these folks to continue, we will find that the problem doesn't begin and end with one person.

    I had to go and look up "Co".

    It says, "Jointly, mutually, common…"

    Jointly….means, "with another person, together.

    So, there you have it.

    When you are a Co, you are joining the team.


  • Recovery of being you, Perfectly.

    When Normal seems Perfect and all others are considered 'mental' and imperfect, there becomes a need to hide that which isn't perfect.

    We have somehow believed incorrectly, that the majority among us are living perfect lives and it is complete and utter failure to admit your life isn't going okay, that inside of you it isn't the peaceful pasture of perfection.

    In order to lose the stigma of entering a facility for help with our lives and relationships and most importantly to find peace with your self and your life, we need to recognize there is NO Perfect.  Oh, and There is NO normal.…and only those who believe it to be so, are even more confused than the most confused among us.

    I even wonder, is it harder to maintain the image of normal and perfect, than it is to bear the discomfort of failing to get there?

    What if, we all were to embrace that each of us is our own kind of perfect normal, coming from whence we came?

    I will fail at being perfect each time I seek to have a childhood untouched by abuse.

    I will succeed at perfection for me, when I embrace my whole past.

    My perfect me, was abused and raised in a cult like religion. I made choices based upon those two very distinctive events.  These two ingredients in my life created a perfect representation of the two.  I was perfectly abused and a perfect woman whose mind was brain washed by a fanatical religion.

    Maybe we think perfect only in the good terms and not perfect at being dysfunctional.

    If we looked upon the recovery places as places to restore our own sense of perfection, they would not have such a negative connotation. Instead we see them as places that will shine a light of imperfection upon us.  That only those of great imperfections will enter there…will fit in.  And, perfection passes these places by.

    Perfection is a myth in the sense that we will all match and look the same and do the same and fall into a category of normal.

    What if instead we embraced the individual.  That the healthiest among us are the most authentic and original.

    What if the "mental health" places were places to go for becoming original….to break out of the crowd mentality, to separate and individualize you from the masses, to perfect a complete and perfect you?

    While September is Recovery month, is recovery to recover YOU?

    Okay, I had to look up recovery's definition.

    "a return to a normal state of health, mind, or strength."

    "the action or process of regaining possession or control of something stolen or lost."

    So the 'shame' or stigma is that we don't want to admit we have lost our self…our strength or the control of our lives.  And yet we will each see many folks living lives out of control, while trying to convince themselves and others they are in perfect control.

    Recovery to me, is to regain the power of self….individuality and authenticity, the recovery of being you, Perfectly.  


  • On the Road to Recovery

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    My second visit to Copper Country Mental Health was carrying a carpet roll of 26 Art Quilts…or Art Therapy quilts to be more exact.  My Lady is being showcased for Recovery Month at this healing space.

    Shelly and Joe were terrific in orchestrating where the quilts were to be hung.  It was decided to not put them in numerical order, but to have them be placed randomly and for it to be a surprise as to what each mean and their order.  I liked this idea.

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    Rick was our measuring man, keeping things in balance and so easy to work with…Everyone who happened by had comments and interest.  I love that my lady was catching attention…


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    A good team, fun quilts and wonderful wall space…and it is my hope they will inspire and lend courage to those who are healthy enough to realize the help that can be gotten here.


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    My lady engaging the sitting area with their color and content…part of the recovery conversation.



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    This is space is as you enter into the building.  I think the quilts do a wonderful job welcoming all!

    It is my hope they bring a softer tone to a place often filled with stigma and shame…at least for those of us who are in need of their services. 

    And, you have to wonder how we, society as a rule, have it so wrong…that it is shameful to admit we need help, that we are not able to handle our lives and our truths.

    My Lady is bringing the public eye to a space that is typically protected and private, and feels even that I am hanging quilts in spaces often kept in the dark…bringing artful color and loud boldness to clinical hushed tones.

    There is even a small fear that the 'public' will mix with the 'private' and that it will cause 'discomfort' and, for us not to advertise or to open up general traffic, so that the privacy can be maintained…

    Meaning, to offer this display to the public, will draw to much of the general public to this space…a space where folks like to keep their mental illness private.

    However, it is my humble opinion, that most of the public is/was or will be in need of these services…if not now, then at some point in their future.  Mental Health is for all, not just the most wounded among us.

    I would love for My Lady and I, to begin the process of normalizing the look of those in need of Mental Health.  To stop the judgement against those who are willing and able to admit, their lives and their minds are in need of a second opinion.  

    I even believe, that my quilts, if allowed to be advertised in a public way, would bring folks into offices in which people are too scared to enter….to admit, that they could use an ear to listen or help with locating helpful services that will restore balance.

    Perhaps we could all start entering this space as we do a dentist.  We don't let our teeth go untreated, due to the fear of being recognized that we have neglected our mouths, and yet our minds somehow have been tagged with a negative connotation.

    And really, who among us can state that they have always had a clear mind, that they have never had troubles with their lives, their choices, and their truths, that their history has been a clean slate of pure brilliance and perfection?

    I truly believe that we all could use extra help. That if we paid attention to our mental health, our emotional and physical would take care of itself.  

    So….that being said, I highly suggest we all take a stroll through Copper Country Mental Health and begin to neutralize the stigma of Mental Health.

    And, you know what came to me….that when you can recognize and own that your mental health isn't quite right, you are on the road to recovery.

    (Perhaps there should be a sign only the Perfect need not enter. We somehow believe that it is failing to be imperfect. And, as you know, It is impossible to be imperfect….for even the word says, I'm Perfect!)



  • Nothing to Forgive.

    I know that churches are built upon the premise of "Forgiveness" of restoring life back to where it was, 'before the sin', to keep things looking beautiful, normal and loving.  And yet, I know that this tool is only beneficial to the perpetrator of sin and is very hurtful for the victim.

    Even the sentiment and feelings that the victim should be reaching for the forgiveness application, is wrong.  

    Why is it my job to restore Her kindness?  And furthermore, is it even possible?

    Was I the one who changed her from being kind to not being kind?

    I used to believe that my behavior (usually negative) was the fault of my kids.  If only they acted better, did this or that, without my having to tell them etc, then I would not go off the deep end in rage….I too used to put my kindness or the lack thereof, in their hands.

    When you ask a child to forgive their parents For Their Negative Behavior, you are blaming the child for that negative.

    I can see it no other way.

    I am the problem.  I was the one who made her act poorly and I am the one who can give her back her good graces, IF ONLY I would 'forgive' her.

    The Forgiveness that I was asked to use, was to let bygones be bygones…to settle my mother back into her mother role.  Like I am the one who has the power for her to be motherly or not motherly, depending again upon MY behavior NOT hers.

    There is a new definition of forgiveness that I cling to…and that is accepting that the past could be no different.   Accepting that I did not have a loving mother.  Accepting that she was unable to put up boundaries to keep hurtful people away from her and her children.  Accepting her as she is and not believing that I have the power to make her kind or to make her act unkind.  

    I forgive her, by accepting that she fell far below the level of mother. I forgive her for NOT being a mom.  

    She had once wrote to me, that "I failed as a mother, but can we be friends?"

    Like it would be easy to skip the mothering part and go right to friends.  Really, as I am your daughter.  I am not looking for a friend, I am looking for a mother.  

    A mother's job doesn't end.  It doesn't go away when the children are over 18, it is a life long role in the lives of your children.  You don't get to give up and still maintain a relationship….or at least a relationship of any value.

    So again….how do you forgive a woman who failed as a mother, but wants to still hang around, if you are her daughter?

    And, you know, it isn't that she failed as a mother that is so hurtful, but that she failed to see her child, you.  Your needs, your pain, your suffering….she just flippantly, shrugs off her mother cape and wants to don the friendly cloak.

    I simply can't do it.

    I was like the seagull with the broken wing, looking for a mother…someone to care and see my wound…and protect me from predators.

    And instead she catered to his (predator) needs…allowing him access to girls so he could break their wings. The broken wing girl's needs were not seen or met or considered.  

    And somehow there are folks who believe it is up to me, to change my mother back to kindness. Can I?  Will forgiving her in the churches definition work?  Will it make her see my broken wing?  Really?  Or are you asking me to NOT see my broken wing?

    For no matter how many words of 'forgiveness' are uttered, my broken wing remains.

    And, what is truly broken is what my parents did to my love, my trust, and my faith IN Them.  I handed it over as a believe-a-head, an innocent, without much thought or restraint.  I gave it to them and they broke it.  They didn't respect it or honor it.

    I see them as love breakers.

    I see them as trust wreckers.

    What I guess many can't know, until it happens to them, what it feels like to have these thing shattered. To give out love, to have it trashed.

    Is it me?

    Was I wrong to give it to them?

    Or, is the fault completely theirs?

    What I would caution everyone, is before you ask a child to forgive, you look at the adult, the perpetor.  What do they do with love?

    My love wasn't bad….it wasn't less worthy.  I just had given it to the wrong folks…or perhaps they were only doing to my love, that which was done to their love.

    Here is what I know….children's love is innocent.  It has nothing to forgive.

     

     

  • I Feel Kind.

    It is a simple question, delivered with grand intentions, that is felt deeply negative by me. "Will you ever forgive your mother?" 

    This was asked of me.  

    Held at my like a gun.

    That it is MY fault she is unwelcome at my daughter's wedding, taking no glances at her ledger of un-mother-like behavior, but that I as a daughter am under scrutiny.

    That my core level of kindness has to be bankrupt, that I am empty, hollow and cold.

    My behavior and actions as a daughter are closely looked at, while my mother's behavior isn't spared a second glance or even a first.  But rather her 'feelings' about being shunned come clearly into view, and the blame sits squarely upon me.  Like I am magically inventing this unforgiving 'attitude'.

    Where did I get this demeanor?

    How is that I can be so cold?

    What happened to me?

    What this 'innocent' asking person pleads for, is for me to back down and make small or minimize actions that stripped my mother from being a mom.

    What struck me today, was that the grief and trauma we experience, isn't about the pain, sex and indifference, but the disappearing loving being.  We mourn the loss of kindness.

    And now, they are ASKING me to be kind, and never once questioning my mother's behavior.

    As I turned the corner at the bottom of my driveway this morning a seagull sat in the middle of the road.  Just sat there.  Weird I thought.  What is up little fellow, I asked.

    As I got closer, I could see he had one very damaged wing; he could not fly.  He was stuck unable to save himself…and I was not daring enough to try.

    I called our local "Wild Life Rescue" girl….and she called me later to tell me she did pick him up. He had a very bad wing. She wasn't sure she could save him, but she would at least allow him to die in peace and not be at the mercy of a predator.

    I got the Seagull.

    I also got how it was that my mother looked the other way, while I called for help.

    I feel kind.

     

  • I am on the Team!

    As we work on the details for my Story Line Quilts at Copper Country Mental Health, a contact introduced himself to me as a team member of Trauma Informed Recovery Team.  I had to look up the word trauma.

    "Trauma".

    A deeply distressing or disturbing experience.

    Emotional shock following a stressful event or a physical injury, which may be associated with physical shock.  

    A serious injury or shock to the body, as from violence or an accident. An emotional wound.

    What is more amazing than the definition is that I had to ask.  Like, how in the world having been traumatized, did I not know its content.  

    We use words, and words often hide the actual facts.  "Trauma" encapsulates the actual event like a shroud, hiding the literal activities and content.

    To say Trauma instead of describing the actual events, allows us to not feel, know and react or respond viserally.  It almost seems that words allow for more denial or denial period.

    And, maybe the "Trauma Informed Recovery Team" clearly understands the contents of trauma and we the traumatized are slowly awakened to them.

    Imagine, it takes a team to help us recover…to sort through the trauma and to find a way to live in peace, love and joy after it.

    I am very grateful that there is a team for trauma, a recovery team!

    The trauma in my life was to experience sexual abuse from a father.  It had both emotional shock as well as physical injury from violence.  Trauma sure seems like a nicer word, that rape by a dad. 

    I am looking forward to see what else I learn as I hang My Story Line Quilts at Copper Country Mental Health. What services and teams are waiting there to help in my recovery.  

    I am hopeful that my quilts will bring awareness to teams waiting to help those of us who sadly know the after affects of trauma…to recover and restore our center, our balance, our confidence, our self esteem….our self.

    I know, that what was clearly shattered and destroyed was my sense of safety, of having some who loved and cared for me, my faith and trust….this is what gets shot to hell, when the ones you love….sexually abuse or are incapable of responding…like my mother.  I lost my parents and that was traumatic.

    It isn't the act of sexual abuse or the indifference after, it is finding out there is no one there to protect you.  That the world of safety and love is no more.

    Trauma is breaking the innocent world by those you loved and trusted.

    When kindness and love are replaced with rape and indifference…that is traumatic, for they are polar opposites.  To recover from that, often times means getting away from those hurtful people….which often leaves us estranged from family.

    I would love to be part of the Trauma Informed Recovery Team.  And, if my quilts help someone, give hope, lend inspiration….I am on the team!


  • Having Boundaries.

    Putting up boundaries against family, is not an easy task, and yet, with the statistics as they are, boundaries against abuse, WILL be against someone you know, most often a family member.  This is how abuse ends, not with kindness and understanding, those are NOT boundaries, nor a deterrent for abusive behaviors, but an open door.

    Having boundaries, is a fuzzy concept and one that needs to be clarified…it can blend into the background of life.

    A boundary is to stop or change behavior…to respond differently, and it is more often seen as 'not kind'.  Kindness is very allowing and accepting, no matter what. Boundaries are much more selective and rejecting.

    Somehow, we as a society, see people who have healthy boundaries as being 'unkind' and those without them kind, christian like and forgiving.  There is a totaly dysfunctional viewing upon how we respond to evil and what we call it.

    When I wrote a very clear and concise letter to my mother, requesting space and for continual silence and separation, and for her to remain absent in my life, it may be seen as "unkind".

    And, what many will focus on is my behavior and not hers.  

    Not the fact that she had no boundaries against evil…or the fact that her actions were to ad and abet my father's deviancy. She isn't untainted or less guilty than he, her lack of boundaries allowed his evil to permeate her…she joined what she did not stand against.  

    What I have come to know, is if the parent doesn't use boundaries against evil within the home, the children will erect boundaries against the parent.  IF, they choose to change the pattern of abuse.  Otherwise, they too will join the evil side, simply by their lack of boundaries; they become colored by the same brush as evil, they don't stand out.

    I am okay with others seeing me as bad, wrong and heartless…for I know different. 

    I know how it feels to reject a parent, to set up a boundary, to become an orphan by choice.  I know the backlash I am opening myself up to…and I am okay.

    I would rather stand against evil, than be washed in its bloody tones.

    There is no way you can be kind to evil and not be stained by what you are allowing.

    I cannot see how you can remain in relationships with folks who are hurtful and not be colored by their behavior.  

    The only way, I can show my boundaries is to walk them out.

    You can't say you are against what someone is doing while standing with them when they are doing it, doing nothing to show your objections.

    What does 'objection' mean?

    "An expression or feeling of disapproval or opposition; a reason for disagreeing."

    How can you show your disapproval when you are silent and not acting different?

    What I feel so strongly about, is that if you are not the one doing the evil, but the one who is unmoved by evil, you are contributing to it.  

    You are either with it or are standing free of it.  

    What I am still amazed by are the sheer numbers of folks who are standing with evil and calling it loving kindness.

    And, even more floored at how I am seen as unkind, for having boundaries.