I M Perfect lady

Category: Examples of an Imperfect woman

  • My Little Rowboat!

    ”One of the hardest things in life is having words in your heart that you can't utter.”  James Earl Jones.

     

    And what is beyond hard is when you do utter what is in your heart; your truth and you are not believed or heard.

     

    This sets into motion a belief that your insides are wrong and the outside unhearing ear is right.

     

    We never stop and consider that the ear is broken and our insides are right.

     

    I know that when my mother didn’t hear or believe my message of abuse, I was left not believing myself.

     

    When you don’t believe your own self, you are set out to sea adrift and must rely upon another for your sense of self. 

     

    You are without oars to steer yourself; you rely upon others for your sense of direction.  A life lived for others….

     

    I took my oars back five years ago, I now row where I want to go and I love love love the freedom that came with it!

    I am the captain of my little rowboat!

     

     

     

     

     

  • Welcome to Reality.

    “Meditation is running into reality.  It does not insulate you from the pain of life.  It allows you to delve so deeply into life and all its aspects that you pierce the pain barrier and go beyond suffering.”   Henepola Gunaratana

     

    Mediation is running into reality.  Not running from reality, but into the here and the now.

     

    In delving deeply into my life and all its aspects I have experienced pain and broken the barrier to be in the land beyond.

     

    What I used to think is that if you headed in the direction of pain, you would just get more and more pain that it would literally not end.

     

    What I learned is that beyond all the pain is a place of peace.

     

    Between you and that peace is a sea of pain that has to be acknowledged, felt and understood, it is your past coming to be reconciled.

     

    I sit in reality and deal with what is in all moments.  Even if past feelings come to the now to be dealt with, I am here now.

     

    No more tucking disturbing things into the suitcase called, later, or not now, instead I meet each new situation as it arises.

     

    I am the greeter of the present moment, like a wal-mart greeter, “Welcome to Reality.”

     

  • Relax and Enjoy the Ride!

     

    “Is Reality Broken?  Are you trying to fix it? “  Tao Now, Josh Barran

     

    There really are only two ways to see reality, either it is broken or it is working perfectly.

     

    How can you tell if it is broken or working perfectly? Who gets to decide? Do we each have our own sets of reality?  Is your perception and my perception separated and equally right?

     

    When you are sitting in reality, how can you tell if it is broken, what are the signs that something needs to be fixed and then how do you fix it?

     

    I just love the phrase, “is reality broken?”

     

    If you asked me a few years back, I would have given you a million ways that it was, and a busload of people who needed fixing.

     

    Now I see that all is perfect.

     

    Nothing has changed, the landscape, people and actions are all still the same, but I now see things differently.

    In nature if something is not right, it is called a freak of nature, it is going against the natural flow or natural expression.  A meowing dog is a freak.

     

    Why is it that we don’t do the same with people, that we set aside nature’s rules?

     

    We almost have freakish expectations of people when we want them to act/do/be something other than themselves.

     

    If we can accept them AS they are, we are not breaking reality.

     

    I used to see others with problems for they were not doing as I expected, little did I know I was the freak. 

     

    I was in reality expecting it to be different than it was; I was always trying to fix something that wasn’t broken.

     

    The fruitlessness of it all, fixing non-broken things, going into people’s lives unsolicited telling them to do things differently, changing that which doesn’t want to change, creating a broken reality, giving myself a job to break reality!

     

    A reality breaker that was the job I retired from. 

     

    As a retired reality breaker, I can now relax and enjoy the ride!

     

     

     

  • Middle of your life.

    “Where are you looking for your life?  What makes you feel most alive?  What is life to you? Ponder these questions.

     

    Now today, moment by moment, realize that each person and event that happens is life for you.  Life is not somewhere else.  See how fully you can accept the life that presents itself to you now.”  Brenda Shoshanna

     

    “People often say, “Life is passing me by.”  How is this possible with life always unfolding in this precise instant?”  Josh Baran

     

    “Where are you looking for your life?”  I love this question?  When presented this way it seems preposterous to have lost a life while living a life.

     

    It is like looking for your breath while breathing!

     

    Where can your life be found if not right here with you today, this minute?

     

    Your life can simply not be anywhere without you, where you go your life follows!  Watch for your life displaying itself to you, dancing for your attention, and singing for your joy, creating wonderful experiences to learn from, people co-creating with you, all is your life.

     

    “What is life to you,” is another great question.

     

    Maybe a greater question is what are you without your Life?

     

    It seems to me your life and you go hand and hand…in grace.  It is not a race or chase.

     

    My life is where I am; I am where my life is.

     

    When my life moves I move.

    When I move my life moves.

     

    I can’t make a wrong step in my life, for it follows. It is my life and that wrong step is part of it, it is all part of the process to make me me!

     

    My perfect life and I are inseparable.

     

    My past follows, my future yet unknown, my present as it is, alive and filled with potentials…bursting with reality.

     

    What will I do, where will I go, what will appear, what will disappear, what will my life present for me today…

     

    It is an odd place to stand in the middle of your life.

     

  • Hopeless in Reality!

    “If you give up hope, you will likely find your life is infinitely richer.  Here’s why:  When you live in hope, it’s usually because you’re avoiding reality.”  Gay Hendricks

     

    I love this, for that is exactly right.  If you sit in hope you miss reality.

     

    He gave an example. “If you hope your partner will stop drinking, aren’t you really afraid he or she won’t?  Aren’t you really afraid to take decisive action to change the situation? If you keep hoping the drinking will stop, you get to avoid the truly hard work of actually handling the situation effectively.  Hope becomes a drug or soporific to get you through the pain a little longer.  Like all drugs, it comes with side affects.  One main side affect is that you become a little numb, a little less alive.  Hoping a situation will change keeps you at a distant from your true feelings- sadness, anger, fear.  Each of these feelings is best appreciated up close. Feel them deeply, and they will cease to bother you.  Hope they’ll go away, and they’ll bother you all day.”  Gay Hendricks

     

    I just never sat and put my thoughts on what the application of hope did to my now-a-day world, how it actually puts a blanket over the top of reality, and allows you not to feel what it is you feel, and its purpose is to avoid reality.  That is amazing.

     

    Hope is a drug. That is astonishing and that there are hope addicts out there living in non-reality!

     

    Isn’t that the purpose of most drugs, to remove your mind from the stresses of what is right in front of you, to not allow you to feel that which you are feeling, taking you out of your reality?

     

    Hope is a drug, who would have thought.

     

    What an insidiously common addiction.

     

    Using the word Hope is like taking a drug to get us out of our present situation, what ever that may be, leaving you powerless,.  

     

    I am awestruck by the enormity of its usage, how common and in plain view this drug is used. 

     

    There is no way most people believe that the word hope is a bad thing, it is used and tossed about like it is pure and uplifting! 

     

    I guess the best state to be in is hopeless!

     

     

  • Signature of the Universe.

    "It is possible to live happily in the here and now. So many conditions of happiness are available—more than enough for you to be happy right now. You don't have to run into the future in order to get more." ~  Thich Nhat Hanh

     

     

    Martha Beck asked us, “ To List 20 times when something great happened to you without you having to do much. It puts you in the abundance zone. Feels great, too!”

     

    I can start with seeing a great sunrise, the way the clouds arrange themselves so that when the sun shines upon them they give off a real cool color and glow, to how the river flows and swirls rolling merrily on its way without me pushing or cajoling it along, to the way the grass is changing from dull winter brown to emerald green, to the smell that sheets have when they come in from the clothesline, to the warmth of the dog laying on your toes, to the sunshine warming your shoulders in mid afternoon, to the Easter Lillies being brought from afar to your local store which are now in your home, for all of this I did nothing.

     

    No thing is asked of me, it is simply presented for me to appreciate, and even if I don’t stop along the way to smell the roses, they will offer up to the air a sweet perfume, for that is what they do, unasked they freely express themselves.

     

    Perhaps a better list, is to list the things you did alone, totally alone without help from anyone or anything. 

     

    What do you alone accomplish?

    When are you totally separated from the whole, floating outside of the planet, untouching what the Universe is singing.

     

    I would say try and find a time in each day where you are totally disconnected and floating free of the matrix called the Universe. 

     

    It seems we have constant reminders of the great presence, from the singing of the birds to the gentle breeze, to a friend arriving or sending us a message, it all seems so perfectly orchestrated for me, a huge production working in harmony filling the spaces, so no matter where I look I see a sign.

     

    The signature of the Universe!

     

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  • True Feelings.

    The most exhausting thing in life is being insincere. ~Anne Morrow Lindbergh

     

    This word Insincere has rung a bell with me, its meaning is to be hypocritical, not genuine and not reflecting true feelings. 

     

    Reflecting true feelings is so not done, we are taught to deflect our true feelings with something more palatable for others to swallow, like our own genuine feelings are too harsh, bitter or strong for others to swallow. 

     

    A watered down version is expected and seen as kindness.  Some how sparing another’s feelings are seen as a higher endeavor than speaking our truth.

     

    Meanwhile, these feelings sit inside of us festering unexpressed. 

     

    Inside of our bodies where no one can see, feelings lay in their genuine expression.

     

    Betrayal sits as betrayal, fear as fear, unloved as unloved, neglect as neglect, no magic happens inside, no dissolving of emotions as we make ourselves easier to be with.

     

    But who does this make us? 

    Who are we?

     

    Acting loved while feeling unloved are we not insincere?  Trying to muster up feelings of trust while our whole body reverberates no trust?  Who are we fooling does anyone win here?

     

    The latest movement is into whole foods, and I am thinking that we need the same movement in relationships, to only give out our whole feelings!

     

    No more watering them down and masking them with artificial ingredients.  Let us let anger be anger, deceit be deceit, and let relationships fall that will not hold true feelings.

     

    “Half a truth is often a great lie.” Benjamin Franklin

  • I Have A Life!

    “To free us from the expectations of others, to give us back to ourselves — there lies the great, singular power of self-respect.” Joan Didion

     

    Today was the 78th day in a row of doing Bikram yoga, and I am still stretching into places I have never been before, with my body, mind and inner knowing.

     

    It is crazy to have ridden around in this body and not really used it to its fullest potential; I have lived backwards in so many areas or upside down and sideways.

     

    I am feeling freedom and innocence that I have never felt before 

     

    My previous relationship with self was for others, and had little do with me. Imagine I was not living for me!

     

    I was living for your good approval, your wellness, happiness, comfort and the whole while neglecting my self!

     

    Abandoning it while using it.  Which seem really pathetic.

     

    How can I save you while I am dying?  How can I teach you to take better care, while I am a wreck?

     

    Doing this yoga each day for the last 2-½ months, has brought my attention, focus and care back to me.  I am for the first time ever spending time each day for my body.

     

    A few days ago, I realized “I have my own life!”  I said it out loud and more than once, “I have a life!”   

     

    Feeling that I have my own separated life is like being cut free from a bossy Siamese twin!  I am free!

     

    Yoga turns you right side up and sets you free.

     

    I have a life!

     

  • Loudly in Peace.

    “If you do not tell the truth about yourself you cannot tell it about other people.” 

    Virginia Woolf

     

    As a child who has been abused, our truth changes before we can really grasp our real truth, our innocence is stolen and in its place sits responsibility and guilt, shame and embarrassment, confusion.

     

    This mountain of confusion become our ‘natural’ state inside, it is all we have ever known, especially if the abuse began at a very early age.

     

    It is our truth of who we are.  We can’t see ourselves without the aroma of abuse.

     

    That flavor saturates our every pore, there is no part of ourselves that we feel is good or untouched and innocent.

     

    I had to work harder, be more responsible, carry others, and strive to be overly good, just to be able to hold my head up.  I alone, all by myself, was never good enough; I was a mess and I had to cover up.

     

    Ashamed embarrassed crumpled mess inside, forever having to make it look better, is like adding lace and bows to a worn out stained t-shirt and calling it a party dress.

     

    It was when I stopped trying to fix it, that the whole mess righted itself. 

     

    I stood in the truth of who I was. I was an abused girl a wreck and a mess.  I then had the first glimpse of my innocence.

     

    When I seen myself as being innocent, a flip happened and the responsibility flopped back onto my parents where it has rightly belonged.

     

    When no one stood by me and proclaimed my innocence, yet worked harder for him to keep his, we switched identities.

     

    Little did you know you were transferring his bucket of filth into the child, while taking our innocence and draping it over his filth. 

     

    The truth lay beneath, untouched.

     

    I finally made the transfer back.  I gave him back his bucket of filth I have been carrying around inside of me. 

     

    I can never undo the abuse, or the toll it took on my life, but I have my own life back, my own reality, my own truth, and for that I am very grateful. 

     

    Cleansed and free inside of me the truth echoes loudly in peace.

  • ‘Their inner knowing….’

    I decided I was doing my 75th yoga class at 7am this morning, my nosebleed said, “It will be later.”

     

    Last night I went to bed to go to sleep, my mind went to bed to wrestle with other people’s lives, and we were both losers.

     

    The mind likes to be the party planner, the event coordinator, and the one in charge, when it is only the guest.

     

    Yoga means ‘to yoke’ and what I feel it is doing is trying to yoke the mind. 

     

    “To bring your mind back to the body for 20 seconds, which is the hardest thing to do…” Bikram

     

    Bringing the mind back to the body is to bring the mind to reality, to this present moment and your body, not somebody else’s body, to yoke it to your life.

     

    It seems impossible that the mind isn’t with you and for you at all times, but watch. 

     

    Watch and see how often you miss what is in front of you while you are off in another’s land.

     

    And once your mind looks about in their land, you want to decorate, plant, arrange, toss out, add, do many things YOU feel they are lacking.

     

    I am so damn grateful that I won’t allow those foolish ideas to pass my lips, now. 

     

    The old me would have tossed out orders like a drill sergeant to get that persons life in order.

     

    What is equally insane is this mind comes into my world and does the same to me, trying to move me out of my present moment. 

     

    Oh and you know when someone else has lost their yoke (mind), for they will come into your world with great orders of things YOU need to do.

     

    Inside of us is this inner knowing, which doesn’t live in the mind, that will lead us where it is we need to go.

     

    Trust that inner knowing, trust that it will lead the way, for it is always about you, never about another.  It moves you!  It is not our job to move another!

     

    Otherwise it would be called ‘their inner knowing’….

     

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