I M Perfect lady

Category: Examples of an Imperfect woman

  • Time for me.

    “Fall down Seven times, stand up Eight!”  Japanese Proverb

     

    As I look backward over the 54 days, I can see the pattern of yoga and me; I see me doing this each day, making it my priority, and even when I felt weak, sore, tired, uninterested, I did it anyway.

     

    This reminds me of the attitude I sometimes had doing for others, when I didn’t say no.  I love how the same tenacity is working for me!

     

    Interesting that I am saying yes to me, often at times when I am feeling no; no I can’t, no I don’t want to, no I don’t feel like it, but I headed downstairs and do it anyway.

     

    Our patterns emerge behind us, as they gather in numbers we can see the overview or as they say, ‘hind-sight is 20/20’.

     

    As I look in my rearview mirror I do so with much pride, to see that I have kept my word to me, I see a 54 days of doing yoga stretched out like a magnificent winding path, complete with no spaces, no empty slots of where I stopped.

     

    Amazed that I continue on, adding to the ever-growing pathway of taking care of me.  It is so unusual for me to put me first, to take the time, to make the effort, to just do it, for me. 

     

    Me, I am taking the time for me!

     

    "You cannot believe in anything or anybody if you do not believe in yourself".     Bikram

     

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  • Back to Peace.

    “I am responsible, but not in control!” 

     

    Isn’t that an oxymoron?  How can you be responsible for something you don’t control?

     

    That is what happens when you feel responsible for another’s behavior or action or inaction even.  You feel responsible, yet unable to control them!

     

    As a little girl in my childhood home, this is exactly how I felt, that I was responsible yet not in control. 

     

    It is like being responsible to stop a waterfall half way down, knowing those who will get hurt below as the water falls from above, yet unable to stop it.

     

    The parents at the top keep dumping stuff over the falls, and it rains upon us all.  Instead of being down on the bottom, I stood mid way, trying to stop the rain!

     

    As a child and then an adult child I carried this hopeless responsibility and made it my life’s work.

     

    This job was so time consuming, it kept me from my own life, but firmly into yours racing between your behavior and the affects.

     

    Since it never really stopped the abuse and neglect, this midway kinda sorta life I lived was all for naught.

     

    The only way you can stop abuse from raining down is to stop the man at the top of the falls, or get the children out of the way.

     

    Neither happened in our family.

     

    Somehow the children in the falls believe it is their responsibility to stop the top, to work harder, be better, do better so this bad behavior wouldn’t fall down upon them.

     

    Little do they know they are not the cause, just the ones who get rained upon, the residual collateral damage.

     

    This collateral damage then sets forth in life trying to control things that are impossible to control and giving responsibility for their happiness to others.

     

    A life set in motion without control, just like a flimsy doll in the rush of Niagara Falls.

     

    It is only when you can separate this all out and put control and responsibility where it belongs do the falls turn into a millpond.

     

    A millpond, which emotions pass through, ripples arise now and again, and settle back to peace.

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  • Me.

    “Greatness is not in where we stand, but in what direction we are moving. We must sail sometimes with the wind and sometimes against it — but sail we must and not drift, nor lie at anchor.”  Oliver Wendell Holmes 

     

    I am surprising myself that I have continued to sail, although I haven’t met really strong head winds, just a few strong breezes in the past 50 days.

     

    I have 50 more to go and I don’t know what each new day brings, what winds will blow into my day, but so far I get my sailing done first thing in the morning, I make that leg of the journey perhaps before the winds begin to blow in the calm waters of the dawn.

     

    This is so not like me, I used to be the martyr and nibble on the leftovers of the day, the few crumbs of time and the bottom of energy tank, and those I chose for mine.

     

    Usually there wasn’t much there to do anything with, but sleep.  I slept to be a martyr again.

     

    As I now take from the top of the tank, I feel that I am stronger within myself and that is what I now bring to each situation that arises.

    I used to have a shame muscle that would operate if I were to focus so much on my self, to take the time off the top for me, to use my time and my energy for me.  How dare you, it would say!

     

    How dare I not.  My body is so much better, my disposition feels calmer, and my whole life feels more in control when I am in control of me in my life.

     

    It has taken me 51 years to realize the only one who can take care of me is me and if I drain my tank without first filling me up, we all suffer.

     

    My tank is full, the day has begun, I now have something to give to my day, Me!

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  • I have just begun.

    Just two weeks to go in completing the 60-day challenge, and I am quite sure I am changing it to the 100-day challenge.

     

    Mary Jarvis says, “Day 60 -90, your body shape seems to suddenly change at an exponential rate, though you may not notice.  These are the days when you start to hear all the “Wow, you look great!  What are you doing?” comments.  These 30 days are usually your best 30 days.” 

     

    So I am thinking if I stop at 60, I will miss the best days of all, like walking out without dessert. 

     

    I will go along as far as I can, but my sights are now on 100.  In two weeks I will begin the best 30 days, I have just two weeks left to unravel and unknot emotional twists and things that have held me hostage.  And then my body should adjust and open and change quickly now that there isn’t anything inside holding it back.  I can’t wait to see what 100 days will do.  I will then take pictures again. 

     

    It will be interesting to see how much my body changes in 100 days of Bikram!

     

    Inside I am happy I am not done, or almost done, for I don’t look done or act done or feel done, I feel like I have just begun!

     

     

  • Present moment

    What is Love? 

     

    “I love you today” is what I began saying to my husband, for it seemed most true.  I didn’t know how long I would feel that way, and it seemed to presume too much to say forever.  It seems more real to say ‘today’.

     

    He agreed, for we had weathered so many changes and we understood that we had no idea what may come, but today…if we felt it, we said it, but only for today. 

     

    It left us free to be with Love to follow love, to be present with Love, no matter what Love said.  It was a feeling inside of us we had no control over, we could only voice what we felt.

     

    I honor that feeling and speak truthfully about its presence.

     

    Inside of me stirs feelings of Love for many things, people and places, sunsets and rises, colors, art, courage in others, in truth, so many things make my insides come alive in overwhelming present moment feelings, that is Love.

     

    Love at times is very raw, open, and unknowing, aware of many emotions, receiving them all in the truth that they bring; that Love is alive the Present moment .

     

    Happy Valentine’s Day!

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  • Shore of Memories

    “Life is like a taxi. The meter just keeps a-ticking whether you are getting somewhere or just standing still.” –

    Lou Erickson

     

    Life indeed will pass by whether you are in the middle of a 60-day yoga challenge or not, whether you are waiting to begin or beginning where you are, days continue to move.

    Even the day itself seems to go by, daylight, darkness, one breath, on pose, we simply can’t stop it; we can stop, but it doesn’t stop.

    That is why the 60-day challenge is such a challenge, like life, it doesn’t wait until you are ready, each day like a peaceful breath arises and falls.

    We join the day, we join the moment, we play in time, but we don’t rule time.  We ride time like a wave rushing towards the shore, and then it disappears and a new one arises. 

    We get up each day on a new wave of time.

    Our free will decides if we sit and stare or participate, either way we are on the wave of time.

    Some days we may kick and scream going against the wave, others we simply lay back and let it flow away.  The wave doesn’t care one iota what you do it just flows away.  That is what time does it is just being time.

    It is a rhythm you have to catch, a flow you have to dance upon, it is there for our benefit, the backdrop behind all things.

    As this day unfolds see how much you can do on this one wave, before it crashes to the shore of memories.

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  • Just me.

    When Oprah did the interviews with the Sexual Predators, her main intentions was to sit in a nonjudgmental space where they could tell their side. 

     

    In doing so, she was able to hear why and how, and then for those of us who were abused in the audience, we could see we were targeted, groomed, lured and sought after, and it set us free.

     

    She also spoke of the child who had to take care of her self, and how if she looked in the window of her childhood home, she would see herself alone. This is what the predators see, NO one is there watching the child.

     

    What is so sad about this is the child is seeking someone to take care of them, and in pops this sexual predator and gives them the attention they crave. 

     

    We want someone to take care of us, make us feel special and they do, but with the ultimate goal of abuse.

     

    It occurred to me today in yoga, is that the little girl who was so not seen, is still seeking to be seen.  Just see me.

     

    See me.

     

    See me hurt, see me lost, see me confused, see me broken, see me and help me, or see me helping me, fixing me, doing good for me, just see me, and acknowledge me.

     

    I turned into this seeking device.

     

    Forever seeking attention, seeking help, seeking love, seeking safety, seeking comfort, seeking peace, seeking, seeking, seeking, I am so tired of seeking.

     

    To feel the uselessness of waiting this long, to once again have to be strong enough to take care of myself, leaves you breathless and weak, yet strong.

     

    As tears flowed once again, it felt like I was once again left alone to heal, that no one on the outside could help, even if they wanted to.

     

    It was up to me.

     

    I had to be with me. 

    To be with me for me alone, not for someone else’s approval.

    Just do me for me.

     

    It was up to me once again to be with myself to not wait for the other to make me feel good, or to be proud, to heal my wounds, or myself and that I am the one I was waiting for.

     

    I was waiting for me to be with me, to not make excuses, be too busy, to this or to that.

     

    By doing this yoga challenge for 60 days, it is making me pay attention to me each day; I am giving me what I needed the most, me.

     

    A me that is good enough, I am good enough alone, just me.

     

     

     

  • Feminine Self

    My 40th yoga session followed right behind a two-hour Oprah interview with 4 sexual predators and a book I was reading called “The Flying Boy” by John Lee.

     

    As I began yoga and on the Standing Head to Knee pose, as I went to pick up my left leg, which is weak and unbendable the thought came to me, “my feminine side was crippled or broken” and tears began to flow.

     

    It was like my body felt relieved that I could acknowledge this.  I felt such compassion for the wounded feminine parts of me as I lovingly stood there on one leg holding my left/feminine side.

     

    This alone would be a huge gift on day 40, but on we go. 

     

    I get to the Balancing Stick pose and as I raise my hands above my head and I begin to breathe, another profound thought comes in, “I am only responsible for love and trust,” and again tears come and a huge lightness to my shoulders.  As I was breathing in I was feeling only being responsible for bringing trust and love to my relationship with my abuser, my father.

     

    I am innocent of being responsible or guilty for the abuse.

     

    I then proceed to hold the pose of Balancing Stick for all but the last one, for on that one, again I was eager to tell you about this, and lost the connection.

     

    Those are two gifts this yoga gave me today, the realization that my feminine side is damaged, but with good reason, and that I am free of carrying the weight of guilt and shame or blame.  My shoulders literally felt lighter yet again.

     

    As I went into the floor Separate Head to Knee, where my left hip usually screams, I told it, “it is okay I understand your hurt,” and I was able to do this without pain, not perfect, not farther, but with ease and more tears. 

     

    It is like I am recognizing the physical manifestations this body has held.

     

    An overwhelming sadness came in knowing that I have lived so long without this side, this softness, this trusting openness, how hard and stiff it has left me, struggling to be stronger, tougher, when what I needed was to be more relaxed and soft. 

     

    Bikram is right, “you have no idea what yoga can do for you, Yoga makes you you.”

     

    As one predator stated, “I killed the person she could have been.”  And he is right.  But they only win if we don’t bring her back!  I intend to return to my full healthy loving trusting feminine self!

     

  • The only enemy was my belief

    When I had written the ‘community approval’ concept down yesterday, it followed me one step behind, lingering and pestering me, as to why?

     

    Why do I seek to find affirmations about my life in others, or why does someone disagreeing with me threaten me?  Why are there always they and we, two sides, friendly and foe?

     

    Why can’t it just be one whole bunch, like we are all equal?

     

    And it then occurred to me that the bases of my old religion was that we were special, the chosen one, the one and only path to God, the right Church, and all who didn’t believe as Us, went to Hell.  Them and us a definite split, God’s children and I guess the Devil’s spawn.

     

    It was from this basis I was raised always seeking to divide and separate.

     

    In fact it was preached to us to stay away from the enemy, to only congregate with our own.

     

    There is this identifier within me, this mode of operating that I seek only those who match me, and then disregard the rest.

     

    It is an enemy reflex muscle, always scooping the terrain for the ‘other’!

    I can feel how this plays out everywhere in my life, in little nuances and in large ways, always on the look out for the enemy and to self protect.

     

    I am now outside of the narrow religion but still using its tools to navigate and to communicate. 

     

    With the dawning yesterday I feel that that old tool lost its power, and that I will now operate from the standpoint we are all equal, totally, there is no enemy.

     

    In fact the only enemy is believing there is an enemy.

     

    The only enemy was my belief.

     

  • You Be You

    “I don't know what is best for me, or you, or the world. I don't try to impose my will on you or anyone else.  I don't want to change you or improve you or convert you or help you or heal you. I just welcome things as they come and go. That's true love. The best way of leading people is to let them find their own way."

               Byron Katie

    An old friend surfaced and I felt myself not being seen or validated, and what instead was happening, is that I wasn’t validating her. 

    The stress inside of me was that I wanted her to be where she wasn’t, to speak and think in a way that was impossible for her to do so.

    I wanted her to have my relationship with God, my experiences of life, and my views and to feel what it is like to be in my shoes.  Insane?  How unkind of me to not understand that she simply can’t, for she is in her own life doing her own thing. 

    How awesome we each get our own life, our own business and our own pathway to God.

    There is an article “Seana Corn’s First Lesson in Yoga, (on Oprah.com click on Spirit) which again expresses that all people are on their own path, which is what I needed to read today, it cemented in me, that her and I are both right in our own way.

    I no longer feel the need for her approval or validation, I allow her to be on her own pathway, but without resentment towards her.

    So quickly I get lost in the community approval thing, where I seek another’s validation, like that will make my life better, easier or more than it already is.

    I truly honor her path, wherever IT leads her, and I am sooo grateful that I am not a ‘leader’ for her, for I have no clue what is best for her, like not even a little.

    It is amazing the way the resentment dies as soon as I accepted her as herself.

    You be you…

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