I M Perfect lady

Category: FALC

  • The Net will Open

    "Repetition is not failure. Ask the waves, ask the leaves, ask the wind. There is no expected pace for inner learning. What we need to learn comes when we need it, no matter how old or young, no matter how many times we have to start over, no matter how many times we have to learn the same lesson. We fall down as many times as we need to, to learn how to fall and get up. We fall in love as many times as we need to, to learn how to hold and be held. We misunderstand the many voices of truth as many times as we need to, to truly hear the choir of diversity that surrounds us. We suffer our pain as often as is necessary for us to learn how to break and how to heal. No one really likes this, of course, but we deal with our dislike in the same way, again and again, until we learn what we need to know about the humility of acceptance."  Mark Nepo, The book of Awakening

    Isn't it funny how we don't want to repeat things, but want things to stay the same, and oh, we want things to change without having to change.

    We can either be a willing participant in the flow of life as a learner or we can be dragged kicking and screaming into the next lesson, and the next lesson.  

    The Universe is set up for ultimate learning…each lesson gets repeated Until you get it.  It doesn't allow skipping ahead. Some may not see the lesson the first time or the 100th time.  Others learn to ask, "What is this situation here to teach me?"

    I look at myself in life either standing with the Universe/reality or against it. Most of my life lessons have been to show me where I have been blind.  Where the Universe and I did not match.  My 'truths' and The Truth were miles apart.

    I have learned to be a good learner…and to be willing to let my ideas, thoughts and beliefs, be wrong.

    Here is today's reading by Mark Nepo.

    "Far out at sea, a tuna fleet surrounded a group of spinner dolphins swimming over a school of tuna, catching them in a gigantic net. Small, powerful speedboats circled the animals, creating a wall of sound that disoriented and terrified the dolphins, who sank down silently into the net, only the movement of their eyes showing signs of life. But when a dolphin crossed the corkline at the edge of the net, it knew it was free. It burst forward, propelled by powerful wide tail strokes…. It then dove, swimming at full speed … down and away into the dark water, only to burst from the surface in a high bounding series of leaps." —JEFFREY MOUSSAIEFF MASSON 

    "This dolphin moment reveals a recurring sequence for us as human beings. Confined against our will—or even sometimes confined with our own consent—we go lifeless as we feel the need for space. Feeling confined, fearful, enervated, not sure where the edge of the net is—this is the depressive, confusing struggle that always precedes freedom."

    "But like these magnificent dolphins, we know the instant we are free, as an inner power overwhelms us, and we are compelled with joy to explore the deep which gives us the grace to break the surface, bounding briefly into a Oneness that is hard to imagine."  

    "This whole process describes in a moment of nature what Carl Jung called “the way of individuation”: how a divided individual sorts through their deepest confinements in order to pursue a wholeness of being."

    "If we have a call, it is to outlast the net so we can dive and break surface."  Mark Nepo

    I love how he says, "Confined against our will—or even sometimes confined with our own consent—we go lifeless as we feel the need for space. Feeling confined, fearful, enervated, not sure where the edge of the net is—this is the depressive, confusing struggle that always precedes freedom."

    Confined WITH our consent, is the key phrase…and how depressive, confusing struggle is what comes before freedom!

    Who knew that confusing depressive feelings are the struggle that will gain your freedom. To sit with those feelings and question your confinement.

    Feeling confused is a good thing…it means you are noticing the net…the individual you is stirring. Listen and feel…be aware. Watch your actions, your thoughts and others.  

    It may be time to start the lessons of your truth…how are you seeing reality and how do you feel in your reality.

    My body wasn't at peace in my old reality…I was no longer willing to be confined by the churches narrow individual stealing beliefs.  I was stirring before my childhood abuse truth surfaced.

    What I know, is that there are more women like me out there. Who are restless. Who are wanting something more. Who are tired trying to make work, that which is impossible to make work. Who are empty of self. Who are wanting more freedom to be, who are straining for the opening in the net…

    Within the churches pews are women who don't know how to begin to begin…who have never swam alone, never gone against the teachings of the church and family…who find themselves in abusive relationships, without skills to escape the net.

    A few have made it out….the path is being cleared.  Strength comes in knowing you are not alone.  You are not the only one, but one in many.  It wasn't your fault.  You were born into a system fully in play.

    The day will come when it is your time to slip the net. You will know. You will reach the moment when you know it is over. When you know you have to leave or die inside the net.

    Once I cleared the net…empowerment truly came.  Self empowerment…a free individual…strong in following my own truth.

    Tom Rosemurgy- (trosemurgy@houghtonsheriff.com )and Dial Help (482-9077) are two key places that will help you transition…they can partner with you on your exit out.

    And I am here to lend what I know.  bjukuri@hotmail.com

    Reach out….and the net will open.

    You are not alone.  




  • A Pretend Life.

    Ed Bacon writes about Truth in his book, "8 Habits of Love – Open Your Heart, Open Your Mind".

    "It is important to remember that Truth is not a set of ideas anyone can memorize or systematize and then expect to earn some sort of certificate of accomplishment. Truth cannot be fully contained in one’s mind, words, concepts, or thoughts— it is too alive, vast, and out of human control for that. Rather, Truth is a constantly unfolding series of insights, understandings, revelations, and epiphanies about ourselves and how the world works. Not only do we learn from Truth until we take our last breath, but it has the potential to galvanize change on a large scale."

    "Recognize that no Truth can be entirely free of fear. My mentor, Rabbi Friedman, taught me that we may sometimes have to temporarily cut off relations with others in order to establish a healthier foundation for resuming that connection later. This can be a way of affirming that you are, in fact, open to the possibility of building a love-based relationship in the future, but to do so you must turn away from the old, destructive narrative for a while."

    "At times, living with our Truth will seem risky and alienating. We may struggle and need to take a hard look at why we do what we do and why we believe what we believe. Throughout our lives, when Truth leads us to a new level of understanding and defines our lives and our values, it often informs us that we are about to be transformed by setting up some internal conflict. If you experience this struggle and confusion, remember that this conflict is never the last word. The last word is a newfound and deeply founded peace and fortification to live our lives free from fear and in the embrace of our loving selves."  Ed Bacon

    I believe that I used to think, that certain people had a handle on truth, and the rest of us just 'believed' them.  Like for example, the church.  It seemed that I gave up all my own free investigation of my own life and handed it over to the church.  The church was the keeper of what is true and what is good, and I didn't have to worry, in fact, they wanted us to believe like a child.  Resting in the fact, that they would take care of us.

    They decided what was good and what was evil for me.  I didn't get to experience life and find that out for myself. Being born into this religion you were not given the opportunity to decide for yourself…you only have this as your guidepost about life. 

    I looked up the word Truth.  That which is true or in accordance with fact or reality: "tell me the truth".

    Truth being one with reality or fact…when often times many will want to hold a truth that has no roots…but it is a 'belief'…handed down.

    My life was based on the truth of the church and it wasn't until my whole life fell apart, did I realize I must be the one to discern what is true for me.

    My Truth I discovered had to be grounded in reality.  I would not just 'believe' but rather I looked for facts and actions…and in doing so, It led me to be the odd man out.

    Most folks do not care whether their lives are rooted in truth.  What they care most about are keeping old relationships and ways of life that they are comfortable with.

    To live by your own authenticity and integrity will require you to stand in awkward places and oftentimes, stand alone with your truth.  

    It seems that humanity likes to clump together, to feel that the more people you have believing in a truth, the more truthful that truth is…but, I have read "Even if a million people believe something that is untrue, it still is untrue."

    I used to find comfort in numbers and not in the truth.

    Now, I get unsettled when I can't find the roots of truth.  I don't like truth that has no ground to it.  My mind can't believe things without roots…nor can it pretend a truth into being.

    I have lived a life with truths that had no meaning and it was a very disturbing life upon waking up.  Now, I would rather be disturbed while awake…and see the truth.

    I believe most people believe that they are living a very truthful life, that their actions and words are all rooted in a truthful system…but very few have excavated their belief systems or questioned their lives.  

    And, I guess if your life is working for you, there are no reasons to begin to look deeply at why you do that which you do. Why you believe what you believe. Why you see the world as you see it. There is no need, until the world tilts and your life becomes a complicated mess.

    What I do know, is that the truth was never hidden in my world, but rather my mind believed things that were not true.  I acted from a point of falsehood and called it my truth.

    Calling it MY Truth, didn't make it true.

    After years of living a life that wasn't grounded in facts or reality, I now am a stickler for them…I want me to be at one with truth, no matter the cost.

    And the cost oftentimes is quite high.

    But, I would rather rest in the truth, than to live a life detached from it.

    Detached from the truth is to be living a pretend life…




  • Grace of Truth

    One factor in abuse, is that many are taught the wrong definition of "Unconditional" love.  Here is what Mark Nepo says about that.

    "Unconditional love is not so much about how we receive and endure each other, as it is about the deep vow to never, under any condition, stop bringing the flawed truth of who we are to each other."

    "Much is said about unconditional love today, and I fear that it has been misconstrued as an extreme form of “turning the other cheek,” which to anyone who has been abused is not good advice. However, this exaggerated passivity is quite different from the unimpeded flow of love that carries who we are."

    "In truth, unconditional love does not require a passive acceptance of whatever happens in the name of love. Rather, in the real spaces of our daily relationships, it means maintaining a commitment that no condition will keep us from bringing all of who we are to each other honestly."

    "For example, on any given day, I might be preoccupied with my own needs, and might overlook or bruise what you need and hurt you. But then you tell me and show me your hurt, and I feel bad, and you accept that sometimes I go blind to those around me. But we look deeply on each other, and you accept my flaws, but not my behavior, and I am grateful for the chance to work on myself. Somehow, it all brings us closer."

    "Unconditional love is not the hole in us that receives the dirt, but the sun within that never stops shining."  Mark Nepo "The Book of Awakening"

    The FALC, preaches "forgiveness of sins" in a way that is strikingly similar to the messed up unconditional love Mark speaks of.  The reason that sexual and physical abuse is so prevalent in the church is that the women and children (or the abused) are taught it isn't loving to have conditons.  

    What seems insanity is what they call loving forgiveness.

    They are taught, there is no sin too great to forgive. You are to grow your love to encompass all madness and abusive behavior. The bigger the mess the more you have to expand your love to enfold it.  And if you can't, you are weak of faith.

    You are not loving enough, good enough, trying hard enough….etc.  NOT, that the EVIL is evil and you can't be loving enough to change it. 

    Women who are taught to be loving and kind to evil is how evil gets passed on.

    Teaching women who have had no boundaries to start standing up is very risky as well, but I can feel the restlessness and when one makes it out, others will follow.

    Tom Rosemurgy and Dial Help are two places where these women can go…

    I see the overview of the church as an incredible nest of evil and those who were taught to tolerate and love it.

    The sheer volume of women and children who allow and agree to being treated poorly in the name of love and Jesus is mind blowing at best.  Who in their right mind would believe that Jesus would bless this evil?

    Mind controlling love is the only way this evil will survive.  

    I am hopeful, that there has been a leak in the system. That the new generation of women are stirring, that they are bolder, stronger and will not lie down in god's peace…but will rise and fight for themselves and their children.

    The way sexual abuse and evil have been protected in the FALC, makes me shudder and grow cold.  The complete opposite of what many believe…the church to be.  There  is no peace of God in there.  None. It is the play ground of the devil…where love is stolen to support evil.

    I feel the foundations are beginning to crumble…we are no longer silent about the treatment…and more importantly, the forgiveness of sins is failing miserably.

    It is taught, that you can't get to heaven until you have your sins forgiven….what they really are teaching, is that evil needs to be forgiven.  Evil needs to be washed clean, time and time again…and it needs the women and children to do this.

    I feel the women are tired.  The pain has had its toll. The inner stirrings are growing stronger than the 'faith' in unconditional love. 

    I am hopeful, that one by one the numbers will grow and expand.  It will be a split like this church has never seen.  This time they will be leaving, not to find a new religion, but to end to abuse.

    Women will be leaving hell holes of god's peace…into the Grace of Truth.

    (I use a small g in god's peace…for this is the private hand shake among the FALC, and I feel there is no peace of God in that church.  Not in the evil doers, nor in the ones who suffer beneath them.)



  • Extreme was Normal.

    In Michael Singer's book, "The Untethered Soul – The journey beyond yourself" he writes about balance or how it is to live in the extremes.

    "The more extreme you are, the less forward movement there is. You carve a groove and you get stuck in it. Then there’s no energy moving you in the Tao; it’s all being spent serving the extremes. The Way is in the middle because that’s the place where the energies are balanced. But how do you stop the pendulum from swinging to the outer edges? Amazingly enough, you do this by leaving it alone. It won’t keep swinging to the extremes unless you feed the extremes with energy. Just let the extremes go. Don’t participate in them, and the pendulum will naturally come toward the center. As it comes to the center, you will get filled with energy. This is because all the energy that had been wasted is now available to you." 

     "If you choose to center and not participate in the extremes, you will come to know the Tao. You don’t grab it; you don’t even touch it. It’s just what the energy does when it’s not being used to swing toward the extremes. It finds its own way to the center of each event that takes place in life and remains quietly in the middle. The Tao is hollow, empty. Like the eye of a hurricane, its power is its emptiness. All things swirl around it, but it is unmoved. The swirl of life draws its energy from the center and the center draws its energy from the swirl of life. All these laws are the same— in weather, in nature, and in every aspect of your life." 

    "As you center by not participating in the swings, the energies will naturally find their balance. You will become much clearer because so much energy is flowing up in you. The experience of being present in each moment will become your natural state. You won’t be fixated on certain things or caught up in thoughts about the opposites. As you get clearer, life’s events will actually seem to unfold in slow motion. Once this happens, events will no longer seem confusing or overwhelming, no matter what they are."  Michael Singer

    I completely understand this, how those who care less, have the most power, for they are not worried about taking care of the extremes.  He gives an example…

    "Basically, you waste tremendous energy at the extremes. The more extreme it is, the more it becomes a full-time project. For example, the relationship in which you insist upon being together all the time would be a full-time job. The only way you could have another job is if you both did the same work at the same desk. At the other extreme, if you had no relationship and you were lonely and depressed all the time, you couldn’t accomplish much. So again, it takes all your energy to do the extremes. The inefficiency of your actions is determined by how many degrees off-center you are. You will be that much less able to use your energy for living life because you are using it to adjust for the pendulum swings. Extremes are good teachers. When you examine the extremes, it’s easy to see the effects of imbalanced behavior patterns." Michael

    This has got to be one of the hardest things I had to learn…for lived in the extremes…either caring too much or not at all…to find the spot of it not mattering either way, but yet being in power of myself was an extremely hard to do.  I literally had to talk myself off of the extreme ledge.

    And, more importantly come to believe in the middle.

    It seems insane that I had to convince myself that being safe in the middle of empowerment of self was far better than living on the edge feeling control by the virtue of being at home out of control.  I know that this is a confusing sentence, but then so was my life.

    My power now is when I am not wanting anything too desperately.

    I can't care too much and I can't complete give up….instead I live in the middle and wonder which way will the Universe play this out.

    I have to be in the game, but not betting on either end.

    I live mostly in the center.  There are times, when I scurry to the edge and want to camp there, but I feel so yucky feeling so powerless and pathetic….so I I let go and bounce back to center.

    It is such an interesting dance once you understand the difference of how it feels inside to want something so desperately and being so powerless to do anything….it is then, you have to let go.

    Amazingly letting go immediately takes you back to the middle of "it can't matter" and that I will be okay, NO MATTER which way it goes.

    I know that when the stakes are the highest, when you believe that your life will either be worth living or not worth living, it is then you have to let go.

    I had a saying I used to fool myself…I would say "for now".  I will let them go for now…but not putting the tag of "forever" on the end.  I could always let go for a few minutes, a few hours and eventually for days, weeks….and years.

    My life would be one big sob, if I still lived on the extreme ends.

    I have learned by sorrow to stay away from the edges.  It seems that insanity lives on the edges and in the middle is a balanced life.  A life without preferences.

    I had to remove what I wanted…

    I had to accept what was.

    I didn't know how I would live away from the edge, for the edge held my old life.

    When you think about abuse and cult like religions….they both are extremes.

    I was raised to feel extreme was normal.  

  • Believer of Reality.

    In the past few days, I have been wondering about the way people do not see other people, perhaps they hear their words, but totally let words eclipse an action…or let a label cover up all awkward and often hurtful actions.  How our minds love to create a different image than what is before us.

    Dr. Maya Angelou said, "People show you who they are, believe them the first time."

    The first time someone does something that is off key or not right, or goes against who you thought they were, BELIEVE the action…And change the words about them.

    When you don't believe it and go back to your original thoughts about who they are, you are willingly allowing them to hurt you.

    Yet, here is another huge pothole.  We have been taught as little children "If you dont' have anything NICE to say, say nothing at all.  We are not taught to see reality, we are taught to overlook the bad stuff.  It is seen as not nice to notice someone behaving badly.

    And then the good ole church, erasing all the negative behaviors by the WORDS spoken.  Leading us to believe that the words are more powerful than any action.

    Within the pews of the FALC, are abusers sitting in the lap of never being held accountable, for they are relying upon the good 'graces' of the abused.  "Bless me" will return the monster back into a husband, father, brother etc.

    However, sitting next to them in the pews are very damaged abused folks.

    The blessing does nothing to erase the trauma suffered by the 'sin' of the abuser.

    "When People show you who they are BELIEVE them.  Blessing away, trying to erase the action in your mind.  Trying to 'forgive and forget' will not ease the trauma suffered, OR stop the abuser.  

    Changing our minds about an action seems like first grade…but it is much harder when in our lives, we have lived by the premise that the mind can make corrections in reality….when in fact REALITY cannot be change.

    Which is why I so love the definition of forgiveness that I learned from Martha Beck. "Forgiveness is giving up all hope for the past to have been any different."

    It is about getting your mind to give up hope for a different outcome.

    I had to give up all hope of my father being a loving kind man.  He is evil.

    He hurts little girls.  I have forgiven him, by not expecting him to be any different than he is….My mind is at one with reality.

    "When people show you who they are, Believe Them.  Don't rush to your mind for a kinder definition.  Don't try and make them into something that they can't be. Don't try and fit an evil man into a kind label of father, let the actions rule.

    Most people will show you who they are, in time.  You have to always be willing to change your mind, when people change their actions.

    Holding out hope, and clinging to the image in your mind, is hopeless.  

    I have lived in insanity where I wasn't at all with the actions of reality and I have lived directed by actions only…the words became faint and meaningless.  Of the two ways, reality is much easier to navigate.  And, it leaves each to their own lives and responsible for their own actions.

    In a dysfunctional home, it seems most of our lives are made to cover up the evil that lives there. It is a mortal sin to expose the evil.  What holds most dysfunctional families together is the cover up…yet the whole while they are working to make the top look good, the evil is flowing into the next generation.

    In all abusive situations, the family is the biggest contributor to evil not being seen, heard or addressed.  Evil wears the label dad. Evil is to be blessed.  Evil is not spoken about.  Evil is not allowed to be in your mind. You are not allowed to change the file father and put in monster.

    It is incredible, the amount of so called intelligent people who will not stand in reality and call a thing a thing, as Iyanla Vanzant says.  

    Call a thing a thing.

    Don't call a pedophile a dad.

    The thing that screws with the psyche is this inability to see reality and to change your mind.  The mind refuses to change.

    Or, you refuse to change your mind.  For if you change your mind, you will have to change your life.  

    When you call a thing a thing, you will then be headed down a new road.

    One, where many may not follow.  

    For when you discover the Mental Mind that hasn't been calling a thing a thing, you will discover plenty of insane beliefs. Beliefs that you built a whole world around.

    Once you see the insane mind looking like a fool against reality, you have woken up.

    "When People Show you Who they ARE, believe them the first time!"

    I am a believer of reality.



  • Believer of Reality.

    In the past few days, I have been wondering about the way people do not see other people, perhaps they hear their words, but totally let words eclipse an action…or let a label cover up all awkward and often hurtful actions.  How our minds love to create a different image than what is before us.

    Dr. Maya Angelou said, "People show you who they are, believe them the first time."

    The first time someone does something that is off key or not right, or goes against who you thought they were, BELIEVE the action…And change the words about them.

    When you don't believe it and go back to your original thoughts about who they are, you are willingly allowing them to hurt you.

    Yet, here is another huge pothole.  We have been taught as little children "If you dont' have anything NICE to say, say nothing at all.  We are not taught to see reality, we are taught to overlook the bad stuff.  It is seen as not nice to notice someone behaving badly.

    And then the good ole church, erasing all the negative behaviors by the WORDS spoken.  Leading us to believe that the words are more powerful than any action.

    Within the pews of the FALC, are abusers sitting in the lap of never being held accountable, for they are relying upon the good 'graces' of the abused.  "Bless me" will return the monster back into a husband, father, brother etc.

    However, sitting next to them in the pews are very damaged abused folks.

    The blessing does nothing to erase the trauma suffered by the 'sin' of the abuser.

    "When People show you who they are BELIEVE them.  Blessing away, trying to erase the action in your mind.  Trying to 'forgive and forget' will not ease the trauma suffered, OR stop the abuser.  

    Changing our minds about an action seems like first grade…but it is much harder when in our lives, we have lived by the premise that the mind can make corrections in reality….when in fact REALITY cannot be change.

    Which is why I so love the definition of forgiveness that I learned from Martha Beck. "Forgiveness is giving up all hope for the past to have been any different."

    It is about getting your mind to give up hope for a different outcome.

    I had to give up all hope of my father being a loving kind man.  He is evil.

    He hurts little girls.  I have forgiven him, by not expecting him to be any different than he is….My mind is at one with reality.

    "When people show you who they are, Believe Them.  Don't rush to your mind for a kinder definition.  Don't try and make them into something that they can't be. Don't try and fit an evil man into a kind label of father, let the actions rule.

    Most people will show you who they are, in time.  You have to always be willing to change your mind, when people change their actions.

    Holding out hope, and clinging to the image in your mind, is hopeless.  

    I have lived in insanity where I wasn't at all with the actions of reality and I have lived directed by actions only…the words became faint and meaningless.  Of the two ways, reality is much easier to navigate.  And, it leaves each to their own lives and responsible for their own actions.

    In a dysfunctional home, it seems most of our lives are made to cover up the evil that lives there. It is a mortal sin to expose the evil.  What holds most dysfunctional families together is the cover up…yet the whole while they are working to make the top look good, the evil is flowing into the next generation.

    In all abusive situations, the family is the biggest contributor to evil not being seen, heard or addressed.  Evil wears the label dad. Evil is to be blessed.  Evil is not spoken about.  Evil is not allowed to be in your mind. You are not allowed to change the file father and put in monster.

    It is incredible, the amount of so called intelligent people who will not stand in reality and call a thing a thing, as Iyanla Vanzant says.  

    Call a thing a thing.

    Don't call a pedophile a dad.

    The thing that screws with the psyche is this inability to see reality and to change your mind.  The mind refuses to change.

    Or, you refuse to change your mind.  For if you change your mind, you will have to change your life.  

    When you call a thing a thing, you will then be headed down a new road.

    One, where many may not follow.  

    For when you discover the Mental Mind that hasn't been calling a thing a thing, you will discover plenty of insane beliefs. Beliefs that you built a whole world around.

    Once you see the insane mind looking like a fool against reality, you have woken up.

    "When People Show you Who they ARE, believe them the first time!"

    I am a believer of reality.



  • The Pathology that Ends Abuse.

    What is the pathology of family and how is this passed on to each generation?

    I looked up the word, "Pathology".

    "The science of the causes and effects of diseases and Pathological features considered collectively; the typical behavior of a disease."

    "The process of defining a condition or behavior."  and "The study of the essential nature of diseases and especially of the structural and functional changes produced by them. 2. : something abnormal:

    The pathology of the family is the science of how it was created and how it functions.  The structure. The typical behavior.  And when abuse is handed down, how the abnormality was formed.

    Most define an abusive family and point at one character; a single person who is acting out evil thoughts.  What many fail to consider is that the abusers are typically in an environment that allows it.  There are many who support their evil actions.  The abusers are living in an evil friendly environment, otherwise, they would be asked to leave.

    The conditions and behaviors within a family are condusive to embracing evil…by the typical behavior or response to negative actions.

    The pathology of abuse is not confined to the perpetrator…but to the surrounding landscape of his or her relationships that allow this behavior to continue.  

    No boundaries to ward of evil behaviors.

    I have been extremely curious as to the character flaws of the many who knew and did nothing upon hearing that my father abused girls.  Its pathology is more confusing than that of my father.  

    My father is one of the low percentages of people who abuse as a result of being abused.  The rest of the folks don't abuse, but they don't see abuse.

    Say the percentages of folks who were abused in childhood are 10% will abuse, that leaves 90 % who will not perform evil acts, but they will not be able to ward them off.

    What I have experienced is this apathy…this frozen immovable nature of doing nothing when abuse enters a room, enters a relationship, becomes known.  Nothing. The reason abuse continues is not that the abusers are abusing, BUT that the rest are doing nothing.

    Nothing against abuse… but work to make a family a family by not looking at abuse.

    I am not sure I can articulate the insanity of the pathology of what keeps a family tree infected. It isn't that there is an abusive person sitting on the limb, but rather the rest are pretending it doesn't exist.

    And pretending is not even true. For they know it is there, but they will not respond to it.  And if they only quickly glance, they feel that they don't have to change one single thing in their lives.  As a brother-in-law said when he heard about my father…"He will not have the satisfaction of ruining my life."

    Is it really more powerful to not change when you discover abuse lives in your family?  This is what abusers pray for…for nothing to change!

    The greatest gift we can give all abusers is to do nothing.  To NOT allow them to ruin our lives, BUT instead go on and live AS IF NOTHING happened.

    I see this do nothing pathology as the strongest link in abuse being able to flourish, for there are no boundaries in its way.

    The pathology of my childhood was blindness where evil was concerned.  And blindness and deafness towards any mention of the unmentionable….abuse.

    Instead they speak louder of the family unit.  Sisters loving sisters….their reunions remind me of my mother's. Where two sisters never came. It didn't stop the reunions from happening, NOR did it stop the abuse.  By God, we have a loving family….look at the reunions, not who stayed away!

    Ironically or not, I have had two dreams of me, my mother, and a few sisters.  In the first one, I was trying to speak and warn them, to say what I know, and the words would not come out….but a whisper.  I was trying to speak, but couldn't catch my breath.  The second dream, I was clear and articulate and they would not hear me…they kept talking about things that I was not talking about.  I am telling them of children in danger and one sister wanted me to see her husband's truck.

    These two dream sequences artfully display my road. It takes great effort to talk against the majority, and, when I do, no one will listen, but instead try to divert my attention.

    Our pathology of abuse within the Huhta family continues…reunions of laughter, while abuse is allowed to run free. 

    My sisters tightening the bound between them…keeping family unchanged…being more powerful than the abuse that lingers is the pathology that is the perfect environment for abuse.

    I see them marching on as Doris did.  Bold, strong, determined to keep her family together, her brothers and her husband.  Knowing as I do, that her family had a pedophile or two in the mix….and, we know her husband.  She wasn't going to let their actions ruin her family.

    Her blindness was her strength…is what I had said about her.  This pathology is what she gave to my sisters.  

    They will argue and say I am being a spoil sport. They will defend the sisters, the family unit and in doing so pass on the pathology.  No abuser, or one speaking of abuse, will ruin their reunion!  No one can talk louder than their laughter.  

    I would have loved to talk to the Aunts who stayed away from my mother's reunions. I would have loved to know why?

    What I believe is that by dealing with the abuse, I will save my family.  Perhaps not my brothers/sisters and their children, but my own.  I will introduce them to the abuse that flows in our pathology. I will let them know when their actions mimic its insidious nature.  I will stand bold, powerful and strong as they work to eradicate its tendrils in their lives.  I am okay being on the outside of this pathology of doing nothing.  

    The pathology I want to leave my son and daughters is the pathology that ends abuse.





  • Side of the Parent.

    I listened to Andrew Vachss and Oprah sharing each others thoughts about children who have been abused and what is helpful or not helpful to the child…as well as the abusers.  He is a lawyer who defends children for free. He funds this by writing novels.  I ordered his book, "Another Chance to get it Right."

    Today what I learned was that children will turn one of three ways after abuse; Inward against themselves…outward against society…or turn insane.  None of the three is a path of pure potential.  What our challenge then is is to turn back to being empowered with self pride and self worth. Instead of beating ourselves or others or just going out of our minds.

    He also stated that there are sick people who have thoughts about abusing children and then there are evil people who not only have thoughts about hurting children, but actually act upon it.  That part of the sexual gratification is to hurt someone.  It isn't a by product, but part of the main act.  It is required to have someone in fear and pain.

    He and I agree on the way most handle forgiveness of these evil folks…is when you forgive them, you are releasing them to hurt again.  This is not helpful.  It is not caring if they hurt another, just that you are safe.

    Evil folks know what they are doing.  If they say they are not aware, it is an outright lie.  The trade secrets of a abusers is to ask for US to forgive them…while they promise nothing.  No sorry, no "I will change and seek treatment" but rather they make us to do the work to restore their reputations….and we do.  

    He showed Oprah how she was part of the camouflage that protected her uncle, by not wanting to disrupt the family, and instead act normal. This is the exact behavior they depend upon to hide behind. You need to act normal so they can continue to prey upon the children. 

    What I have told so many members of the FALC, that while you look upon these pedophiles as normal, you are sending messages to the kids, that 'there is nothing wrong' with that man.  You are the camouflage he hides behind. You are shielding him!

    Andrew spoke of breaking the cycle of abuse by breaking apart the family. I agree.

    What he also brought to my attention is that people who have been abused will show outrage when hearing about another incident, but rarely show rage towards their own abusers.  He says, that until you are enraged at your abuser, you can't move on.

    You carry the weight of the rage within you.  I agree.

    I look forward to reading his book….

    He speaks from the viewpoint of the child.  Which I believe is the only way we will change the cycle of abuse.  No longer will it be politically correct to take the side of the parent!

  • Love has no Fear

    My journey of self exploration and discovery has unearthed a multiple of crossed wires and messy connections.  It appears that I was wired all wrong due to both the cult like religion as well as abuse…leaving my perception of the world askew. Being a mother, my gravest concern was in how much of my programming was ingested by my daughters.

    It isn't the physical act of abuse, but the screwy wiring that does the most damage.

    How will untangling my wires straighten out my daughters?  And will they each have to witness in their own lives the tangled mess of labeling what is good… bad and bad into good?  Will each of them have to stand head to head with reality and have to work their minds to see the truth?  Flipping it around and around like a rubic's cube.

    I am struck how incredibly hard it is to be the first to see the family perceptions are worn backwards.  How it is to be the first to awaken and look around….for others are seeing the world with backwards glasses and are not only content, but living in the lap of 'normal'… and safety.

    I believe that the legacy of abuse isn't just passing on egregious acts of abuse, but also passing on twisted perceptions to our children.

    Unless and until you have witnessed the contents of your mind being a complete representation of reality, you will not get this.

    My biggest failure as a mother, was handing down wrong perceptions of reality.

    Children come in with clear eyes and we cloud them over with a film of illusion…by coaching them to see the world through our eyes.

    My children were raised to see one way…and now I have changed the way I see things.  They now have a choice.  

    And, they will not know there is a choice, until they witness within themselves the horror of believing something to be good…only to find the shocking truth of what is really going on.

    I do find comfort in a few things. One that I can see clearly…if not right away, I can usually find my way clear after looking upon a situation from many points of Light.  

    And the biggest thing is that I realize the condition of my children's minds and how they got that way.  I understand them, because I understand me.

    I will not blame them on their poor choice.  I will see them making a choice based upon the wrong perceptions they were taught. 

    All I can do as a mom, is to point out the differences in reality. And leave the choice making up to them…and the consequences.

    For what is even worse than the mixed up wiring in your mind, is living with the consequences of those backwards choices.

    My mixed up mind made it okay to go to my father's home with my girls.  A home of a pedophile…was Grandpa's house.

    My mixed up mind felt at home in a cult.

    My mixed up mind could not see itself clear of the mess…for the mess itself presented the hugest obstacle.

    At times I feel the weight of all I taught so wrong…and at others feel great gulps of relief, knowing I am now able to help my children see…if and when they find themselves lost in-between reality and my old mind.

    The old saying "When the bird and the book disagree….believe the bird."  

    When reality and your mind disagree…believe that which you can touch and feel…and see without effort, without struggle.

    Reality in the raw doesn't need a belief or a thought to keep it standing up.  It stands on its own unaided…without words.

    Truth is hard to see when your mind has had you convinced it is good.  It will change to bad.

    My father's behaviors, his life, his history was completely eclipsed or overturned to be something the polar opposite…as did my mother's.

    Reality has stood the test of time.  It continues to reflect itself in the lives of my father's children and their children. 

    The legacy of not seeing clearly is how abuse slips undetected or is called Love and family.

    Missing reality, missing the mark,is the path that leads you away from your self and into a land of make believe.

    In reading Michael Singer's book, "The Untethered Soul"….it is mostly about being tethered to a mind that isn't with reality.  

    Abuse tethers the mind so you are held against your free will…to see that which isn't there to see.

    The abuser has convinced you that it is something that it isn't.

    It is a secret.  A private special interaction.  To be kept in the dark…away from family. It is something only you two have…excluding all others. You are tethered to the dark or you will lose their 'love'.

    Not unlike the FALC church. The only one going to Heaven…we are special, excluding all others.  The similarities of cult and abuse are remarkable…where fear and love go hand and hand.

    Love that isn't allowed into the light of day is not love it is abuse.  My mind is now clear on this.

    Love has no fear.




  • Abuse is actually showing.

    What I find so enthralling and terrorizing is that the imprint of abuse will show itself, until you process the abuse, without fail.  It will replicate itself verbatim to mimic the actual act.  Its feelings and depiction will not disappoint…unbeknownst to you, you will be an actor playing out your abuse time and time again, until you see that which is wrong. 

    What is so maddening is that you are the actor and the play and within it you have to find out what is not right.

     What many fail to recognize is that when you are abused when you are young and you go untreated, no one steps in to tell us what is right and what is wrong.

    So, when we step out into the world as young adults we seek love with the same definitions.  

     As a child whose father abused her, I believed that to be loving was to be a victim.  I felt comfortable or at home with a religion that didn't allow for free expression.

    I felt at home and at ease with a man who made all the decisions.  I wasn't shown how to be a strong individual….I was shown how to serve other people's needs first and always.  I became invisible in relationships.  I served to be loved.  If I didn't do something for you, then I wasn't being kind and loving.  I was not able to say no.

    No meant that I was unlovable.

     Looking at my life, I kept replicating that which I didn't know.  Victim. Powerless. Doing things I didn't want to do to be liked by powerful people.

     I would put myself into situations that would reflect my abuse to me.  Time and Time again, I would find myself in relationships where I was unseen…and I felt that the more I did, the more I would be seen…and the opposite would happen. The more I did, the less I was seen.  I would disappear…for I was taking care of others needs and never my own.  I disappeared to me.

     The church itself is red flag waving…or should I say a beacon for victims.  A home to feel powerless in. 

     The FALC owned my whole body and life. Just as my parents did.  The church owned my hair, I couldn't color it.  The church owned my fingernails…I couldn't paint them.

    The church owned my body; I couldn't have birth control. It would decide my life for me.  Sounds like power and control to me….which is abuse.

     What I didn't know, is that being comfortable in that church that had power over me, was replicating abuse.  I was comfortable without power.

     When I discovered that the church had blessed the man who abused me….I knew I was completely wrong about what I felt were high morals and values…inside its doctrine.  It was then that the comfortable became terrorizing.  

     Being unable to show my feelings of terror as a child, I then acted comfortable being powerless.  This definition showed itself repeatedly in my life.

    Until I was able to see that which I called comfortable was actually abuse.

     It would have been too much for a child to understand that her father was a monster and her mother didn't see that and the church blessed the monster….and that no one seen her.  So, I created a story of comfort in my mind.  And then, as I stepped out in the world I didn't remember that the files were wrong….until my whole file cabinet shattered in 2004.  My niece said out loud…"Grandpa touched me….molested me".  My comfortable spot became unbearable.

     What I had thought, was that everyone would be flipped around, when I was…but now I realize, that they were able to keep their comfortable files upright…and not see what I saw.  Yet, what I now see…is their lives replicating our childhood home.  A play without end it seems.

     The original play may have slowed or stopped, but their lives are reenacting it today.

    Some will reenact the play and play the powerful…others the powerless.

    But, it is depicted completely accurate.

     What I love about this, is that no one escapes or can deny it, for the subconsciousness is out in full display.

    What they feel is secret is in full living color…replaying, replaying, replaying.

     The frustrating part is that they can't see which they couldn't bear to see as a child…so, they love the uncomfortable and steer clear of kindness.  

    I have heard stories of how awful their childhoods are, and then seen the loyalty of their abusers.

     Abuse that happens when it is with someone you love and care about, is that it leaves you upside down in the world.

    Instead of seeing the abusive behaviors in that person, you label them love and caring.

    You can't even see this inside your head and body, but yet your life is replicating it.

     We keep looking for the answers while living the answers.

     It is hard to get ahead of your life or sit in the seat above it.  It takes separation.  It takes picking apart the scenes and really looking at what is going on.

    Who holds the comfortable card and what their truth is….and then who is holding the uncomfortable card and what is there true history.

    It is to become a sleuth in your own life…with careless abandon.  You have to be willing to see what you thought was true become falsehood.

     To feel terror of the abuse you were too young to feel.

     The caring Universe is painstakingly replicating abuse so that you can express and release the emotions that are held inside.

    And, so you can be free from the abuse and be a powerful loving being.

    What I also find so intriguing and completely engaging is that when a child keeps their abuse a secret.  The secret will show itself.  It can't remain a secret. For, the markers of abuse will shine forth in their lives by the choices they make.  It will be impossible for them to hide this secret. 

    Their actions alone will put the secret in full display.

    Parents who are willing to see their actions as red flags will be able to help their children.  Parents who want the abuse to be covered up, will turn their heads away or blame those actions upon the child.  Like the child is making bad choices. When in fact, their abuse is actually showing.