I M Perfect lady

Category: FALC

  • Who Didn’t See.

    "I See You!  Here I Am!" – Mark Nepo's last entry for 2012…I love it. 

    "For centuries, African Bushmen have greeted each other in this way.  When the one becomes aware of his brother or sister coming out of the brush, he exclaims, "I see You!" and then the one approaching rejoices, "I Am Here!"

    "This timeless bearing witness is both simple and profound, and it is telling that much of our modern therapeutic journey is suffered to this end: to have who we are and where we've been seen.  For with this simple and direct affirmation, it is possible to claim our own presence, to say, "I Am Here."

    "Those people in our lives who have validated our personhood by seeing us and exclaiming so are the foundations of our self-worth. Think of who they are. For me, the first to rejoice at my scrambling into the open was my grandmother. If not for her unequivocal love, I might never have had the courage to express myself at all.  And, after all, isn't art in all its forms the beautiful trail of our all too human attempts to say, again and again, I Am Here."

    "It is important to note that being seen enables us to claim our lives, and then it becomes possible to pass the gift on to others.  But just as important as bearing witness is the joy with which these Bushmen proclaim what they see.  It is the joy of first seeing and first knowing. This is the gift of love."

    "In a culture that erases its humanity, that keeps the act of innocence and beginning invisible, we are sorely in the need of being seen with joy, so we can proclaim with equal astonishment and innocence that of all the amazing things that could have been or not, We Are Here."

    "As far back as we can remember, people of the oldest tribes, unencumbered by civilization, have been rejoicing in being on earth together. Not only can we do this for each other, it is essential.  For as stars need open space to be seen,as waves need the shore to crest, as dew needs grass to soak into, our vitality dependson how we exclaim and rejoice, "I See You!" "I Am Here!"  Mark Nepo

    It is not so much having the other person truly see you, but for you also to proclaim "I am Here."  A full disclosure of who you are.  I see it as two people fully standing in their truth, uncovered and without pretend…seeing each other, while being authentically themselves.

    This may seem like an easy task, to get someone to say "I See You", and an even easier one to state, "Here I am", but it is not.

    In the past 8 years, I have been standing outside of the woods of abuse and not all will say I see you and Here I am…in the light of day.  Most will secretly whisper, "I see you….and here I am" while showing me their battle scars.  They are too afraid to stand out in the light and proclaim, "Here I Am!"

    The other very important part of this writing is to the the people who first said, "I see you." 

    Those are the ones who believe your experiences and validate the foundations of our self worth.  Without them, it would be hard to exclaim, "Here I Am" with strength and courage and finally pride!

    I have to think back to the very first weeks and months after my father's arrest to know who these people were.  My brother Carl, never once doubted what I was saying. The ladies within my Art Quilt group, when unbeknownst to them and I, my story came stumbling out in one meeting, they too said "I see you"….allowing me to stand taller in "Here I am."  They opened the space to be okay with being me.

    It were the first few who validated my personhood, that allowed me to express myself with the truth of who I am.  It was then, that the initial courage was born.

    I had said in the very first days, that all we would have needed as children, was one eye to see us, one ear to hear us or one hand to pull us out.  His writing today has affirmed this sentiment I felt so deeply and so tragically, that so many knew and no one said, "I see you."  Instead, they turned away.

    So many believe that not talking about it, not bringing it up is better, but in my experience, being able to hear someone say "I see you" especially in our battered state, in our confusion, pain, shame etc…allows us to say shakily, "Here I am".

    Here I am, as I am.  Not whole. Not perfect, but perfectly me, coming from whence I came.  Here I Am!

    If the person who first sees you can hold your gaze and not turn away…if they can hold not only your gaze but see you as okay and not the abuse, that you are/were innocent, that it happened to you, it isn't you…you feel their courage to see you… and they are okay.

    My mother did not see me…and I believe she acted similar as she did just 8 years ago, she made sure Ray was taken care of. She made sure others outside of the house were appologized to. She made sure she 'cleaned' up the scene…but, she never not once said she seen me as an abused child. She only wants to see me cleaned up with the mess (old news) behind me.  Forgive and move on.

    I will be accepted when I put it away.  Until then…there is no rejoicing to see me. There are conditions to her 'love'.

    I am forever thankful for the ones who did See Me, for they gave me the courage to say, "Here I Am"…they allowed me be proud of being me. Even if I was the daughter of a pedophile and his wife who didn't see.

    (I wrote this and then went to do yoga, and it came to me that I had a lot of people who saw me…and I need to acknowledge them for each gave me courage to continue on.  

    My husband.  He never once doubted me or asked me to do something that I wasn't comfortable with.  He allowed me to be "here I am", with out condtions.  My children too, have all left me be where I am comfortable and in turn, I have given them the same freedom.

    I also had a few sisters in the early days, who listened and cried with me. Their being there in the early days were extremely helpful. And I honored their decision to leave me be…and in turn I honor them.

    And, I had close friends who also listened, cried and understood…to the best of their abilities and I am sure often my 'troubles' were beyond their level of comprehending, but the listened and saw me.

    It was because of you all, I had the courage to be me, imperfectly.)



  • I am Lucky

    I am reading books by the Author Mary Pipher…and the one I picked up at the Library is "Writing to Change the World".  It is a small book with writing insights that I am finding interesting.  I skimmed around and found this.

    "America is deeply ambivalent about its change agents.  Simply put, we tend to like them after they die. To most Americans, "radical" is a negative word, and even "reformer" evokes our cultural uncertainty about systemic changes.  On the other hand, we tend to like rebels and outlaws, just so long as they don't really challenge the status quo."

    "Jesus exemplifies our confused attitudes about radicals.  Tot he entrenched, greedy powers of His time, He was a real troublemaker.  He was a pacifist who disdained the wealthy and religious hypocrites, and He befriended prostitutes and beggars.  Yet for two thousand years, He has been revered. Still, if He were writing and preaching today, most likely He would be regarded as a subversive and a kook."

    "In the upside-down world of America today, our culture's dysfunctional message is that healthy people accept the world as it is. We are taught that problems are pervasive and insolvable, and that we are powerless. Also, we hear that only radical nuts or quixotic fuzzy-brains work for social and political change.  Yet powerlessness produces despair in people and stagnation in cultures.  Throughout history, it has been the strong people who have endeavored to make their communities better.  Healthy people act."

    "In my opinion, true rebels are not anguished, angry individuals mired since adolescence in their own complaints and needs for individuation. True rebels act from a well-developed moral center. They know who they are and what they stand for. Most likely, they are fighting for something that they have spent a lifetime learning to love."

    "Buddhist Thich Nhat Hanh wrote that the ocean of suffering is immense, but that if we turn around we can see the land.  True rebels have had at least a glimpse of land, and they want to lead others to it.  Too, most change agents are not saints. If we wait for the saints to save the world, it will be too late.  What changes agents have in common is their need to use their own gifts to help others."  Mary Pipher

    Isn't it interesting to wonder how change happens?  Who is it that upsets the status quo?  How change doesn't happen via the saints…but rather the rebels…and how they are liked more dead than alive.  

    I see me as the rebel in the family, and I truly believe that I am operating from a well-developed and moral center.  I am fighting for something I love.  Family.

    I am not just out here wrecking things to be wrecking things.

    I am stomping around in fury at the impassive nature of accepting that the problems are pervasive and insolvable, when I know different.

    I am standing up for family and against abuse.  I know you can rescue a family from the legacy of abuse, but you will have to endure many many changes and lose sight of the once familiar shore.  It is possible.

    I had a brother more or less say, that abuse is everywhere, so does it really matter which church or where you go?   Really, so then what?  Are you really not willing to learn where it most likely travels and divert your family?  What are you doing to educate your self so that you can teach your children?  Are you just sitting back and waiting for the luck of the draw…that maybe, they will one of the lucky 3 that don't get molested, raped etc?  

    It is like waiting for evil to arrive…and setting out the doormat.

    Accepting the statistics, without challenging them, seems like such a defeatist attitude. A victims role…waiting for your luck to run out.

    What gets me riled up is the attitude that it is everywhere, in every religion and community, that no one church is more susceptible than any other…or that just because it was in my parents families, it doesn't mean it will find its way into mine.

    It is the ignorance as to how abuse works that keeps me writing and talking.  It is how many are not knowing who is more susceptible than others.  It is your relying upon the luck of the draw instead of actually making changes within your life to ward of the blows of evil.

    What many feel is that this 'evil' will come in via a stranger….hence, "stranger danger" is being taught.  And that they may escape by being lucky.  And, will try and eliminate the encounters with strangers.

    What if, like the statistics show, that 90% of the abuse is from someone you know and 50% of that is from a family member. Where then would you need to become more vigilant?  With Family and friends, right?  What precautions can you take? What actions are you willing to do to reduce the numbers of abuse happening?

    How well do you know your family and friends?

    I see the fight against abuse as many willing to fight the 10% of the statistics….strangers.  They are willing to make a stand against a stranger, but when it comes to family….well, family is family and sister is a sister no matter what. That you can't heal by cutting yourself from the family. That is just total insanity….and so goes the 'fight' against family abuse.

    Where 90% of abuse lives, very few are standing against it, which is why the numbers continue to flourish and rise.

    I am not embraced within the family, due to my harsh boundaries and lines I draw. A good moral code for strangers perhaps, but that shouldn't be used on family.

    Family gets to escape the harsh critical eye…it gets to ride along on the good times…you are to forgive and forget for the sake of the family unit.  No point in wrecking a 'good' family.  

    Wouldn't we all be good if we didn't look or acknowledge our mistakes? And, Is someone really good, just because we choose not to see and act upon their negative behavior?  

    I am seen as being difficult and judging, for seeing and responding to negative behavior. That I am the problem…not that there is a problem.  As long as you put your anger and stand agains me, you will save your family.

    Families will continue being destroyed by abuse as long as we fail to look at the family.  It seems totally insane to not look.  To not look and respond….but hope for and pray to be 'lucky'…while you are sitting in the midst of evil.

    It is like hoping there is no snow while sitting on a snowbank.

    The real lucky ones are the ones who can see the abuse and respond in kind.  

    I am lucky.






    You will have to become a troublemaker not a pacifist.

    I love that the strong and healthy, are the ones who are endeavoring to make our communities, and I will add families, better.

    It shows me that change, real change happens with the rebels.  I love how saints are not change agents.  



  • I no longer play this game.

    From Facebook, "Abuse No More"…

    The list of rules that the sociopath/narcissist expects his /her target to live by…

    1. I can say anything I like. You are not allowed to say anything unless you are sure it will not offend me. (Hint: Praise/compliments).
    2. I can do anything I want. You are not allowed to do anything unless you are sure I will like it.
    3. You must call me regularly to see how I am and give me attention. I never have to call you, unless I need something.
    4. You have to respect me. I do not have to respect you. And I don’t.
    5. I am allowed to lie about you. You are not allowed to tell the truth about me.
    6. I am allowed to lie about you, to make you look bad. You MUST lie about me, to make me look GOOD.
    7. I am the only one allowed to get angry. You are not allowed to get angry.
    8. I am the only one allowed to have “hurt feelings.” You are not allowed to have hurt feelings.
    9. I am the only one allowed to feel “insulted.” You are not allowed to feel insulted.
    10. I can falsely accuse you of doing things you never did, and you are not allowed to make a liar out of me by defending yourself.
    11. You are not allowed to expose me and reveal the things I really DID do. You must cover up what I do and say and keep it a secret.
    12. You are never allowed to complain. That’s MY job.
    13. You are never allowed to confront me. I’m the only one who is allowed to confront anybody.
    14. I can make faces at you, scowl, roll my eyes, and sneer, but you’d better not look at me “funny,” or even smile at me.
    15. I can stop speaking to you, but you are not allowed to stop speaking to me.
    16. I can disown you, but you do not have the right to walk away from me.
    17. When I’m ready un-disown you, you have to take me back and start talking to me again, with no further discussion of whatever caused our “rift.” You have no choice in the matter. I am the only one who has a choice.
    18. I can “vent” to other people about you, but you must suffer in silence.
    19. I can tell everybody the things you “did to” me, but you are not allowed to tell anybody the things I did to you.
    20. You are not allowed to have any opinion that differs from mine.
    21. You must agree with everything I say, but I am allowed to criticize and degrade the things you say.
    22. I have no sense of humor when it comes to me. You must take me very seriously, but I am allowed to mock you and even laugh in your face.
    23. If you don’t know why I’m mad, you better figure it out, because I’m not going to tell you.
    24. If another person upsets me, you’d BETTER take my side and confront and shun them. If another person upsets YOU, good for them. You deserve it.
    25. I know everything, you know nothing.
    26. You are weak and inferior. I am a superior being, and you must always acknowledge that and never forget your place.
    27. You have no freedom to even think independently. I have all the freedom.
    28. Your job is to take care of my needs and feelings. You are not allowed to have needs or feelings. If you do, then take care of them yourself and don’t expect anything from me.
    29. You have no rights. I have all the rights.
    30. You are here to do for me, I am not here to do for you. You are only here for my convenience. When you are no longer useful or become too much trouble, I will kick you to the curb. Until I want something from you again. 

     Tina, Abuse No More.

    Wow, this is a very realistic list. A list that I have lived both sides of….one that doesn't allow for a relationship, but rather a dictatorship or Abuser and the abused.

    One that has taken me a long time to disengage from….the affects of being the one to follow the rules as well as creating this pattern with my own children.

    I have lived on both sides and sadly each side is just as empty.

    The power side lives in fear of not being liked, loved or obeyed and the ruled side lives in constant fear of not being good enough…I guess both sides are empty.

    I had to walk out of this sick game completely and quit cold turkey…with my mother, and in doing so, I was able to see me and how I was living this out with my children. I may not have been as severe, but the flavor was there. I felt it.  I felt this much more than love.

    It wasn't until I stopped playing this game with my mother that I was able to stop playing this game with my kids.  It is my belief, that you have to first stop being a victim, before you can stop being the abuser…if that makes sense.

    I don't think you can continue being treated by your parents like this and have a totally loving relationship with your kids. You first have to find your power to stop playing this sick sick game.   This is what is meant by abuse is all about power.

    There have been many moments within my estrangement that I have wondered about my actions, about whether they are narcissitic or not. But, the key part is that I do not gain my power from others, but rather from my self.

    I do not rule others or need them to behave or not behave a certain way…but, I also allow myself the freedom to move away from them.  I am not locked into the above rules.  I no longer play this game.


  • End abuse

    The greatest tragedy of abuse isn't that you were abused, but rather that you never get your self worth back, that somehow the seed that was planted of you being less, grows and flourishes; and you never know your innocence again.

    Having been abused wasn't what wrecked my life for 46 years, but rather that no one stepped in and said it wasn't okay…that my father was wrong.  In the absence of this, I grew up believin I WAS.

    Something was wrong with me, not that something wrong happened to me.

    It is this vast landscape of apathy and ignorance that feeds into the child's system, for no one is opposing their abusers.  Silence is for the benefit of the abuser, always.

    A comment was made to me by a Defender of the FALC in the Extoots blog, that not everyone has to be so public to be against abuse, and I agree.  My first steps were not public steps, but private ones.

    I stood up for myself against my family. This is where the real work is done.  I have been ridiculed by family members for this.  They do not believe that you have to separate from family in order to heal. 

    And, if I could have found a way to honor my body, mind and soul by staying with the ones who abused me, I would have. There didn't seem to be a way.

    The reason I believe that I was able to do this, was that my life no longer was easy…the discontent was building up between my mind, my body and my spirit…and I began stirring for my own voice, my own life…and it just so happened, that then is when the truth about my father entered into my life.

    I was given, I feel, a second chance to dance with abuse.  To either be silent again and to forgive and overlook this behavior and to allow another little girl to lose sight of her innocence.  

    The more folks sought to help and support him, the more lost the little girl gets…based on my experiences.  As a child, no adult dared to stand up and speak out in 'public' or in private about who my father was and how his actions affected their lives.  I did.

    I would do it all again…for my little girl, for my innocence and for any one out there looking for someone to see abuse…and not try and build up a story around it…making excuses and working to forgive and forget it.  For what they are forgetting is your innocence.

    My whole intention was to speak out from my point of view…to shed some light upon the actions of the past and the actions today.  The same Defender of the FALC, said that he doubts that today, the same shoving under the rug tactics are still being used by the members of the church.  

    Again, it isn't to outwardly report and to speak out in public, but to do the hardest steps of all.  Step away from the members of your family who are abusive.  To no longer associate with them.  

    I have had first hand knowledge of abuse from other families and the family unit stands strong. So, don't tell me, that abuse is being handled differently, it is not.

    Sure, there may be talk about abuse, about other people abusing other people, but silence about their own family secrets and certainly no action to step away from family of origin or relatives not to mention friends. And silence about their own story…

    But, I am hopeful the dialogue refuses to be quiet and there are stirrings and other folks becoming restless, a greater awareness and a higher level of consciousness is in the wind….we are learning that silence and forgiveness is not the answer to end abuse.



  • In Sound Judgment!

    I see two main sticking points between me and my estranged family…and I am certain, they will absolutely agree.

    One, I drew a line in the Cement and refuse to budge.  Second, that what I call the truth, they call judgment.  

    And really, there is only one sticking point…the line in the cement and it is called the truth….

    What is so completely frustrating, is that many will say that they agree with me, that my father is a pedophile, that my mother is 'slightly mental' and both are emotionally bankrupted…and that their lives are a mess…and we all were affected by it, BUT…they will not judge them.

    What does that mean?

    It appears to me, that this word "judgment" only comes in when the next step would require them to do something...and instead, they will say, "I will let God be the one to judge them…"

    I had to go and look up this word Judgment to see just what God is supposed to be doing for these folks, just what are they incapable of doing.

    Judgment - the ability to judge, make a decision or form an opinion objectively, authoritatively, and wisely, especially in matters affecting action; good sense; discretion: A man of sound judgment.

    This is interesting and completely true in my experiences of them.

    It is the inability to make a decision especially in matters affecting action.

    So, here is the deal as I see it.  They can't make the decision or form an opinion that is hard and concrete, FOR THEN it will affect their actions. AND, they are not willing at this time, to change their actions….meaning estrange themselves from family.

    They remain undecided.  Wow.  I could feel them swinging from side to side, but in actuality, they are only swinging in their minds.  Their actions have not changed one bit.  Nothing has been decided…."God will decide for them…"

    Really, God's job is to make decisions for you?  

    I just didn't know that judgment was about making decisions….but more about 'blaming'.  That is how I feel that they look at me, that I am blaming my parents for abuse.  Well, let's see….didn't they abuse their kids?  I made the decision that they did and then it altered my actions.

    The very reason that my actions and their actions do not match, is that I made a decision.  

    I love that judging is making a decision.  

    For I definitely feel that once I made the first huge decision, I had many many more to make.  I had to continue making decisions based upon this one.

    THEY ABUSED THEIR CHILDREN.  That is what I decided…and my life changed completely after this decision.

    So, they are waiting for God to decide IF they abused their children????

    Isn't that what they talked about near my father's dead body???

    What is there to decide?

    OH, yes, it will then require you to live like me. 

    Outside of the family, for father and pedophile have no common denominator.

    Mother and accomplice to sexual abuse, have no common denominator.

    And there is a vast difference between those who judge and those who do not.

    The judging ones make a decision in the cement, there is no going back.

    You all know it….so until then, "You will leave the Judging to God"…so you don't have to decide.

    But hey, while you are pondering this….what do you think about the judgment I made that my father abused girls???  If you haven't 'decided' on this…you make the little girls liars.

    For isn't HE INNOCENT, until proven guilty???

    And doesn't that make us guilty Until he is proven innocent?

    You all are wimping out on making a line in cement….and while you do, you are discrediting each little girls story.  For, according to the Detective's report that I read, RAY Huhta was not innocent.  And, I made a decision upon hearing a little girl's voice that echoed my fears…I decided then, without even going to trial, that the little girl was correct, she spoke the truth….and it has affected actions incredibly.

    I have moved away from anyone who remains undecided.

    Your indecision has me guilty and him innocent.

    And, from the way I have been ostracized it fits completely.

    I am guilty….of what???

    Oh yeah of making a decision.

    I decided that they abused the children…and there is not one action step that doesn't tell you so.  I have acted completely and relentlessly…for the innocence of the girls.

    I am thankful for the conversations blasting me with anger about this word judgment…for now I will understand how it pertains to me completely.  

    It is true, I judged my parents….

    This was one of the first decisions I made independently…one that I know is supported in truth and fits into reality.  It wasn't a decision based on lies.

    I stand in sound judgment!


  • A parent to me.

    When my father's obituary was in our local paper, it was short, to the point of almost being meaningless…for it did not show the progression of his children's lives, who they married and their children.  It simply had our first names.  Now, I have no idea who gave this information to be published or why it was so condensed…but its odd nature struck me.  

    Perhaps what made it seem even odder, is that my mother sent me the family tree info pack, that held the details of the ripples of their lives together…about a week and a half after he died.

    The juxtaposition between his public obit and the real family tree sat with me…

    Again, no knowing the intention, whether it was a thoughtful and calculated slim obit or was it just subconscious quick giving the bare details….of his life, it just seemed odd.  

    Like wanting to say who his is, but not saying saying who he was, or who was connected to him…what are the real numbers, and names and lives. The briefness of it cancelled much of his life…the lives of his children and their children's lives. It didn't show who he left behind.

    That is what strikes me the most.  He left behind a pile of kids, grandkids and great-grand kids.  He was the top….he 'touched' many lives in ways again, we don't want to write about…not to even mention the sheer numbers.

    I can see the quandary the person who was left with the task to write the obit was left in.  Who do we connect with this man?  How much do we write and how?  If it had been me, I would have put the whole complete obit. 

    What I know is that he had 15 children, one son died (a still birth).  Most of us married, some have divorced and remarried, one experienced a death of a spouse and remarried.  We have had children and their children have had children. We have married spouses with children.  

    He had 49 grand-children and 12 great-grand children.

    Up until 8 years ago…he was dad and grandpa to all of these numbers.  He was in their lives…and recently he was still part of many, but not all.

    His influence lives within the numbers he left behind.  All were touched, by even not being touched  All were affected…even if neglected.  All carry with them the vestiges of his character.  He lives on in all of us…

    How each of us allowed him into our worlds…shows more about us than him.

    While it was greatly disturbing to know my father was a pedophile, it was far more tragic to realize I didn't know…that the trauma was not recorded in my mind.  That my life was lived awkward at best due to this one missing link.

    I am grateful beyond grateful, that his truth didn't go to the grave with him.  

    I am a complete person knowing that I was abused.  I made sense, my life made sense, the religion made sense, my mother made sense, the siblings made sense…all of it matched my experience, once I had the whole picture.

    Without knowing the complete picture, you get left with the obituary in the paper, a surface quick overview of first names.

    I for one, needed to know the details so I made sense.  I needed to know why I couldn't feel close to him and why I carried resentment towards her (my mother)…why I had such rage inside….all the why questions were answered when I knew who he was.

    We are directly grown from our experiences with our parents.

    Being at the top of the pile, we will have more saturated strong influence, but all were touched and affected.  The younger ones get a milder dose…but even at its weakest strength, its strength will change your life.

    Doing a rough estimate there were 75 children whose lives he was in contact with….not counting the spouses.  And the spouses had to deal with the awkwardness of our emotional damage….so they certainly should be included.  Say, roughly another 10, plus his wife. That is 86…out of the gate.  Oh, and let us not forget his sister and his brother, now we are closer to 90 folks.  And now we could canvas the neighborhood where he lived for roughly 35 years….the numbers are going way over 100…for each family home in our neighborhood had large families near 10 each…3 families that I know were affected.  

    His life wasn't a simple obituary….

    It is my hope that peace is found in knowing he did abuse.  In knowing you are not mental or that your story wasn't believed (even if the parents did nothing).  It isn't about the reaction to your story, it is about that it did happen.

    You can find your power in claiming this.

    My real life began when I fully accepted that I was abused.  I could then begin to live my truth and to love all of me.  I love the parts of me that were damaged.  I love who it made me to be. 

    The greatest thing all of his victims can do is to learn to love ourselves again. To put our lives in first place.  To take back what he took in our childhood.  Our love, our trust and our faith in our selves.

    I decided early on that his abuse wasn't going to define me…but rather I was going to re-define myself. I was going to go towards love, peace and joy.

    Love of me.  Joy in me…and what brings me peace.

    I am but one small name in his obituary, but I too have a legacy to leave behind.

    Mine will be, there is a cure to being abused and that is to take back your power.

    To take back your life and break the silence…to turn away from what the dysfunctional family wants and desires and turn inwards to the wounded child inside.

    Taking care of my wounded self; I was a parent to me.


    IMG_8980
    I can create a new family tree!





  • Poke Holes in the Spell.

    I found myself in a strange spot, where my intentions never made it to their home, where my concerns were intercepted by anger and judgment.  

    My love and concern left my body and before they landed, anger and judgment were fully encased in my words.

    Concern's content was completely disheveled and twisted.

    My concern had landed in a place where love was unwelcome and unseen.

    It is shocking and horrifying and greatly intriguing to witness this.

    What is so odd is that I literally do not hold any judgment within me, nor any anger…that inside me is caring concern and love.

    When I attempt to give what is within me to this other person, it feels the opposite of my intention.

    And, I am being blamed for something that isn't mine.

    I am being blamed for being angry when I am not angry.

    I am being blamed for being judgmental when I am not judgmental.

    And, it seems she wants me to change.

    How can I change what isn't inside of me???

    It is so complexing and so maddening.  For IF there was anger I could deal with it.

    If there was judgment, I could deal with it.

    But, if there is only loving kindness and grave concerns….how can I change them, and what would that look like?

    It seems odd that in order for her to feel loving kindness, I have to care less, be less concerned, less involved, less speaking…to stop caring.

    What I am learning about yet again is how each of us carry a definition of love, and it is from there that we recieve and experience life.

    It matters greatly what your definition of love is.  

    What does love feel like to you?

    The world can't give you love, only you can define what love is.

    The way abuse shows itself most clearly is by your definition of love.

    When an abuser does his grooming well, you will flip around love and fear.

    You will not fear him, but love him…and then you will fear those who truly love you.

    It is an amazing transformation in its tragic outcome.

    The mind is now set to recieve loving concern as anger and judgment…you push away from loving concerns…feeling it as anger.

    And, there is nothing the giver can do…for a mind convinced against its will is of the same opinion still.

    Life may show itself differently over time…something may jar this incorrect definition lose, but until then..I am a bystander watching the train of abuse…wind its insidious way in someone I love.

    I am once again tagged as the monster and the real monster sits unscathed.

    While under the spell of this grooming, you clearly can't see or feel.  Hence, abuse is allowed to continue on.  You are now incapacitated or incapable to discern good or evil.  

    I lived under this spell.  I believed my mind against all evidence to the contrary in real life.  I get this spell.  I understand the grips of control it has on your life.

    What I didn't have while under the spell of abuse was an adult person to speak the truth.  No one contradicted my mind.  No one challenged me.  No one led me to believe that my mind was wrong.

    I feel deeply, that when I bump up against someone whose mind is under the spell of abuse, that I do my due diligence to poke holes in the spell.







  • Doing Nothing.

    "Few situations can be bettered by going berserk." —MELODY BEATTIE 

    "It was the philosopher Michael Zimmerman who told the story of being a boy in school when someone passed him a pair of Chinese handcuffs, a seemingly innocent thimblelike casing with an opening at each end. It was passed to him without a word, and, of course, through curiosity, he slipped his left forefinger in one end and then his right in the other. Mysteriously, what made them handcuffs was that the more you tried to pull your fingers out, the tighter they held you. Feeling caught, he panicked and pulled harder. The small cuffs tightened. But suddenly, it occurred to him to try the opposite, and as he leaned his fingers into the problem, the small casing slackened and he could gently and slowly work his fingers free. So many times in life our pulling in panic only handcuffs us more tightly. In this small moment, the philosopher as a boy reveals to us the paradox that underscores all courage: that leaning into what is gripping us will allow us to work our way free."                                Mark Nepo, The Book of Awakening

     

    This is a hard won lesson for me. My initial instinct where abuse and/or denying the truth is concerned, is to berserk.  To freak out!  Perhaps it is all the years that I did not respond, that I am now over responding to any little hint of there being an imbalance of power.

    What I fail to remember, is that it is not about me.  I become powerless when I go berserk.  I lose control in that moment of time.  

    And most often the abuse has already happened…the crime has been committed, the event is over, and here I stand acting like the fire has just begun…when it has already turned to coals.

    My inner responses are a few years too late…

    If an abuser is good, if their grooming and courting is spot on, no one sees the fire blazing.  It remains hidden between the two…the victim and the abuser.  When done correctly, no one notices the soot spots on the victim…for she picks up part of the dance…of silence and sneaking around.  The time to freak is when it is impossible to see the fire.

    By the time it becomes aware, the damage is done. The victim has been turned around and upside down and calls abuse by another name.

    What then is the best response?  How do you undo the careful crafting of abuse?

    And, there are two kinds of grooming or courtship.  One is with false kindness and the other with sheer terror and threats.

    How do you intervene into these confused minds?

    I can see that my 'efforts' of berserkness is not helpful.  

    It takes sheer will to breathe calmly in the aftermath of abuse… A will I have not mastered at all.  

    What I go berserk about is that the victim isn't seeing. I guess I believe If I put on a dramatic display they will wake up. Usually though, I just appear scary.

    My strong suit is when they see their own confused mind and are asking for clarity.

    It is complicated when someone you love is sleeping in a dream that is far away from the truth, and it is draining their power and self esteem…

    What I do know, is that I woke up after 46 years and had but a teeny tiny seed of self and was able to grow strong by being aware and seeing the truth.

    Tom Rosemurgy asked me, "What could we have done to make you become aware while you lived in denial?"  It is a question that continues to plague me.

    However, I do know that it would have been uncomfortable, BUT helpful to have people question me…instead of sit in silent disagreement, but rather voice their concerns…even freaking out. 

    What I noticed most, looking back, is the silence of many while knowing abuse lived in our childhood home. What I didn't know then, is that many who were silent had the same type of energy in their own homes.  A fire seeing another fire as normal or at least nothing to get shook up about.

    Going berserk may have been helpful in gaining my attention.  IF, the person doing the theatrics was someone I trusted.

    When abuse lives in the home you trust, your trust is put in a container that doesn't have your best interest at heart.  

    My over responding to abuse most likely is brought on by the apathy of many. What would seem a normal active response to abuse never appears…in its place, silence and blindness arrive. 

    The overwhelming insanity is what I see the most. 

    A whole church full of people NOT responding.  Their Board Members, Mission Chairperson, Ministers, mothers and fathers….silently blind when abuse is spoken about.

    Going berserk seems to be a typical response for me when you put it up against their massive group denial.

    As a child, it would have been helpful to have even one person going berserk on my behalf.  One lady standing up and speaking the truth.  One eye to see me in abuse. 

    For it is indeed true, "All it takes for evil to continue is for good people to do nothing."

    I may go berserk, but in my book it still is better than doing nothing.





  • No longer fighting reality.

    For the past 7 and a half years, I have been working on my inner landscape, trying to sort through files and beliefs that were built to protect and hide the darkness of abuse within the Huhta family.  

    I have been doing deep excavating and learning about the unspeakable or perhaps the sins that were blessed an erased away.  Going back into my life into places of discomfort, unease, pain, betrayal, abuse…sorting through piles of ideas that were the brain children of my mother…and not of reality.

    Her brain and mine had many of the same patterns…I had to learn how I learned. I had to see why I thought the way I thought.  

    My focus has been on exploring abuse and its affects….from a distance and then while being the experiment itself.  

    To see affect of abuse first hand as I am in the throes of it…learning while being the subject and the object.

    There are parts of me that will remain affected, that no matter how I try, the abuse has claimed certain pieces.  I will become 'unglued' when reality is overlooked or when I am made responsible for something that I am not in control of….each will send me flying back to reacting in a traumatic way.  Post traumatic stress.  

    I am getting better at staying in the stress for shorter periods. To find out where I am responsible and then giving back responsibilities that are not mine to carry.  I am learning to manage my post traumatic stress moments…better.

    I also felt down deep in my cells I am at peace.  I am free of abuse.  I am in a home that breathes peace. There are no abusive energies that haunt me here.  I am completely at rest in my home and in my relationships. And, My abused mind no longer is misconstruing good and evil.  

    With a mind that cannot see clearly, I wasn't able to see clearly…to be with what is.

    I was always seeing the opposite…in my mind.

    Cultivating peace inside of me and daring to see reality naked, is the key to being at peace now.

    Peace to me, is when your mind and reality agree.

    I am so grateful to be in a loving peaceful home.  I feel peace…it surrounds me.  My body, mind and soul are at peace.  Peace is no longer fighting reality.


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  • Cover Up

    In listening to Iyanla Vanzant speak to Oprah about Family Secrets, I learned a few things.  

    One, that secrets are usually to protect someone….and secondly, that it is due to shame and guilt.  Also, Fear of a consequence IF the secret were to be known and to Cover Up a poor choice.

    I guess when I thought of secrets, what I focused on was the secret If you will and not the reason that a person decides a secret is the way forward.  I was short sighted and stopped with the lie. Not why the lie was formed or what it was the best option, but the lie itself, isolated; a character flaw.  But, I failed to see the life of the secret.

    Secrets usually are after a poor choice has been made and it can't be fix, so then a secret is a way of covering it up, by not mentioning it or trying to hide it.

    I didn't realize that their are legitimate reasons for lying even if they don't work…that a poor choice that can't be fixed is a source for a secret.  That the person feels if we find out about the poor choice, that we will then look upon them differently, that they may be rejected or that they don't want to disappoint us.

    Imagine a history behind the secret…I didn't know.

    I wasn't looking deeply into the pathology of secrets, but rather at the secret…not the why.

    The why is key to knowing the cause of the secret and why it grew…and why a relationship was void of trust, how betrayal seemed to be the kinder option.

    They also spoke of secrets making you sick.  The negative fear based energy and the guilt and shame that lives with secrets will infect other areas of your life.

    I just was amazed at the multi-faceted nature of lies/secrets…how it weaves and grows a life of its own.

    She also said that typically the secret comes out, when the pain of keeping a secret out weighs the pain of the secret.  That was interesting too.

    That the shame of the secret itself becomes a lesser pain…for the pain of lying becomes harder to do and is more painful.

    The Truth shall set you free. Free from the pain, shame etc that the secret was meant to cover up.  Who knew that a secret was a cover up???