I M Perfect lady

Category: FALC

  • What is the Cost of No Choice?

    The issue of women's rights has come up with the death of a woman's 9th child by her own hands…or maybe the lack of Human Rights.

    What I am hopeful of, is this is the hole where common sense will begin to seep in or at least begin the real conversation of how human rights are being taken away in order to follow these extreme religions…and its very high cost; human life.

    When a woman no longer has her human rights, she is not free.  

    Martha Beck uses the phrase, "born in captivity" and that applies to so many women who were brought up within these churches, how their human rights were taken away in childhood; choices eliminated by church rules.

    In the climate where there are no choices, only one way, a person doesn't use their own common sense, it is a muscle that has grown weak and virtually useless…their 'strength' is in their staunch support of the ruling system…not in standing up for their own Self.

    You always hear comments suchas, "who in their right mind would do such a thing?"…without hearing your own words…"right mind".

    It is hard to explain or articulate the absence of choice and how the mind is created or convinced…how it feels to live "BrainWashed".

    Where common sense is washed away.

    Where self and individual choices are beat out of you…by fear dressed in many outfits.

    In order to survive as a child, you give up your human rights.

    They become a virtual stranger to you, a thing you never quite can recall, gone before you knew they existed.

    You know yourself as part of the whole…a paraiste…at the mercy of the animal (church and/or family) and would cease to exist if the family and church were to die. There is virtually no separated self.  You only live as part of the whole.

    The mind sees no self.

    The mind is incapable of reaching so far back where choices lie…without encountering the fear that was used when choice was taken away.

    Many people fear freedom, like all manner of hell will break lose if people were free, if our rights were our own…and forget to see the Hell many live due to being brainwashed free of choice.

    Just sit with the feelings of no choice.

    At a certain point, this will implode upon itself…just as it did for the mom who felt her only choice was to kill her baby…only a confused, tortured mind would see it as a solution.

    May the conversation begin…what road did this woman travel to get here?

    What is the cost of no choice?



  • Respect of nothing

    "We can't give people what we don't have. Who we are matters immeasurably more than what we know or who we want to be."  Brene Brown

    "The space between our practiced values (what we're actually doing, thinking, and feeling) and our aspirational values (what we want to do, think or feel) is the value gap, or what I call "the disengagement divide."  It's where we lose our employees, our clients, our students, our teachers, our congregations, and even our own children. We can take big steps – we can even make a running jump to cross the widening value fissures that we face at home, work and school – but at some point, when that divide broadens to a certain degree, we're goners.  That's why dehumanizing cultures foster the highest level of disengagement – they create value gaps that actual humans can't hope to successfully navigate."

    "Let's take a look at some common issues that arise in the context of families. I'm using family examples because we are all part of families. Even if we don't have children, we were raised by adults.  In each case a significant gap has grown between the practiced values and the aspirational values, creating that dangerous disengagment divide."

    1. Aspirational values: Honesty and Integrity

    Practiced values: Rationalizing and letting things slide

    Mom is always telling her kids that honesty and integrity are important, and that stealing and cheating in school won't be tolerated.  As they pile into the car after a long grocery shop, Mom realizes that the cashier didn't charge her for the sodas in the bottom of the cart. Rather than going back into the store, she shrugs and says, "Wasn't my fault. They're making a mint anyway."

    2. Aspirational Values: Respect and Accountability

    Practiced value: Fast and easy is more important

    Dad is always driving home the importance of respect and accountability, but when Bobby intentionally breaks Sammy's new Transformer, Dad is too busy on his Blackberry to sit down with the brothers and talk about how they should treat each other's toys. Instead of insisting that Bobby needs to apologize and make amends, he shrugs his shoulders, thinking, Boys will be boys, and tells them both to go to their rooms.

    3. Aspirational Values: Gratitude and Respect

    Practiced Values: Teasing, taking for granted, disrespect

    Mom and Dad constantly feel unappreciated, and they're tired of their children's disrespectful attitudes. But Mom and Dad themselves yell at each other and call each other names. No one in the house says please or thank you, including the parents. Moreover, Mom and Dad use put-downs with their children and with each other, and everyone routinely teases family members to the point of tears. The problem is that the parents are looking for behaviors, emotions, and thinking patterns that their children have never seen modeled.

    "Now let's look at the power of aligned values:

    1. Aspirational Values: Emotional Connection and  Honored Feelings

    Practiced Values Emotional Connection and Honored Feelings

    Mom and Dad have tried to instill and model a "feeling first" ethic in their family. One evening Hunter comes home from basketball practice and is clearly upset.  His sophomore year has been tough, and the basketball coach is really riding him. He throws his bag down on the kitchen floor and heads straight upstairs. Mom and Dad are in the kitchen making dinner, and they watch Hunter as he disappears up to his room. Dad turns off the burner, and Mom tells Hunter's younger brother that they're going to talk to Hunter and to please give them some time alone with him. They go up stairs together and sit on the edge of his bed.  "Your mom and I know these past few weeks have been really hard," Dad says. "We don't know exactly how you feel, but we want to know. High School was tough for both of us, and we want to be with you in this." This was such a great example of minding the gap and cultivating engagement.  In the interview the father told me that it made all of them feel very vulnerable and that they were all crying before it was over. He said that sharing his high school struggles with his son really opened the relationship between them.

    "I want to stress that these examples aren't fiction; they're from the data.  And, no, we can't be perfect models all of the time. I know I can't.  But when our practiced values are routinely in conflict with the expectations we set in our culture, disengagement is inevitable." Brene Brown

    What I know for sure is when I became disengaged and disconnected….when my family and church did not follow up their words (aspirations) with actions.

    I was wondering about this huge gap between my mother and I, and even my siblings and I, how it was that they could honestly feel that we all thought alike and even held the same things in high regard….but we were so at odds with each other.

    The gap was not created by me…IT was created by what they thought and believed and HOW they acted.

    I was not responsible for the disengagement I felt, but rather a witness to how their aspirations and their actions didn't match.

    It isn't my job to "mind the gap" as she calls it…in their lives.

    Here is how Brene explains it.

    "Minding the gap is a daring strategy. We have to pay attention to the space between where we're actually standing and where we want to be.  More importantly, we have to practice the values that we're holding out as important in our culture. Minding the gap requires both an embrace of our own vulnerability and cultivation of shame resilience – we're going to be called upon to show up as leaders and parents and educators in new and uncomfortable ways.  We don't have to be perfect, just engaged and committed to aligning values with action. We also need to be prepared: The gremlins will be out in full force, as they love to sneak up just when we're about to step into the arena, be vulnerable, and take some chances." Brene

    When this gap between what you aspire and preach and tote around as your high values and morals, about standing against abuse etc….and how you actually act…are at odds with each other, it is you that is creating an atmosphere of disengagement. You are making the space too wide to be trusted or relied upon.

    I didn't have the words or the language to show how I became disengaged….it wasn't that I expected a certain criteria, but rather that their aspirational values be walked.

    If they have no intention of walking their talk, they should at the very least change their talk to match their walk.

    What many are asking me to believe upon are their aspirations and to not see how their walking and talking are so vastly wide.  It is that space where I lost trust, respect and love of them.  The hole is so wide what do you believe in?

    I see and feel nothing, the empty void of good intentions…where actions are miles away from the aspirations.  I can't live in the void or have relationships with that….or love or honor or respect of nothing.


  • Culture of their Worlds

    In writing a letter to the woman of the OLAC, I completely see how we see things differently and yet 'right' from our own points of view.  It isn't that she sees it wrongly, but how right it seems shining through the lens of faith.  

    I didn't get this.

    I couldn't see how it was to not see, except through the beliefs of faith.

    She can no more see what I see than I can now pretend to pretend the rightness of her religion or my old one.

    It left us with no common ground…at least that I can see.

    In reading the book, "Daring Greatly" by Brene Brown, she writes about culture…

    "The way we do things around here," or culture, is complex.  In my experience, I can tell a lot about the culture and values of a group, family, or organization by asking ten questions."

    1. What behaviors are rewarded? Punished?

    2. Where and how are people actually spending their resources (time, money, attention)?

    3. What rules and expectations are followed, enforced, and ignored?

    4. Do people feel safe and supported talking about how they feel and asking for what they need?

    5. What are the sacred cows? Who is most likely to tip them? Who stands the cows back up?

    6. What stories are legend and what values do they convey?

    7. What happens when someone fails, disappoints, or makes a mistake?

    8. How is vulnerability (uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure) perceived?

    9. How prevalent are shame and blame and how are they showing up?

    10. What's the collective tolerance for discomfort? Is the discomfort of learning, trying new things, and giving and receiving feedback normalized, or is there a high premium put on comfort (and how does that look)?

    "In each of the following sections I'll talk about how these play out in our lives and what specifically I look for, but first I want to talk about where this line of questioning leads us."

    "As someone who studies culture as a whole, I think the power of these questions is their ability to shed light on the darkest areas of our lives: disconnection, disengagement and our struggle for worthiness. Not only do these questions help us understand the culture, they surface the discrepancies between "what we say" and "what we do," or between the values we espouse and the values we practice.  My dear friend Charles Kiley use the term "aspirational values" to describe the elusive list of values that reside in our best intentions, on the wall of our cubical, at the heart of our parenting lectures, or in our companies vision statement. If we want to isolate the problems and develop transformation strategies, we have to hold our aspirational values up against what I call our practiced values – how we actually live, feel, behave and think. Are we willing to walk our talk? Answering this can get very uncomfortable."  Brene

    What I see as the culture of the church….whether it be the FALC or the OLAC, is how they have aspirational goals but the practiced values are far off the mark.

    How curious it would be to see what the culture of our families are by how we act and not by what we aspire to….

    I can viserally feel the culture of the church and the lack of morals and values they aspire to, just in the way their words are not met with actions.

    What would the churches answers be to the ten questions above?  What is the culture of the families?

    Will the culture show the discrepancies between what they say and what they do?

    It is the discrepancy that I have issues with… words and actions are not matching.

    It is hard for me to be with folks whose words and actions don't match….

    I used to give them the benefit of the doubt when their words sounded kinder and with morals and values, even if their walks were way off…now, I go by actions alone.

    Describing what they are doing will show you the culture of their worlds.

     

  • Abuse and the FALC.

    The newspaper headlines speak of two more alleged rapes…two more victims whose lives are forever changed, 'allegedly'…who will remain guilty of asserting and professing being raped by this young man, while he remains innocent, until they prove him guilty.

    He a promising athlete, from a family within the FALC, who allegedly raped these two women…his two worlds don't match, or do they?  

    Is it possible that his model of power has been completely skewed and these woman are just outlets for him to gain power?

    Andrew Vachss wrote that Rape is a method of enforcing domination and a program to enslave the vulnerable.  He wasn't picking on someone his own size or gender, but on those who are weaker than he…

    Knowing that rape isn't about sex, but it is about power, you have to look at his power models.

    Looking upon the power structure within the church and within families of this church, it is not hard to see how skewed this model is.

    You have leaders/preachers/elders/parents who also dominate the vulnerable, who enslave their minds, bodies and actions by how they dictate their lives.

    I know many will believe I have gone beneath the deep end now, but if rape is about power and not sex, then where did he learn this behavior, that being a powerful man is to dominate, enslave and force others?

    Who were his male role models and how did they act towards women or those much more vulnerable than them?  How are the women and children treated in this religion?

    If you look upon how children (vulnerable) are dominated by the beliefs of their parents to the point of being shunned if they don't capitulate, it is not a stretch to see his model.  They (children) give up their bodies and lives in order to fit into their parents religion, until they are powerless and the parents and church powerful.

    I see his behavior as completely making sense coming from whence he came.

    It would be more shocking to not have these young men acting out than it is to have them overpowering the weak to gain power.

    When we focus on the sexual act with rape, we lose the core purpose or tool of rape; power.

    Unless and until you have experienced the powerless feelings of the church, you can't imagine how little self power you have.  And, when you see how powerful the men are in how they control our bodies and lives, you will see that the volume of sexual assualts within the church match the models of power vs powerless.

    Even the woman I spoke to of the Old Apostolic Lutheran Church, wondered how come there was so much sexual abuse….she and other women of the church pondered this, as they stand in dresses, grey hair, bearing baby upon baby, voiceless and choiceless….powerless.  And, they wonder about the power assaults upon them…as they stand powerless.

    Do the men of the church ponder this 'problem' of assaults?  Are the board members and preachers huddling and collectively trying to figure out how to stop this massive bleeding of innocent lives?

    Do you hear the men of these churches fighting to give power to their children and wives?  Do you see them fighting for equal rights and self expression?  Are there commitees formed for self empowerment?  Are there classes beyond Bible class…such as ways to get out of abusive relationships and families?

    Am I the only one who is not shocked by the sheer numbers of abusers, but horrified and completely overwhelmed, by how many victims EACH of these men have dominated by using sex for power?

    I see too much….

    I see the perfect environment for evil to flourish…

    I see apathy and denial and defense towards a church of high morals and high values…while their children are in the headlines for allegedly raping.

    Will I see women start to rise and cry out for such horrific treatment of those two young women?

    When will the women of these churches start to get restless?  What will it take to make them rise?  How can you see your son and brother and friend act out this way and not question, something?

    The headline affirmed what I know and have been writing about endlessly; abuse and the FALC.

     



  • Vulnerability is a strength

    It is interesting to me to have the visit with the woman of the Old Apostolic Church dovetail with the reading of the book by Brene Brown, "Daring Greatly"….the two can't be more unalike!

    What would be daring greatly within the Old Apostolic Church?

    What would this woman have to do, to be daring?  

    When you see her lack of self expression or control over her body and dress (literally dress), you can appreciate how daring she is…for she is speaking to me, a non-church member about her secrets (shame).

    She is not daring enough to wear pants or color her hair, but she is daring enough to tell me, even though she felt the fear of disconnection if others knew.  Being with me is a dare and risk to her comfortable life…of fitting in.

    When Brene Brown speaks of vulnerability, she speaks about shame.  Shame is the fear of disconnection.  We fear being vulnerable for if we speak up, we will become disconnected.

    This woman will go through great constraints to match, to be connected to the church, she has given up her rights about her body and dress and capitulates in order to be connected. 

    What is interesting and vastly intriguing and telling, is that it is NOT the secret they fear or are afraid to tell, it is the avalanche of reject to follow.

    I know this to be true.

    It is what keeps shame running strong, for we fear most being alone.

    If you tell, you will lose the tribe's approval.

    What was even more shocking than finding out my father abused me and the churches non response, was my rejection by my family.

    Their own fear of being vulnerable, of standing in the light of day with their own secrets, had them moving away from me.  

    I always wondered, "what did my do", as my son used to say….that had them pushed so far back.  I stood with my shame pooling at my feet, all the things I had wanted to hide, were now exposed….and instead of hiding, I stood tall in the midst of it all. Naked, exposed and completely vulnerable.

    And it felt just like that.  

    And oddly it didn't make me weaker, but it made me stronger.

    Like Brene says, "Vulnerability is not a weakness, it is a strength."

    What I have noticed about the women of these extreme religions is that they believe the opposite….just like everyone else, that they are not allowed to show their secrets, for they will become annihilated.

    In fact, it is their shield and armour to have grey hair and all dress alike, they hide in the sea of being connected by how they look, act and believe.  What they fear the most is standing out, alone…disconnected.

    They will bare the weight of the untold story, of keeping secret secrets, anything to not disconnect from the herd….while being totally disconnected to their self.

    While I thought it was the story or the reputation of the man they held sacred, it was actually their own fear of being shunned.

    It gets tangled in the mind the protecting of pedophiles with the fear of rejection…how you will have to trade being alone for standing up against abuse.

    Who wants to purposefully stand out, negatively.

    Shame isn't about the dirtiness of the secret, but the feelings of being alone…if you were to share.  

    What I am always surprised and then not so much…is that popularity and being liked will more often than not trump doing what is right.

    I guess intrinsically we are programmed to connect and be loved and death woud be more preferable than being shunned and rejected.

    And, even being connected to the wrong bunch of people is better than being alone.

    There is another part of shame that correlates with the churches image….Perfection.

    While I know they would greatly defend and oppose what I am going to say, it is so.

    They believe that must be perfect in order to get to heaven, so anything that mares this surface has to be kept silent.  They need to be sinless, while saying it is impossible. They need to project the perfect family while perfection is impossible.  

    I recall hollering at my kids believing perfection was possible while failing the perfect mother test.

    This mind-set and belief that they are better than, the righter church, the best narrow path to God, has them shamefully hiding any imperfection….and shame flourishes with secrets and hiding.

    So, they are sitting in a conundrum…where truth and disconnection are battling.

    The only way we can save the children is to dare greatly and be disconnected and to stand as one vulnerable exposing our secrets.  

    "We are only as sick as our secrets" is a quote I have heard…

    The church and its families are as sick as their secrets…

    Imagine the group energies that are at work to keep perfection…are literally weakening the churches foundations…the smallest members, the children.

    What I know is that when I became vulnerable and shed my secrets, my mothering softened and was filled with empathy.  The more vulnerable I became, the less perfection I demanded.

    I am way okay with imperfections…shame thrives as long as you strive for perfection.

    Perfection is a weakness and Vulnerability is a strength….

     



  • Without Morals or Values

    "How can I go forward when I don't know which way I am facing."  John Lennon

    The women of the FALC and the OALC churches are women of strength.  They will endure and suffer beyond your imaginations to uphold the core values of the church…their faith.

    They are faith full women.

    They will carve their families into patterns that will fit into the church and cut off those that won't.

    They are women of strong constitution, only the constitution they uphold separates them from their Self…they are not a self, they are part of the church.

    But what happens when their children fall through the cracks, while they are tending to the needs of the church? What happens when being a faithful member and being a mother are at odds?  

    Being a mother and doing what is right for the child first is not an option or a choice as far as these women are concerned.  

    I know, for my mother was/is a strong christian woman whose faith is of the utmost importance…when the chips are down, she will always save her soul before the lives of her children.

    She will always do first what the church needs…before even considering another option. The church is her go to problem solving place…and will abide and follow its teachings, EVEN if it means "Blessing a pedophile"…and serving HIS needs before the victim.  I know this too, for she stayed married to my pedophile father for 49 years, and was 'counseled' by her preacher.

    He (preacher) knew and never sought the law, nor encouraged her to seek it as well. Nor do I recall a word mentioned about therapy for her or her children…

    Abuse was handled in the ways of the church and she was a good christian and abided its ways…turning her back on motherly instincts….she instead lived her life with the church leading the way.

    A follower of the First Apostolic Lutheran Church…

    And, I know she isn't alone. The church pews are filled with women just like her, who will first consult the church before making a choice, and in fact the only choices available are from the church, there is no other outside option.

    In looking at how this ideology affects abuse is that the child and victim is second or third in line when decision time comes along.  Faith if first, man is second….and then child.

    When the church believes in forgiving the man, the child is never seen.  For you can't deal with the abuse of the child, if you blessed the man, for you are unable to address his sins upon the child, for those sins have been blessed and released. And I am fairly certain, that no church body has ever reported abuse to the laws of the land.

    So criminal sins are not addressed. I know, that if a body died via a sin, then it would be pretty hard to just bless the sin and go on, for you have to do some thing with the dead body. But in the case of child abuse, the sins were upon a child. 

    And, a child's voice within the church and family structures is without a vote…

    What the laws of the land are expecting is for the child to come forth and tell.  To come forth and speak of a sin, that their mother blessed away, to stand against family and church for their own self…and to prosecute and speak against adults and members of the church…to shout to have a vote and a voice. 

    It isn't the strong women who need to turn in their faith in order for abuse to stop, but for the children who have never been able to make a decision about their lives, to go against church and family and make one, about abuse.

    About being sexually abused.

    To speak out about things the church doesn't speak about.

    To reveal 'dirty' things about an 'upstanding' church member. To rip their mother's faith from them, to leave the communtiy and trust in the ones who they have been taught are evil.

    How will these children find the strength to do this?  

    The laws of this land, are expecting children of abuse to come forth, and until this happens, we adults within the community and those within the churches can know and do nothing. Nothing.  The child has to be the one leading the charge.

    To charge that they were sexually abused…by a church member and they will not have the support of their mothers…just like me.  For their mothers clutch more tightly their faith than the well being of their children.

    And, the child knows this.

    It is like the whole structure is completely turned on its head…where the child is not protected but left out in the cold.  No one is there to stand up for the child.  

    I have felt that my life was just a residual affect of my mother not wanting to sin and take birth control, it wasn't that she wanted children, she didn't want to sin.  So, my life was never precious, or at least not at the same value as her faith.  And, my life experiences have proven this so.

    Waiting for the church to begin valuing its children will be a long wait.

    It will take a revolution of the children to tip this over.

    Maybe one day the FALC and OALC will have their Penn State day, where the out pouring of victims will bleed their value to its rightful place…without morals or values.

  • Living Truth

    "We owe the truth, not just the facts. I’m celebrating my 84th year on this planet. I’ve seen many things. I’ve learned many things. I’ve certainly been exposed to many things and I’ve learned something: I owe it to you, to tell you."        Maya Angelou

    When do we owe it to the other person to tell the truth?  Does this change from person to person? Are some more worthy than others?  Does it depend upon the relationship?  Who decides when you give up all your truth or just a portion?

    I love the sentiment that I owe it to you.  That it is up to me to give you all of me…and that it is my responsibility, not yours.  Our relationship's value depends upon how much I give…or how much I withhold.

    Martha Beck writes about truth in her book, "Finding Your Way in a Wild New World."

    "One of the most consistent themes among all human wisdom traditions is the teaching "The truth shall set you free."  But Westerners tend to believe that the truth is a mental or verbal story, a set of facts laid out in words. Eastern wayfinders and many other indigenous cultures, on the other hand, go to great lengths reminding students that "the finger that points to the moon is not the moon," that words are merely the vehicle to carry us toward the experience of truth. The words themselves are not truth. They are the product of a dualistic mind-set that's necessary for language but meaningless in the nondualist Everywhen. Truth itself is something you live, not something you think." 

    I totally get this.  The truth cannot be hidden or changed or erased with words, but that words no matter how sweetly spoken are nothing compared to movement…truth flows from how we live, not what we say.

    Truth is something we live, not what we think.  It isn't a thought in your head that can be changed and manipulated.

    In my old religion, the tactic of the forgiveness of sins, was to change the thoughts in your head, but it had zero impact on the truth…No amount of forgiveness (words) will change what has happened, ever…no matter how strongly you believe and have faith, nothing can un-ring a bell or undo what has been done.

    Martha Beck's definition of forgiveness is, giving up all hope that the past could have been any different.  This is what I have faith in…accepting what is. It now seems incredibly mental, but not in a way of being mentally challenged, but that the FALC was built upon and stands upon the very thing that is impossible to do; changing reality.

    They depend upon this like it is their life blood, their path to heaven is paved with the sentiment of forgiveness of sins.  Funny, they never try and erase or delete happy loving movements, only the ones that are not kind and hurtful.

    The juxtaposition between my old definition of forgiveness, wiping away movement, actions and words, and my new one, "Giving up all hope of changing the past"….leave me in a world where I am at peace, no matter what happens.  For what happens is living truth.

    "No matter how difficult and painful it may be, nothing sounds as good to the soul as the truth."  Martha Beck


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  • Beyond the Mind.

    In Proof of Heaven, Eben Alexander writes,

    "When it came to Near Death Experiences, there are there basic camps.  There were the believers; either people who had undergone an NDE themselves or who simply found such experiences easy to accept. Then, of course, there were the staunch unbelievers (like the old me). These people didn't generally classify themselves as unbelievers, however.  They simply "knew" that the brain generated consciousness and wouldn't hold still for crazy ideas of the mind beyond the body (unless they were good-naturedly comforting someone, as I had thought I'd been doing with Suzanna that day)."

    "The more I learned about my condition, and the more I sought, using scientific literature, to explain what happened, the more I came up spectacularly short. Everything – the uncanny clarity of my vision, the clearness of my thoughts as pure conceptual flow – suggested higher, not lower, brain functioning. But my higher brain had not been around to do that work."

    "The more I read of the "scientific" explanations of what NDEs are, the more I was shocked by their transparent flimsiness. And yet I also knew with chagrin that they were exactly the same ones that the old "me" would have pointed to vaguely if someone had asked me to explain what an NDE is."

    "But people who weren't doctors couldn't be expected to know this. If what I'd undergone had happened to someone – anyone – else, it would have been remarkable enough. But that it had happened to me…Well, saying that it had happened "for a reason" made me a little uneasy.  There was enough of the old doctor in me to know how outlandish – how grandiose, in fact – that sounded. But when I added up the sheer unlikelyhood of all the details – and especially when I considered how precisely perfect a disease E. coli meningitis was for taking my cortex down, and my rapid and complete recovery from almost certain destruction – I simply had to take serious the possibility that it really and truly had happened for a reason."

    "That only made me feel a greater sense of responsibility to tell my story right." Eben.

    What I love about this book and "My Stroke of Insight" is how a person with the right and perfect background and formal training has an experience, that they intimately understand and do so while remaining conscious, when medically it is impossible or so we thought…and how they are able to write about it.

    Eben was shown how consciousness works by experience and it trumped all his prior learning.  It opened up a completely new space around his neurosurgeon's beliefs.

    What I find so fascinating and so enthralling is how so many old beliefs are getting left standing almost silly looking by the sheer fact that People of Knowledge are experiencing what they thought was impossible.  That it is happening to specific people and it does seem to have its purpose.  If to do nothing else but to tip down old belief systems.

    I have felt, and do feel, a kinship to these folks, but in a much more normal segment of the population. A regular person who was aware of her journey out of dysfunction. 

    To find consciousness, clarity and choices while fully knowing my brain was washed and cleansed and twisted by the church and abuse…respectively.

    It would seem, that a person such as I, would not be able to "know" what to do, what to say and where to go…that the very person I was trained to be, would the very tool against me.  And yet, I was able to walk clear.

    How?

    How was it possible for me to do what others didn't seem able to do?  How was I different than them?  How am I able to see what others can't?  How is it that reality and I are one, while they can't seem to grasp it?

    All, I can say is that I too had consciousness on my side. It wasn't my thinking brain that guided me…for it was completely damaged by years of cult like teachings and abuse's definitions…I used a totally different navigational tool…awareness – consciousness…a knowing that I hadn't known before.

    Everything that I had known prior was to also be found flimsy and weak, without a string to reality.

    The reason I write on this blog is to share my experiences of how abuse looks to an aware mind.  How religion's applications of forgiveness of sins is failing in reality. Without awareness or consciousness…you can only see the unquestioned beliefs…without doubts you will stand steadfast in the clutches of your unfounded beliefs.

    I know, that I am seen as "the crazy one" the one who is way out there.  I get it. And, I agree. I am not the usual victim.  I have been able to see my brainwashed mind and the way abuse had it so completely upside down.  And, I have been able to re-work those old definitions to put them back correctly.

    I believe that this is the new way forward. That the abused mind/brainwashed cult brain can be overcome…by consciousness.

    What I don't know is how to get consciousness, for it just was there for me. When my world shattered into a billion pieces all I was left with was that.  Which actually was much wider and more spacious than any belief I held dear.

    I have lost much, but I have gained even more.

    I write, for I believe that it will someday make someone else's journey less weird and feel less crazy.  

    These books legitimize the unbelievable and make a new belief…while kindly ridding us of the old paradigms.

    I have felt the strange aloneness, the echoes of no one before me. To be ahead of the time.  To look around and see so many challenging me with this 'weird' way.

    It is like there are new experiences coming forth…gaining consciousness.

    I wonder what we have called "Near Death Experiences" were actually brushes with consciousness?

    For, It changes you forever…knowing there is more beyond the mind.

  • Control Us.

    In Eben Alexander's book, "Proof of Heaven" he writes about evil.

    "Through the Orb, Om told me that there is not one universe but many – in fact, more than I could conceive – but that love lay at the center of all of them. Evil was present in all the other universes as well, but only in the tiniest trace amounts. Evil was necessary because without it free will was impossible, and without free will there could be no growth – no forward movement, no chance for us to become what God longed for us to be. Horrible and all-powerful as evil sometimes seemed to be in a dominant world like ours, in the larger picture love was overwhelmingly dominant, and it would ultimately be triumphant."  Eben

    It is interesting to see the human growth factor in the application of evil, and how we would prefer that there just not be any…and yet if it was removed, our human consciousness would be stunted.

    Evil forces us to grow by how we utilize our free will.  It is asking of you to put up boundaries, to sit with the cause and effect and to choose.  If there weren't opposites, what would we have to push against?

    Ironically, my biggest growth spurt came when I recognized the evil in my father… my mother and in myself.  It was then, I had a choice.  Who am I?

    If, I had staunchly defended his/her/my good, I would have failed to grow.

    In seeing evil, I then became unglued…I had free will.

    I was able to see two choices.

    Ironically most churches will preach against evil and then bless it away…while never actually dealing with it.  

    IF, evil wasn't something to bless away, but rather something that was in place for you to learn about choices, it would be very powerful indeed. Powerful in a way that doesn't weaken who you are, but rather empower you, by the choices you make.

    It is like evil's presence is everywhere, but we are using it poorly. We are allowing it to weaken us, instead of using it as a spring board for strengthening our free will.

    I have come to view churches as the biggest advocate for evil…for it eliminates our power to move away, by saying "No sin is too great to forgive."

    Instead of letting evil stand alone, the church quickly comes in and erases it…eliminating the choice to move away.  If the evil is no longer there, there is no reason to change your choice.

    If, you remove the application of forgiveness of sins, you let evil stand unveiled. It then becomes the responsibility of the 'evil' one to change….or not.  Restoring each person's free will.

    What is the incentive for evil folks to change their behavior when it isn't seen as a tangible item, but rather a fleeting image that isn't attached to them?

    In my experiences with my father and his supporters, none of his behavior did he have to own, improve or change.  His evil behaviors were not registered into the content of who he was.  Until perhaps upon his death…when, the choices of engagement with him was eliminated.

    So many will wait until the choice is taken from them….when the other person dies, so that they are free. This is not a growth exercise.

    Evil is here to give us a choice…for us to grow as individuals, for us to find our inner strength…and free will.

    Evil would not be so powerful if more of us had free will.

    In fact, the answer to evil just may be free will.

    Evil is only powerful if it can control us.  






  • Back to Me.

    ‎"The path spirals and takes time – it will take us a year – but it is comforting and nurturing. It can also be undertaken only one day at a time. Don't be afraid. We are not alone. Like pioneers on the trail, we will learn to live by our own lights and the stars of heaven, for that is all we need. There is no obstacle that true grit and Amazing Grace cannot overcome." Sarah B

    What I have discovered is the path towards healing from sexual abuse is quite long…it is actually as long as it is equal to the distance of living your own truth.

    I was way off the mark, a long way from center.  My whole perception of the world and self was skewed.

    And, the journey was taken by me and Amazing Grace.  Together, the right and perfect orchestration arose for me to see that which I hadn't seen. An unconscious part of me.  Or, I was put back into the perfect situation to express that which I hadn't expressed or felt.

    If you truly desire to change the direction of your path, you will be assisted by the whole power of the Universe.  

    I had books that would simply be set out in the library, that would answer a question that was plaguing me, I would cross paths with a person that shared with me their experience, events would arise and I would hear another person's story that echoed mine…all orchestrated for me.

    There were no mistakes in my past and none in my present…all represent who I am today.  Most challenges, while grueling, were to give back to me a part of me that was lost.  A part of me that was under the influence of others or things.  

    The path to self awareness or self empowerment, will be a slide show in real time…bringing up all the parts of your self that are not free.

    We think to our selves, that it would be a lofty spiritual goal to want enlightenment or to be fully aware….only to find out all the places we ARE NOT.

    It isn't for the faint of heart.  It will absolutely take true grit to get you to win back to your self the parts that you gave away out of survival or to be liked or to be loved.

    I began with very little that was solely me.  Most of me was tangle into lives and things and far out of my control. And, when I took me back, my world rattled.

    Most were not used to me being so self centered.  So intent on living life from my inside out…

    My truths were hard to hear and survive for others…as well as for me.

    But, I would have simply died…to have lost one more speck of me. And, once I knew that what I called myself, was actually a composition of what you all thought of me….and it had very little roots within me.

    In the past 8 years I have been on a path of gathering me…

    I have found parts of myself in the oddest of places.

    Like, my toenails were owned by the FALC (First Apostolic Lutheran Church). As well as my hair, my make-up less face, my womb, etc.  

    I found my decisions in my husband.  I believed he and he alone should make the 'big choices'.

    I found my spirit and my soul to be very small…in comparison to the rest of my life. 

    I found my love, trust and faith to have been trashed and I am working to revive it.

    I found my mothering skills a direct reflection of my mothers and in horror worked to re-define them.

    The list is endless and I just never know when a part of me will pop up…when a lost part of myself will come into view. 

    I recognize it by how powerless I am.

    It means a part of me is being held hostage, I am not in control.

    If I can find a way to not be influenced or affected by them, I take me back.

    The harder the challenge, the more of me, I stand to gain.

    My path has been long, for I had given so much of me away….

    It is truly exhilarating and terrifying, gratifying and confounding, hating and loving, equally.

    A long road back to me.