I M Perfect lady

Category: FALC

  • Pain Killers

    After 7 years of trying to understand all the aspects of abuse, both in my life and in general, it comes down to either being in reality or not.  Sounds simple and seems impossible to NOT be in reality…. but it is extremely hard to do what you feel, and not what is expected.  To stand up when everyone else is sitting down…to speak the truth, when most feel uncomfortable with it.  Yet, the one thing that keeps us connected to abuse IS our lack of being able to say the truth.  To ourselves and to others. To own it and act in harmony with it.

    The reason it is so hard is that we are taught at a very young age to leave reality for our love and happiness, we are told, is to remain outside of reality.  Love and approval will be withdrawn if you attempt to leave. So, we stay.

    In order to stay outside of the truth, we will acquire many many habits that will ease this pain of not being able to embrace our truths.  

    What is so telling is that when you see folks with abusive behaviors, they are red flags that they are not able to be in the truth. The abusive behaviors ARE there only for one reason, to cover up the pain, they are not allowed to express.

    It seems incredible to me that EVEN if they don't want to share their truth, the tools they use to cover it up shouts at us…that they are not living their natural life.

    A natural life will not require pain killers.  My brother said this on the phone to me. Pain killers are addictions.  They are used to kill the pain.

    People don't just become addicted to the substance, they become addicted to IT covering up their pain.  

    I believe the pain is mostly from not being seen as the innocent in abuse, not being validated, and how the family member IS NOT treated like the abuser/criminal that he/she is, and instead is treated and even 'respected' and honored as the parent.

    The raising of the perpetrator, lowers the innocent into the water of shame, blame and guilt.  This is the pain that we try and eat to cover up, drink to wash it away, etc.

    Pain is the only reason we part take in these behaviors IT makes us feel better by not feeling our pain.

    I believe that all pain comes from not being able to walk in reality.

    We are not allowed to keep reality.  It has to be a secret.  Hidden.

    What came to me yesterday is that the FALC is playing this hide reality game, with its forgiveness of sins and wiping clean the slate.  How a whole religion is feeding into this concept blows my mind.  The way the church uses this is to keep the abusers clean…and the children Unseen.  There are no abused children in the church…for all the 'sins' have been washed away.  

    This leaves the children invisible…their pain undealt with, and they have to self soothe.  And they do so with anything that pushed down their true feelings.

    How is a child suppose to stand up for her truth, when family and church vow to keep it hidden?  

    In order to be in my mother's family, you have to act like abuse didn't happen, that you were NOT affected.  

    There is no place in the family for you IF you want to explore the multiple ways that abuse and never talking about it, has colored your world.  The only way you get to stay in and be fully included is IF you can go on as if NOTHING happened and you are okay.

    They don't want to see the evidence of the abuse…for that may make it real…and their current lives a lie.  

    It is best to shut out abuse and keep their lives.

    I know that they are not keeping me out, but rather keeping abuse out of their lives.

    They haven't learned a thing from my mother's life.

    She did this, and look where it got her?

    In the end, her life was still connected with abuse.  For whether you admit it or not, abuse tags along…it is there, because you can't erase reality.

    Abuse tags along no matter what addiction you use to kill it.  It survives. Truth goes nowhere.  The only way to be at peace is to see abuse…to feel all the emotions that abuse truly is.

    Once you feel it, you will have no need to cover it up.  And we see the cover up and we know why you need it. Those who live in their truth have no reason for pain killers.



  • We abuse our self.

    I am working on putting a Picture Book together with my Story Line quilts…and writing a brief synopsis about each quilt as it represents a portion of my journey.

    I have a visual graph of my inner transformation as I undid abuse and changed my perceptions back to the truth.

    Change is a very slippery word and it often times gets misconstrued, for we are expecting a dramatic life altering physical change, when all that is required is a 360 degree perceptional change.

    It is to change HOW you see things, not the things.

    To remove yourself from one belief and settle your self into another.

    Moving your awareness.  Rearranging your thoughts to match reality instead of using thoughts to cover up what is real.

    What most may fail to recognize, are the changes we fail to make when abuse calls upon us.  Many will focus on the physical act, but few will focus on our perceptions.

    In an abusive home, where abuse isn't addressed…what this means is that, perceptions don't change to now match the new reality.  It isn't that the act isn't dealt with, but rather the perceptions don't change to mirror what just happened.

    It is this that totally screws with the minds of a child.

    Here is the deal.

    My father CHANGED when he acted out sexually to me.  At this point, my viewpoint of him should have changed too.  When I didn't change this inside of my head.  My head no longer matched reality.

    With a head that is askew, I then built my life.

    To undo the abuse, what we are really saying is that we need to straighten out our perceptions.  We have to now make the changes we failed to make way back then.

    It sounds so simple, but I had created a whole life, based on the wrong perceptions.

    I now had to change a father into a pedophile, a mother into his accomplice, and it left me with a new family portrait.

    Change one picture, and the rest start to shift.

    My father changed when he abused me and I didn't act like anything had changed. 

    However, my reality had changed, I just wasn't allowed to let my perceptions of him change.

    Instead of recording the actual event, it recorded things that surrounded it.

    I don't have many memories of my childhood, but I do have wierd ones.

    However, most importantly, my body recorded it accurately.  IT feared my father.

    It didn't want to get close to him.

    No matter what my mind concocted, my body held the correct perceptions.

    I had to change my mind to match what my body felt.

    Undoing abuse means you have to change your mind.

    It doesn't mean forcing your body to feel comfortable or at ease with someone who has hurt you.  It means to follow your body's lead.

    When you change the perceptions in your head to match reality, you will begin to act differently. 

    You will act in kind to reality.

    I no longer felt I had to force myself to be in relationships with family who I no longer trusted or felt safe with…or whose perceptions didn't match reality.

    The greatest tragedy of abuse is that we don't change our perceptions of the person who hurt us.  We want a mother and father so badly, we will think anything to maintain this in our heads.  And as little helpless children, we needed to believe that we were safe.  We wouldn't have survived knowing there was no one there to save us, that we were living in the home of a pedophile and his wife.

    How awful this is to an abused child.  Your wounds go unattended, in order to keep up the perceptions in your home.  If they see your abuse, they will see the monster who lives there too.

    In order to keep the illusion going, you adjust your perceptions.

    Most have no clue what this does to a human being.  It makes you insane.

    Insanity is seeing a reality that doesn't exist.

    Seeing a father where a pedophile stands.

    I became sane, when I saw reality…my perceptions finally matched my body.

    Abused children who are abused by a family member, are usually neglected in order to keep the abusive family member. Rarely is the child treated and the family member removed.

    They would rather keep an abusive father than live without one.

    The child then learns, to overlook abuse and keep the relationship.

    What we fail to appreciate is that we are holding onto abuse and there is no relationship outside of that.  Our new relationships are abuse.

    It is abusive to ourselves to change our truth and perceptions to go against reality.

    We keep a 'loving' father and we abuse our self.

  • Who Blame Others.

    Learning with Dial Help has given me a wider view of the same problems.  And I can see it doesn't matter who you are or what is your crisis, we all need the same things.

    We all need to see our self in the truth of our life, not as we wish it were, but as it is…and we can't look at others being MY problem.  They are not My problem, I am my problem.

    When I see me  as my problem, my healing begins.

    Until then, you are just stirring the pot of drama.

    Iyanla said, "You can't have a relationship without truth."  And this is extremely important with the relationship with yourself.  If you can't tell yourself the truth, you don't have a relationship with your self.  You have lies.

    Lies with your self will not lead to a better life, but rather to a life that gets further out of your control.  The lies control your life.

    Most are unaware of the lies they tell themselves…and the lies may even sound kind and sorta spiritual and gentle, but they are lies nonetheless.

    My lies were clearly hidden in plain view. Yet the truth was no where spoken in my family.  If my mother couldn't speak her truth, she taught me not to speak mine.

    The truth was to be omitted from our daily lives.

    We lie to be kind, to be friendlier, to be liked, but each time we lie, we add to the spin of our worlds; spinning us in the wrong direction.

    I had a whole life that was spun in a complete opposite direction from the truth.  A life that was far away from my feelings and emotions.  I wasn't allowed to speak truthfully about what I thought or felt in my childhood home.  

    We are taught how to cover up our truths.

    What I know from experience, is that crisis is when you can't find and accept the truth of what is…and see that you are the crisis maker.

    Certainly there will be tragedies in life, accidents and deaths, that are out of our control, but even these are handled better when you can allow your self to feel what you feel, and you see yourself and the choices each situation brings for you.

    The biggest crisis of all, is when you lose sight of your self…and the truth is so far away from you, that you can't even see it.  

    No self and No truth.  

    Just a life spinning out of control, without a ground to stand upon.  

    I woke up there.

    And I used nature to ground me.  To keep me in reality, while I looked at how I had allowed my life to spin so far away from me and my feelings.

    I can't know what will wake you up…but, until then, there is nothing anyone can do to fix your life, to make you happier, or more at peace. If they can, it is all an illusion. For true happiness and peace, love and joy, come when you can see yourself and your truth, no matter how out of control and ugly it is.

    Truth can indeed set you free.

    And, God does help those who help themselves…he doesn't help those who blame others.






  • The Right Seeds.

    The feelings I have inside, and how I feel about myself, and how much I know myself, and where I come from, are huge factors in how I mother. 

    When I had no connection to myself and the truth of my history, I mothered by controlling the child.  When I knew who I was and where I had come from, I mothered by controlling me.

    The difference is in knowing where I can affect change and where I cannot.  What is my business and what is not. What I am allowed to control and what I have to surrender to.  The difference is knowing where to put my attention and focus.

    My life didn't change, but what I concentrated on did.  In the past I used to focus intently on what they were doing, and now I had to keep looking at me.

    For the past 4 years I have had an adult daughter, or two or three, all come home to live, while they completed their schooling or become financially able to make it on their own.  But, regardless, they were back home living with me.

    The first year there were 4 adult women in my home, and I panicked.  For, I instinctively felt the control of the home slipping out of my grasp.  Yet, it had nothing to do with the home or them,and had everything to do with me.  I felt that I would have to have iron control of myself…or be out of control. 

    It was like I was being thrown into a Mothering Test.

    One that would require my utmost skills to make it through with healthy relationships with my daughters in tact.

    When I didn't know my self or the path I had grew up on, I mothered by needing to control… severely control.  I expected the outside to bend and sway in a way that made me comfortable. And when the outside was a mess or confusing, I would go out of control.

    I didn't know that I could instead make me comfortable no matter the situation.  So, I would fly off the handle at the barest of excuses.  I wasn't in control of my life. 

    It seems impossible, but the more I knew of where I came from, the more in control I became.  It didn't matter if my childhood was out of control…or my feelings inside about it were confusing and emotionally out of control…the more I discovered about me, the more I could control me.

    When I was mothering in the dark, if you will, I was way out of control.

    But, once I knew the mess I came from, I began gaining control over my self.

    It was a long process and still a work in progress, but what I know, is that the outside isn't what we learn to control, but rather how we will respond, that grants us the freedom from being out of control.

    What I find so amazing is that there is no control being out of control, and yet we feel we are in control…and we feel powerful, while being powerless.

    The oxymoron of this all, is what is so hard to escape from…for real power comes when you stop controlling or wanting to control of the outside…meaning the people you live with.

    I had to learn this while living in real time with my adult children…and they gave me great lessons in giving up control…and some were harder won than others.  

    This power struggle eclipses love and nurturing or even caring. For the biggest pull is to be in control.  

    In my experience, love and control are the opposites.

    Suffocating the life out of your child is not love, it is control.

    To relax in my home and give up power or control over even the little details was not an easy thing to do for me. Mostly to surrender or open the space for everyone to move a bit more freer…to breathe.

     Details of the house relaxed.  Rules were adjusted.  Ideals were released. It became a much freer space for all.  

    I believe to the depth of my being, that my kids had to move back home, so I could do  the Mothering Test and learn to set them free.

    My last daughter moved out this weekend.  And I believe, we neutralized the negative feelings each of us had of the other…over the past 4 years.  For she was my greatest teacher.

    She didn't fear standing up for her rights…her needs or what she wanted. She would answer back and argue her point…making me work harder to keep my inner peace.

    It is easy to mother (okay control) a child who wants to please you…much harder when it is one who wants to please herself. She was doing what I wanted and needed to do…she was my example of being your own self.

    My other daughters do that too, but just not so loudly…

    All my daughters are in control of themselves and are now free to do what they please and not what pleases me.  That is a success as a mother.  How awful it would have been to have children live to please me.  To do what I wanted, needed in order for me to be comfortable in MY life.  

    A controlling mother sees her children as what it means to Her, not what it means in Their lives. She fails to see her child, but what Her child can do for her.

    The difference is so wide…and the gap between is where love gets lost…where respect disappears, and a child's life swings in the balance.

    I am so grateful to have had the chance to re-mother.  It wasn't perfect or pretty, but it was much closer to being loving and free.  

    The parting was without drama.  

    She didn't leave angry.  I didn't feel desperate to have her gone.

    But, it was time…for both of us.  She needs to make her own home…and I completed my test.

    The combination of what I had to do within this Mothering Test boggles my mind.

    I was undoing the damage I had done to my children. 

    I was re-learning how to mother.

    And I was healing the child within me.

    Mothering my children and me, while being the mother and the wounded child.

    My children's lives will tell me…if I succeeded at mothering.

    If they have a voice and a choice…and they are free to use both, they will live free.

    If they feel worthy and empowered, I did my job well.

    I am hoping I planted the right seeds.








  • Hear Their Cries.

    It is that time a year when on my route, I get to see babies in nature.  The ones I particularly love, are the fawns.  They are so wobbly and tiny, and yet expected to cross the roads quickly behind their moms.  I have seen three sets this spring.

    IMG_8063
    This little one got confused.  It did not follow the mom, and was making crying noises.  When I got between the baby and his mom, she came back across the road and stood between me and baby.  And she began making distress noises.  I drove off, letting them be in peace.  And, forgetting to get her picture.  You can tell by the size of the "For Sale" sign, how tiny it is.

    Further on the route, on a paved road, I again watched a mom cross the road, and a baby start, hesitate and then go back to the side of the road and lay down.

    So, I slowly drove up and snapped this picture.

    IMG_8064
    This is right on the side of the pavement….I am just leaning out of my passenger window.  It can almost hide in the short grass.

    IMG_8066
    As I am taking this picture, the mom comes back across the road, but quickly disappears in the trees. I again, leave…knowing I am causing them both stress.

    What amazes me is how attentive the mothers are in nature, and how defensive of their little ones, how they will put themselves in the way of danger to save their child. The natural mother instinct to protect, is alive and well out in the wild.

    What a marvel that without parenting classes they do this so well.  I said to the momma deer that stood and pranced in distress…."Good Mom, you are doing a good job!"

    And then there is the human species, who seem to fail at this in rising numbers.

    I am not sure if our natural mother instincts are disengaged, or do we not recognize danger?  

    In my experience, my body had a warning system fully engaged, but my mind overrode this "fear" signal.  It first of all deleted the molestation pictures or failed to even record them. So, all I had was a beeping body, but nothing else to go on.  My fears of my father seemed groundless and false.

    I was unable to discern danger…for I wanted my mind to agree. 

    As a child, in order to survive, our minds protect us. By not remembering the abuse. And this alone disengages the danger knowing.  We can't survive in childhood, with all of our faculties, IF we know, we are in danger.  Yet, oddly, what we don't feel is safe. We are not if full blown danger, but nor are we relaxed and feeling cared for.

    I have been thinking about what I could contribute to Dial Help as a hand out.  For they handed to me what was abuse.  I am thinking, instead there needs to be a worksheet, that is similar to "You know you're a Redneck, IF…."

    So, it would be, "You know you're a victim, IF…"

    The way the human body and mind work together to help us survive, is the hurdle we need to overcome in order to get back to who we were prior to abuse.

    This mechanism that is automatic, pre-sets us into believing what is not real…and not believing that which IS.

    Our inner sight and knowing is completely backwards.

    It is my belief, that there are many folks just like me in the FALC, who have this psychic blindness. And we are asking the blind to see. How?

     I am not sure I can articulate this accurately, to portray the dilemma any agency will have to flip this around, for they are living in a sea of danger and are unaware.

    The momma deer, knows I am a danger to her child.

    The woman who is married to a pedophile doesn't see the danger.

    What I do believe, though, at least in my experience…is that the child is trying to teach the parent. The child is giving out signals that the parent is missing.

    But what I also know to be true in most cases, is that the parent themselves are abused and their own pain has them so self absorbed, they can't see their children.

    They haven't healed from their own childhoods…so they don't know how to mother naturally, and to know danger.  Unlike animals in nature, we don't know who the predators are.

    And when this is so, the children are left unprotected.  It is open season all year round, and a child has no one to hear their cries.




  • Anyone Can

    Last night was my first night "Shadowing" on the Crisis Line at Dial Help.  We didn't have one phone call, but we did discuss abuse and the intricacies in how we can make a difference in stopping abuse, and the different dynamics that arise when religion seems to be working with abuse and against folks who want to help.

    In the FALC, for example, where children are taught at an early age, that they are not in control of their bodies, that the church is allowed to tell them what they can and cannot do, it leaves them voiceless and choice-less.  A perfect individual to abuse, for they have never been in control of their own bodies and taught that their lives are not theirs to decide, but the church will, and does.

    Just by dictating how their lives should be lived…leaves them without access to their freedom.  They have never been free to do as they please, but rather have received affirmations for doing what the church deems okay.  It leaves them extremely susceptible for abuse.  And IF abuse happens, they also fear going against authority of the church and the elders. They have been taught to follow, not lead.

    It matters not what rules and sins they have been taught, it isn't about the nail polish or TV, etc…It is about giving up your rights.  Giving up your body.

    The seemingly harmless 'offense' of nail polish, is actually a huge body control issue.  The church owns your fingernails, you DON'T.

    If the church owns your fingernails and you don't, what other parts of the body does it own or more important, what parts do you own?

    When you have children who are taught that their bodies are not theirs to do with AS THEY CHOOSE, they are again, the perfect candidate for abuse.  In fact, it seems the church is grooming them from the day they were born to be a victim.

    And they are…

    The greatest hurdle that stands in the way of rescuing children who have been abused, is the church's rules and its overall sentiment of mind and body control. Second is the family.  A family comprised of church's rules.

    What we need are folks who are willing to undo the churches control; we need rebels.  

    The strong hold the cult like doctrine needs to be weakened.

    What is so striking to me, is strength of the doctrine against the weakened individual.  The simple fact that there is no movement in reaching outward for help, shows the mind control.

    That there are adults within the church WHO KNOW, and yet are frozen.  Unable or unwilling to stand up.  That alone shows the mind constraint.

    My story has church families who knew 40 years ago…and remained silent for that amount of time.  How many others are there?  This isn't about saving me or me being upset, it is about the overall picture of how the church controls the people.

    Even when facing child abuse; adults remain mute.  No reaching for outside sources to gain help.

    However, I believe we are making in roads.  Slight narrow spaces are opening up.  A new generation is being birthed. We are changing.  Look at me.  I am speaking out. I was born into a family of the FALC.  I had given up all rights to my body and I took them back…one fingernail at a time. If I can do it, anyone can.

    Below are two ways you can report.  People who can walk with you.  You are not alone.  There are folks who are willing to listen and to believe.  There is no need for you to know and not report.

    To report child abuse/sexual abuse or neglect – as of March 2012, there is now one number to call in the State of MI 24/7. 

    855-444-3911

    http://www.michigan.gov/documents/FIA3200_11924_7.pdf   This form is usually for professionals, but you can use it as a guide or perhaps just put down the children's names you feel are at risk.  My father's case began when one caring adult, cared enough to report their suspicions.  Please, the small children can't do this without your help. They are waiting for an adult to do what is right.  If you're an adult, and your abuser is still alive, you can write down names of children he/she has access to.  

  • Covering Up my Truth.

    I listened to Jane Fonda speaking about her life, and I wasn't able to write it down word for word, but what she had to say struck me.

    How our survival self stands in the way of us growing up and becoming whole.

    I know this is true.  

    She said, "I stepped out of myself to live next door to me, in a shell of perfection."

    This shell is pretending to not be hurt and abused, but to be 'okay' and 'normal'. We have to act like this, in order to maintain the family's image and good front.  It soon becomes who we are, it grows thicker and thicker, the longer we live this way.

    She also said that the tool we use to survive, becomes the tool that is the obstacle for becoming whole.

    I see it as the shell has to be taken down in order to get back to your own self, and this shell is the facade we lived as to be normal and okay.  Removing this wall brings us to our truth.

    Our truth is scary on many levels.  For one it is not accepted by our parents and others who want to remain in their shells.  And it was terrifying knowing that I lived as a shell, but not me. That my truth wasn't who I had lived as.

    I knew my shell much better than I knew who I was and my history.  As a shell I constructed things to look better than they appeared. Friendlier, kinder and more loving.  Outside of the shell it was like all my friends became enemies.

    Yet, without ever leaving the shell of pretend, I would not have grown up…I would have remained stunted and as immature as a child inside; a wounded child.

    It is funny, in a peculiar way, that we believe we can add things to cover up our abuse, and that we can grow around it.  But, in the end, we end up with a pretty, perfect shell, and a yucky inside.

    Our outer appearance can't change how we feel inside.

    This is the mad dance and marathon…forever adding something on the outside to help boost our self esteem.  I couldn't be good enough, smart enough or cute enough to erase the abuse.

    Once I sat down with my wounded child, I was able to begin growing as me.

    No more shells.  

    No more pretending.  

    Instead I began falling in love with me…broken, abused, but real.  

    I loved my real self and had to say good bye to the shell.  

    The shell that helped me survive my childhood had followed me into adulthood.  

    Jane is right, the shell that kept me surviving my childhood, also kept me from being whole and me.

    So in order to become me, I had to leave my shell behind.

    My shell was the shield that kept my real feelings from showing.

    Kept me from pleasing myself, but always pleased others.

    It shielded me from becoming too emotional and loving, from being open and vulnerable.  My soft spot remained behind this thick wall.

    I remember my husband commenting, in the very early days of my father's exposure, that I was like a scared rabbit.  And I was.  I was walking around fully exposed without my shell.

    God, those early days were brutal.  Living life without a shell had me feeling extremely naked…and bloody.  The image of a wound.

    I was walking around as a wound…without a shell. No longer able to pretend that I wasn't abused.

    Until you can heal the wound you are very sensitive…with your nerves exposed.

    Now, I feel my wound is healed.

    Shell long discarded…and I am growing up. 

    My insides are matching my body.

    I no longer am a grown woman, wearing a shell, to cover up my wounded child.

    I am now grown woman who was wounded as a child…who grew up as I mothered my own wound, by no longer covering up my truth.



  • Matches Reality

    What has been so extremely enthralling and terrifying is how my mind can see reality totally opposite of how it actually is.  How I could live blind of not only what I was doing, but that of others as well.  How I could disregard my feelings and believe my thoughts in my head.

    Unless, you have woken up to the reality of your own life, this concept will seem completely nuts.

    The only thing that truly changed in my world, was my perceptions.  Nothing else changed.  The people were still acting as they always had, I just could now see them.

    It wasn't that my father suddenly turned into a pedophile, instead I suddenly realized that my body was telling the truth.  My body's fear was justified.

    The only thing that suddenly happened is that I realized that my mind was all messed up.  

    I stood outside of my mind looking at the way it had created a life for me that wasn't true.

    My awareness had reached a new level.  

    One of the last conversations I had with my mother, she correctly stated, "You and I have two different perceptions of Ray."  

    Absolutely!

    It is amazing that she knew this. And I exclaimed back to her, "Yes, and my perception is that he is a pedophile and in the Houghton County Jail!"

    What my mother's mind and mine, could not agree with is, who is the real Ray?

    It isn't that reality isn't always there, but that our minds are not allowing us to see it.

    My mother's perceptions would not allow her to see him as a pedophile.  And that alone doesn't make him NOT one.  Yet, in her world she acts like it is so…because her mind is closed to new information.  She has her mind made up, and nothing in reality will sway it otherwise. 

    Standing against my mother, allowed me to stand with reality.

    What amazes me is that she believes there ARE two choices in reality….when actually, there is only one.  One is the truth, the other is not.  There truly can be many perceptions of the truth, but only one of them matches reality.



  • Neglecting None

    In last nights role play at Dial Help, we learned about depression, or experienced what it feels like to answer the calls…or even more important, how it feels to sit in the emotion with them or 'try and fix things'.

    In my first attempt, I ignored his feelings and worked to solve the situation that circled him like a noose.  While dodging how he felt, I focused on the outliers in his life. Leaving him once again totally alone.

    It wasn't intentional, but since he was a 'stranger' I didn't want to get personal and jump feet first into how he felt…instead I was working on the outside structure, that would circuitously lead to reducing his stressful feelings.  Exploring the things that were giving him stress and not his stress, if that makes sense.

    The second caller, I jumped in feet first and ignored our strangeness.  And oddly, this call went much better.  I wasn't perfect, but I was perfectly with her feelings. Together we swam and explored the heavy grey, that clouded her world, the juxtaposition about her outer life and how she truly feels inside. 

    What I learned is that emotions is our common denominator, we all feel emotions the same way.  Overwhelm is overwhelm…no matter the cause that creates it.

    And, that most will not look directly at the pain and stress, but rather the structures that create it…asking the one in pain to see things differently or focus outside instead of inside.

    It is so revealing when you sit with emotions, like coming face to face with the truth. And if you worry about the causes, you miss the opportunity to see the person.

    What most callers need is for you to see them…and how they feel.  

    In our society, or at least the environment that I was raised in, you did whatever you could as to NoT feel.  Or certainly change the negative feelings, by relabeling the outer source or finding excuses, or the favorite, Blessing away the sins that cause you pain.

    We become strangers to our emotions…uncomfortable with them.  

    I believe that all the emotions we have ignored are not gone away, we didn't miss the opportunity to sit with them awhile, they are all there inside of us, waiting to flow forth.

    What I also believe, in some situtations, you get an overwhelming feeling, for behind the emotion file named sadness, you may have 45 years worth of pain to feel…and that is what weighs you down.

    Going into the pain, voicing it, feeling it; expressing it….is for the pain to be heard and validated, and that is its purpose.

    The purpose of emotions is not to ignore them…but to hear what they are telling you.

    I know, for myself, I didn't know my own emotions, I had pushed them down and back for 46 years.  So, when I opened the door, an avalanche of feelings poured out.

    I was overwrought with emotions.  And had to teach myself how to deal with them, I literally had to tell myself, "Feel This."  And I wrote about my feelings and emotions.

    I stopped looking outside at the circumference of my life, and instead began living from the center.  But first, I had to go back and relive my first 46 years…

    Living hand to heart with my emotions. Where in the past, I did everything and anything to not have to feel.  My emotions were bottled up inside, shoved into tight balled fists…resentment, anger, injustice, to name a few…all kept far away from mind and mouth.

    When I began to live my center…I had years and years worth to feel, express and voice.  My truth was just waiting for me to see it, hear it and feel it.  I validated me by standing face to face with how I felt.  Even in the darkest emotions, I stood and let the waves of sorrow drip.

    Being alive is dancing with each emotion, neglecting none.




  • Deviating from What is Standard.

    Our training last night was so revealing to me on so many levels.  

    We do role playing on the phones.  Meaning, a person is the caller and we are the liners (on the crisis line) and we then get a feel for the type of a calls and what is helpful and what is not.

    What came out last night was very interesting.  How as you sit listening, you yourself and your experience history can become a block for the person on the line. Unknowingly, you are not as free to explore their pain.  

    This unconscious belief is there, and it blocks you from moving, and you don't even know it…until it is pointed out.

    As one person is in the hot seat (being a liner) the rest of us are watching.  And being a witness to the call and not on it, you are so wise, for your unconscious issues are not threatened.  

    What I thought about as I was falling to sleep, is that we all can solve issues and problems in anothers life, especially just witnessing it and not being actively engaged in it.  However, become engaged, and your unconscious pain and wounds will not let you respond freely, you will hit a wall.

    You will only explore as far as you yourself have gone…you move up to the wall of uncomfortable, but not beyond it.  And, if you are watching the dialogue, BUT not in it, you are free to explore options, for your own unconsciousness is not engaged.

    But, put yourself into the scene, and you freeze.

    Wildly intriguing to see…and extremely telling in how we operate in life.  Very good at knowing what to do as long as we are not engaged in real life.  

    I can see as a therapist, that they will unknowingly have blocks that will block exits and pathways to healing, depending upon their own life experiences.  

    If you are seeing a therapist and it feels like you are making no progress, IT very well may be because, they can only take you so far.  

    And, it also came to me, that if your support system is all from the same stock, you may just stir the pot, but never find a solution or healing way out.

    I can see I missed my calling or perhaps I am just entering into it.  I thoroughly am engrossed in the how abuse is spoken of, not spoken of, how it manifests in lives, how it is treated, how abused individuals act and how it is best to respond, etc.  

    Widening the circle of understanding the human psyche and how abuse impacts your living and the unconscious beliefs that stunt your growth and turns your life into an anomaly.

    I looked up the word, Anomaly…making sure I had the correct meaning.

    "Something that deviates from what is standard, normal, or expected."

    This anomaly…my father deviating from what is normal, then created in me the same.  I became an anomaly when I didn't act as expected or what is normal or standard.  Meaning, I didn't run screaming and report it.

    However, I do have this one memory that I did tell…well, I showed, my private parts to my mother in severe pain…And she deviated from what was standard, normal or expected.  Nothing was done.  She didn't leave my father or bring him to the court of the land.  When they didn't act as expected, I learned that in our home, our normal was to act different from the standards or what is expected.

    It wasn't that the child didn't act normal, she did, but she witnessed how abuse was dealt with, how others responded.  They didn't act like she did…while her alarm screamed in pain, they were the opposite.  No reaction.

    It is this non-reaction that we notice.  That it is our three alarm fire, not theirs.  We are acting incorrectly. When my mother didn't respond in kind, I had to as a child read the message that all was okay.  No reason for panic.  Settle down, it is all right.

    Her deviation from a standard mother's response, is all it took for me to take cues in how to react to abusive behavior…calmly as if it is okay…no more than a scrapped knee.  

    Her reactions programmed mine.

    This anomaly is the set point for our family…deviating from what is standard.