I M Perfect lady

Category: FALC

  • Standing on Nothing.

    I thought there was a strip of land between true and not true.   A place where folks could agree with me, but not like in total agreement.  Sorta like a path in the zoo, where you are not in the cage, but near it.  Still in the zone, but not totally committed.

    Yet as I was trying to write and figure out, are there really three places?  

    One being true,

    the other being not true,

    and then this spot in the middle between them. And if that was true, what is the middle spot called?

    Supposedly, we all know what is true and what is not true and yet more often than not, I find folks living as if the truth never happened.

    How is that possible? 

    All I can figure out is they live in the space between true and not true.

    Where they know what the truth is and what it would require….but are not willing to live there.  And they are not quite willing to be seen as totally nuts, as to believe what is not true, so they live in the space between.

    In this space between, it requires nothing.

    It demands nothing.

    It allows all things.

    You are not committed to the truth; in a cage of only one way…nor are you sitting with the unbelievers; you are strolling along a path that doesn't touch either side.

    However, what I have found is the truth is very rigid and tight.  It doesn't allow for leisurely space of indecision…or waffling. You are either with it or you are not.

    What I believe is that most folks don't want to openly admit they are against the truth…for that would be plain insane to say.

    Instead they tell themselves many things that circle the cage, but never enter it.

    Entering into the land of truth, starts an avalanche, where the land 'between' rapidly begins to slide out from beneath you…the comfortable path disappears, leaving you standing nowhere or… in the truth, the tight cage.

    While many want to believe that there is an honorable place to stand outside of truth, I myself have not found it.  

    In fact the only secure ground I found, was with the truth; all the rest was like a mirage.  

    This mirage is built when reality is too harsh to live.

    Yet it is a mirage…for when you get right up to it and look deeply, it all disappears…and reality rears its ugly head.

    So, while my true story of my childhood is not so easy to deal with, it is much easier than standing on a mirage.

    There is substance in reality.  

    I looked up the meaning of true.

    "Consistent with fact or reality; not false or erroneous."

    What I believe is that I have been consistent with reality and its facts. Reality and its facts doesn't allow for any wiggle room. It either is or it is not.  That is why I see the truth as being in a cage; confined to what is.

    It doesn't have the options of choice.

    I see myself now as a prisoner of the truth…where my choices are no longer a choice…I walk as it dictates.  

    Would this mean that if others see me with options, that they are not confined to the truth?  That they are living outside of its constraints…free to not follow the truth.

    Most often the discussion is not so much about what I am doing, but rather that I am choosing this option for me, what it is right for me…it feels right for me etc.

    When in actuality, what I am doing is just lining up with reality…it isn't about me, but about what is true.

    It is my dance partner; it leads and I follow.  Otherwise I am standing on nothing.





     






  • What is it Reflecting?

    In Oprah's magazine, she interviews Deepak Chopra and she asks, 

    Oprah: "What is that essence?  In every conversation I've had with housewives,in Mumbai, with middle-class people, upper-class, in the slums – everyone says there is an underlying consciousnes of karma.  That people believe in karma – that what you are putting out is going to come back. If I do something to you, the energy of it is going to come back to me in the future." 

    Deepak: " A child in India grows up with the idea that you have to make choices that will create a better future. In fact, your whole life is a continuum of choices, so the more conscious you are, the greater your life will be.  People live that yes."

    Oprah:  "That is the thing that impressed me the most.  People live it. They don't just talk it.  It is part of their actions..  Am I correct?"

    Deepak:  " You're absolutely correct.  In India you are taught that there are certain qualities that make you a divine human being.  These qualities are Joy.

    Oprah: "Joy!"

    Deepak: "Love."

    Oprah: "Love."

    Deepak: "Compassion, equanimity, truth, goodness, beauty and hamony.  And at the core of these are three words: Sat, chit, Ananda. Sat means "the truth", Chit means "consciousness" and Ananda means "Joy".  So if you are connected to truth and consciousness and joy, you're all set."

    In reading this, and looking back….what are the children of the FALC taught?

    And what are you teaching if you are not teaching the truth of your own childhood? How are you living life and what is it reflecting?


  • The pain between us.

    In writing the post for Mother's Day, I felt or seen the completed picture of what might have been, had I continued in being a 'kinder' daughter.  

    We think of the legacy of abuse as handing down repeated behaviors such as beating our children or sexually abusing them. We don't think of the legacy being unable to face the truth and the negative emotions from hurtful things traveling along and being handed to our children to feel.

    It is the feelings and emotions that get passed on.  The action is a byproduct.

    The legacy isn't the behavior, but the way you don't feel upward, but you can express downward.

    They pass you, you dont' feel them, but your children surely do.

    I don't know if I can articulate this in a way that those still not truly facing their own true stories can appreciate.  I totally get how harsh I was looked upon for standing up to my mother, but the alternative is that you unconsciously give your children all what you don't feel.

    Some think, that being kind to an abusive mother, will make them a kind person. Instead what happens is that you are only pretending to be kind, for inside of you is a very hurt child.  A hurt child forced to be kind. 

    I can totally feel the tight spot a child is put into.  Where morality, society and religion all are wanting you to honor thy mother, who beat you, who didn't protect you, etc, by being kind. And this kindness comes with a price you alone have to carry; being silent about how it made you feel.

    In order to do as society dictates, you have to lie to yourself.  So, you look good in society and are affirmed in religion, but have lost yourself.

    This weird place you asked to stand in is the road of pretending. And on this road, the true emotions will arise, just never directed in the right direction. Like a wild shooter, they never hit the correct mark, and instead land on the innocent.

    By focusing on my truths and the root cause, I was shut the gate downward towards my children and opened the gate that morality and religion had closed to me.

    The actions of my children never ever deserved the treatment they received.  Yet, the only avenue I had left open to me was them…until, I turned to the source and root of my pain.  My abuse in my childhood.

    Going against the moral codes of society and religion were not popular for me, but it was the only way to stop the legacy.  My truthful expressions being expressed to the parties who inflicted the damage had to happen. And, to be followed through with actions that represented my truth.  

    My mother wasn't able to see what she did to us, for she wasn't able to see and fully accept what happened to her as a child.  

    Just seeing clearly your past will clear up the dysfunction for your children. 

    The countless families of abuse within the FALC, blessing away the truth, is exactly what abuse needs.  To keep abuse alive and strong is to not see it.

    It has been said that I am totally mental for staring at abuse and not seeing the good that rode with it, but the good I had seen and paid attention to, it was the dark colors of abuse that got shoved so far back in the recesses of my mind, that I needed to address.

    Now I see the total picture. And in understanding how abuse is handed down, I can see how my parents treated us, had nothing to do with us, but said volumes about their childhoods.

    When parents who are unable to reconcile their own lives, unconsciously treat their child badly, it isn't because the child deserves it, asked for it, is bad, etc…it isn't about the child, IT is because the parent never healed their own childhood wounds.

    Healing them is seeing them, expressing them, dealing with them. And putting up boundaries towards the hurtful parent.

    Many think I am punishing my mother.  When in actuality, I know that my mother is hurting from her childhood and can't but help hurt me, for she hasn't been able to express her self upward.  I know she is doing this unconsciously. And I am able to spare her hurting one of her children by staying away.

    As a mother…I would want my children to get out of the way of me, IF I was hurting them unconsciously.  

    I can't change my mother, but I can stop her from hurting me, by stopping the relationship.  The only way she can continue to hurt me is for me to stay.

    My leaving stops the pain between us.


  • Just be Me.

    Last night I had my second class of Volunteer Training at Dial Help.  We went over different types of individuals who are part of the human population that have been labeled "different" and seem to be chosen unconsciously by the majority to be targeted, due to not being 'normal'.  

    Like there is the template of perfect and if you don't fit into the size, shape and color, then you are rejected.

    This is the Perfect shape we all believe is there, but it isn't who we are.  

    Some of us feel 'closer' to the model than others, but it seems that most folks are not allowed to be themselves, that they are expected to change to fit.  Fit into a slot that allows society to feel better…maybe even look better.

    This image society holds up…and we are all to contort ourselves to match.  Failing to do so, means you are the failure.  Not society.

    It really sat with me how backwards this all is. Where the image of what you must be, overrides who you are.

    Imagine a society that didn't want anything from you, but you. Where there is no mark to hit, no hole to fit into, but rather being different is being normal.

    I just felt how telling it is, about individuals that work so feverishly to be 'normal' and 'perfect' and how much lying this must entail.  How much effort it takes to pretend to be normal, to feel perfect, in order to slide under the marker called Perfectly Normal.

    This means reaching for a target, instead of Being you.

    Being you is not acceptable…or good enough.  We are taught to behave for society, but not behave as ourselves, or to live our truth, but to live how society deems it to be.

    Imagine… Being you is not enough.  You have to pretend to be something better than that.  How is that possible?  What does this do to you inside, to hide yourself…and pretend otherwise?

    When perfectly normal is considered normal, then if anything out of the ordinary happens, you must hide it. Push it aside and away OR you will be pushed aside and away.

    Real life is not allowed.

    Normal Society only accept you if you pretend to be that which you are not.

    There is no way the Majority of Society is normal…they are just pretending they are. 

    If the majority would stand in their imperfections, there would be no perfection to reach.  Normal then would be imperfect.

    And in an imperfect world, all individuals would be perfect…accepted for being truthful and not discarded because of it.

    Discarding perfectly normal, would free us all to be.  What I feel is the biggest Disease, is that we have moved that far from our own truths.  We did this to please an image, a church, a family… 

    That is the price we pay for not walking our truth.  

    In the FALC, there was no room for being you.  There was an image to aspire to, and all good christians worked to reach it. Conformity was applauded. We all had to look and act the same.  Control happened when we acquiesced.  It mattered not at what cost to the individual. The image of the FALC came first.  Same as with families…within the church. There is no room for imperfections in their perfect image.  Controlling the image, they control you.  If you don't measure up to the image, out you go.

    What is so tragic, is that those who dare walk their truth, are seen as anomalies…instead of the perfect human being, being themselves.

    I have lived both ways now…and noncomforming for society feels better within me. It was so hard to live trying to measure up to a moving target.  Perfect was never reachable, until I decided to just be Me.

    "I M Perfect, and it is impossible not to be."

     



  • Born to Cover it Up.

    A few months back I met with Detective Tom Rosemurgy, who suggested a meeting with a woman who works at Dial Help. She is the coordinator for Sexual Assault Serves…and the Volunteers.  All three of us met a few times, and our last meeting I met the Director, who suggested Volunteering.  Me, volunteering.  I said yes.

    Last night was our first class.  It is a small class, just two other women and me.  

    It will be very interesting to see how they approach victims in crisis, what technique is used etc.  The mission of Dial Help, is to help you help yourself.  Which I guess is the goal for all victims, to help themselves.

    We did role playing and it was very insightful how each of us approached the task of listening and then helping.  We did much better on the second round…and we have 26 more hours to go, plus a full day of sexual assault training.  

    Just so interesting in how we are taught to converse.

    What this will give me is the background and to see victims from both sides and to see what is helpful and what is not.  

    In fact, in each role playing scenario, we had to comment on what was helpful and then what was not, and then an overall discussion.

     "I have found it of enormous value when I can permit myself to understand another person."  Carl Rogers 

    This is quote was in our training materials and I love that we need to permit ourselves to understand someone else.  

    What a concept.

    I am finding it very interesting how they approach folks who call in crisis, who are seeking to be understood, and perhaps to even begin to begin in understanding themselves…and where they are or what circumstances they find themselves standing in.

    To me, unless you can see that you are in a mess, there is no mess to understand…or mess to work your way through. And if you keep telling yourself that all is okay, that nothing is wrong, to lay a positive overlay, you will never fully understand yourself.

    And without knowing yourself, you will unknowingly find yourself in crisis.  For, It is my humble opinion, after one class, that most crisis are years in the making….one choice after another, made without consulting you.

    I lived for years without ever truly listening to myself, my guts, my feelings and what I needed.  I understood my dysfunctional self, my co-dependency, but the real me was a stranger to myself.  

    I understood what I needed to do for others to keep relationships going…this me I knew very well.  She lived to support other lives.  

    Here is what Mark Nepo wrote today, that echos this.

    "I began, like so many of us, in a household where it was somehow my job to be the lightening rod for the family's tensions of unexpressed emotion.  In this way, I learned to be a problem solver, a rescuer, a caretaker. Through two marriages and countless friendships, I loved by taking on the clouded emotions of those I loved."

    "The tensions of other people's unexpressed emotions kept me from feeling my own depth and clarity.  My life became one of turbulence, always struggling to keep my head above the cloudy surface."  Mark Nepo

    This was me to a T.  I don't even believe my head ever cleared the muddy waters until my father was exposed for sexual assault.

    Imagine the unexpressed emotions that lived in my father's house?  And then feel the weight of all it. 

    I recall one night in particular, where I felt the full weight of these emotions, the enormous volume of how big this mess had actually grown over the span of my fathers unchecked abuse…and it was that night I let it all go.  Releasing me from 'fixing' or carrying it anymore.   I laid in my bed crying huge wracking sobs…giving up, feeling I was much to little for such a big task.

    It was in knowing that I couldn't solve it, that freed me.

    There was just way too many girls and their lives and their children's lives….that had been affected by this one man, and I wasn't big enough to be lightning rod to absorb it all. It was all I could do to feel my own emotions. 

    It took something this big to collapse my role of emotional absorber for the family.  

    While it felt like I had completely broken down, what actually happened, was the dysfunctional part of me broke…leaving in its place the space for me.

    A me I had never been with, alone.

    It was the second birth of me.

    I could see clearly me…and I could see clearly where I had come from.  

    And I also knew, immediately, that the me who lived for my first 46 years was not the real me, but an impostor, a survival girl, but she was not me.  She was a role I played to keep the abuse a secret…even from myself.

    Once the truth was out, there was no need for survival girl to live.

    This was in the days, where I walked each morning, for my emotions at times were too big for our house. On this particular day, I said good bye to my survivor girl. To the girl who tried to make right, that which was so not right. For the one who carried the weight of it all on her shoulders.  I cried for how in vain it all had been.  How insane it all had been…and then I told her to rest in peace.  It was never her job in the first place…It was a mess that she didn't create and it wasn't her job to fix it.

    I recall feeling such peace in letting her go. For her life was hard…and it never seemed to bear the fruit she planted.

    I also felt such peace at beginning a new life based on me.

    It wasn't that the crisis went away, but my responsibility for others died that day…and what was born was a girl who had to walk through all parts of her life and make adjustments based on her feelings and what was true for her.

    It wasn't an overnight sensation…it is 7 years and counting.

    I woke up in a life that I created to survive abuse, but not to face it.

    Once I faced abuse, there really was no need for this pretend self.

    My pretending self is truly the only thing that died. The one who wanted things to look better, feel better, be better, than what they actually were.  She lived to lie.

    She had to lie so I could survive.

    Without her lies, I would have known that I lived in a home with a pedophile and his wife who couldn't see what he was doing.  I would have been aware, but too little to move out.  

    The mind protected me by building up a pretend self and life.

    I can fully understand so many whose lives seem to be clearly lives of abuse, and how they are unable to see. Their pretender sees life for them.  Their survivor self was literally made to not see the truth.

    You don't even know you have a pretender self, until that which it is covering up gets exposed.  

    The survivor self  then doesn't know what its tasks are any more.  For it has no duties with the truth. 

    It was born to cover it up.  



  • When you have no choice.

    There is a gigantic system that some want to overlook when we see grown adults too afraid to make changes in their lives…the affects of being born into a cult and or an abusive family within a cult.  

    There isn't a normal choice button offered to us…it is removed very early on.  We are unable to make a change without there being drastic consequence.  In fact, the reason we let our choice button get removed, is that we didn't want the coldness, so we capitulated.  We wanted to be loved and accepted, so hence we followed along.

    Now, in order to not be a follower and to stand on your own, you will suffer the consequences you didn't want to suffer as a child.  

    In my experience, you remain silent and submissive, so as to not experience what you know awaits you if you change courses.  Out of fear, you remain the same.  

    It isn't a choice with equal consequences on each side. But one is going to go better for you than the other. 

    Neutral consequences is what is lacking.  It should be about what you want, and not what will happen if you make a certain choice.  This is where the freedom to be silent is removed, and in its place is a burden to bear.

    It is the weight of what it will cost to say what you need to say, that sits with me. 

    We are fooling ourselves and discounting the position they are stuck in, by overlooking this.

    It isn't about the silence or speaking at all…it what sits on the scales with them.

    Which is total manipulation and control.

    Children are groomed to do what others need in order to spare themselves the pain of going against them.

    This part of abuse, I overlooked.  

    Even though I lived it…my life reflects this consequence.

    I totally get and fully understand the fear, for intuitively each person knows what happens if you cross the line.  To overlook this part is to not fully see the whole part of why many give up their power, their lives and their free choices.

    They do so to be loved.  And I would challenge is it love?  My new definition of love is freedom.  If you are not free to speak, free to move, free to be….it isn't love.

    Abuse is when you have no choice.




  • Love doesn’t require Silence.

    When I thought more about being silent/anonymous out of fear…it is more like being afraid to talk, and not afraid to be silent.  

    They are actually safer in the silence than they would be speaking up. It is self protection to remain quiet.  And are only quiet about 'certain' issues.  We all know which topics are non-negotiable.  In each family and in the FALC, we know the cost of stepping out of bounds, and we know in abusive families, silence is what keeps the family together. 

     We can debate about silence and its merits…but I am talking about a group, of what I call, repressed individuals. People who have been raised not to have free access to their minds, their actions and certainly not to be able to freely express ideas that oppose the Church and family.  

    Just being born into the FALC…without ever living outside of its doctrine, has you at a disadvantage.  You are taught to be subordinate; less than.  And controlled by using the Fear of God's wrath and Hell. You are submissive out of fear.  Just as I believe they are now silent out of fear…but this time the fear from the inside or the fear of how their families will react.

    It seems fear is and has been a companion all along.  Fear of God and Hell….to fear of shunning.  And you will pay a price to speak out about family abuse as well.

    Again, we can focus on the silence and dismiss the fear.  But, I feel fear is the key component that keeps victims silent.  

    I know for fact, that there are people out there who will not even dare comment on my blog…or press "Like" on facebook…to be associated with me, like I am the devil incarnated for speaking up…and if they did, it would mean they too may hold similar views.  And they are not willing or able or ready to fully say how they feel etc.

    I am doing their greatest nightmare…using my name and telling it like it is.  I am also living the consequences they fear. Being an outsider in the family.  This the fear that keeps them silent. They are not silent for any other reason, it isn't pride or out of love…Love doesn't require silence.


  • Silence, when it isn’t a free choice, is abuse.

    I was reminded last night, that remaining silent is abuse…when you are afraid to speak.  Silence for the sake of silence isn't a bad thing, but it changes drastically if you are silent out of fear.

    Fear of being punished.

    Fear of not being believed.

    Fear of the indifference, once you dare to speak.

    Fear of telling is the second hit of abuse.

    I hadn't considered that their silence out of fear, is like still being abuse;  by not being able to talk free…means that you are still being abused.

    Each body, each mind, each heart and soul has the right to express itself…and if you are afraid of the repercussions…you are not free.

    Not being free, means someone is controlling you. Your fear is a clear sign.

    And I bet, it isn't that you are afraid of yourself, but afraid for yourself. Afraid at what actions will happen, how you will be treated etc. Your life will change when you walk through the fear and start speaking. But, I am here to tell you, it will change for the good.  

    You will be free from abuse.

    I failed to notice, that the silence was a clear sign, that the abuse wasn't over.  

    For all who are speaking out anonymously…it is a beginning.  One day, you will add your own name…and when you do, the steel grip it has on you will start to weaken and you will find more strength in speaking than you ever found in silence.

    Silence when it isn't a free choice, is abuse.


  • The Story of Becoming Me

    In reading the comments on the Extoots Blog, I marvel at the secrecy and how they hide their identities…while commenting freely about their religion; either why they stay or why they left.

    It is like they are talking about a government that will harm them IF they are found to be in noncompliance…or plotting to leave is punishable.  

    How is this a free religion when fear is so instilled in grown adults…where they are able to vote, drive and drink…but God forbid they speak up about a religion, so they leave their names out.

    It continues to shock me….but not surprise me. 

    Fear is what keeps them hiding their true identity….like criminals almost.  Or folks on TV, who, out of fear, distort their images and voices.  

    Isn't it odd that fear is the overlying sentiment and not enthusiasm for finding a new pathway, a truer life for themselves…or being so happy within their religion.

    I can respect their wishes, but if they only knew how self defeating it is to hide their truths.  

    By standing up and saying their names and standing with the truth of why they left or why they remain inside is very powerful.  

    It isn't about the religion itself, but the power of being proud of who you are.

    I don't know if it is like this when you leave all churches, but it sure seems that there are many people who are not willing to openly admit that they are no longer members of the FALC church and why….let alone speak it using their real names.

    However, I recall knowing I no longer matched the religion and wondered how I would tell my mother, how I would leave and what it would mean to my children to stop going. Funny, but sad…the reasons had nothing to do about me, but more to do about the folks around me.

    Once the investigation about my father happened, the door swung open easily…I didn't stay for others, I left for me.

    I didn't hesitate.  I didn't hide.  I left with the fullest of understanding, what I was leaving…even if I had no idea where I was going or where I would end up.  It didn't matter what others thought or said.  I followed my inner voice, my guts, my feelings and never, not once, have ever looked back with regret.

    How can I regret being Me?  

    How can I regret my truth?

    What I know for sure, is that you can't know what freedom is, until you have experienced being controlled.

    You could say, that religion brought me to freedom. 

    Just as living in a dysfunctional family brought me to know what love and wholeness was…I had to first learn what it was not.  

    Loving that I don't have to live anonymously!  I love that I get to live fully exposed as Me!  There is no part of me I want to hide…

    IMG_3173
    Part of My Story Line Quilts….the story of becoming Me!

  • Will Bring in Awareness

     " Most of us avoid confronting ourselves"  Deepak Chopra

    What a profound statement.  Most of us live our whole lives confronting others and never turn our scrutiny on ourselves; to see how our actions are impacting the world. It is so much easier to criticize others and attack what they are doing wrong, compared to looking straight at your self.

    I had lived 46 years without looking at myself.  Incredible as it may seem, I never, or at least seldom, considered changing myself, but I fully expected the world to change to suit me.  

    In coming face to face with myself and all my actions, be them passively sitting in the midst of a dysfunctional family…or staunchly supporting a cult like religion, I never ever confronted me.

    What does it mean to confront yourself?  And how would it be if the world stopped looking outward, but began looking inward?  

    Imagine if in each situation, we all turned inward to see what we were up to…what is our intention, our fears, our concerns and expectations….and to challenge ourselves to deliver that to ourselves, releasing all others from serving you

    I am very much intent on NoT avoiding me….but in confronting all of my actions, thoughts and beliefs…. 

    Mark Nepo writes…

    "Live in your hands and your mind will learn how to bow like a root."  

    "Several years ago, while doing a poetry reading in New York City, I encountered an angry man who had just seen a woman get mugged.  He was so enraged he wrote a poem on the spot.  A pensive voice from across the room called out, "Yeah, it sure beats stopping the mugging."  I felt there was nothing left to say.  The story points up, painfully, how living in our thoughts removes us from the very real journey of being alive.  To always analyze and problem solve and observe and criticize what we encounter turns our brains into heavy calluses.  Rather than opening us deeper into the mystery of living, the over-trained intellect becomes a buffer from experience."  Mark Nepo

    I loved reading both of this….confronting what your hands are doing is exactly the answer to all life's big questions and then working to find out why.  Confront yourself will bring in awareness.