I M Perfect lady

Category: FALC

  • A New You.

    From Mark Nepo's "Book of Awakening", he writes.

    " There is very little difference between burying and planting. For often, we need to put dead things to rest, so that new life can grow.  And further, the thing put to rest – whether it be a loved one, a dream, or a false way of seeing – becomes the fertilizer for the life about to form.  As the well-used thing joins with the earth, the old love fertilizes the new; the broken dream fertilizes the dream yet conceived; the painful way of being that strapped us to the world fertilizes the freer inner stance about to unfold."

    "This is very helpful when considering the many forms of self we inhabit over a lifetime.  One self carries us to the extent of its usefulness and dies.  We are then forced to put that once beloved skin to rest, to join it wit the ground of spirit from which it came, so it may fertilize the next skin of self that will carry us into tomorrow."

    "There is always grief for what is lost and always surprise at what is to be born.  But much of our pain in living comes from wearing dead and useless skin, refusing to put it to rest, or from burying such things with the intent of hiding them rather than relinquishing them."

    "For every new way of being, there is a failed attempt mulching beneath the tongue. For every sprig that breaks surface, there is an old stick stirring underground. For every moment of joy sprouting, there is a new moment of struggle taking root."

    "We live, embrace, and put to rest our dearest things, including how we see ourselves, so we can resurrect our lives anew."  Mark Nepo

    I love the way he looks at things….in how we have to put things to rest, to realize when it is over and not drag dead things along with us in our present.

    And it is from the things that die that there is space for new things to grow.  

    I love too, that burying and planting look the same.  The difference is in the expectations…of sitting and waiting for the new to come forth OR lamenting over what you have lost and buried.

    If you can remain with the energy of planting and knowing new things will sprout given time…your expectations and intentions will come to life.  

    In my experience, if I had not let go and buried my dysfunctional way of life, a new and different healing way of life would not have grown.

    Buring and Planting look the same…it is all in how we view things.

    I was planting a future filled with love, peace and joy…a gardener and not a grave digger mourning over what I had lost.  

    Plant the things that no longer serve you…with the expectations to see flower A New You!


  • Truth was the courage I clung to.

    I would have a hard time remembering me being in the dark about abuse…of not even considering it or being drawn into conversations about victims of childhood sexual abuse.  That me seems so far back there, like way way way back, a woman I barely can recall.

    When I saw  a woman last week and heard her speak in fear of speaking out…it took me a few days to remember, that I once was her.  I forgot the trembling nerves to even begin to begin saying out loud and taking actions about abuse.  How the language was so foreign, and the feelings and emotions feeling like mountains that seemed to crush my breath.  To feel the slippery slope of my life sliding in the direction I didn't want to go, but had no way of stopping…taking me with it very reluctantly for there was nothing to hold on to…air and a bottomless space was all that was there.

    I didn't see me in her…I expected instead for me to be in her.  Which is impossible, without her walking any of my steps.  I didn't see her at all.  I talked to her without taking into consideration she was just moving into the swirling waters of coming to terms with the affects of abuse and its long reaching fingers.  

    I heard Ram Dass speaking to Oprah today, and the way he sees folks now, is that they are all in various carnations.  That there is a soulful reason for the life we are living that is beyond our roles.  That we are here to learn and grow our souls.

    Very intriguing to look at life from the angle of the soul, instead of how we typically see life is from our roles.  

    The more horrific the life; a Master is being born.

    I can see that there are various soul ages…for some are just beginning to awaken to the life beyond what is routinely paid attention to; the body, the mind and ego…our ages, friends and hobbies.

    There is a collection of us who are finding a deeper level to living here…one where awareness broadens and we begin to see more and more.

    When I was less aware…the truth could slip by in broad day light and I would not see it.  It was always there, but I had my attention else where.

    As I visited with this woman, I could see that her awareness was being drawn to the truth…and there wasn't anything she could do to stop it…and it frightened her and she didn't have experience joining it in words and actions; like a frightened child with no tools in her toolbox.

    It gave me the perspective I needed and she helped me recognize me just a few years back…and in doing so gave me empathy in seeing her as her….and me as me.

    She has been in my thoughts….it was like spending time with my younger self.

    Empathy is seeing yourself in others…and wondering what would my younger self need to know most?

    And thinking of this…I think she was given all the help she needed to begin her journey towards truth.  Truth!  Truth was the courage I clung to.

     

  • A Journal to take Home

    Last week when I sat by the Detective and asked him how things were going….he said, "I have two adolescent boys (who are talking to him about their sexual abuse) and I don't have nothing to give them….I am not sure about a journal, but I do wish I had something. And I surely can't give them the ones with the Lady on the front," he said with a smile and wistfulness. I said, "Let me ponder this and see what I can do."  

    I mentioned this conversation to my brother Carl (who was abused as a young boy) and he said he thought they would use a journal…he mainly didn't want them being overlooked.  He and I both felt it would be nice if Tom had a boy journal to offer.

    I found two smaller sketch journals as well as two black lined journals that I covered.  This was a stretch for me to make "boy" looking ones….or at least non feminine looking, yet still artful….a place to put such sacred truths.

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    Above are the four I made this morning.  I wrote "Me, Mine, Love Truth, and I M Perfect" in the quilting.  I wanted to impart ownership as well as words that will reflect the essence of them speaking out.  

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    I am in awe of such young brave boys…and even if they don't choose to take one, the idea will have been planted…to write.  It gives me hope that boys are now willing to speak up so they can be healed…to shatter the secret and open themselves up to living life in full disclosure.  Even if they never write, just having the ear of Tom Rosemurgy is huge.  He is such a kind soul.  And I want to help Tom as he helps them.

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    May these journals find the right hands to hold them…and be a place to store the tragic truths of abuse.  Writing it down on paper, released the overwhelming emotions that swirled inside.  It was a place to go and talk…and cry.  A tool I used to find a clear mind.  May the children who pass through Tom's office shorten their pathway to healing…just by finding such a caring man…and a journal to take home.

  • Robot Will Implode

    On the Extoots blog…http://extoots.blogspot.com was a comment that struck me  "Even though I can't, as an "ex," speak on behalf of Laestadians, let me say that I am so sorry for the pain the church has caused our gay sisters and brothers. So sorry."   

    This started me thinking of all the people that I wrote off or ignored due to the preconceived idea that was planted into me.  This preconception dictated how I would act.  Like a robot, a good christian robot…I operated remotely, without taking into consideration the feelings of those who I would have no contact with.

    I am sorry for the ones I ignored and thought less of or didn't even think about or wonder how it felt to be you…while I righteously marched on with my Beliefs.

    What is even more intriguing to me, is the amount of times I didn't obey and befriended folks not from church and how I felt like I was letting someone down, misbehaving or being a 'poor christian', for I wasn't able to keep the 'devil' at arms length.

    It seems I couldn't win for losing!

    Now, being on the outside, no longer a robot, I have heard many mothers whose children have been dissed and how awful the little child feels and how she can't understand why certain children will not play with them.  The dissed child takes this very personally.

    And the child who has been told NOT to play with certain children is being taught to be racist and gets labeled "good christian" for doing this.

    Looking back on my life, I have had friends from many different walks of life, I wasn't so good at doing the 'only kids from the church rule'.  I would forget the rules and be friends…and most often religion wasn't even brought up.  We were just kids exploring friendships.

    If you sit and really think of all the wonderful people who get shoved aside due to this rule, and how it feels to be shunned due to your choice of religion, it does seem like our church too, owes many an apology.

    How many little children were made to feel less than, in order for a christian child to be faithful to their belief?  How is it right that one has to suffer in order for another to make it to Heaven?  It has a flavor of abuse…in its connotation.

    What does this alone teach the children…on both sides?

    I did not due well in teaching this either… I allowed my children to make friends that they clicked with and allowed them to disengage when something made them no longer get along. I gave them the freedom to feel their way in and out of friendships.  Again, feeling less of a christian for doing this, for not following the rules of the church and keeping not only my friends totally FALC, but those of my children as well.

    Also, one of the factors that stood in the way of 'total FALC climate' was the fact that I married a man who was not from church.  Again, I had broken the rule and followed my feelings.

    What was considered a 'bad' person, is a very loving man…a man who doesn't follow any religion, but lives as himself.

    We never discussed religion.  I never tried to 'convert' him.  And convert him into what?  And he never tried to change me.  We were respectfully our own selves.

    While our union was seen as 'wrong' in the eyes of the church, it taught me that goodness isn't a religion, but rather how a man lives.

    His word is his word.  He does what he says he is going to do.  Nothing stands between him and his feelings…there is no church thinking for him, he makes decisions based upon how he feels, what his life experiences have taught him.  He has no filter that will keep certain folks out of his life…yet he does have boundaries, but they are based upon his own morals and values. Not dictated to him by a church board.

    Thankfully, our family home took on more of his way of life than that of the church. 

    Who knew that one day, I would see that my weakness as a blessing in disguise!

    I wasn't a person to be totally brainwashed….I had a few free cells.

    And those few cells were enough to raise my awareness… this small crack was all that was needed for the truth to push into.

    It is my hope that each person has a crack, a weakness…and at some point the truth will wiggle its way in…and the FALC robot will implode.


  • Blessed this Activity.

    While talking to my brother in the past few days, he made a comment that stuck with me… it was something like, "If parents knew that a school system had a dozen or more pedophiles within its walls, no one would allow their children to attend. Yet the parents of the FALC, are allowing their children to enter into Church and Sunday school without a thought to do otherwise…and to visit each others home unrestrained…due to the simple fact, they are of the same faith."

    My experience of the parents within the FALC, is that many of them are very strict in who their children play with "outside" of the religion and keep close monitors on what they read and see….AND yet, reports of child abuse within the hallowed walls of the Church goes without a wiggle by the parents.

    Their lack of inner scrutiny within their circle of family and friends, leaves the door wide open for the pedophiles to do that which they do.  It is the pure trust and naive belief, that all christians are 'good' people.

    We were taught and made to feel, that all within the religion were 'safe'.

    Me saying that I have given 12 names to the Detective of Houghton County of members of the FALC, mean nothing.  No one has called in panic, wondering IS it my friend, is it my neighbor, is it my family member.  Silence.

    Imagine the outpouring of indignation, IF this number was in a school system in our area….or perhaps not 12, but even one???

    What outcry would erupt and what condemnation would ensue?  But bring up the same about the folks of the FALC, and no response.  Be it minister or board members acting out in sexual abuse and no response by the folks in the pews.  No movement of outrage or "pulling their children" out of the system.  None…that I have heard of…anyway.

    Oh, and the names that I have stumbled upon is without there being an 'investigation' but just by speaking to past and current members of the church.  Imagine if you will, there being a full scale criminal investigation upon this matter?

    It just blows my mind…you would think that the church would be empty each Sunday…instead parents continue to deliver their children there by the van loads. 

    Why???

    Why are they not concerned about the children???

    Why do they not respond within the church about protecting their children, when they do so on the outside?  I have seen members of the FALC, within the schools "Opting Out" of movies, books and field-trips, that would 'negatively' harm their children…and these same parents blindly and without question do nothing about the 'reports' and talk of abuse by fellow church members.

    The juxtaposition of their 'caring' is absolutely insane.

    It seems that there is a huge blind spot and this long held belief, that ALL evil is outside of the religion…and they refuse or are incapable of making a move against their religion.  And while this sentiment lies secure within the parents, the children will continue to be put in harms way.

    Imagine, just having parents who are members of this church will almost guarantee you will be abused.  I say this, for 45 years ago in my neighborhood, abuse ran rampant between the FALC homes…and not one parent made the move to report their church member to the police.  Not one family removed their children from the church or neighborhood.  And all, if not most, of the neighborhood children suffered abuse.  

    And is this still true today, 45 years later?  

    Is there an outcry and outrage within the church, that abuse must stop?

    Is the church empty like a Monday morning church?

    Or is it christianity as usual.  For what I have experienced is that IF you bring up a church member, the eyelids shut, the ears turn off, and indifference arises.

    It is like they have been trained to NOT respond. 

    You can not get them to move and become activated and these are the same staunch unmovable folks we see in the schools.  Honest.  I have been on the school board, and you would think, that their children are so protected, that by watching a movie based on a book,it would corrupt their fragile minds.  

    And yet, tell these same parents about abuse within the church and they remain unmoved.  It leaves you wordless.

    This is my mother. She was so righteously critical of TV, Movies, nail polish, earrings and 'evil' influences…while being married to a pedophile.   

    Trying to reason with such unreasonable beliefs….bends your mind.  Surely my sense of self would not have so tragically affected by wearing earrings as it was by me being abused…or my fingernails painted a pretty pink.  How to wiggle into these twisted minds and pierce a part that will awaken them to their own insanity, truly leaves me perplexed.

    How to convince them they see evil in very benign things and then not see evil where it truly lives…it lurks not outside of the church or in some case outside of the family, but it is what you have known and trusted all along.  

    Evil doesn't live in nail polish or earrings. These are not the devils of the world…the devil is inside of your congregation.  It has always been there, so you can't see it.  It isn't different or strange…it has blended in perfectly.

    Chances are the pedophile was abused as childhood church member….and now is an adult church member, passing on what he learned within the churches families.

    You will not be able to spot 'odd' behavior, for he is acting as he has always acted. You all are familiar with the familiar, so you can't see unusual.  It is like you were born and raised in midst of a pedophiles nest….born in captivity and given the rules as to how to behave….they have you all convinced Evil lives outside…which has given them free reign inside.  While you are intent and vigilant to keep the children free of nail polish and earrings….they are abusing them.

    Somehow the sins of abuse is not addressed, ever.  No movement is made when a family is known to have these issues.  Imagine, though, If a family was handing out nail polish to all young kids or piercing their ears at sleep overs??? Oh My God, they would be quickly dealt with.

    The greatest destroyer of your children's lives…is abuse, and this is not addressed and removed from your church.  Why???

    The numbers are increasing at such an alarming rate….and no response, but singing in church.  What sits with me the most is your indifference.  It is like you all have blessed this activity.  



  • Loving Action Towards Family

    I took a break from yoga this morning and instead sipped tea by the fireplace, listened to the birds outside, with a heat pack on my legs.  

    Being part of Taking Back the Night panel, brought up old emotions and feelings and my body responds…it feels once again the essence of abuse; the fear of breaking the silence along with the frustration of not being heard…of finding the correct message that will pierce the inertia.

    What will it take to get those who know but are frozen… unable to move?  Can I speak clear and articulately?  Can my voice be a representation of victims who are not able to sit in public breaking their silence?  

    It isn't like I have been voted to represent all victims; but sitting on stage as the only victim I slide into that position.  I speak for the child…I feel as the child….yet with a voice that uses big words, and impacting metaphors….but is it enough?

    The pattern has been broken for me…my silence is a thing of the past.  I am doing what hasn't been done in my family before, I stood up and walked out.  Not because I didn't love them, but because I did.

    One of my brothers asked me, "Why do you seem to want to help all other  victims, but not any of my daughters?"  This question came after years of silence between us.  He also stated, "Do you think this is how she thought it would end? Do you think she would have come forward if she knew her father's family would be torn apart stitch by stitch? I think she just wanted him to stop."

    How do you make a molester stop?  Can you?  Is it possible to keep the family intact, completely and have a new healing way?  

    What I feel most, is that the family Unit becomes the sacred cow….and abuse is secondary.  Decisions will be made to impact lightly the family which leaves abuse a wide berth to park itself into.

    What I have seen is that most want to deal with abuse as a side job, but not the main event.  The main event is to keep the family humming along like the past…remaining unchanged.  Impossible.

    IF, this was possible, the third generation of children would not be at risk by my father.

    In my experience, in order to ensure that you are not repeating the same pattern, YOU have to act differently, your choices must reflect a change and your actions will no longer be the same…otherwise, you are still in the exact same environment that the abuse occurred in.  If you work like hell to keep it all the same, the same will happen again.

    Perhaps not to your daughter, but to someone Else.

    While I have been cast out as mental and cold, bitter and certainly 'not healed'….I believe that my radical actions are the only defense against abuse within the family unit.

    My mother tried to keep the family stitched together, to be vigilant, to be forgiving, to focus up ahead in the future, to not look back…..and in doing so, more and more victims littered the roadway of my father's life.

    How is my response seen as negative. That I am not a hero and instead the cold hearted bitch who is 'refusing to be part of the family'?  

    How do you all expect to have little children come forth and speak up about abuse, IF my treatment will be theirs?  

    Our 'best' efforts got us to this point….where my father's reign has gone on for 40 years and counting….yes counting.  He is allowed access to his Great Granddaughter.  For Family comes before abuse.

    It is kind to keep family first.

    Is it?

    Let us see.  

    What I know for certain, is that my pathway is empty of family cheerleaders, but one.

    Out of a family of 14 children, one claps as I walk on.

    Unless we do a 360 in the way we treat those who stand up and walk out of families of abuse, Abuse will destroy our families from the inside out.  

    The brother doesn't see my actions as being beneficial to family….they are not.  But, they certainly create a harsh environment for abuse to flourish.

    Being the oldest sister and one of Ray Huhta's first victims…I was challenged and berated for not stopping this in my youth, for not breaking the silence then…or in the years intervening…and yet when I do so….How is it received?  

    We keep putting the total weight of ending the cycle of abuse upon the victims….while bystanders seems to counter act our actions.  

    In the score board of help Ray Huhta received compared to what I have….there is no contest. Abuse wins hands down.

    It could drop me to the ground If I would fully bring in the vast emptiness of family support.

    When a family is infested with abuse, you can't save family without saving abuse too.

    Impossible.

    Abuses greatest weapon is kindness and softness and allegiance to family…it wins when the sacredness of family is focused on.  Abuse rides along unscathed.

    Abuse isn't an item that you can put on a shelf or discard….it is in the fabric of the folks that make up the family.  In order to stop abuse, you, each member of the family has to remove abuse from their lives.  

    Your actions and words and deeds have to reflect this.  It isn't a belief, a thought or an understanding.  

    Each of our lives will either tolerate abusive behaviors or not….

    Family isn't a place, it is how we treat each other.

    No longer tolerating abuse is a loving action towards family.

  • The Sturdy Wall of Doing Nothing!

    The first "Take Back the Night" event happened. The panel arrived and spoke…into a very sparse audience.  However, the newspaper and TV reporters were there taking notes and filming…so the reach was further than the four walls.  

    Each sharing held a part of a long journey of abuse, from the nurse who collects forensic evidence, to the Dial Help person who speaks in the schools, to a woman in charge of a new women's shelter….the detective and then me.  All of us brought together for one common goal, to help victims of sexual abuse.

    Our viewpoints vary, our expertise diverse, and our messages and intents sincere, hoping to light a spark within, to Shatter the Silence and begin the journey of breaking the pattern of abuse.

    If one person changes the way they respond to sexual abuse, our night was a success. 

    The common theme is often, "I don't know what to do….I am not sure IF he is an abuser or I don't know what to say to the family I suspect abuse is going in…." are perfect responses. No one knows for certain what should be done, what is the right path, BUT what we all know for certain, doing nothing will stop nothing.

    You don't have to be articulate, educated and have a plan in hand….but you do have to be willing to stick your neck out, to stand up and take the heat to spare a child.  One panelist spoke of peer pressure or bystander accountability. 

    We as adults are very much accountable for what we do and say….or perhaps don't do and not say.  No one wants to 'color' the pedophile wrongly….or they don't know what to say to the wife of a perp….or how to approach the children or extended family.  

    The subject of abuse is not one that is spoken out loud.  And while we remain Unsure, the pedophiles remain very sure and confident of their mission….and the children's lives swing in the balance.

    I for one, am not willing to excuse adult's behavior of "doing nothing" because they don't know what to do.

    Dial Help.  Call Tom Rosemurgy….their jobs are to help you help the children.  You don't have to know what to do, but you do have to let those who can help know.

    You know how to dial a phone.  You know how to talk.  You can state your fears, your suspicions….what the talk around the neighborhood is.  If you know and don't make the call, you are standing on the side of abuse…..not against it.

    I didn't arrive last night to sit on the panel with a volume of "knowing what to do"…but I did come with piles of information on what happens when you do nothing.  I am the result.  My family is the picture perfect example of 40 plus years of folks knowing and doing nothing.

    The pattern of Not calling the detectives or Dial help has to be broken.  Their lines should be inundated with calls and pleas of help.  I know that there are folks who know, but don't know what to do.

    I am here to tell you, you call.  That is the first step to break out of the pattern of abuse. YOU call and ask for Help.  

    I am here too.  I will walk with you.  I will do what I can to help you to begin the process of exposing the monsters who are preying upon the children.  The children are waiting for someone to break the silence…will it be you?  And if not you who?  

    All of the panelists are waiting ready to serve….we are not expecting you to walk alone. We all arrived there last tonight to hold your hand.  Reach out and we will be there.  This is the job of a community, of many hands and avenues of expertise….no one is expected to do this alone.  By making one call, you will enter into a vast community of folks who know what to do….you are not alone.  Break the silence and you will find folks who can help.  

    The steps towards healing and standing against abuse is to be the one to dare shatter the silence!  Children are suffering behind the sturdy wall of doing nothing. 


  • The Part of Us That Never Dies.

    I have experienced two different viewpoints of Jesus, one where Jesus died to save me and one as an example of being one with God.  

    I no longer believe he died to prevent me from hell, that he will carry my worst behavior and sins, so I could ride on his coat tails and enter into Heaven, sin free as he is loaded down with my sins.

    I see Jesus's life much differently now.  I see him as an example of the highest level of consciousness, the ultimate in living as one with God.  I see him living his life totally connected to a higher power.

    Easter feels more about his death…and how folks will gain by this loss.  It just seems odd to me.  I never liked that he had to die to save me, it never felt fair or right…and it left me powerless.  

    My perceptions have certainly changed and as they changed, so did my holidays.

    It is like they focus on his birth and his death, but in-between where he lived is not celebrated.  The focus isn't on the middle journey where he lived…

    I am not a reader of the bible and now a self proclaimed no religion girl, but I do have a greater appreciation for Jesus and God now than I ever did.  I now have experienced first hand the miracles and oneness with God.  I get it.  It is personal, and you don't put any gods before Me.

    I love that no one has to suffer for me to get to Heaven…no one needs to carry my bad behaviors and sins, that they are mine to work through and bear the consequences.  My life is between me and God…no one has to carry the dark parts of me.

    And the dark parts are the places where I forgot who I was, where I became disconnected from the Source.  It was where I lost my way, but I was not lost…I just didn't see the Source.

    I don't know what to do with Easter, but to be with this day as it is.  To do as I do any other day…be me.  Go with the flow.  This day is no more meaningful or less meaningful.  All days arrive brand new.

    It is what you bring to each day that colors them for you.

    We color Easter, we color Jesus, we color God; we color by how we feel inside…by how we see ourselves, that is how we see God.

    I see all the colored Easter eggs as the many different viewpoints of God and Jesus.  How each of us get to have a personal relationship.

    The difference between my old relationship of worthlessness and the one I have now is vast.  One is to be empty and the other full…one lost and one found…one separated and one connected.  One living in fear and one in love.

    The two Easters on my journey…One with feelings of unworthiness and the other, a perfect child of God.  

    Religions seem to vacillate between the two poles…in order to keep religion alive, there needs to be sin and a savior…a death and a resurrection. 

    What if we live from the part of us that never dies…

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • A spiritual experience for me.

    "We often underestimate the power of giving voice, but it is real and sustaining.  It is the basis of all song.  It is why prisoners break into song.  It is why the blues are sung, even when no one is listening.  It is at the heart of all hymns and mantras."

    "And it works its healing not so much by being heard as by the fact that in giving voice to what lives within, even through the softest whisper, we allow the world of spirit to soften our pain.  In this way, the smallest moan is in itself a lullaby. In giving voice to what we feel, the darkest cry uttered with honesty can arrive as the holiest of songs."  Mark Nepo

    I love, "the darkest cry uttered with honesty can arrive as the holiest of songs."  My honesty in writing about sexual abuse does feel very holy to me, even if the topic itself isn't.  And writing about my experiences with the FALC and how its applications kept dysfunction going, also feel more holy than anything I heard in church.

    It isn't the topic that is written about, but the energy of honesty and integrity.

    And to me, the greatest songs and words ever spoken are those whispered or cried in total honesty.  I felt at one with God the day I began walking my truth…giving voice to how I feel, even if what I had to say was not welcomed by many, it was a spiritual experience for me.

     

     

  • Free will is outside of the Program.

    "The structure of the human mind has been likened to a computer in that the mind's basic structure is akin to the hardware and its content to the software.  The mind has limited control over the content of the programming; thus, the human is simultaneously accountable and responsible yet innocent."  David Hawkins.

    "The mind has limited control over the content of the programming"…Most of us fail to understand the power of the program that is running inside of our heads.  How it sees for us and has us living a life from its base and that we have very very little free will.

    Our free will is all within the program, but you do not have a choice outside of what is offered there.  It isn't even possible to consider a choice that the program doesn't have.  Our limits are our parents limits.  It is near impossible to reach beyond the confines while in the confines.  The program has a list to choose from, a limited list, we can only select from the list.

    What I believe happened to me, is that my whole program crashed.  I for some reason was able to see the program and then reality.  And how the two did not match.  It is a rare opportunity to see outside of the program.

    My 'mental breakdown' was actually falling out of the program.

    I was the computer and could see the program….instead of believing the program was me.  

    How I was able to see the truth outside of the program, I can't know, or how that happened, but it did…And I believed IT over the long running program.

    Once you see that the mind/program can be wrong, you lose faith in your head.

    My head had stories that didn't match reality.  My head had definitions that didn't match reality.  I saw and felt and experienced first hand how out of sync my mind was with reality.  

    Once you know you have a defunct operating system running your life, you are aware you have a program operating.  

    My 'natural' reflexes were actual reflexes of the program…but not of truth.

    The program seemed to be built to ward off the truth and reality instead of walking hand in hand with it.  And my life was built upon the program and not of my truth or the truth alone.

    For seven years now I have been finding threads of the program, beliefs and thoughts that eclipse my spirit.  

    When the program is running a part of my life, I feel out of control now, and am.  The program is driving me and I follow.

    Hard to articulate this to folks who have never, not once stepped out of their program, it makes perfect sense to me since I experienced first hand how off the mark it was.

    I had believed that I was a program and that the program was of high morals and values, to come and find out it was filled with abuse and lies.

    While it was extremely difficult to see the program in its fully glory, it was the only thing that would have gotten me out.  I am not sure if there was one thread of truth within the whole thing, for if I had the correct word, I had the wrong definition.  Or the right definition but had it placed upon the wrong person or relationship.  There always seemed to be one thing that made the whole thing wrong.

    Very interesting to investigate your self, your program and place it facing the truth to see where you and reality match.

    It seems to me, that unless something huge happens in reality that our program can't handle, we will get left idling along behind the program, content that it is spot on.

    Perhaps restless now and again, or a bit resentful, but not with enough volume to send us completely out.  Life's little bumps are something that the program can handle.  

    We can live with mild to moderate stress with spikes of rage and not get tossed out of the program.  The moments of great tragedy or crisis are the situations that are set up to toss you out…

    I can't know what those are or what programs are running, but what I can seem to tell is where you are compared to reality.

    I can see the justifiable lies of the program, you call you.

    In dysfunctional homes, the justifiable lies are what holds the family together.  Its the glue and the rose colored glasses that keeps you from leaving.

    It isn't the truth of there being love and kindness there, but the lies that it is there.  And while under the power of the program, you can't tell truth from fiction.

    The program is living your life…and calling it a loving family.

    I see folks asleep behind the program…living life unaware;  Not being aware they are accountable and responsible for choices they are making within the program…for there is no part of them that can reach for a new choice outside of the program..that choice is unavailable to them.

    Free will isn't a choice that they have to pick from.

    Free will is outside of the program.