I M Perfect lady

Category: FALC

  • Nothing to Hide.

    Today's reading from Mark Nepo's book, "The Book of Awakening"

    "I often think of Nicodemus, the one Pharisee who secretly believed in Jesus and who would meet with him anonymously at night to have deep spiritual conversations, but who would never acknowledge his questions of spirit or his association with Jesus in the light of day.  Of course, this did nothing to the essence of Jesus, but traumatically thwarted and plagued Nicodemus for the rest of his days."

    "This story shows us the quiet pain that comes from not honoring what we know to be true, even if all we know to be true are the questions we are asking.  It is even more useful to realize that we each carry a Jesus and a Nicodemus within us; that is, we each have a divine inner voice that open us to truth and a mediating social voice that is reluctant to show its truth to others."

    "The famous British child psychologist D.W. Winnicott called these aspects of personality our True and False Self.  it is the True Self that lets us know what is authentic and what has become artificial, while the False Self is a diplomat of distrust, enforcing a lifestyle of guardedness, secrecy, and complaint."

    "In everyday terms, this means that each time we experience a change in reality as we know it, we must choose whether to declare or hide what we know to be true. At such moments, we either need to bring the way we have been living into accord with that shift of reality, or we need to resist the change.  Thus, in daily ways, whether we live in our True or False Self depends on our willingness to stay real.  And so, over time, staying real becomes the work of keeping our actions in the world connected to the truth of our inner being, allowing our True Self to see the light of day."

    "Very often, we continue, out of habit or fear, to behave in old ways, even though we know that the way of things has changed.  Time and time again, I have found myself at this crucial juncture: having to admit that what was essential is no longer essential and then needing to summon the courage to make the act of living essential again."

    "I know that every time I hear or see the truth but hold to the old way – of being or thinking or relating – I am giving my life over to Nicodemus in me.  And in doing so, I embark on a divided life, in which I listen to the divine inner voice secretly at night, but deny it day after day."

    "But this moment of inner embarrassment, when we catch ourselves in the act of split living, is also the recurring chance for us to honor once again what we know to be true. For anyone, no matter how wounded or distressed, can in a moment of truth let the God within show itself out here in the world.  However small or fleeting, this one repeatable act can restore our common and vital sense of being alive."  Mark Nepo

    This is exactly as I have witnessed myself and others.  I too used to hide from the truth, instead of declare it. I too used to not have the courage to align myself with the voice of truth within me.  Until my truthful life became too big to hide.  My false sense could not create a shield big enough to hide behind.

    What I have experienced since bringing my truth to the light of day, is seeing my old self.  Seeing how others say things to me in 'secret' how they reveal their deeper self, but then are unable to walk with it in the light of day.  I totally feel how that is. 

    Somehow we are more afraid of the truth than living a false life.

    When I began bringing my truth to the light of day, it became a way of being.  In each situation I would be asked to declare or hide.  And I knew that in the past, my hiding from the truth didn't prevent it from hurting me.  For eventually I had to face it…so I declare now, rather than hide.

    I also believe that we are in the midst of a great change, where it will become impossible to live a false life.  That our awareness will increase and you will see the how hopeless it is to pretend.  

    And, that even if you can't display your truth, others in your families will….and in turn take down the closet door, leaving you exposed against your will.

    Each of us know inside of us what the truth is by how afraid we are of being found out.  The higer the fear, the more we have to hide.  

    If only I could impress upon anyone who is living this divided life, the ease and peace you will gain by becoming one…

    It will be hard to extricate your self from the false life you have built, but in the end, you will be standing as one self with nothing to hide.

     

  • Words to My Experience.

    In the past seven years I have doubted and felt awkward with my new sense of awareness, of being able to discern my truth, while others it seemed were most intent on hiding theirs; I was undressing my truth like a stripper.

    Once you have awareness, it doesn't leave you.  You can choose not to use it, but it remains inside of you. You now have a sixth sense about you.  You see and feel deeper, and have a knowing that can't be set aside.

    What I didn't know was how I had it and others appeared not to have it.  How it came to me in the middle of a trauma that shattered my whole world.  How my perceptions seemed so completely off compared to others.  I no longer could fit into my old way of thinking and past relationships.  Something seismic had happened.

    I am reading a book by Gary Zukav, "Spiritual Partnership: The Journey to Authentic Power, and he writes about my experience.

    "This is a book about change, the biggest change possible or imaginable – change bigger than the discovery of fire, bigger than the invention of the wheel, bigger than the origin of cultures, the birth of religions, the rise of nation-states, and the impacts on science. It is bigger than anything that has come before and so big that is not possible to envision what could come after or when."

    "This is a book about possibilities.  Experiences, insights, motivations, and creations beyond our ability to imagine only a few years ago now call to us, beckoning us to new destinations and yet more new possibilities. All is new and fresh, like a blank page awaiting words, a canvas inviting the first brushstroke.  In the past others have glimpsed and sometimes explored, these new possibilities, but now everyone is beginning to see or sense them. We have crossed the threshold and there is no turning back. There is now way to turn back."

    "This book is about power. The old kind of power – the ability to manipulate and control – now produces only violence and destruction. This is a real surprise, because the old power enabled us and our ancestors to survive.  Like good medicine suddenly turned bad, it is now poison.  We used to take it to stay alive.  Now we need to avoid it to stay healthy.  A new kind of power – authentic power – has become the new good medicine, and we need it to become healthy, nurturing and whole."

    "Change, possibilities, and power that we could not have imagined are reshaping the entire human experience.  New values, goals and intentions are everywhere appearing like grass in the spring.  This grass is growing quickly, and where ever it grows beauty appears.  With it comes fields of flowers and vast forests.  A new and surprising world is emerging in new ways and surprising ways.  We are all students in a new school, explorers in new territory, and pioneers in a new human experience."

    "This unprecedented transformation in human experience has two parts.  Process A and Process B.  Process A is happening automatically, so to speak.  No one needs to do anything to make it happen.  Process A is occurring in millions of individuals, and soon Process A will occur in all humans.  Process B is a different story.  It requires Choice.  Specifically, YOU must choose to make Process B happen or it will not happen in you.  Even if others choose to make Process B happen in themselves, Process B will not happin until you choose to make it happen.  In short (1) Process A is happening to everyone, or soon will, and there is nothing you or anyone else can do about it; (2) Process B is happening only to individuals who choose to make it happen in themselves; no one else can make it happen in them; and they cannot make it happen in anyone else."

    "Let's give process A and Process B names. Process A is the expansion of human perception beyond what we can see, hear, taste, touch and smell.  It is a very big deal.  Process A is seeing for yourself that the world is larger than you thought – much larger- and also different than you could have imagined.  Before Process A occurs, your perceptions of the world are confined to what your five senses tell you about it.  After Process A occurs, your five senses continue to tell you about the world and, in addition, you experience more. The "more" is sometimes difficult to describe to individuals who have not yet experienced Process A, but actually millions of individuals have already experienced Process A or are experiencing it and haven't realized it yet."

    "Process A allows you to know things about others that your five senses cannot tell you, for example, that someone is going to call you just before she calls, that your daughter in another city has been in an accident, that your grandparent is passing on, that you should avoid driving until you check the breaks on your car and so on.  In other words, Process A involves intuition in a big way.  Process A also allows you to experience yourself in new ways, for example, as more than your mind and your body. It reveals your life as purposeful like water calls a thirsty man.  Process A allows you to encounter meaning in unexpected ways, for example that everything is perfect or feeling of connection with a stranger. Process A allows you to see from an impersonal perspective. From that perspective, all of your experiences, even the most painful – serve your spiritual development and the spiritual development of those around you.  They provide exactly what you need to develop the strength, compassion, and wisdom to give the gifts that you were born to give."

    "Process A is an expanded awareness that includes not only the perceptual system of the five senses but also a second system that detects intelligence, compassion, and wisdom that are real but not physical.  This system allows you to experience nonphysical reality in many ways including those just mentioned. Process A is multisensory perception.  This is the great transformation in human consciousness that is currently emerging throughout the human species.  Within a few generations, all humans will be multisensory. They will experience not only the domain of space, time and matter, and duality that has been the totality of experience for most humans since the origin of humanity, but also nonphysical domains and dynamics that affect us and that will affect us."

    "This brings us to Process B.  Process B is bringing that new potential that comes with Process A into your life.  Multisensory perception (Process A) changes your perception, but it does not change you.  It shows you things that you could not see before, but it does not make you use your new knowledge.  It illuminates dynamics that you could not see – dynamics that you can apply to change your life and world permanently for the better – but it does not require you to apply them.  It reveals your creative power, but it does not make you create wisely.  On the contrary, you will continue to create as you have in the past until you choose otherwise.  If you are angry, for example, Process A (multisensory perception) will not make you less angry.  It also will not create different consequences for you than acting with anger has created in the past.  People will still avoid you, still be intimidated by you, still refuse to be vulnerable with you, and you will still be isolated, lonely and longing for meaningful relationships, and angry."

    "Process B is experiencing and changing in yourself the interior sources of your painful emotions (such as anger, jealousy, vengefulness and so on), obsessive thoughts (such as judging others or yourself, longing for someone or something to change your life, and so on), compulsive activities (such as workaholism, perfectionism, and so on), and addictive behaviors (such as overeating, smoking, drinking alcohol, using drugs, watching pornography, gambling, and so on).  It is also experiencing and cultivating in yourself the interior sources of your pleasing emotions (such as gratitude, contentment, appreciation, and awe of Life).  In short Process B is creating the fulfilling and joyful life that is calling to you."

    "This takes work, but choosing Process B can produce almost instantaneous results in your life.  In other words, choosing Process B can fundamentally change your life in a very short time. This does not mean that you become a radically different person the first or second time you engage in Process B.  Process B is not that simple or easy.  However, each change that you make in yourself as you engage in Process B is fundamentally transformative. The first change is fundamentally transformative, no matter how small it may appear.  The second change is fundamentally transformative, and so forth.  Process B is incremental.  It happens choice by choice, and each choice that you make moves you in a new direction toward a new and healthy goal – a personality whose experiences are so dramatically different that you cannot always forsee what they will be."

    "Process B requires you to choose words and deeds, moment by moment, that will create joyful and constructive consequences even when painful or violent emotions roar through you. Process B is changing your life with the force of your own will, guided by your own awareness, with intentions that you consciously choose, assisted by the compassion and wisdom of the Universe experienced in personal and meaningful ways.  This transformation is more than change toward a better or more healthy life.  It is transformation toward the highest, most noble, healthy, and grounded part of you.  That is your soul."

    "In other words, Process B is finding and changing all the parts of your personality that do not intend what your soul intends, and finding and cultivating all the parts of your personality that do intend what your soul intends. Your soul intends harmony, cooperation, sharing and reverence for Life.  Each time you create with one of these intentions, you create authentic power – a life of meaning and fulfillment, gratitude, vitality, creativity, and joy.  Process B is creating authentic power."

    "Without Process A (mulitsensory perception) happening to everyone, Process B (creating authentic power) would not be possible for anyone.  Process B is aligning your personality with your soul, but your five sense cannot detect your soul.  The sou is an interesting idea to some five-sensory individuals, but it is not experientially meaningful to any of them.  Now millions of individuals are experiencing multisensory perception (Process A), and they are changing their lives because of it (Process B).  You are experiencing multisensory perception or you would not find this book interesting or valuable.  The ideas in it have no appeal to intellects that are informed by the five senses alone, but they call to all hearts that are informed by multisensory perception.  Multisensory perception and authentic power are the two defining characters of the transformation in human consciousness that is now under way.  The first emerges without effort, affects all perception, and reveals new dimensions of experience.  The second awaits your commitment, courage, compassion, and conscious communication and actions to bring it into your life. The first is a wondrous gift from the Universe.  You must create the second.  Multisensory perception does not impair your choice. Multisensory individuals are as free to pursue external power (the old kind of power) as they are to create authentic power, but the choice to pursue external power now leads only to violence and destruction between individuals (at the least), and physical violence and destruction between religions, cultures, and nations. There are no redeeming benefits to the choice of external power. There are no benefits to it at all."

    "Five sensory humans evolve by surviving.  Multisensory humans evolve by growing spiritually. This dramatic difference requires dramatically different relationships."

    "The new type of relationship for multisensory humans who are evolving through creating authentic power is spiritual partnership.  A spiritual partnership is a partnership between equals for the purpose of spiritual growth.  It attracts multisensory humans who are creating authentic power as much as old-type relationships attracted five-sensory humans who were pursuing external power.  The purpose, nature, and function of spiritual partnerships are different.  The dynamics of spiritual partnerships and the experience that spiritual partnerships cocreate are different.  This new type of relationship is as inseparable from emerging multisensory humans who are creating authentic power as old-type relationships were from five-sensory humans who pursued external power."

    "Creating authentic power requires relationships of substance and depth.  You cannot grow spiritually until you have the courage to enter into meaningful and significant relationships.  In other words, spiritual partnerships are a necessary part of Process B. Every encounter provides you an opportunity to create authentic power, but when your encounters include others who are also using their experiences to create authentic power, the potential for a spiritual partnership comes into being. Potential spiritual partners recognize the commitment, courage, compassion, and conscious communications and actions of one another. They naturally strive to support one another in creating authentic power and to receive the support of one another in creating authentic power.  They journey toward the same goal, recognize fellow travelers, and learn from one another.  Evolution now requires you to create a fulfilling and joyful life – to give the gifts that you were born to give – and spiritual partnerships bring you into cocreative interactions with others who are doing the same."  Gary Zukav

    I now can tell those who are going through the changes and those who are not.  I feel great comfort in reading this, for it puts words to my experience.

     

     

  • Seek to Become more Aware.

    Jason Torola put it so clearly, "

    Beth, You'll get the last word. You always do. But know this; I've seen what you wrote. I've seen what you tried to do.

    A wise man told me, "You can fool the fans, but you can't fool the players." Beth, we are all players here.

    I don't have to get the last word, but people usually stop talking and I can't make them talk, so is it really my problem that I get left in silence?  

    His reference to what I wrote isn't something I feel would be beneficial to post on my blog…it isn't my journey…I myself have no problems with airing it…but it isn't mine to air.

    And he is very correct in stating "We are all Players here."

    Yes we are. And how you play the game will define your integrity and your authenticity.  And I love that there are no fans to fool.  For you truly are not fooling anyone…you only look foolish.

    I know what my intentions are and how I personally play the game and furthermore, who I like to play with.

    I am not interested in the struggle of convincing someone to do or say or be a certain way.  I used to.  I mothered that way.  I gave it up five years ago…and in its place granted freedom to all who have a relationship with me.

    You Jason get to be Jason…please do and say and be exactly as you feel.  I truly would not want you any other way. The same goes for the rest of your family and each person and family in the church and out.  

    I have no desire to change a hair on your head.  However, IF it is YOUR desire to change and want a cheerleader, I will cheer you on as you play this new game.

    But, if you want to continue in the old system of seeking power and control…we part ways.  I don't play there anymore.  And I will not tell you you can't play there.  Play away.  Demand, rage and work to bend and control OR give up your power and people please and play that way…either way it is a game I no longer play.

    It is my goal, my intention to completely take myself out of that old game. Certainly there will be times when I slip and fall and veer off course and find the old me wanting to control, or feeling above others by making them feel less…but it doesn't feel good inside of me no more.  I have lost the taste for that old game.

    It has taken a great deal of work to get out of that game and its cost to my life were way too much…If and when I find myself playing that old game, I quickly work to exit out.

    Jason I was a very forceful player in the old system….and I can certainly see how you can see me that way.  But in the past 7 years I have been feverishly working to remove all desire to play that way.

    I am making choices that are the opposite of how I used to live life. I was completely exhausted and totally without a clue as to how to change and control so much dysfunction….I walked out.

    I gave up control and found freedom.

    I concentrated on my self.

    I began to save only me.

    To control only me.

    To play only for me.

    And it worked like magic…I became a player that no longer needs to find its power by controlling other people.  My power is gotten by being free.

    I truly, truly wish for you and all…the experience of being free.  It was not then or is now my intention to break up families. It would be my greatest joy to see one family make it through this journey intact.

    It wasn't to be that way for me.  It is not now or ever a walk I want for one other soul…but It isn't up to me.  Remember Jason, we are all players…and what we put out comes back into our lives.

    Play well…there is no fooling the fans.  We are aware of the truth, whether we show it or not…it is there.  Each of us will have the choice to follow our awareness or to sit this round out….but awareness is yours to pick up…or yours to ignore.  

    Awareness is the Gift I have discovered…placed there for when you get tired of being in the old game.  It is automatic, you don't have to be cute enough, good enough or wise enough….it is just there.

    It is there waiting for you to glance its way…to begin to see life in a whole new way.  You lose the fight and seek to become more aware.

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    This is a quilt I titled, "Awareness"  my daughter owns it.  Photograph by Hannah Jukuri

  • Uncomfortable to Face

    There is a one two punch in following your feelings.  The blow that you were right when you actually wanted to be proved wrong and secondly that your inner compass is spot on. 

    What people fail to appreciate is that I am not creating the truth that affirms me, they are acting on their own, by their own volition.  

    I am not putting words in mouths or fingers to keyboard, I am not manipulating them or their blog posts or the conditions of their blogs. They are doing this on their own free will.  

    I simply observe and respond.

    My brother's blog, http://www.messyguru.typepad.com received a comment from Jim Torola that succinctly shows why I had to back away.  The character assignation he delivered to my brother has no proof in reality. None.  

    I am not defending my brother, he does this well enough on his own, but I want the record to show if you will, that my actions were validated.

    I can't know why Jim wrote what he wrote or where these ideas came from.  All I can know, is that they don't ring true for me.  He wasn't writing about the brother that I know.

    Walking hand in hand with reality is often painful when you want a different outcome.  But, I have learned that regardless of my wishes, reality marches on.

    It seems one blog has erased all the past posts, but the last one. 

    Are we as good as our last word?  Can you live without a past?  Can you simply erase it like blog posts?  Can you leave out the dark parts and focus up ahead?  Is it possible to live life like you were born today?

    My history is precious, each morsel and drop. Each ugly stain and scuff…is my journey. There is no word I would erase, no part I would remove, no person I would not have met, no lesson I would have missed.

    Each and every thing I have said and done is me being me.  Certainly there are places and very long stretches of me acting unconsciously…of presenting the perfect rendition of a person who is brainwashed.  A confused lost abused person. I did that well.

    I even did a great presentation of exiting out of a dysfunctional family while being dysfunctional.  I was and am viewed as mental and crazy…certainly that can apply. 

    I no longer fit into what they call 'normal' and 'family'.  I stand out, thankfully so.  I no longer mesh with their mentalness.

    But, erase a part or forget a moment, or live like I had no past….never.  My past is what I had to overcome to become who I am today.  

    It was like all aspects of myself were taken away and I was set upon scavenger hunt to get them back.  Finding a piece of my self here and there, a part of me lost in this belief and that desire.

    If I had left my past behind and set out to form a completely new me, I would have left my soul behind.  I would have skipped the hunt to find the real me.

    It would have been leaving one nightmare to build a fantasy…a very similar tactic that an abused child uses.  It wipes out the harsh reality and goes on to create a fantastical blog of kindness…while reality marches on.

    This is exactly what I did as a child.  My reality was too unkind, so I created a nice looking happy place for me to go to, not looking or recording the dark history…

    And sadly, while I was busy in my new happy space, a pedophile was busy molesting little girls. 

    I no longer try to escape to a fantasy land and instead turn and head into that which is uncomfortable to face.

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    Photograph by Hannah Jukuri

     

     

     

     

     

  • My Truth Against Me

    The battle of the Blogs continue…and I wonder what its real agenda is?  What is the real meat of the discontentment and why does it really matter who writes what or if at all.  

    What I have found upon writing period, whether it be on a blog or not, is that if you write long enough, the truth will emerge…like magic.  If you want to know the answers, writing it out seems to straighten out the mind, so you can find a trail.

    In my pursuit of my own truth writing was and is my greatest tool.

    I write to understand me.  

    In writing I have learned a huge amount about me.  It has been a conversation between me and myself and I have shared this by putting it out in blog form.

    Due my history which I can't escape from, I write from the viewpoint of my history.  I am a woman who was raised in a very strict religion and was raped by my father. 

    The affects of having grown up in that environment changed who I was…it altered me, tilted me, put me on an awkward slant.  It had me seeing the world as a woman with a mental disease.

    Where abuse was a 'normal' life.

    My writings have been to right me.

    To untilt my beliefs.

    To see what abuse touched and to straighten out my mind.

    I write to see clearly, that which I am not able to see.

    I have learned what the affects have done to me and what I passed on to my children.

    I have learned how I left abuse…how I operated with my life due to this backwards start.  

    My blog is a public document of my private struggle.

    Having lived for 46 year so disingenuously, my razor sharp focus now is to be impeccable with my word and to follow them with actions of the same.  I aim to walk my talk.

    I know the cost of not facing my truth…so it is my intent to now live my truth as I know it.  And along the way point out things that I feel are off for me.  

    When they are off or don't seem quite right….I move away.  In the past, I may have stayed out of fear of reprisals, but not any more. Fear doesn't keep me frozen unable to change as life dictates.

    I love that I am free to support a blog and then free to change my mind. I love that others are free to read and then free not to read.  I love that they are free to agree or not agree.  Free to comment or not.  

    Blogging is indeed another vehicle of communication…what you say when you speak is up to you.  If you want to communicate with certain blogs, again up to you.  Or if you want to silently ride along, that too is up to you.  

    My blog tends to push buttons, for it is delving into sacred grounds that are typically unchallenged and usually not aired out in public. I am putting myself out there for anyone to take potshots and they do. I am shining lights upon subjects, people and beliefs that some fear to have disclosed.  I totally understand that I am breaking the unwritten rules.

    I am not being passive and apathetic or pleasing to get along…I am willing to share my life experiences, coming from whence I came….and talking about the two very influential life changing forces…Abuse and Religion… Two hot button subjects.

    I make no apologies…or step softly around items that I know will explode if I dare oppose. I step anyway.  

    Abuse thrives due to walking quietly around it, by whispering instead of putting it out where all can see.

    I have been convicted in the family court for knowing and saying nothing….I will not make that same mistake again.  If I know, If I feel, If I suspect….I will share.

    Tom Rosemergy is the first person I tell when I hear a new name.

    When I discover a new truth, it usually arrives on the blog.  This has been my vehicle to be an open book to read…for in the past, I was way too silent.

    In the past my silence was a vehicle that abuse used.

    Again, there are very few blogs about abuse within the FALC, or ex-members talking candid about their experiences, it isn't always easy to discern the value each blog has.

    My blog will not be of value to those who are in support of the church. My blog will not be of value for those who are not victims of abuse. My blog will not be of value for those who want to remain in toxic relationships. 

    Certainly there will be voyeurs into my life, who then go on and use it to disparage me…who will turn it with their own minds.  I can't control how other people see me.  

    What I have found is that when I am comfortable with my truth, you can't use my truth against me.

     

     

     

     

     

  • Gaining a friend

    When I began writing, it was all about finding the truth.  I was so lost in knowing what was the truth and what was not…I wrote to find my way. 

    The reasons for this is that speaking the truth is not something that we all do.  Living the truth is for certain what we are not used to.  In fact I feel a flush of shame in speaking the truth.  Isn't that odd???

    You would think that telling lies would have me feeling the heat of getting caught, of being in trouble, and of losing friends…but for telling the truth???

    Even my new young friends have turned away…not because I lie, but because I say what is true for me.

    I don't get this…and yet I do.

    I wasn't taught to tell my truth, feel my truth and certainly not point out or act upon someone else's truth.  In fact telling the truth got me in trouble and was cause for a cold shoulder, annihilation.  And it still remains that way from folks who know, but don't want me to say.

    No one it seemed wanted to wave their truths around.  My father hid his and my mother helped him…and so did I.  It was a given within the family, NoT to talk about it.  To go on and present normal.

    Think about it.  Lies and lies of omission are seen as commonplace. And the truth a shocking attack.  How???

    This is a huge part of the ongoing abuse…what happens to those who speak up…and who point out the discrepancies between what is presented and what happens behind the scenes.  Doors begin to shut…distance opens up, we get pushed away…for telling the truth.

    Only those unhealed in abuse fear the truth.  

    Those who are seeking to be healed, need the truth. The truth is our way out. Untruths will keep you locked in the awkward dance of two lives.

    One where on surface it is a beautiful picture…but the feelings and emotions don't match.

    I used to live there.  I know what it is like to have a life and have feelings that are a complete juxtaposition.  I too used to lie to be normal.  I understand.

    My lies of normal did not make a father…but hid a pedophile.

    My lies supported abuse.

    I no longer can lie.

    I will lose 'friends' but friends don't lie to each other.

    I am sorry…for the potential seems so alive and electric…our similarities so great…and then.

    Then there were big gaps where truth needed to be…and actions taken.  A hole…a space, an opening, a chance, an opportunity to be forthcoming and instead silence screamed out.  Omitting the truth.

    Perhaps my flush of being caught in the truth, is a knowing.  A line in the sand, that separates and divides.

    It isn't so much me and you…but my truth and you from your truth.

    I just keep feeling flung back at the oddness of being caught with the truth and how that feels like I will get in trouble for it.  Striking to say the least.

    It is like I have been taught that telling the truth is as bad as what normal people feel about telling a lie.  Can you see the flip in how I was punished for telling the truth and rewarded and accepted for telling lies.

    It used to be more important to get along and be liked, to not toss rocks of truth into the waters and blink away red flags…but I no longer want to build a life of lies…

    My body doesn't do well knowing one thing, but saying another.  I am no longer capable of remaining silent.  I cannot omit that which I feel.

    And I will lose friends or fail to make some…but a me who lies to be liked will not be liked by me.  My integrity means more than gaining a friend…

    IMG_7410
    A lady who knows her truth…imperfectly.

  • The Questioning Part of You.

    There are, at least to my knowledge, not many blogs about the FALC or more succinctly, abuse and the FALC.  When I began blogging about my experience, my focal point wasn't to look against the church, but rather to share my experience about being abused.  I just happen to be a past member of the First Apostolic Lutheran Church.

    In the past year, two more blogs popped up, Jim Torola's and his wife Judy's.  And there is one called extoots, that is similar, but more looking into the churches similar to the FALC and the members that have left.

    Each of us are writing from our points of view, with intentions hidden or in plain view.  

    My intentions were for the sole purpose of allowing others to see my personal journey, healing from being sexually abused as a little girl.  I wanted there to be a place where others could go to relate…and to break the silence.

    We have this wonderful tool that we can communicate with folks we would never have the experience to physically come in contact with. A way to pass on information and a place to voice and comment.

    It truly wasn't my intention to shine a bad light upon the church, but sadly the truth and reality make it so.  

    What some have mistakenly seen as attack or anger towards the church, is actually a passionate voice wanting you to see that within your hallowed walls lurks a sick disease.

    And yes, I agree that all churches have this disease, for all churches are made up of human beings.  I get that.  But there just seems to be a disproportionate amount within the FALC.  And perhaps that isn't even the bigger issue, but the silence about it.

    No one is talking openly and with a passion to stop the spreading of this awful behavior upon little children.

    And there is a cautionary point I want to make, about the blogs that are out there.  Don't read at face value, don't leave your discernment behind, look and see and pay close attention to what isn't there.

    And please do the same here.  I don't want you to believe that which I write, without you first checking to see if it makes sense to you.  I want you to actively question and please dialogue with me.

    I want you to look around your church and families, to listen closely to stories you hear, to awaken your own inner voice and wonder.

    I feel that my blog is open and free for an exchange of ideas.  I am by my own admission a very passionate advocate for victims of abuse…and secondly against parties that seek to control them.

    What I find a bit discerning about Jim's blog is the lack of a comment section. And now Judy's blog has a log on section that seems odd to me.  I don't know that means.  Why does it matter who reads?  I can see that you as a blog owner have the write to take offending comments off, but to closely monitor who is reading seems a tad off.

    The strict control bothers me about both the blogs.

    What puzzles me is that Her second blog is wide open, but there is no discussion that pertains to the FALC, abuse or for that matter subjects that are deeper than the surface.  I find it odd to monitor the deeper subjects… And just interesting that it isn't a blog habit, for she has two totally different blogs.  One closed and one wide open.

    I feel a natural sense of curiosity in this and a huge lack of trust…and feelings that I am being monitored as I enter her site.  I will not register and enter into her 'controlled' site.  

    I don't have a secret part of me, I stand here in the open all sides revealed, there is no part of me that remains in the shadow, nor do I care to closely monitor who looks upon this site…and me.

    It is my intention and hopes that this site will offer comfort and answers and maybe even a place to see a differing view.  A voice in the silence…speaking up and about abuse and the FALC.

    I want you to see me with your truth and your own discernment, please bring all of you to me.  I want this site to be open and free to browse.  I care not who you are as you read, and I hope that what I have to say will awaken the questioning part of you.

     

     

  • Norm within the Church

    The latest news within the FALC, is that the Chairperson of the Zion church was caught with his pants down so to speak…which to me is a huge red flag waving once again above the steeple.

    How many flags need to be waved before the people in the pews will see that this behavior isn't isolated to a person, that it is an affect of abuse itself?

    Who will see this as a sign pointing to the contents of the family and not try and keep it as rogue behavior?  He is displaying the affects of abuse.  

    How will this affect or not affect the members of the church?

    Who will begin to unhook the mantle of 'purity' and see that beneath the veil lies reality?

    I see him as a confused adult child.  I see him as the natural progression of unhealed sexual abuse.  It isn't just a bad choice…of doing the wrong thing in the wrong place, it is a symptom of a much bigger problem.  

    To isolate him and focus on the act and not see the pathway that led him there is to miss the whole picture.

    His family tree is a new tree in the forrest of names that I have. Another name, another family, another section of the church where the virus of abuse has spread…

    The hope section grows smaller, that this isn't the norm within the church.  

     

  • Not our Time to Connect.

    In the past 6 months, I have been in contact with former members of the FALC, and at first glance, it seemed that we would all be on the same page, but that is not so.  

    The common ground ends at the exit.

    Some have left under their own power, while others were forced out or voted out.  Some have left in search of a new religion, to hear a new voice of God or in rebellion.  I am not sure many left like me.

    I left due to the fact that I discovered abuse was sanctioned by the church…in subtle and not so subtle ways.  I left with the discovery of abuse…and not in search of a new God or religion.  My main exit point was abuse. 

    I somehow misjudged the ex-members, believing that they, like me, sought the truth.  That they were reaching for a deeper meaning in their life, in search of walking with integrity or healing from abuse.

    But that is not always the case.

    It isn't as clear cut as splitting or dividing it into the ex-members and the members…it is much more involved than that.

    Just because you exit the church, doesn't mean you are 'better' as in healed.  Your journey then has just begun.  I assumed many had awakened to their own inner truth, but come to find out there are many more reasons for leaving.

    I failed to recognize the walking wounded and assumed many things about them and their journey and granted them a higher level of understanding then they actually had.

    On the surface the scene appeared to be much more healthy than it actually appeared. Their storyline convincing…and I guess I was eager to greet other ex-members, especially those who too had been sexually abused…to learn, share and find a friendship.

    It seemed to be a perfect match. They knew where I was coming from and how it felt, yet I was too quick in trusting and misunderstood our common ground for equal healing.

    Our similar childhoods made the 'getting to know you' stage much shorter, for we all knew the players.  I dropped my guard and level of discernment and calculations of truth, simply because they came from the church…I assumed many things.

    And I of all people should have known better.  I should have recognized the work it takes to undo the years of being brainwashed and what it does to the human Spirit.

    But I didn't.  I somehow elevated them to my level, without the proof or feedback from them.  

    Perhaps this is all part of the journey, learning how to read people and knowing when to walk away.

    Some have come close to me and backed away and I have done the same.  I have supported blogs, to then no longer support them. I have friended folks on facebook and then unfriended them and have had the same done to me.

    I get it.  It isn't as simple as we all belong together outside of the church…we don't, for we are out here for different reasons.

    There is a huge difference depending upon whether you were forced out or you simply couldn't stay there a minute longer.  

    Some left because their families were not treated well, they leave with resentment and anger.  

    I left knowing the breakdown of the system or that it didn't work on big sins.  I left with a complete inner conviction that the FALC was a key player in keeping abuse in my home.  I felt the failings of the church, personally.  I wasn't kicked out, I ran out.

    It is good to know that I can walk down the friendship path and know when to get off.  That I am free to get to know you and when you show me bits and pieces of yourself that don't ring true, I can back away.

    Just because you walk away from a cult or a dysfunctional family doesn't mean you are automatically healed. You then have to learn how to walk functionally.  The exit is that start of healing, but the healing is a long ways down the road.

    As this blog has evolved, as I have evolved, I have openly supported other blogs…and yet I didn't openly unsupport them.  I believe they are on their journey, just not to the point of which I can fully support. There just seems to be more dysfunction than function.

    I can't knowingly support folks who are unknowingly still abusing…still lost even unto themselves.  

    I would like to warn other newly exiting members to be careful as you make contact with other past members. We all have been subjected to years of brainwashing and not all are striving to gain inner control and are left in a very confused state.

    There really is no difference between being lost in the FALC or lost outside of its doors. Each will have to find their way back to their own inner truth and integrity…and some will remain lose cannons without a connection deep within themselves. 

    I am betting the percentage that make it out, completely out and free of the entanglements of mind control etc are few…most will be lost souls, damaged but free…especially those who were also sexually abused as well as religiously abused, a double twist.

    It is not an easy road to untangle those ties that bound us within the church, and just because we shared similar childhoods are we a good match.

    For some the matching time is not right. We are at different places on our own personal journeys…our level of healing is off.  It is not our time to connect.

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    Photograph by Hannah Jukuri

  • Not the Truth

    The Book of Awakening, Mark Nepo, February 11th – Simplicity

    "So, what does it mean to be simple?  In a world that is complicated, we are often misled to believe that being simple is being stupid, when in truth, it holds the reward for living directly, which is that things appear, at last as they really are."

    "How many times have I seen the gestures of a loved one or colleague and then struggle privately to uncover what it all really meant?  How many times have I done everything possible but ask directly?  How often do I refuse to be direct; not saying what I mean, not showing what I feel, not letting the life around me really touch me?"

    "Amazingly, nothing else in nature is indirect.  The leopard trying to scale the mountain strains and shows its effort. The frightened squirrel in the tree hovers and trembles, showing its fright. The wave mounting toward shore saves nothing as it bows and spreads itself over and over against a shore that openly crumbles to be so loved. Only humans say one thing and mean another. Only we go one way and wish we were somewhere else."

    "Like so many other tasks that await us, the reward is hardly what we imagine.  It seems that Lao-tzu reveals to us a secret tool of living, kept secret by our unwillingness to accept its truth.  This ancient sage tells us quite openly that the act of simplicity – of living directly – is the doorway to the Source of all Being."

    "Imagine if this is true.  I implore you, when feeling lost or far away, try it – try being direct and the Universe without a word will come alive."  Mark

    Facing things directly will feel strange when you are used to hiding behind a self protective screen of being indirect.  The indirect screen is only there to keep your life at a distance and unclear.

    It is terribly frightening to lose the screen, while extremely exhilarating and wild.  You then are in life, with life as it is happening in the truth of what is.

    Indirectly approaching life will keep steering you off of your target. Y

    I know I lived for 46 years indirectly, by never seeing that which was there, and never saying that which I needed to say; had me living a life that was nowhere close to the one that reflected my feelings inside.

    If you live indirectly with your self, you will live a life that is not you, but steered away from who you really are.  Your life will indeed reflect that which you say, do and feel.  The distance between yourself and your truth, is measured by how direct you are.

    And the volume of how much you have to lose by being direct, is showing you how much of your life is indirect…or not the truth.