I M Perfect lady

Category: FALC

  • A Free Spirit.

    What I hadn't considered is that our Conscience is created, that we don't come with a natural conscience; it is built into us. 

    I looked up the definition of Conscience and one that struck me was, " the nontechnical term for the moral faculty of the mind, corresponding roughly to the superego.

    Who knew that the conscience was in your mind.  I somehow believed the conscience was nestled up with my heart…and was the soul talking.

    Religion often references a 'guilty conscience'…and somehow we don't dissect it to find out what is guilty and why.

    As I have become more and more spiritual, I have felt much less guilt.  

    Removing my conscience has been a long process, for so much of my sense of self was caught up in it.  I acted in accordance to my conscience out of fear of reprisals. I didn't act out of love…but dodged punishment.

    The life lived by swerving punishment is not a life well lived.  It is survival and being an endless victim under the power of authority of your conscience.  You are not free.

    In order to remember how to spell Conscience.  I had to break it down to Con Science.  It is to con science, to fake it out…to rob our natural state of being.

    My experience of my conscience was to live under the rule of a mental mind…I called her my mental lady.  

    While under her rule and total manipulations, I didn't realize I was totally off base from my natural state of being…I lived in blind faith and was guided like the blind, with her leading the way…a superego.

    She would talk me through my life, telling me what I must and must not do…and what punishment awaited me if I dared go astray.

    While under the influence of a superego you pretty much are a prisoner of it…you are kept in line by fear and guilt.

    The collapse of my superego left me standing in my life aghast at how little of my life I was free in…or how little of me there was in my life.  I was pure conscience.

    Pure conscience is to live without a soul, spirit or Self…to be totally under the spell of a mental mind. 

    To me, being part of a strict religious group, like the FALC, is to join with like minds.  To construct consciences of similar values and morals.  But the contents have nothing to do with your soul…and everything to do with the mind.

    Imagine religions build consciences…and call it the way to Heaven.

    It is the perfect recipe for hell.

    Without a conscience you are in heaven…a free Spirit.

     

     

     

  • Being without a Conscience.

    Gary Zukav writes about the difference between Conscience and Integrity in his book, Spiritual Partnerships.  

    "Integrity and conscience both present themselves as guides through your life, however, they are distinctly different guides, and they take you to distinctly different places.  Conscience takes you where your culture, parents or peers want you to go.  It also discourages you from visiting places that have not been approved by them. When you ignore your conscience you feel guilty and remorseful, as though you have betrayed a trust or disappointed an expectation.  In fact, your collective expects certain behaviors from you, but it also does more than that. It imposes nonnegotiable demands."

    Conscience tells you when you have ignored a nonnegotiable demand or you are thinking about ignoring one, for example, "Don't lie" ( or "Thou shalt not lie," if you speak archaically).  Even thinking about ignoring such a demand (command) activates conscience.  You feel guilty at the least and terrified, a failure, and condemned to endless pain at worst.  These are the experiences of frightenend parts of your personality.  In other words, conscience and fear are the same. Conscience is the painful anticipation of painful punishment. The demands of every collective, no matter how different in content, are all starkly black-and-white, either-or, this or that. Conscience guides you to the painful fear of pain and the painful need to avoid pain. That is its function.  It insures that you conform to commands decreed by others or suffer punishments decreed by others."

    "Psychologists call this "internalizing" an authority.  You are not the authority. You are controlled by the authority.  Even if the authority is absent, even it it no longer exists (as in the case of a deceased parent), you are controlled by the authority.  If you disobey a command and you think that you will never be caught, you still live in the fear (pain) of being caught (and punished).  You punish yourself until you are punished by others.  The authority takes up residence inside of you as your "conscience", and you experience it as fear. Awareness of your conscience and awareness of your frightened parts of your personality are identical."

    "Five-sensory humans feel "out of integrity" when they violate a collective demand.  Multi-sensory humans feel "out of integrity" when they do something that they know is generated by fear instead of love.  They feel "in integrity" when they act in love, with compassion and wisdom…"  

    "You can not know in advance what integrity will require of you.  If you need to speak to keep yourself from feeling uncomfortable, to show people that you are there, or to control the conversation, and you are aware of it, integrity requires not speaking.  If speaking in a group intimidates you or you think that what you have to say is not important, and you are aware of it, integrity requires speaking.  Each interaction brings its own healing potential.  Integrity calls you to that potential.  If you ignore it you feel unsettled, on the "wrong track," or wanting to choose again.  If you answer the call you feel at ease and content with the path that you have chosen."

    "Conscience imposes itself upon you.  Integrity calls to you.  Conscience demands that you listen to frightened parts of your personality and obey them.  Integrity requires listening to loving parts of your personality and honoring them.  Conscience takes you where others want you to go.  Integrity takes you where your soul wants you to go." Gary Zukav

    What my religion called conscience or taught us about conscience were really all the collective fears of the adults or elders of the church, imposed upon us.  The sins and then punishment to hell all became embedded in us and drove our lives.  Steering by conscience to be steered by the collect authority in our upbringing.  

    I used to say "Let your conscience be your guide…."  Now, I know what I was saying was to do what the masses needed you to do. NOT to do as your soul decreed.

    I love how he breaks this down.  Integrity it seems to me is to go against the authority rules, to openly and defiantly oppose the conscience.  I know this is absolutely true.  For I had to walk in direct opposition of my conscience to be with my truth.  Freedom is to get out from underneath your inner ruler, called conscience.

    Living with integrity is the new definition of being without a conscience.  

     

     


  • It is Peaceful

    Chapter 12, Spiritual Partnership.  I love this about the Diamond Scale.

    "My father owned a jewelry store in a small town in Kansas.  Somewhere in his career he acquired an antique diamond scale.  My mother kept it on a shelf of our family room bookcase.  I hardly noticed it until after he passed on.  When I did, I was impressed by its quality and elegance.  The scale itself was enclosed in a handmade glass and mahogany case.  The front panel slid up to allow access to the elegant instrument.  Its simplicity and beauty made it a work of art for me.  Two brass trays, each suspended from an arm poised on a brass column with a fulcrum at the top, balanced one another perfectly. A long needle-thin pointer, attached to the beam from which the trays hung, descended straight down the full length of the column to the base where vertical markings on a small brass plate showed its slightest deviation from center."

    "Below the enclosure was a miniature wooded drawer made with the same care. The drawer contained a small block of wood with small holes of different sizes drilled into it.  In each hole a miniature metal weight , molded into the form of a tiny cylinder with a pharmacy-style knob at the top, fit perfectly.  A delicate pair of tweezers lay beside the block, and were used to place a diamond onto one of the trays and weights onto the other, one at a time, until the needle again pointed directly downward to center. If too many weights were added to bring the trays into balance again, or too few the discrepancy was immediately evident."

    "When both trays were empty, they were level with one another. When a diamond was placed on one tray and its precise weight was placed in the other, they became level again.  Only then, at the point of perfect balance, did the long needle point vertically and precisely downward.  When either tray was above or below the other, the imbalance was obvious.  Perhaps a digital scale could weigh the diamond more precisely, but it would require calibration to insure accuracy.  My father's scale does not have this problem.  The trays are in perfect balance , full or empty, or they are not.  If they are, balance is evident.  If they are not, so it the imbalance."

    "Equality is like that.  It exists or it doesn't.  In order to see if you feel equal with another person, picture yourself on one tray of an imaginary diamond scale that is large enough to hold people, and picture another person on the other tray.  If the trays are level, you are equal. If they are not, you are unequal.  Your weight and the weight of the other person does not affect the positions of the trays as they would on a real scale.  For example, you may discover that when you put a child on the other tray, your tray surprisingly, goes up as the the child weighs more than you, or that when you put someone who is heavier than you on the other tray your tray goes down as though you weigh more."

    "That is because when you feel superior your tray is always higher than the other tray ( you look down on that person). For example, people who feel superior to their children, or to children in general, always find that their tray is higher when a child is placed on the other tray.  These people feel more worthy, important, and valuable than the child (even if they feel that they love the child).  People who feel superior in general (or entitled) live on a tray that is always higher regardless of who is on the other tray (for example, a parent or a colleague).  On the other hand, people who feel inferior (for instance, need to please) find themselves on the lower tray no matter who is on the other tray (even an abusive partner or insensitive employer).  They look up to everyone."

    "The slightest experience of superiority or inferiority upsets the balance, and one tray sinks below or rises above the other.  The scales always shows your balance (equality) or imbalance (inequality). It is your personal scale.  It does not show you the experience of others.  They have their own scales.  What they see on their scales is for them. What you see on your scale is for you."

    "I often discover that my scale is out of balance, no matter how shocked I am at each discovery. The more I explore the frightened parts of my personality, the more I see how superior some of them feel toward women, people who are older, people who are younger, and people who believe, speak or appear differently than I do.  Some of the frightened parts of my personality feel that they have no equal in creation, an extraordinarily arrogant (frightened) and inaccurate perception, but not to them.  It is a jolt to me to find that they are prejudiced in ways that I abhor, but they exist and until I became aware of them, I could not challenge them and they determined my actions."

    "As you become aware of the different parts of your personality, you may discover that your scale is out of balance as frequently as I discovered mine to be, but perhaps in different ways.  For example, you may discover a frightened part of your personality that also feels it has no equal in creation, but in the opposite way – it feels inferior to all of creation.  It does not want to take up space in the world or be seen, and it subordinates itself to everyone and everything. It cannot imagine feeling other than inferior (although, in fact, it actually feels superior to individuals who feel superior!)."

    "Inferiority and superiority are experiences of frightened parts of your personality.  Some situations activate frightened parts of your personality and feel inferior, and others stimulate frightened parts of your personality that feel superior. For example, when you put someone on a pedestal (idolize her) you feel inferior to that person, but when she fails to meet your expectations (this always happens) she falls off the pedestal (you feel superior to her).  The idol and pedestal are your creations. When you see your idol as a person like you, one illusion (you are inferior) disappears and another illusion (you are superior) replaces it.  On the other hand, if you discover that someone you did not consider important (for example a homeless person) can be very helpful to you (he is actually an eccentric billionaire), the reverse happens.  The illusion that you are superior (he does not warrant your attention) is replaced by the illusion that you are inferior (your attention is drawn to him magnetically)."

    "I was wearing work clothes while speaking with a contractor who was helping Linda and me improve our beautiful home when a subcontractor walked up and abruptly interrupted me to speak with the contractor. When the contractor introduced me as the "property owner," his behavior suddenly and dramatically changed.  He turned his full attention toward me, smiled charmingly, and extended his hand. Disregard turned into deference; one frightened part of his personality replaced another when he discovered that I was a potential employer instead of a laborer. He did not think in terms of frightened parts of the personality, but the frightened parts of his personality shaped his perception and behavior first one way and then another."

    "Sometimes when I meet someone who has something I want, or I think can help me get what I want, I find myself engaging that person more than others, being more friendly, more available, and more interested in him or her. The tray I am on goes down, and the tray the person is on goes up.  I feel inferior and I look up to him or her. The opposite also happens.  Sometimes when I meet someone I think cannot help me in any way, I find myself less interested in that person, less available, and more distant in general. The tray I am on goes up, and the tray that person is on goes down.  I look down on him or her.  I feel superior.  In this case, I usually see things about the person that I admire (judge her positively), and in the second case I often see things about the person that I don't like or approve (judge her negatively).  In both cases, I fail to see him or her as a soul."

    "These are experiences of inequality. In other words, they occur only when frightened parts of my personality are active. Frightened parts of the personality assess the external power of others and compare it with their own.  When a frightened part of our personality calculates that it has more power (ability to manipulate and control), you feel safe and valuable (superior), and your tray rises. When it calculates that it has less, you feel threatened and less valuable (inferior), and your tray sinks."

    "Feeling superior or feeling inferior is a message to you that a frightened part of your personality is active and determining your sensations, thoughts, perceptions, and intentions.  Your scale (if your picturing it) reflects this."  Gary Zukav

    What I love about this is that we each have our own inner scale and we can tell how balanced we are by how we feel inside among various people.

    I know that in the past my scales was extremely off.  I was either very superior and vastly inferior, but seldom or rarely was I ever an equal.

    It has taken me many years to balance my inner scales…and there are and will be more situations where I will have to work to find the inner balance.

    Raising my children up to a point where we are equals was huge. And even more so, raising myself up to my parents as an equal even more important.  The tricky part is not to overcompensate and then become superior, but to see them always as equals.

    "There but the grace of God go I…" comes to mind.

    To balance the scales often times I have to back up and take a full life review…and see the similarities of the journey.

    We all weigh the same…we just perceive us as different. 

    I was taught as in church, that we were special, the one and only right way, so that immediately plunge everyone else beneath me.  I was also raised to be inferior to my parents and actually all elders…and then being a victim of abuse, again lower on the scales. 

    All my beliefs were with an imbalanced scale inside of me….and it was projected as normal. I bounced high or low…but never felt on an equal ground.

    I guess a well adjusted person is one whose scale trays are always balanced, no matter what situation or person they find themselves standing with.

    I may not be completely balanced, but I do know that there is a balance and what it feels like to be there…when I am there, it is peaceful.

  • Lies Control You.

    "Beauty is Truth, Truth Beauty – that is all you know on earth, and all you need to know."  John Keats

    And Mark Nepo writes, "This is "all you need to know."  Beauty, wherever we find it, is the salve that keeps us vital and fresh.  But Truth, in its uncompromised and naked story, no matter how harsh, has a Beauty all its own that is cleansing."

    "This is why we must remember the Holocaust and other atrocities exactly as they were. This is why it is essential to bear honest witness to our own naked stories."

    "Still, as wise as the message he came upon is, there is an equal lesson in how young Keats came upon it.  For only by voicing our tender pains can we find our way to the deeper Beauties and Truths that like ropes and wheels can carry us."  Mark Nepo

    Truth, in its uncompromised and naked story, no matter how harsh, has a Beauty all its own that is cleansing."

    What I love the most about the truth, is that it is uncompromising and in that alone, it cleanses me…it is the most beautiful part of the truth, is that it is unrelenting.  And it is the Truth, and it doesn't need anyone to believe it to make it so.  It just is.

    Don Miguel Ruiz and Janet Mills write about Common Sense, in their book, "The Voice of Knowledge".

    "Common Sense exists in all of us, but we cannot see it with our attention focused on the lies we believe."

    "Lies make everything complicated, when the truth is very simple.  I think now is the time to return to the truth, to common sense, to the simplicity of life itself.  Now we know that the lies are so powerful that they blind us. Well, the truth is so powerful that when we finally return to the truth, our entire reality changes. Truth brings us back to paradise, where we experience a strong communication of love with God, with life, with all of creation."

    "When you release your faith from all the lies, the result is that you free your will.  And when your will is free, you can finally make a choice. The voice in your head gives you the illusion that you can make a choice, that you have free will.  Well, do you really believe that it's your conscious choice to hurt yourself, to make yourself suffer, to reject and abuse yourself?  How can you say that you have free will when you choose to hurt the people you love, when you judge your partner or make them miserable with your judgement?"

    "Just imagine if you really have free will, which is the power to make your own choices. Do you really choose to sabotage your own happiness or your own love?  Do you choose to judge yourself, to blame yourself, to live your life in shame and in guilt?  Do you choose to believe that you are bad, that you are not beautiful, that you don't deserve to be happy or healthy or prosperous because you are not worth it? Do you choose to constantly fight with the people you love the most?  If you have free will, you choose the opposite. I think it is obvious that our will is not free."

    "When you put your faith in truth instead of in lies, your choices change. When your will is free, your choices come from your integrity, not from the program, that liar in your head.  Now you believe whatever you want to believe, and when you have the power to believe whatever you want, something very interesting happens. What you want is to love. You don't want anything else but love because you know that what is not love is not the truth!"

    "When your will is free, you choose happiness and love and peace and harmony.  You choose to play; you choose to enjoy life. You no longer choose drama.  If in the present moment you are choosing drama, it's because you have no choice; it's a habit. It's because you were programmed to be that way, and you don't even know that you have the power to make a different choice. Something else in your head is making the choice, and it's the voice of the liar. Just like the man in the movie A Beautiful Mind, whose visions made the choices for him, your voice is making the choices for you."

    "Why would we consciously decide to have a fight with our parents or our children or our beloved?  It's not that we want to fight. You know, when we are children and we gather with other children, it's because we want to have fun and enjoy life.  When we grow up and decide to get into a relationship – mainly a romantic relationship – is it because we want to create emotional pain and drama?  No, common sense tells us that we want to play together; we want to have fun exploring life together.  But the Prince of Lies who controls the voice of knowledge represses our common sense."

    "Common Sense is wisdom, and wisdom is different from knowledge.  You are wise when you no longer act against yourself. You are wise when you live in harmony with yourself, with your own kind, with all of creation."

    "Right now you have a choice.  What are you going to do with this information?  What happens if you don't believe in lies?  Take a moment to put your attention on your feelings, to feel all of the possibilities for your life if your faith is no longer blind.  If you recover your faith from lies, your suffering is over, your judgments are over. You no longer live with guilt, with shame and anger, with jealousy.  You no longer have the need to be good enough for anybody, including yourself. You accept what you are, whatever you are, even if you don't know what you are.  And you don't care to know anymore. It's not important to know, and that is wisdom."

    "Just imagine that because you don't believe in lies, your whole life changes.  You live your life without trying to control everybody around you,  and your integrity doesn't allow anybody to control you. You no longer jduge other people or need to complain aobut whatever they do because you know you can't control what people do.  Just imagine that you choose to forgive whoever hurt you in your life because you no longer want to carry all that emotional poison in your heart. And just by forgiving everybody, even yourself, you heal your mind, you heal your heart, and you no longer have emotional pain."

    "Just imagine that you recover the power to make your own choices because you no longer believe the storyteller. You enjoy life with plentitude, with inner peace, with love.  Imagine how you treat your partner, how you treat your children, what you teach the new generation, if you no longer believe in lies.  Just imagine the change in the whole of humanity out of something so simple; not believing in lies."  Don Miguel, Janet Mills.

    I have lived completely blind with my faith tucked securely behind the lies; believing in that which wasn't true and it hurt and many suffered because of my blindness.  And for some reason, I was granted awareness to see the lies.  Unless you can spot a lie, you will not be able to see the truth. And when you can't see the truth, the lies control you.

     

  • We no longer follow the truth…

    About Faith, from the book, "The Voice of Knowledge" by Janet Mills and Don Miguel Ruiz.  It is a long post, but I love the information in it.  It explains that it is not what we believe, but what we put our faith behind…that steers our worlds.  It isn't what we believe, but that we believe it.

    "Faith is a force that comes from our integrity.  It is the expression of what we really are.  Faith is the power of our creation because we use faith to create our life story and to transform our life story.  Different traditions have called this power by different names.  The Toltec call it intent, but I prefer to call it faith."

    "Let's see if we can understand why our faith is so important. When we talk about faith or intent, we are also talking about the power of the word. The word is pure magic.  It is a power that comes directly from God, and faith is the force that directs that power.  We can say that everything in our virtual reality is created with the word because we use the word for the creation of our story.  Humans have the most wonderful imagination. Beginning with the word, we form a language. With a language , we try to make sense out of everything we experience."

    "First we agree about the sound and meaning of each word. Then just remembering the sound of the words, we can communicate with other dreamers about our virtual reality. We give names to everything we perceive; we choose words as symbols, and these symbols have power to reproduce a dream in our head. For example, just hearing the word horse can reproduce an entire image in our mind. That's how a symbol works. But it can even be more powerful than that.  Just by saying two words, "The Godfather," a whole movie can appear in our mind. The word, as a symbol, has the magic and power of creation because it can reproduce an image, a concept, or an entire situation in our imagination."

    "It is amazing what the word can do.  The word creates images of objects in our mind. The word creates complex concepts. The word evokes feelings.  The word creates every belief that we store in our mind. The structure of our language shapes how we perceive our entire virtual reality."

    "Faith is so important because it is the force that gives life to every word, to every concept that we store in our mind. We can say that life manifests through faith, and that faith is the messenger of life.  Life goes through our faith and then our faith gives life to everything we agree to believe in. Remember, we invest our faith by making an agreement.  We we agree with a concept, we accept the concept without any doubt, and the concept becomes a part of us. If we don't agree with the concept, our faith is not there, and we don't keep it in our memory. Every concept is alive just because our faith is there, just because we believe in the concept. Faith is the force that holds all of these symbols together and gives sense and direction to the entire dream."

    "If you can imagine every belief, every concept, every opinion is like a brick, then our faith is the mortar that holds the bricks together. The way we start getting these bricks and putting them together is by using our attention.  Humans can perceive millions of things simultaneously, but with our attention we have the power to discriminate and focus only on what we want to perceive. The attention is also the part of our mind that we use to transfer information from person to person.  By hooking someones attention, we create a channel of communication, and through that channel we can send and receive information.  This is how we teach, and this is how we learn."

    "As I have said, our parents hook our attention and teach us the meaning of words; we agree, and we learn a language.  Through language, the word, we start to build the edifice of knowledge. Together, all of our beliefs form a structure that tells us what we believe we are. The Toltec call this shape that our mind takes the human form. The human form is not the form of our physical body. The human form is the structure of our personal Tree of Knowledge.  It is everything we believe about being human; it is the structure of our whole story. This structure is almost as solid as our physical body because our faith makes it rigid."

    "You call yourself a human, and that is what makes you a human. Your faith is invested in your story – mostly in the main character of your story – and that is the main problem. The most powerful part of you your faith, is invested in the liar who lives in your head. Through your faith, you give life to all of those lies. The result is the way you live your life in the present moment because you have faith in the main character of your story.  This means that you believe in what you believe you are without any doubt. The rest is jut action-reaction. Every habit is a setup for you to perform the role of your main character."

    "The storyteller has power over you because you have faith in the story that it tells you.  Once you support the story with your faith, it doesn't matter whether the story is the truth or not the truth.  You believe it; you are done. Thy will be done. That is why Jesus said that if you have just a little faith you can move mountains.  Humans are powerful because we have a strong faith; we have the capacity to believe strongly, but where is our faith invested?  Why do we feel that we have hardly any faith?  I can tell you that it's not true that we have so little faith.  Our faith is strong and powerful, but our faith is not free. Our faith is invested in all of the knowledge in our head.  It is trapped in the structure of our Tree of Knowledge."

    "The structure is what really controls the dream of our life because our faith lives in that structure.  Our faith is not in the voice of our story, and it's not in our reasoning mind. Just because we say, "I will succeed," doesn't mean that our faith follows the words.  No, there may be another belief that is stronger and deeper, and that belief is telling us, "You will not succeed." And that is what happens.  It doesn't matter what we do; we fail."

    "That is why you cannot change yourself just by wishing to change.  No, you need to really challenge what you believe you are, especially the beliefs that limit the expression of your life.  You need to challenge every belief that you use to judge yourself, to reject yourself, to make yourself little."

    "I remember one of my apprentices asking me, "Miguel, why is it so difficult to change my beliefs?"  And I told him, "Well, you understand the concept that what you believe you are is not the truth; it's a story.  You understand that very well, but you don't believe it. And that is what makes the difference. If you really believe it, if your faith is there, then you change."

    "So yes, it is possible to change what we believe, to recreate the dream of our life, but first we need to free our faith.  And there is only one way to free our faith, and that is through the truth. The truth is our sword, and it's the only weapon we have against the lies. Nothing but the truth can free the faith that is trapped in the structure of our lies. But with our faith invested in the lies, we no longer see the truth.  The lies blind our faith, the power of our creation."

    "Blind faith is a powerful concept.  When our faith is blind, we no longer follow the truth…" Don Miguel Ruiz

  • Like Prison.

    "When you are unaware of your choices, you remain in fear. When you are aware of your fear, you are able to choose differently.  You are able to inject consciousness into an otherwise unconscious process and change it."  Gary Zukav

    The very basic level of any or all dysfunction is the place we stand called No Choice.  

    We are being controlled by the simple fact that we are not given a choice.  It isn't so much where we are  or what is happening, but the fact that we don't have a choice.  Fear to me means having no choice.  

    My night terrors had me frozen unable to move.  To me that is the ultimate fear, unable to freely move my body, let alone control my own mind.  

    As I look back upon my childhood; it stripped away all my choices and had me living as a good follower a choice-less being.  I did that well…and then worked to take the choices away from my children…continuing the legacy.

    I believe, no matter what situation you are stuck in, it is because you have not given your self the option of options. 

    What I grew to do, was to find peace and acceptance and learned to enjoy the spot of no choice.  

    In some ways, it is an easier way to live and truly is a blameless state for your self.  You are free from being responsible for your own life. Response Able….you are unable to respond or even know that there is a different way.  You just simply put up no resistance to being without a choice.

    Not a hard way to live….you only have one way of being in the world…and are not even aware of the land that has two choices or multiple choices.  

    I was taught or led to believe that this one choice way was the only way to heaven. It was a peaceful life…or is peaceful UNLESS you try to bring in a new way, another choice.  

    Fear truly is being unaware of your choices.  My intentions now are to live in the land of choices.  Perhaps I can now visualize how the wild horse must feel being put in the land of being powerless, without a choice…it looks like prison.

     

     

  • Find Their Way Here.

    "If I had experienced different things, I would have different things to say."  Mark Nepo

    I loved yesterday's reading…I know what he means.

    "So often, I have felt troubled and guilty bearing witness to my pain, and yet, not to make things worse.  Somehow, in saying just what Mother had done in her cruel need to be the center, or just what Father couldn't do out of his fear of facing my mother; somehow telling the truth as I know it makes me feel like a bad person – as if I'm making my pain up, as if I'm hurting others by saying bad things about them."

    "But the unshakable bottom of all this is that I'm not making things up.  If I have unkind things to say, it's because I have experienced unkind things. And so, my only guide in this witnessing is to be accurate and honest.  While I am not a victim, I didn't ask for certain shaping experiences to happen to me.  I didn't ask to be slapped or ridiculed as a boy or to be mistreated by lifelong friends later in life.  In truth, If I had experienced different things, I would have different things to say."

    "What is most healing about bearing witness to things exactly as they are, including my own part in my pain, is that when the voice of pain fits the pain, there is no room for distortion or illusion.  In this way, truth becomes a clean bandage that heals, keeping the dirt out of the wound."

    "To voice things as they are is the nearest medicine."  Mark Nepo

    I was raised, "If you don't have anything nice to say, say nothing at all."  That not nice things were not to be talked about.  Which leaves the abuse out of the picture or any negative experience.  

    Where then is it okay to talk about unkind things? 

    I had a profound visual with two blogs by one person.  How one blog only had the "Nice things to say" while the other seemed to delve into to unkind behaviors of others…like there is a need to keep the two blogs separated.

    It brought a clear visual for me to see how my mother kept a clean and kind blog, while behind the scenes unkindness happened, but it never made it to her blog page/life.

    That our unkind treatment from our father had no place in my mother's idyllic life.  It would mar the otherwise beautiful large family picture she was painting.  Where my father was a hardworking provider for his family, who never asked for nothing.

    If you are silent about the Unkind things, your blog/life would look picture perfect.  

    My mother's life had no room for any negative talk about my father. Which left us no place to go. Our wounds did not fit into her picture perfect family. His negative treatment wasn't allowed, let alone hers. 

    I know that my mother kept separated our sexual abuse, it belonged on another blog, not the every day blog, but a special one that was rarely visited and you didn't want to stay there long and it was 'private', you didn't air this out to everyone.  Abuse doesn't go on the every day blog…it is to be hidden off to the side.  So hidden that no one talked about it, ever.  Until someone broke the rule and spoke up and said, "unkind" things about an unkind experience with my father.

    His and her negative blogs then were revealed.

    I had lived my whole life working for her daily family blog, not realizing that she had a secret, that I had a secret abuse blog going on as well.  And my life actually made sense when you blended the two.  

    I became totally normal when the two blogs collided.

    What is so key, is that the truth lies in both blogs, but the two blogs shall never meet each other. This is a great visual of disassociation or denial…or in my experience the FALC way. 

    The unkind things go to the blog called, "Forgiveness of Sins"…you speak of it , and then segregate them to another space.

    When she forbid us to bring abuse to her daily blog, she left the real me out.  I wasn't able to be myself in her world.  

    What I have been determined to do was to combine both blogs and make them me.  That is the true representation of me.  

    As I look upon this blog, it is mostly about the things my mother kept hidden…I speak of abuse, of unkind experiences, the things that usually are kept off the daily blogs…find their way here.  

     

  • Without you asking, “Why?”

    Gary Zukav writes about intentions in his book, "Spiritual Partnerships; The Journey to Authentic Power.

    "Intention means different things to five-sensory individuals that it does to multisensory individuals.  Five-sensory individuals think of intentions in terms such as "to get a new job."  Multisensory individuals go deeper.  They ask, "Why do I intend to get a new job?"  One reason might be, for example, "to make more money" (other reasons might be to have more prestige, work closer to home, or have a greater sense of meaning), and they keep asking until they find their real reason.  Their quest for the deepest Why leads them to their actual intention.  For example, a parent may intend to make more money in order to send her child to college.  Beneath this intention lie deeper intentions.  One parent may intend to send her child to college because she feels obligated, her family expects it, or her neighbor's children are going to college.  Another may intend to expose her child to languages, cultures, and disciplines that will stimulate her creativity and passion.  These are different intentions, and they will create different consequences."

    "The Why beneath the Why (and sometimes the Why beneath that, etc) is the intention that creates the consequences.  That is the Why that determines the experience of your life.  The parent who sends her child to college to make her (the parent) feel better about herself, as a good as her neighbors or to avoid family disapproval is concerned about herself. The parent who supports her child with the gift of education is concerned about her child.  One is taking and the other is giving.  One is motivated by fear, and the other is motivated by Love.  Both parents set into motion the Universal Law of Cause and Effect and the Universal Law of Attraction and therefore, create different consequences with their intentions. The first parent will experience the pain of discovering that someone she loves is using her for his or her own well being (Universal Law of Cause and Effect) and will attract to her people with hidden agendas (Universal Law of Attraction). The second parent will experience the joy of being cared fro without conditions (Universal Law of Cause and Effect) and will draw to herself people who are concerned for her (Universal Law of Attraction)."

    "To the five-sensory perception, these actions are identical – a parent sends a child to college.  Without knowing the intention beneath the action, however, it is not possible to know the consequence that the action will create.  When I first learned to ski, I would carry my skis on my shoulder with the short ends in front of me and the long ends with the tips behind. However, I soon learned how dangerous that was because I kept forgetting how far the tips extended. When I turned, they swung around fast, causing people to duck and lunge out of the way (and complain).  Not knowing your intentions is like carrying long skis on your shoulder into a china shop. Every time you turn, something behind you breaks and you can't see what caused the damage, but you are responsible for it." 

    "Using your creative power without knowing your intentions is like driving a car with a windshield painted black.  You travel, but you do not know where.  You expect to arrive at a destination, but when you get out of the car (or the car crashes into something), you discover that where you thought you were going and where you went are different.  If you have a need to please people, for example, you will be surprised (and probably have been many times) to discover that they eventually push you away.  When your intention is to see a smile or be appreciated in order to feel safe and valuable (this is the pursuit of external power), you will always feel the pain of rejection when you see a frown instead or your efforts are not appreciated. Eventually (or immediately) you will feel abused.  Your compulsive efforts to please have a price, and when it is not paid, you become angry.  You expect to arrive at appreciation, but your arrive instead at rejection and anger – a very different destination."

    "Most people drive with their windshield painted black, for example, the husband provides his wife with home and security and then becomes angry when she does not provide him comfort and sex on demand.  Like my friend who thought he loved his dog but became enraged when it failed to meet his expectations (hidden agendas), the husband reached a different destination (frustration, anger and pain) than the one he anticipated (domestic bliss).  If you think your windshield is clear, ask yourself how many times you have felt angry, or at least miffed, when someone dismissed a gift that you gave, or there it away. (Another sweater? I've got one already and you know I don't like brown.") Those experiences always signal the presence of an intention that you were not aware of, one that is different from the intention you thought you held."

    "This is a common misconception what the healthiest intentions is to "feel good."  The addict in the ally injects heroin because it makes him feel good, but it is not making him healthy or even getting him out of the alley.  On the other hand, the alcoholic who has just stopped drinking is in excruciating pain, but is becoming healthy. The healthy intention is never to pursue external power. Intending to get attention, for example, with a fast or opulent car, gorgeous spouse, beautiful home, expensive jewelry, ideal life (or anything else) because you feel inadequate, invisible, and powerless without it will not take you where you want to go when your destination is a life of more meaning and less emptiness, more joy and less pain, more love and less fear."

    " That life is the potential, and also the evolutionary requirement of, multisensory humans, and all humans are becoming multisensory or soon will be. The casual connections between us are more than physical. We influence another and all of Life with our choices of intention, with our choices of intention we transform our experiences from fear to love (or not), and our world from brutal  to compassionate (or not). We are each ultimately responsible for the well-being of all that is.  The pursuit of external power is the set of initial conditions that always creates harsh weather. the more we think of ourselves as invisible or powerless, the more we wield our creative power irresponsibly. (and create painful consequences). The more we blame others for our experiences, envy them, or rage at them or ourselves, the more painful consequences we create.  The emergence of multisensory perception is a dawn unlike any before, and the rising sun is illuminating a new set  of initial conditions that always and everywhere creates the best of all weather." Gary Zukav 

    What I didn't know is that there were many levels of Whys behind the surface intention or action. That there are literally piles of Whys we need to ask to get to rock bottom. And the rock bottom is covered up, unless you ask "Why?".

    However, you could really work this backwards and see your destination.  If you don't like where you are, it means the why beneath your intentions drove you there without you asking, " Why?"

  • Being Raised not to Follow.

    I met my polar opposite yesterday, the opposite end of the spectrum, a woman who left her childhood completely empowered.

    Two completely different upbringings and their outcomes.  

    Her parents made choices that gave her power and kept her mind free of fairy-tales and lies.  Mine was deluged in illusions.  We had to live out their intentions.

    The two of us…one trained to follow and give up her mind, the other was groomed to keep it clear, wide open and self discerning.  A huge and profound impact on how we entered into the grown-up world.

    Between the two of us, who would be more susceptible to grooming and luring of predators?  Which one had a firm grasp on her self and self confidence?

    I didn't even know I was allowed to be a self…I was a part of a bunch. Take the rest away and I didn't know how to move on my own.  My actions always visited the churches beliefs first, my mother second, my husband third and or someone, before a choice was made.  I didn't know how to make one on my own, for my Self…She had no church to appease or others, and was made to think on her own.

    She mirrored to me just how confined I was by her total freedom.  I can appreciate her wide open upbringing and wonder can she even visualize mine…to even gain a morsel of true understanding.

    Can you even know what it feels like to be whittled down to zero if you have always been given wide berth to be yourself? Can a wild horse appreciate the confines of a barn and fence?

    I have had the privilege to have lived on both sides…to experience the differences.  Yet somehow I can see how she has been 'offered' the choice to go into the barn and has refused…preferring the open space.

    Seeing the two of us, one raised as a wild and free person and the other with someone holding my reins, steering me, and using me for their use.  A work horse and a wild free one.

    I ran away into the land she was raised in. 

    And yet didn't know how to roam free.

    Just has hard as it would be to get her acclimated to the barn, it was equally hard to become accustomed to having no reins.

    She wasn't introduced to religion until she was 16. She had to take a college course on religion to learn about them all.  She then saw them with a well defined sense of self and reality and they were seen with a much clearer eye than say mine….I was introduced by being submerged into it, never having lived outside of it.  There wasn't a choice.

    Can you imagine introducing a 16 year old to religion; to take away their free spirit and put it in a barn?  Imagine if it was illegal to speak to children about religion until they turned 16.  Religions would dry up…and spirituality would bloom.

    Not only was I kept on a short leash, but abused.  It was like my course was powerlessness, while her's was empowerment.  I had to fight my way to the place her parents kept her.

    Just as she didn't have a choice but to follow her free spirits, I had no choice but to live in the barn.

    Yet somehow, I believed I wanted to be in the religion that it was my choice, when in fact, I was born in captivity. It was my comfort place, and the lands outside the barn were places to fear or at the very least seemed foreign and uncomfortable.

    Interesting we both felt at home on opposite ends of the spectrum…and I would have lived there forever, If something within me didn't begin to get restless….yearning for something, I just didn't know what.

    It was as if the land of wide open mind space was calling me. And I am not certain I would have made the leap, if my barn if you will, didn't explode.  If my illusions were not exposed…everything collasped and I was left standing in an open field.

    And it took me many years to find my way, my self, and my power.

    I just get left with the total different mindset our parents had…to empower or keep powerless.  Her life was lived completely different based upon the intentions of her parents. 

    Two different journey's of empowerment…one was taught from birth and one was discovered when the illusion fell apart.  Her parents never lied to her, and mine lived out their lies…raising me in a non-reality based childhood, while hers was the total opposite.  It was an amazing encounter…I had never met anyone raised so free.

    Imagine being allowed to be yourself or actually be forced to be yourself, find and live your own truth! Being raised not to follow…

     

     

     

     

     

  • Being Raised not to Follow.

    I met my polar opposite yesterday, the opposite end of the spectrum, a woman who left her childhood completely empowered.

    Two completely different upbringings and their outcomes.  

    Her parents made choices that gave her power and kept her mind free of fairy-tales and lies.  Mine was deluged in illusions.  We had to live our their intentions.

    The two of us…one trained to follow and give up her mind, the other was groomed to keep it clear, wide open and self discerning.  A huge and profound impact on how we entered into the grown-up world.

    Between the two of us, who would be more susceptible to grooming and luring of predators?  Which one had a firm grasp on her self and self confidence?

    I didn't even know I was allowed to be a self…I was a part of a bunch. Take the rest away and I didn't know how to move on my own.  My actions always visited the churches beliefs first, my mother second, my husband third and or someone, before a choice was made.  I didn't know how to make one on my own, for my Self…She had no church to appease or others, and was made to think on her own.

    She mirrored to me just how confined I was by her total freedom.  I can appreciate her wide open upbringing and wonder can she even visualize mine…to even gain a morsel of true understanding.

    Can you even know what it feels like to be whittled down to zero if you have always been given wide berth to be yourself? Can a wild horse appreciate the confines of a barn and fence?

    I have had the privilege to have lived on both sides…to experience the differences.  Yet somehow I can see how she has been 'offered' the choice to go into the barn and has refused…preferring the open space.

    Seeing the two of us, one raised as a wild and free person and the other with someone holding my reins, steering me, and using me for their use.  A work horse and a wild free one.

    I ran away into the land she was raised in. 

    And yet didn't know how to roam free.

    Just has hard as it would be to get her acclimated to the barn, it was equally hard to become accustomed to having no reins.

    She wasn't introduced to religion until she was 16. She had to take a college course on religion to learn about them all.  She then saw them with a well defined sense of self and reality and they were seen with a much clearer eye than say mine….I was introduced by being submerged into it, never having lived outside of it.  There wasn't a choice.

    Can you imagine introducing a 16 year old to religion; to take away their free spirit and put it in a barn?  Imagine if it was illegal to speak to children about religion until they turned 16.  Religions would dry up…and spirituality would bloom.

    Not only was I kept on a short leash, but abused.  It was like my course was powerlessness, while her's was empowerment.  I had to fight my way to the place her parents kept her.

    Just as she didn't have a choice but to follow her free spirits, I had no choice but to live in the barn.

    Yet somehow, I believed I wanted to be in the religion that it was my choice, when in fact, I was born in captivity. It was my comfort place, and the lands outside the barn were places to fear or at the very least seemed foreign and uncomfortable.

    Interesting we both felt at home on opposite ends of the spectrum…and I would have lived there forever, If something within me didn't begin to get restless….yearning for something, I just didn't know what.

    It was as if the land of wide open mind space was calling me. And I am not certain I would have made the leap, if my barn if you will, didn't explode.  If my illusions were not exposed…everything collasped and I was left standing in an open field.

    And it took me many years to find my way, my self, and my power.

    I just get left with the total different mindset our parents had…to empower or keep powerless.  Her life was lived completely different based upon the intentions of her parents. 

    Two different journey's of empowerment…one was taught from birth and one was discovered when the illusion fell apart.  Her parents never lied to her, and mine lived out their lies…raising me in a non-reality based childhood, while hers was the total opposite.  It was an amazing encounter…I had never met anyone raised so free.

    Imagine being allowed to be yourself or actually be forced to be yourself, find and live your own truth! Being raised not to follow…