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In a novel I am listening to, a son of a murder, spoke about carrying the weight of his father.   Saying it was not something you can put down, it is always with you.

I understand this.  

It is like a forever backpack of genetics, patterns, memories, connections…one that cannot be outrun or tossed aside.  It is your history.  Your dark history.

As I walked along I noticed my shadow self and my walk cadence, it was similar to my fathers.  The way one leg sets a tone…by its hitch in the step.

I could see my father in my shadow's movement…his gait was in mine.

Like he walked with me.

Or, I was him.

It was a unsettling to keep catching his walk by my side.

It was to see my past and present walking side by each…

I thought of all that changed and what remained the same.

That I couldn't outdistance my past by creating a new life.

What struck me yesterday is the vast differences between believing in religion and not.  It is similar to believing in family and then not.

Believing in the role; not the person.

Having faith in what a father is….a mother…a sister….a brother.

Believing that family protects family.

Family loves family.

It is a safe zone…always.

These beliefs were shattered by reality.

What then do you do with 'family' that doesn't act like family?

My belief in them didn't make it so.

Or perhaps it did.

IF I would have tried harder to overlook and look beyond their actions and keep them in my mind; I would have a family today.

My mind is no longer a believahead. 

I have seen behind its facade.

The shadow that lingers with me is the mind's pretend life.

What stops me from interacting… is I would be engaging in their thoughts.

Not the person behind the thoughts….but, the thoughts and beliefs.

It is to dance with an illusion.

That is denial.

I no longer can pretend to pretend to pretend that it is family.

The burden I carry is that it isn't family.

It is a group of people who believe in the same illusion.

I may walk like my father….but I carry myself differently.

I want to carry my life, and my choices, so that they will never be a burden to my children and grandchildren.

I want my legacy to be filled with hope, inspiration and overcoming the odds.  

I want my journey to be the beginning of something grand beyond my wildest hopes.

Perhaps his gait will be with me as a reminder to walk differently.

 

 

 

 

 

Religious Holidays and even the ones where we have been taught to pretend there is an Easter Bunny seem very odd to me now. Their tangibility is ungraspable.

When the belief disappears; there is nothing to hold onto.

Knowing that only a belief held it in place makes it even more crazy.

The holiday is a thought.

With other thoughts that hold it in place.

Mostly anchored by your willingness to believe this thought.

These holidays would not exist without your thoughts.

Isn't that odd?

Without speaking about the religious content of Easter or Easter bunny….the day is a day of family and dining.

Of relaxing and enjoying each other.

When a religious person enters….expectations and/or judgment arise.

Their beliefs proceed them into the room.

It appears to overshadow the casual contentment of being.

As hard as it is to believe…beliefs in religious holidays and religion alone for that matter, eclipse the individual and now moment in time.

I am not sure I can even write about my experience of the difference between believing and not believing and how not believing is so much more loving and peaceful and accepting.

The heart that follows the mind is so constricted….compared to the mind that follows the heart.

The difference is very minuscule but vast in how reality appears.

When your life has to follow the pattern of thoughts; it leaves no room for accepting and being in the present.  It has to judge reality up against its mind's expectations and desires.

When you wholeheartedly believe a thought and have a strict belief….you will only see the world through this thought pattern.

Everything else is non-existent.

When faith (belief in thoughts) comes first…all other matters are unseen.

Unfelt.

Untouched.

Family gatherings without thoughts are pure connections.

Pretty dresses and a bowl full of candy….and a sweet soul enjoying this moment in time.

 

"Determined not to repeat her mother's mistakes, Carmen Rita Wong reaches out." O Magazine

When I changed my attitude about sexual abuse, I veered off the path my mother trod.  

I know it seems a no brainer to be enraged and upset about sexual abuse of a child; your own child…but the church taught the opposite.  It preached it from its pulpit. 

Certainly not specifically about sexual abuse; but sin.

"There was no sin too great to forgive…"

They taught the opposite of anger….forgiveness.

In order to be a good christian woman, you had to keep the opposite feelings of anger…"

"the quality of having a friendly and pleasant manner; geniality…and charity."

This one simple and profound belief keeps abusers nestled snuggly within families…and children forever at risk of sexual abuse. No one is angry enough to walk out of families…or God forbid, "Be Unforgiving".

When is anger accepted within the church?  When are you able to 'not forgive'?

Even society at large is not real happy with anger, resentment and rage.

Is there a proper time to be angry?

Why are we so enamored with folks who are victims of violent crimes who hold no grudges against their perpetrators?  We see it at the ultimate act of humanity to be kind to those who are unkind.

It seems insane to me, when you read about the little quotes…"Be kind to unkind people, they need it the most." 

These unkind folks are to do nothing about their unkindness; but we have to be kinder.

Keep being kinder.

Will this make a kinder world?

IF, the loving or charitableness my mother bestowed upon my father cured him of his lust for little girls, then I would agree to kindness.

But all that her kindness did was to allow him free access to little girls for decades.

If the forgiveness of the church cured his lust for little girls, then I too would have agreed to forgiveness.  If its magical energy ended violence and evil I would be the biggest voice for it.

However, in my experience, it is a barrier to reacting appropriately to injustice.

It stops the victims from responding against the act of evil towards them…in their true form.

Fear.

Where else does PTSD come from…but fear of it happening again…or the residual affects of being terrified, horrified and in fear.

When you slap feelings of friendly and pleasant towards the abuser….over your feelings of fear, you are now in denial of your own self.

It is un-natural to feel pleasant and friendly towards someone who rapes you and that is what we are asking when we are asking for the victim to forgive.

Why are we opposed to feelings of anger?

Why are we expecting little children of abuse to not feel feelings of anger….

Which are "a strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure, or hostility,"

Why are we expecting them to continue to love and trust after abuse?

We only expect this for those who were abused within the confines of family.

When a stranger abuses, we don't expect the child to have warm charitable pleasant feelings.

To do different than my mother; was to see the plight of the child.

To do whatever is necessary to distance myself from the abuser and those who support him…

The ones who are the most dangerous are the forgiving charitable folks…for it is their kindness that allows abuse to continue; unheeded.

I had to look up the word "Unheeded" to make sure that made sense.

And, OH does it ever. "heard or noticed but disregarded:"

This is what is so extremely maddening to me.  IS that it is heard, it is Noticed BUT it is disregarded.

What does disregarded mean?

"pay no attention to; ignore."

It is as if, I am the physical manifestation of abuse…and my words, my feelings, my truth are all disregarded.

Amazing in its blindness….the path my mother chose.

Determined not to repeat my mother's mistakes….I chose to see.

To see everything.

In its harshest of realities.

Nothing in reality will I forgive and hide away.

I see, when it makes you uncomfortable.

I see.

 

 

 

 

It is so easy to be righteously upset against abuse over women in far away places and yet when it comes to the oppression of women in our home town religions; very few will rise against it. 

I don't know what to do with this.

Why do we fail to see what is right under our noses, and perhaps where we can affect the most change, and look instead to far horizons?

Why is the plight of women in other countries where our indignations go…as well as money even?

The rampant abuse and its generational legacy within the strict religions are left alone.

Why?

What would it cost to enter into the arena and demand rights for women to own their own bodies?

At what cost to eradicate child abuse or even to support children who stand against families of abuse?

I know how easy it is to hit "like" in support against women's rights.

But how are you, as an individual, standing up for women in your circles of influence?

How are women gaining control over their bodies here in the churches where I come from?

What will it take to make women here turn their attention to the silent cries of themselves and the generation beneath them?

Can a women who comes from oppression or believes in a Faith where women have very little rights, free women in other countries?

I just don't understand how the women within the religions are not seen as victims of the religion and suffer abuse on so many levels…and yet are not worthy, if you will, of outrage.

Is it the shield of religion that protects them from protests?

Does the very religion that oppresses them, keep others silent as well?

I get the plight of women in stress and anguish in so many far places. But, I also understand that there are women right in this small town who can use your influence and focus.

Most folks who I have shared my story with…want to automatically defend religion and family.  Yet both of those places abused me.

A foreign country and strange men abusing women is easy to rise against.  You have no dogs in the fight.  You have nothing to lose…and stand to gain an image of standing against abuse.

But, what if while you are helping women in another country; women in your own religion are suffering the same plight?

Are we then to 'hope' women from another country will come in and help those in our area?

The simplest route is very tough and will require blood, sweat and tears from you. It will require you to question not only your religion and family; but self.

Who am I to look beyond my own fence…

When in my circles are women and children suffering generations of abuse under the cloak of religion/family.

It is to me to the least effort to go as far from home as possible to look at the oppression of women.

The toughest most impacting change that can happen IS to change the legacy within your family tree.

To end the effects of abuse to the generation below you.

Most look at the abuse as the act itself and fail to see the side effects of the way the family and church responds.

It isn't the act of being raped by my father that sent me into denial…but the reaction to it.

My mother's failure to exit her marriage to protect her child.

My mother's failure to exit her religion when it 'forgave the sin'.

My image of what a woman's options are, were set in place by how my mother walked.

How she controlled her body or allowed the church to.

How she held her faith higher than the safety of her children.

What good would it do for me to 'save' a woman in another country; while I continued to walk as my mother did?

Would my children and their children be affected as I sought to help a woman….but, couldn't save myself?   Would staying in a religion whose legacy is to control women and their bodies help my daughters be empowered?

The insanity of 'trying' to help others while still oppressed…baffles me.

I cannot see how a woman who is powerless against her own religion can proclaim to empower anyone or save them or inspire them.

What am I missing?

Is it possible to overlook your own side effects from being raised in a strict religion…and free someone else?

It is to be sitting in prison and telling someone else how to be free.

I feel like I am banging my head on the bars….

The greatest thing a woman can teach her daughters is by being totally free and empowered herself.

If you are being controlled by church and family…you can't stay there and be free.

I don't even believe that most know they are being controlled.

Being in denial of the consequences of the churches oppression of women allows many to not know they are oppressed.

But, a hint is….or a few are;

If you can't use birth control…

If you can't alter your hair, nails, face etc.

If you are told what to do and what not to do….it is control.

It comes back to….can you know freedom IF you never had it?

And, can you free someone from being oppressed and abused…without first freeing you?

 

"Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose."

 

 

 

Speak Your Silence asked "If you had to narrow down your top three most important core values, what would they be?"  

Mine are Truth, Freedom and Self-Empowerment.

A good question to ask, and would we easily recognize yours?

And, are your core values what you are living?

Can they be your core values IF you are not expressing them in your choices?

Isn't what we do the core truth of who we are.

A line in the book "A Man Called Ove" by Fredrik Backman suggested, right is just right.  

As I snowshoed along, I thought on this.

Right is right and truth is truth.  

Two very tough things to live by.

The reason I live by truth…is it is senseless to live by untruths; for the truths are there regardless if we make choices based on them.  And, it is much harder to live by truth than it is to live untruthfully. And, being truthful to yourself and others may be hard, but it is extremely rewarding and a comforting place to be.

And, I believe Love is Freedom. 

Allowing someone to live as they want is the highest form of love.  Not trying to change them or make them do this or that FOR you…is Love.  It also allows you the very same space to be you.   This was my greatest achievement as a wife/mother/friend/sister. You are free to be you.

Free to be you with me or away from me.

Free to make choices that are best for you and not for me.

As I allowed you the freedom to be; it gave me the freedom as well.

Love without freedom isn't love; but being a puppet for another's happiness or love or approval or peace.

What was so interesting for me, was how connected I was to others.  In that my happiness depending upon their behavior and mine on theirs.  When I stopped being their  happiness, peace, love and joy….I found mine.

I then was free to choose who I wanted a relationship with and who I did not.

Which grew my self-empowerment.

If I am unable to do what my self needs are, than I am not empowered; but powerless.

Giving others their power back, gave me mine.

This, I believe is what will correct the victims of abuse…and stop its legacy.

You can't be a victim when you are empowered, free and living your truth.

So many well intentioned folks want to do anything but what is right…when it comes to family.  They lose all power and their freedom…when they ignore truthful acts of abuse.

They become captive to it.

All their choices will be to appease abuse by remaining silent and unresponsive…and become valueless.

I just don't believe you can have value while you value someone who abuses you or those you love. It has to lower you to love them.

I was once told I would lose my children's love and friendship IF I raised my expectations too high. Really?  Isn't it the opposite?

We set the bar by how we live…and our value is created by us, not by another's good opinion of us.

My value's are truth, freedom and self-empowerment.

The opposite of what makes a victim.

If you have a choice…and can freely make it… you are no longer a victim.

 

The lazy mind is something that intrigues me.  It doesn't have to sweat or move like the muscles, and yet it continues to not like to exercise. 

What does it cost the mind when we are active?

And, what does it have to lose when we ignore it?

Is there a payoff for the mind when we are lazy?

I truly don't understand why the mind believes it is a winner when we accomplish nothing in a day.  

There was a time, in the not so distant past, where I thought a good day, was a day where I did very little.  Isn't this very odd thinking?  

Is this normal for all minds?

It puzzles me, how after sleeping for 8 hours, the mind will strongly suggest skipping yoga or exercises and even plans ahead for my free time after work….To DO NOTHING.

I truly don't understand this quirk of my thought processes. 

You would think, that the mind would love to go out and explore and see new things. That it would appreciate a very healthy happy physical body to ride around in.

Is it common for the mind to talk to the body and persuade it to do nothing?

Is the mind trained to think like this or is this thinking passed on from our parent's lazy minds?  

Does an active seeking mind have to be trained?

What is the tipping point where the mind gets excited and cheers on the physically fit body? How many hours/days does a person have to perform before the mind is convinced that THIS active life is by far more exciting and adventurous.

Are we conditioning the mind more than the body when we choose to set physical goals we will attempt to perform?

How long does it take to strengthen the weak mind so that it urges us out of bed and outside?

The weak mind is not my friend….but, I don't know how it was born and how it became such a part of my life?  When did I allow it to become my navigator and decider of what I would do each day?

I guess a huge part of becoming physically active IS to silent or question the weak non-sweating mind.

It acts like IT will be out there breaking trail.  All it truly does, is voice how hard it is, or let's turn around, or that's good enough.  Like a whiney negative friend.

I so want to put distance between me and it.

And, I guess the best way, is to keep doing the opposite of what it says.

I wonder if eventually it will go away and play with someone who isn't outside or concentrating on their yoga postures….or sweating with strength exercises?

I will picture this lazy mind like a very unhealthy friend whose trying to keep me from a life of wild adventure and feeling physically fit.

I guess the more I do, the less I will hear its whine.

 

“A goal without a plan is just a wish.”

Wishing is so easy.  

It doesn't require anything of you.  

You sit in the position of waiting to be fulfilled. 

However, if you plan on reaching a goal, you are involved.  

You are putting yourself in the to the process of creating the outcome you have in mind.

And, in doing this, you have to have confidence in yourself to accomplish the steps needed for the plan to move towards the goal.

What is interesting to me…is how I am excited and afraid of the 100 mile hike.

The two emotions seems to be opposite.

I just read another quote on Facebook "If your goal does not scare and excite you at the same time, the goal is probably too small."

Today I am sitting with my fear of the strength building exercises…the ones I can't do very well…along with the fear of the hike.

While I am excited; I am terrified of not being able to do it.

Not only IT; but the training.  I even am afraid to do the strength exercise alone.  

What came to me, while I colored this afternoon was that I was expecting my weak self to be on the hike.  Or expecting my weak self to do the exercise like a pro.

My view of self and hike and all; was all out of sorts.

All I really have to do is be brave to start.

Be brave to get on the floor and do a plank as long as I can today.

Just do this moment well….and it will build upon itself.

The fear comes when we are not rational with ourselves.

I can't have muscles I have not built.

I can't get confidence until I keep trying them.

Tomorrow morning I am scheduled to do my strength builders.

I will bravely meet myself where I am!

 

 

We had our first pre-hike training last evening; and my weaknesses showed themselves.

My first thoughts were…."I can't …"

It was said that I had balance, but was weak in my core.

So, those are the areas that will need extra attention.

I am in awe of women who have kept their bodies and muscles strong…for years!

This morning in my yoga, I noticed the poses that will work on my weaknesses and felt that they were a gift to me.

How cool….I have movements I can do that will strengthen my body so it will be able to withstand hiking for many miles a day!

For some reason doing yoga became very personal and like I said, A gift to me.

This changes the energy or resistance I had previously.  Also having a goal to work towards.  I simply can't go IF I don't do the work today.

The hike itself is 10 months away and yet each thing I do today will impact it.

It is like the hike began last night.

Yoga, snowshoeing, and strength building exercises will sculpt me into a hiker.

Yep, that is right…a Hiker Lady.

She is beginning from a very floppy, soft and squishy place.

Her form will slowly become defined.

I must push just a bit harder each time I want to sit down, rest or quit.  

It isn't the hiking boots and pack and gear…(which are very important) but the lady beneath it all.

I can't order the correct one; I have to become her.

As I envision the steep climbs, the strength to carry not only me but a full pack, I kick higher; push deeper and breathe.

The body I have now has been perfect for what I have done….but as I increase the adventures I want to experience; I have to increase my muscles.

Getting 'in shape' for the reason of being in shape never interested me.

But, getting in shape to navigate a wilderness hiking trail, for some reason has me moving.

I want a body that can hike with ease.  One who can move without too much difficulty.  One who can do 15 miles or more a day.  Yikes!  I have 10 months to create her

Hiker Lady…work in progress.

 

Often I hear the sentiment – "I am so happy this year is about over….and I certainly hope next year is better."  

It is like they believe the calendar is the problem.  That a lineup of 365 days are going to deliver to you a better year.  That you can just sit back and wait for 'good things' to come.

I am not sure if this same group of people make resolutions or set goals and ponder new accomplishments.  It just feels like they are absent from the equation of whether it will be a better year than the one they are completing.

In my life, for the past many years, the end of a year and the beginning of the next don't hold expectations from me.

Mostly, my life almost feels absent of years.  

The days and passing of years are not what make my life.

My life is made up of moments and new experiences, lessons learned and even the exiting of friends/family…and my personal growth in so many areas.  

The overall picture or tapestry isn't in lines of years.  

It is more in fun moments or huge accomplishments.

As this year ends in a few days…I can look back over my shoulder and see the highlights and feel moments of great joy, fun, new experiences, new friends and deeper relationships and relationships that ended.  All of them have added character to me.

Time put into a string of 365 days is a way to keep track of time.  It isn't there to deliver you happiness.

It isn't going to bring us anything; we don't first put the effort into.

We are the ones who will be dancing upon each day.

What will you be doing?

Who will you be doing it with?

What plans are you making?

Are there new things you want to try?

Is there old things you want to do more of?

It isn't whether we will have a New year; but rather a NEW you?

Will you repeat old choices and expect a different outcome?  

Or are you willing to let go of your old ways to find a new you at the end of this new year?

I love that a few things made my highlights list…are new for me.

Wearing a Tutu 

Getting a tattoo 

Walking 14 miles in one stretch

Being a new Grandma (and I didn't have to do anything for that one)

Giving a talk at Michigan Tech 

Entered a piece of Art for local showcase and got chosen

Entered into a juried Art show and got in

Painted in a class with Art and Mead

Jumped in the water with wedding clothes on

Reached out to an old friend after 30 plus years

Went silent in a relationship…upon request.

To name a few…

Who I am today; a year later with all these new experiences, is a more colorful me. Yet me.

Me with 365 more days gone by…in which some days held really fun moments.

So, my view of the upcoming year is to dare for more experiences I haven't done before AND more of what I love…and do already.

And to be open to all truths in all my relationships.  Dare to be me; always.

Don't expect the year to change you…it can't.

The days pass by from morning to night…it is up to you what you do with your time.

What you say yes to.

How you move and what you do.

I hope when you look back at your string of 365 days you too see some really awesome highlights!

I will be on the lookout for new things, I will dare to try.
I'm excited to see what fun I have next year…what moments will be strung together behind me.  With a few days to go….will one of them make my highlight list?

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Let there be Peace on Earth, and Let it begin with Me…"

As I sit and sip tea on this Christmas morning…before the day begins, I was pondering how peaceful my life is.

Peace didn't come to me.  

It wasn't a place I arrived at.

Someone isn't carrying my peace.

Peace is like happiness…and found inside of you.

Peace is place where you are at one with who you are, and reality.

Peace is to not fight against what is; but to be fully accepting.

I guess you could call it Grace.

On Christmas morning…I am not sitting 'hoping' for a Bright Christmas.  I am filled with bright peace…warm love and joy.

In the past, Christmas was supposed to make me happy, fulfill my dreams and hopes and right the world more or less. It was a day of magic that would correct all the wrongs the year held.  The pressure Christmases of past held…and my hole of anticipation waiting to be filled…were huge; and largely a failure.  For no Christmas could do what I myself had to do.

Peace does begin with you….or end with you.

Each of us is responsible for the energy we bring to Christmas Day…and all the other days of the year.

We are responsible for how we share ourselves.

How we present ourselves and our feelings and emotions with others.

Who we are, and our presence, IS the present at Christmas.

We bring that which is inside of us.

I am at peace this Christmas…

Merry Christmas!