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You simply can't have holidays without family and thinking about family.  Which I believe is why the holidays are so stressful.  It makes you look at what you have or don't have.

There is a joining of two forces; those who are no longer here and those that are.

Clashing inside are the opposing emotions.

Torn by their insistence to be heard.

My mind can easily get drawn into the twisted mess of estrangement; eclipsing the calm beauty of my children and our world.

The christmas carols bring with them ghosts from the past.  The wishes of things being different.  And, I have to keep my focus on the reality at hand. Grateful that I can celebrate the songs; truly.

I do have the silent night, holy night.  

and, peace and love in my relationships.

What I have found is the more rested I am the easier it is to not succumb to the negative slides backwards.   I can breathe in this moment of time.

My lights.

The gifts I will be giving.

My heartfelt wishes of goodwill to men…and women. To have the courage to say and be You!

Merry in your soul!

 

 

I created a quilt yesterday, of ladies in a circle – a women's group.  Which has led me to wonder about why we gather in clumps?

Synonyms to the word group are "category, class, classification, grouping, set, lot, bunch, bracket, type, sort, variety, kind, species, genus, breed."

And, the old adage, "birds of a feather flock together" also comes to mind.

As I dialogued with a sister of long ago, there seemed to be two distinct sides or I guess groups. 

One set has boundaries and the other does not.

Conditions within relationships and then unconditional.

Both believe in their love.

I then wondered about the energies of groups and what groups offer the individual?

And, further, what kinds of groups I am now included in, and what sorts I have left, because my inner rules (boundaries) have changed.

I am very suspect of individuals who have not changed groups in their lifetime.  Can you grow and evolve and learn clumped in the same groups you were born into?

I wonder if there are two kinds of groups; one where the individual IS made to outgrow its boundaries and the other that holds to contain them?

Are there groups that grow and evolve together and then groups that need nothing to change?

Can there be a group of individuals whose strength is their diversity?

I have been part of groups where the sameness was its strength, where blindness was needed, groups where my self and different opinion wasn't welcomed.

Coming from two very dysfunctional groups; family and religion, I am discerning who I am lumped together with. Who I join and for what reasons.

My old self needed like minded people who didn't have a gauge on themselves and reality.  It fit my denial.

The new me, feels the best with people who see not only themselves but the facts in their lives.  Who strive for authenticity and being themselves.  

We gather in circles for all types of reasons.

My class of ladies are badasses.  Rebels with courage.  Who dare to do what's right even when it isn't popular.  They let love go when it turns to abuse. Those who love themselves enough to stand alone.  Who have boundaries full of respect and self-kindness. Those who have felt deep darkness, pain, loss and who have decide to go on.

A circle of semi-colon ladies!

Ladies who have decide, that no matter what life has thrown at them, they deal, heal and gather their new found strengths and walk on.

To love harder, deeper and with more courage.

Being free, spirited, with grace.

Women who take responsibility for their choices and vow to chose differently the next time around.  Who learn the tough lessons by living from the inside out.

Badass women who are strong of self, and gather to cheer each other on as each faces a new life challenge.  

Each of us showing courage, strength when we stumble; we make it part of the dance!

A circle of badass women!

Doing what we do!

We chose not the easy path but the one that grows our soul!

I had to look up "Badass".

"a tough, uncompromising, or intimidating person."

Hmmm, I guess when it comes to defending our self, respect, love and empowerment.

I can be that.

Thats a woman I can cheer!

Badass Circle.

 

 

 

 

 

What is the cost of Fear?  What really happens in your life when you are in the fear thinking mode? Or, when you allow fear to have its way with you?  Do you know the cost in your life of fear.  What do you fear and why?

I had never thought of fear taking things.

I had thought of fear preventing things or keeping someone safe and comfortable; but I had never thought of the literal cost of fear.

What it steals from you.

Time. 

How much time has been wasted on fear?

How many adventures have you said no to?

Imagine your life without listening to the voices of fear.

What would happen in your life if you leaned in closer to the voice of courage.

Bravery,

Curiosity,

Inspiration,

Creativity,

Challenges,

New ideas,

New ways,

Different ways or choices,

What would happen to fear if you left it alone?

Fear is actually a waste of time.

Fear uses your time up.

Fear sits in place if you allow it.

Fear isn't really real.

It is imaginations. And, as I read some where, it is a poor way to use your imagination.

My word for next year is Dare.

I am thinking it is the opposite of fear.

Dare – I looked up the definition. "Having the courage to do something."

Perhaps having the courage to live my life as fully as possible.

Without fear isn't what fearless is.  It is to be in fear and do it anyway.

To dare to be you, no matter the cost.

Fear will steal your life away, minute by minute, adventure lost by adventure lost.

Today, have the courage to say No to fear!

Time is happening now.

Life is happening in this moment of time.

What are you allowing to take up your time?

Go in a new direction; away from fear!

 

We all have dates we remember, dates that can be celebratory and dates that can bring sorrow with reflection. Dates, marks of time, moments where our lives held significant changes.  

We give these days power…or try to control ourselves as they approach.

Today is December 4th.  The day I heard truth spoken about secrets; dark secrets.

A day I was able to bring in all of reality- denial was broke.

It calculates the amount of time that has passed.

The start perhaps of a trail of sorrow.

Or, the journey of learning.

I can look upon it with eyes of what I have lost.

And do at times.

Mostly, I am grateful for what I have gained.

My inner transformation has created a person whom I am very comfortable being.

As the space expands into another year, the distance between my old self and new grows larger.  As does, who I was, compared to who I am.

I look at the passage of time and it does seem incredible that I am no longer part of my family and haven't been for roughly 12 years. That is insane.

On NPR, a conversation was about a soldier and how he was able to tell stories of his time at war.  Whether he would tell the real truth or a proxy story.  To make others more comfortable, he would tell a proxy story instead of what really happened.

This struck me.

How often do we live by proxy…to make others more comfortable so not lose a friendship or face the consequences of the truth?

Imagine a world where truth is celebrated heard and accepted, no matter its content.

I believe, that so many suffer due to not being able to be their truths.

In the past 12 years, I have had to allow all truths to enter into my space; not just the easy ones or the ones that reflected well upon me.  Nothing was off limits.  My denial recovery depends on my ability and desire to be present with what is.

My true self comes naturally with plus and minuses.

Ups and downs.

Highs and lows.

Sorrows and joys.

There is no part that has to be kept hidden and separated.

As the season of family is in full throttle, I could get depressed and overwhelmed with my losses.  In the past, this time was the hardest.  Now, I am used to being separated.

Being different then the rest.

Removed from the family exchanges.

The distance and time has made them dimmer.

Their lives have gone on…and changed.  

I have lost touch. 

The loss is of something I don't know now.

It is no longer a new loss.

It is a fading memory.

Time does heal by gathering more now times in its place.

I am a ghost in their worlds.

And, they in mine.

Time passes, people change, distance steps in, hearts heal, lives grow and expand with new experiences. 

The estranged create a new world where the loss grows smaller with time.

Unlike death. We don't strive to include remembrances. 

We seek to fill the holes.

Changing the patterns of abuse into new self loving ways.

I feel successful as a past victim of abuse.

I have left the legacy of abuse behind and all its trimmings.

I may be standing alone, but I am not passing on the torch of denial, which is the key component to abuse.

Celebrating 12 years denial free!

 

 

Being asked to give of my time or money is a very personal exchange.  It is one that I haven't contemplated for a long while.

There was a point in my life, where I stopped giving completely, for it seemed I didn't know how to do this correctly. If this makes sense.

My giving emotions or connection was broke. I gave for all the wrong reasons.  I didn't know if I would be able to give with a giving heart.  

To feel the connection with the receiver so that it was an empowering exchange.

A equal flow of joy.

I am not sure I can articulate this correctly.

For, we are often asked to donate, and most often, we mindlessly give.

However, I now pay attention to what I give to.

What am I contributing to?

What am I adding a part of me with?

How does it make me feel?

Does this match with my values or morals?

Where am I putting me and does it agree with who I am?

When we give, we are placing a piece of us into the lives of another.

We are sharing.

Again it is an exchange.

 

We often speak of exchanging gifts.

I have to look up that word.

"Exchange"

"an act of giving one thing and receiving another (especially of the same type or value) in return."

To me, it is when we have a mutual respect and value each other…we are exchanging love and kindness.  However, if one side doesn't feel the same way, it isn't an exchange. It is lopsided. 

This unevenness or difference in respect is where my giving falls away.

It is inauthentic to me to give where I am not respected.

I honor this.

Funny, when I feel the mutual love and respect, giving flows naturally.  Something within me doesn't bulk or feel uncomfortable.

There are times when I don't give, that I receive silence.

Which leaves me puzzled.  Like it wasn't my choice to give; but an expectation.

I can give when I know that the piece of me I am sharing will be honored and respected.

There is a phrase among quilters, "Quilt Worthy".

Meaning will the person see the time and effort it takes to make a quilt and treat it with respect.

I now see this term spreading to all facets of my life.

Gift worthy.

It isn't about whether they are needy; but do our morals, values match.  Is there a personal respect, kindness and love for each other. 

Am I free to give or not give and it will not color our relationship?

If you don't not value me, you will not value what I give.

It will not be an empowering exchange for me…or for you.

We will then be exchanging a gift that carries disingenuous energies.

Giving for me isn't about need; but rather an exchange of energies.

How you see me, does ignite my giving heart…or close it down.

My self-respect knows when I am free to give.

 

 

 

 

What is a natural funeral? How can we celebrate death in a more natural setting?  Is there a distinct correlation between how we live and how we die? Is our funeral reflective of our life values?

In speaking with a gentleman who is part of the Green Burials, I was left with more wonderings?

You have to wonder, how we decided to preserve the body against its natural cycle of being part of a new birth in the earth?  Why are we putting them in cement vaults that will not recycle easily?  

I was educated that even the cremation fumes are harmful and less natural then a shroud type burial. 

Why do we want to preserve the body at all costs or destroy it quickly?

Is it because we don't see our body in the natural cycle of earth?

As the man from the green burial ponders natural death, I told him, he may be asked what is a natural life.  How do we live naturally?  And, if we live naturally, will it be easier to have a natural funeral?

Some have chosen to discard the body and go onto Life Celebrations.

However, I am now seeing how a natural burial and funeral would be more aligned to my way of living.

In order to really see natural or green burials as part of your world, I am believing, that you have to live a more natural life.

As he spoke about the green burials and how he would like to believe parts of him would go on and become plant life – to be part of the landscape where you are buried – this sounded more in tune to what I believe.

Just as my heritage to my children is how I lived – pieces of me will continue on in the choices they make…so too will my body come back in new life forms IF planted in a green burial site.

To stop the recycling of the body seems so un-natural.

How long will it take to reach back into the cycle of life when it is sealed in a box of cement?

Most funerals that I have been to, are based upon what a religion needs or believes. They are the opening to heaven.

Doesn't it seem so odd that when the body dies you are supposedly then 'in heaven'.

I am betting, that a natural death is when you find heaven here on earth…and you are okay in letting it go back to the dust from which we came.

What is natural about the funeral you have planned?

 

At a wedding, they spoke about Weather being a great tool for acceptance or for seeing reality.  I love this.

For years I have listened to folks argue with reality…about the weather.

When you are fully with the day's forecast you are walking in reality.

Tilt your head back and feel the sun rays or the rain drops.

You are learning how to accept what is.  You are not practicing denying.

The weather always wins!

I love this too.

Remember, when you are wishing the weather be different, you are practicing denial of what is.  

Practice accepting the weather as the first step in embracing reality. No matter what it is. Feel the 'bad' weather and the 'good'.  What is accepting to you and what is not.  Feel how this may also be a modality of the way you live.  How you may not always walk hand and hand with what is playing out; but rather live hiding in denial.

Watch your thoughts and what they say about the sky.

Then, watch what your thoughts say about other parts of your day.

 

 

So, as you ponder the way you SEE the weather, it may be just as true how you see others.

What is your 'idea' of them compared to who they are?

And, others see you, may or may not be who you are.

And, one more thought, which you do you present to the world?  Do you have a 'representative' like Glennon Doyle Melton speaks about OR do you only have one true self that arrives in each moment?

I used to dress to deflect bad opinions or 'views' of me.  Not only dress,but walk, talk and move to be seen a certain way.  

I didn't really have a self that was solely mine.  

I didn't know a true Me.

Which is why I was so drawn to nature – the sky and trees mostly.

Each day while I was trying to figure out what was truth and what was fiction, the sun shone.  

It rose and it set.  

A tree stood as a tree each day.

Each hour of each day.  

It was my model of who I would be.

I vowed to just be me.  

No matter what.

It was a long journey for my Self to reveal herself fully.

When I was at a wedding recently, I chuckled about how I was presenting myself.

The dress, the hiking boots, the stripped tights, the hiking poles and my wandering around all by myself. 

It wasn't until I spoke to a couple of other guests about how I knew the Groom, and I replied, "I was in the documentary "Call Me Mental"…did I realize I was the mental lady at the wedding.

And, this also colored the way I saw myself there.

I couldn't help smiling.

And, the more I smiled alone, the more I looked the part.

It was a day and perhaps the beautiful hiking trails, but I wasn't in the mood for making small talk or even trying to communicate with strangers.  So, I would wander, sit and get up and wander some more.  

I wasn't fitting into the normal nature of wedding guests.

But, I was doing me perfectly.

I love that I have grown beyond the good opinions of others and can carry the title Mental Lady without it ruining my day or self-image.

I loved being at the wedding.

I loved seeing the family I knew.

I loved adding a bit of color to their guest list.

As you step out into the world you are adding flavor and color to the landscape.

It really doesn't matter how others paint you.

What matters is what you give out.

The energy of your step and response to the world around you.

I am loving the flavor of the new Me.

My truth has its own flavor.

I am thinking denial doesn't have a natural scent.

Your true self is powered by the same energy of the sun!

And, like the weather.  

Others may deny your truth.

But that won't change the truth.

It is their inner fight, not yours.

You are like the weather.  

Some will accept you and others won't.

You be you, always!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Revenge by Proxy" is a term that I first heard spoken by Rob Bell.

Do you know this term?

How often have you forgiven someone and yet when something bad happens, you feel like the scales are now back in balance?

Well, actually, your forgiveness wasn't complete.

A complete forgiveness is when you are not waiting for a proxy to dish out revenge to that person and perhaps call it Karma…and you feel relieved, joyful, happy, or any other positive terms when you learn of it.

The greater the hurt, the harder it is to forgive, and the most often it is revenge by proxy that we wait for.

And, I think, the most kind among us are waiting for their proxies to get the show on the road. They are too kind to do the deed themselves; but wait for something to happen that they can express their true emotions.

Anytime we are happy for someone's pain, we are in the act of revenge by proxy.

I have had a few experiences with this.

And, the act of complete peace didn't happen when the proxy revenge happened. It left me still agitated.

Wishing the best for your enemy isn't an easy road.

Staying in the pond of good energy is harder.

Our humanity is to even the score, to set things right, to give as good as we got.

But, if you are not the type of person to act out revengefully you then have to be patient for karma to deliver the punch.

All the time you are waiting, you are steeped in negative waves.

To literally wish them well, and that the stars align in their favor is very very hard and it will take time to reach this point of forgiveness.

I guess for me, one of the things that was helpful was to see how my own cycle worked.

How my anger brought back anger.

How my wrath served up to me relationships of negative energies swirling just beneath the 'kindness'.  I had to mind my P's and Q's or I would feel the jolt of that energy.

I was a "representative of kindness" while volcano's of negative charges lay beneath. I lived this way for 46 years.

Glennon Doyle Melton speaks of her "representative", the her that wasn't her that went out in the world. How her true self was kept inside.

My representative was a 'kind' person; a people pleaser a do-gooder girl. While inside of me was a very angry hurt abused girl. My inner energy was very negative due to the untreated abuse.

While living as two, I would not be the one to seek revenge; but cheer when it happened.

My representative was a good FALC follower.  A good forgiver. A kind daughter. But she wasn't me.  She is the person that many still may seek to have back in the family. She is invited back, not the real Me.

The real me was wounded.

I had to let the representative go and become Me.

In the becoming of Me, I also learned that others lived like I used to live.

That their representative moved about the world.  A pretending or acting-self learned what it needed to do in order to get along.

There is nothing for me to revenge.

Living as a representative is revenge enough.

I don't cheer this.

My wish is for everyone to get to be free to live without a representative in their lives.

To be the wounded.

To be you.

Living a life of truth.

I don't see that the scales have to be balanced.  They already are.

I don't even see that the truth needs to be said, it already is being spoken, by the examples of their lives.

The actions always do speak louder than words.

Next time something bad happens, examine your own feelings. This is where you will find the content of your energy.

It is there that you work is waiting.

The revenge you seek will be towards yourself.

 

 

 

 

When it comes to doing things just for your Self or for keeping your word, I believe that women are by far worse at leaving themselves, to take care of others.  It doesn't even matter the date they promised themselves and its value, what seems to matter is that they will go, UNLESS otherwise needed.

I asked my husband how often his friends have made plans and then cancelled. He said, he couldn't remember a time.

Women and Men are different in the way they were raised or taught to think about themselves.  As caregivers, women rarely put themselves on the list and will easily fall off the list when 'someone' needs them.

Most often, women don't feel they have the right to being higher on the list than say children and or grandchildren.  There is a value system and others always are higher.

What does this do to the inner joy of women?

Subconsciously there has to be a price we pay for not being in a secure high spot.

Is there a balance where harmony for all is achievable and what does it look like?

Can we stake out time and days that are not subject to others needs?

What do we feel towards women who are not willing to drop everything, each time another's needs arise?

I have seen 'caregivers' completely drained and lifeless.  Is that love?  Are we meant to love and care until we have no life left?

My world now includes me.  My dates are very important ones.  Ones I will not change lightly or unless it is an emergency.   I am important to me. My time doing what I love fills me up with life force energy.  

I am thinking we need to re-define caregiving and what it means to be self-loving.

I can love you; but it doesn't mean I will leave my life behind to care for you.

My caring is to show you how to do self care well.

To ask for what you need.

Speak up to make your life easier.

To say no to others in order to say yes to you.

And, to be worthy of being on the top of your list.

T

 

 

I think I figured out the reason Cancellation is such a trigger for me.  In the old days when I was separated from me due to religion and abuse, I didn't know how to stand firm for me. The way free from abuse is to have the freedom to choose and to stick to your guns, if you will.  AND, to even spot a Self worthy of freedom, of choice, and a voice.

Most often, I see the cancellation be for the need of other.  Or, even as some shared, for the mental mind.  It is rarely good for the soul.

I see freedom of choice and the power to stick to your passions, loves and desires…as embracing the soul of who you are.  The deeper nature of you grows each time you declare this is my moment in time and this is what I choose to do.

I see the split between what you should do, are expected to do and then what makes your soul sing.  Often cancellations puts your soul on hold.

I lived separated from mine for 46 years.

And, the past decade has been spent defining me.

Does this makes sense to anyone?

Following your soul or even more importantly, finding who your soul is, means to pay close attention to your actions and words and how you follow through or when and who your veer off course for.

Be inspired to be YOU!