Category: Uncategorized

Estrangement 

"The fact of no longer being on friendly terms or part of a social group."

Clinging to my husband 13 years ago, I cried for my father, How He would die a very lonely death.  Believing, that his abusive behavior would leave him out in the cold from our family.  

Little did I know, the tears I cried were for me.

While writing words for a book I am playing with, I wanted to make sure the word estrangement worked for identifying me.  

No longer friendly.

I then pondered when did this unfriendliness happen and who began this energy flow.

As a child was I born Unfriendly into a friendly environment and/or what made me become so "unfriendly"?

Isn't it more true that my father's behavior of abuse was unfriendly.  My mother ignoring it unfriendly, as well towards me.  So, am I the one who started this estrangement, and why do we see the child (adult child) who leaves the relationship as being the one estranged.

Instead of saying I am estranged, they are really the estranged parents.

What do we call someone who stays with unfriendly folks?

Is there a word for someone who leaves an unfriendly environment?

Curious "refugee" popped up and,

"A displaced person"

That is a much truer statement, since I am not the one who created the unfriendly nature in my childhood home.  

As I was writing, I came upon this by Alice Miller.

"Experience has taught me that my own body is the source of all the vital information that has enabled me to achieve greater autonomy and self-confidence.  Only when I allowed myself to feel the emotions pent up for so long inside of me did I start extricating myself from my own past.  Genuine feelings are never the product of conscious effort. They are quite simply there, and they are there for a very good reason, even if that reason is not always apparent. I cannot force myself to love or honor my parents if my body rebels against such an endeavor for reasons that are well-know to it. But if I still attempt to obey the Forth Commandment, then the upshot will be the kind of stress that is invariably involved when I demand the impossible of myself. This kind of stress has accompanied me almost all of my life. Anxious to stay in line with the system of moral values I had accepted, I did my best to imagine good feelings I did not possess while ignoring the bad feelings I did have. My aim was to be loved as a daughter. But the effort was all in vain. In the end I had to realize that I cannot force love to come if it is not there in the first place. On the other hand, I learned that a feeling of love will establish itself automatically (for example, love for my children or love for my friends) once I stop demanding that I feel such love and stop obeying the moral injunctions imposed on me. But such a sensation can happen only when I feel free and remain open and receptive to all my feelings, including the negative ones."  Alice

This could be the whole book on my journey.  How I followed my body, stopped obeying the commandment and no longer forced myself to try and feel feelings I did not have; with my parents.  

My body was truthful – I couldn't be friendly to those who hurt me.

Love truly arrived in its glorious feelings once I accepted, acknowledge and felt the volumes of negative feelings I had repressed.

Genuine feelings are NOT the effort of a conscious effort.

No matter how hard I tried to be the loving daughter, love didn't flow.

It wasn't a genuine feeling for me.

And, no wonder I was treated unfriendly by them.

I love how my body is magnificently a truth detector; it truly never lies.

Once I was on to my body and its ability to be genuine, so too could I be.

I followed it.

It has never failed me.

I may be the displaced family member, but it is totally authentic for me to be outside the circle.

Displaced is the correct identity for someone like me.

Displaced from my family is a truer definition of me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Death brings family together; naturally.  

Unless you are on the outside. 

All things stay the same; except completely different in their lives.

I ponder her life, her soul and what she teaches. What is her legacy upon the land?

How can I live to  honor her journey?

A young woman I didn't know; yet knew.

We both grew in the circle of the same family.

What was her experience compared to mine?

Was her pattern like mine?

Were we more alike than different?

We didn't seek each other out. 

Nor, did our paths cross after I left the family.

Estrangement's rules leave me with little choices. Or perhaps the stand against abuse has its own rules that I adhere to.

As family circles close, I experience PTSD symptoms.  

The old me arises from the ashes or is pulled by familiar threads.  

Shaken awake, it wonders about our path.

Are we walking in harmony with my truth and feelings?

Do my actions match my experience?

Am I being authentic or just a cold hearted bitch?

What do estranged siblings do for each other when death arrives?

Or, for that matter any family event?

I am slung back to the original event, the moment of truth, that can't be ignored.

The pivotal moment that changed me, and my life, still remains true today. 

Abuse. Incest. Denial. The perfect storm that spun my world out of its well bred control.

While no one is asking me to rejoin the family, it feels like I am made to chose me, over them, again.  The heart wrenching choice of being alone.

My journey forward has been to be different.  To hold strong in moments where it would be easier to go weak. To capitulate and go along to get along.  To let go of my inner self to appease the crowd.

The body responds with anxiety and the other markers of PTSD, at the idea of being in their presence.  It knows more than I.

Wiser from experience.

The wounded little girl inside of me knows, that by remaining with a new pattern of post traumatic growth, it is what I need to do.

Growing is painful and yet very inspiring.

Each time I can successfully walk the tough walk, I know I am changing my DNA or family  tendencies.

While it hurts me to be outside the grief circle, I know that some will find great peace love and joy within.

Her death will strengthen all of us.

Some in the new pattern, and others will cling to the comforts of old.

I get it.

We all are led by that something inside of us.

Nothing within me feels drawn to the family I left.

Just as nothing within them feels the need to leave.

We are both living out our truths.

Apart.

My heart's first expression was that of loneliness and deep sadness for her journey.

Yet what can I know.

Perhaps it is deep sadness for mine.

I have a term "Brilliantly Tragic".

That is how I often feel.

Inside of me is an ocean of grief on the outer circles of family…along side the mountains of gratitude to be creating a new pattern.

And, that is life.

We embrace the tragic and celebrate the joy, love and peace.

I will continue to live my life fuller and with more conviction to be me, in honor of her.

May each of us take something from her journey.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The weather is the universe, or reality, begging us to accept what is.  And, a reminder that we can plan and hope and dream and then reality walks in.

Winning, only but 100% of the time.

This week, reality was Icy Rain.

Instead of biking weather.

Freezing into snow, making the hiking trails wet and slippery.

I was so ready to ride my bike and deliver mail with my elbow out the window and have Spring Breezes carrying the scent of blossoms; but we had snow.

Stinging beads of snow.

Splashing through frozen mud puddles.

Not accepting what is, kept me out of my life.

In a place of wishing.

Which is powerless.

Nothing happens there.

I didn't go out and play with this harsh nature.

Some did.

And they got wonderful bold pictures of Lake Superior.

It was like I made myself a promise to sit until the sun shined again.

What a waste of a few days, which turned into a week of zero exercise.

No fresh air, besides what floated in while I delivered the mail.

I can see how easily it is to blame an outside source for how we live and move, or don't.

Something within me wasn't strong enough to push out in the inclement wet weather.

Perhaps even thankful for the 'excuse' to do nothing.

I felt a victim of the weather.

Instead of a badass who danced with its bold strong winds and freezing temps.

Blaming the other for our weak response is the walk of powerlessness.

It seems that life and nature have a way of creating the perfect storms for us to grow more badass.

Accept the invitation of what is.

It is here to create a more powerful You!

 

 

 

 

 

It seems to me that we are a society of "Excessive Tolerance".  

We place the well being on society changing BY us being more kind.

Really?

Rendering a good portion of society incapable of improving. Keeping them LESS, and we are More.

Being Kinder, adds to our column of self-worth.

Who would you be without the worth of kindness?

What would happen IF you became honest instead of kind?

We have a strange way of not setting boundaries with folks closest to us; out of kindness.

It is as if to say, our family is incapable of honoring and respecting our boundaries.

IF this is so, how have they been taught to believe this?

Who set in place the dynamics of family and each person's responsibility?

How is it, that many families, have those who have bad behavior that the 'kinder' folks have to tolerate…excessively!

This lopsided awkward family relationship most likely was set in place as we watched our parents interact and even how we were made to act with our parents.

I know that I was raised in with this lopsided awkward gait when it comes to family relationships.

In fact, I was the 'kind' one for 46 years.

It was my identity and my value.

Funny, how we feel better tolerating poor behavior.  We need and like the "Better" feelings this brings.

In fact, the hardest part of being estranged IS being seen as 'unkind' due to my boundaries.

It was as if my excessive tolerance had hit its bursting point.

I could literally not tolerate the sheer volume of behavior that I was being asked to tolerate.

It blew up my tolerance holder.

I literally can't even begin to overlook, look around and shy away from what others do.

And, I am taking total control of my own responsibility button.

I do not expect that kindness will keep me in a relationship.

I have to do my part.

And, this too isn't easy.

I was raised in lazy relationships, where no matter what I did, family kept family around.

They were kind that way.

Until, I my tolerance ran out.

I couldn't pretend their actions didn't matter.

They did.

And, still do.

My actions matter.

My life is made or unmade by how I act.

Who I am isn't made by the kindness of others.

That codependent lifestyle is long gone.

Codependency eclipsed my inner self.

In fact, I didn't exist, when others looked away.

I danced, acted, talked and did so that others were kind to me.

I was a puppet for kindness.

Devoid of a self.

Between religion moving me back and forth, and my need to please, my life was not mine to live.

This idea of excessive tolerance, actually needs to be addressed as excessive kindness.

We act like dropping kindness over poor behavior will make the behavior disappear or be reversed.

I believe the kindest thing we can do for ourself and others is to be intolerant.

Face everything as it happens, as it is, and dance with reality's truth.

Humanity is coming to a new level of awareness and consciousness, where we will all be asked to see who we are, what we do and how our actions affect the generations who follow us.

Which leads to the book I love "The Body Keeps Score".

We can pour kindness over bad behavior; but the body knows this is not the answer.

Our legacy, our children and their children will live out the affects of abuse, unless we are the ones who address it, and not be kind to it.

The only kindness that will literally change the trajectory of each generation beyond us, is self-kindness.

We have to be the change WE want to see in the world.

Being kind to me, has brought me much pain and separation; and brilliant exciting adventures of Me!

Intolerance is the way forward!

Ride like the Wind towards your own happiness, love, peace and joy!

 

 

 

When we are asked to respect the president, just because he is the president, we are not seeing the man, but the title.

This is the exact same thing that happens within families where abuse happens. 

Honor thy mother and thy father.

Regardless of the person wearing the title. 

It is the title that society wants us to pay homage to.  Upholding it, creates a false representation of who is behind it.

It is like they get a free pass, due to the word that describes their job.

See my title, it means more than who I am as a person.

Family carries the same burden.

We honor words and not the folks who live under its umbrella.

This becomes a blind spot.  

Often one of convenience.

For when you literally see the actions, it will require you to make changes.

Another form of denial to concentrate on the label and be faithful to it, rather than truly see who is wearing it

People get more insulted when they see someone disrespect the president, than when the president does something disrespectful.

Same goes for parents.

My actions of estrangement are more often questioned than why I left my family. 

Or, it is asked, "when will you 'forgive' (return).  Like it was me with the problem in the first place.

Seldom are the probing questions about my parents and how they lost their title.

I believe most would rather see the title, and believe in a world that isn't there, than to see reality of what is.

Believing in titles allows us to have a gentle kind world.

Dad, sounds so harmless.

Being free to see, brings respect back to the titles.

Some folks are just not qualified to wear them.

Do we still have to respect them, when they don't fit the title?

Can we keep our respect for the title and let the person's truth allow us the option to respect or not respect them?

Being free to chose who we respect, is a freedom.

A title doesn't hold the power for automatic respect.  We certainly do not want to be victims of the title and without a choice.

Respect is earned by the individual.

By how they act.

Who I respect is up to me.

Respecting someone who is unworthy, is denial of their truth, and it shows disrespect to you.

Denial of your own truth and feelings.

I respect the truth over titles.

 

What would a mission statement read like for WIND?  Women In New Directions.

WIND has changed directions just as the women who have grown with it have.

What started out as a support group of sorts, has turned into adventures of the mind, body and soul.

The more we have dared to do, the more WIND has changed directions.  I love the fluid nature and unknowing.

WIND is active and creative.  

It is art and physical endurance.

Connection and friendship.

Exploring new art forms that stretch and move our minds and soul.

We explore our inner worlds with some projects, our goals, hopes and intentions.

And, out in nature we gather strength, peace and navigate paths we may not have traveled alone.

WIND is open, free and expanding.

It includes all and if applied weekly will change your life.

We are women in new directions.

We know sorrow, pain, fear, and heartache.

We know love, peace and joy.

We are familiar with life's darkness and welcome it, share it, explore it.

We laugh at life, ourselves and the joy of being.

We want to inspire other women to gather and play.

We range in ages from the 20's to the 60's.  I love this the most.

Women who find themselves being pushed into a new direction, can learn to embrace the new.  Women who find themselves stuck in no direction can come and learn how to wiggle free.

WIND isn't a place, nor does it have an agenda.

There are no rules or boundaries.

WIND is free

WIND is like your very best friend.

Open, loving, daring, adventurous, daring, exploring, redefining, listening, speaking up, creative, artful, imperfect, perfect, inviting, challenging…

WIND, if it had a mission statement, would be Women In New Directions, being badass.

We strive to grow and embody who we truly are.

Our differences is our strength.

We encourage each other with honesty and heart.

WIND has given me so many new friends, new experiences, new directions.

It has changed who I am.

I am now a hiker, biker, snowshoe, ski girl.

I have learned so many new different art forms, I feel more expressive.

I even got a Tattoo with WIND!

I have traveled on trails, climbed up hills, walked over Brockway Mountain, up Porcupine  Mountain, snowshoed in the dark, etc becoming a badass outdoor lady!

My life is so much richer with WIND.

WIND moves with inspiration and desire, with hopes and dreams and challenges.

It changes you in ways you can't even know, until looking back at all the different directions we traveled!

Oh the places our feet have gone!!

WIND dares each of us to be who we were born to be!

What is WIND's Mission Statement?  I will have to try and boil it down to a paragraph.

 

"I am the most comfortable in the truth" Glennon Doyle Melton

The podcasts that I am most drawn to are those of people who dare to live their truth out loud, the ones whose lives were altered due to the awareness. Who have made great changes into living authentic lives.

What I heard today, after you become aware and living mindfully, you have a hard time around folks whose lives are littered with lies.  Or to be drawn toward lives who live on the surface of life.

Once I had unraveled all that was untrue for me, untrue lives don't hold my attention.  I am not drawn or feel the desire to know more lies. I can't pretend to pretend to be interested.  

And, I am more drawn to nature and its open spectacular self!

Enjoying all the different ways to spend time in nature, feels right to me.

I am always honored when others share their truth with me, or when we work to discover the lies they cannot see.

I had always thought that denial meant you knew, but denied it.  I am now more believing that denial is not knowing a truth; but that it lives with you.  If this makes sense.

It wasn't that my truth arrived when I was 46, but rather it lived hidden from me.

Although there were signs that I wasn't living true to me.  

My feelings were not honored.

Choices often were not available.

I lived life on the surface.

Not wanting to know too much, not even aware of not being aware.

Looking back, I would get anxious when my inner self had the chance to be known.

I didn't know me.

But, didn't know that I didn't know.

The who I knew was a survival self and the beliefs of the church.

When the truth leaked out, the old me crumbled. 

I was left without a self and yet as a self with wide open eyes.

To be made aware of your own truths is a remarkable experience.  Typically it does come with drama, trauma, pain and sorrow.  But, it leads to a life that has a wide open landscape of seeing.

I truly love being around folks who are wrestling with the truths in their lives.

Regardless of the truths content.

The realness excites me, and it feels like a real being connection.

I am more comfortable with the uncomfortable truths than with lives lived in pretending.

 

 

 

 

 

I am not sure what an adrenaline rush is, or over the top excitement, the kick people get by doing scary things, but maybe I felt that as I skied the Great Bear Chase.

Would it be possible that what some people call adrenaline, I call fear?

Is the rush putting yourself close to the edge and careening almost out of control that is the rush?

What I do know, is that rush of it all, was more draining on my emotions than on my physical strength.  Sure I was tired, but I was more emotionally drained.

I haven't experienced being in fear physically in a long while.

Not only in fear of going down hills out of control; but actually doing it.  I almost wanted to close my eyes and open them when I landed.  I didn't know how to try and control myself on the hills.

It was as if seeing a beginner, try.

To see how it went.

It was sorta scary the futileness I felt about landing standing on my skis and the daring I had to just let go, knowing it had a 90% chance of ending poorly.

When I went down the Hairpin, I was in the tracks, and when I approached the bottom, in a crouch, it wasn't far to the ground, the landing was much less impacting.

Coming down the groomed, icy no track hills, was sheer insanity.

I felt my precariousness, over and over again.

It is one thing to do one hairpin.

It is another to do a different kind again and again.

What is also weird, is that even if I walked, I was still feeling fear of the trail.

Instead of getting back my control, or feeling in control, my insides didn't calm down until the finish line…and even after I was home, there were aftershocks of shaky limbs.

It was like my body's nerves were being held in check until I was under a quilt sipping tea!

And, retelling of the event the first time, had me shaking.

Fear, adrenaline, terror, rushes, excitement maybe are too close to abuse and its emotions.

Could that by why I have unknown fear of things I have never tried.

It is not the event; but the emotions that come with it.

I will still be in fear of hills that are not tracked, but I will try and capture my control early by keeping me and other skiers safe, as I walk down the hill…and then commence my skiing.

It takes a special set of courage to do that which is unknown.

I feel that I had courage to even begin, after seeing the start of the race to have a hill with no tracks and fairly icy, and for the first downhill slope to have no tracks.  I could at that time been mere minutes from the safety of my jeep, instead I took the long way home, 10 Kilometers and I was back where I had started.

Spent.

Emotionally and physically challenged and stronger because of it!

The hills won't scare me, for I know which ones to attempt and which ones to walk.

As I quilted this quilt, it came to me, beginners and trick skiers have a lot in common, our moves are quite insane!

To me, it took more courage to attempt the hills, than those who have traveled down a thousand successfully.

Daring to try without skills, is being in fear and going anyway.

 

Weather that fluctuates between winter and spring, gave me some great insights in how we interact with the weather.  Weather arrives and we then get to decide our response.

Warmer temps, melting snow and bare roads means biking!  

Too cold and windy for skiing….means, get your snowshoes on.

When the winds die down a bit and the temperature remains cold, take your skis and find a trail!  Bringing a friend along is a bonus!

The beauty on the trials is breath taking – nature showing off.

We had the moon in front of us and the sun behind.  Crisp fast tracks!  It was cold but invigorating in its sharpness!

In early winter when our daylight hours are short, we take headlamps and head out!

The night time trails are enchanting.  The quietness surrounds us.

So, here is my take away.

The more active you are the more you love the changing weather!  And, the more accepting you are with all its expressions.

Weather is the leader and we follow its lead.

What a great remind of how reality wins; but 100% of the time.

In my old inactive days, I would want the weather to change and not be this way or that way.  I would argue with it always, somehow believing, IF I spunked long enough, it would change and be what I wanted it to be.

There is some magic in accepting the weather each morning, just as it is.

And, then deciding how you can play with it that day.

Life isn't about what happens.

It is all about how we respond.

True empowerment is following the lead of reality.

Being with What Is.

No matter how it appears.

Each day we are asked to play!

When we as a society look for equality or that we are all the same, we are actually missing something.  

We are all human beings for sure; but our life experience and the way the world has seen us is completely different.  Different in how we were raised to see the world and others and even ourself. 

Many of us were taught how to define ourselves by how we define "other".

We are made more by someone being less.

Or, less by someone being more.

We were taught what was right by who was wrong.

Can we as a society work to get legal rights when the minds, thoughts and beliefs are not changed?

We often believe we are fighting against color, sexual orientation, gender etc, when in fact, our own minds are the enemy.

What have we all been taught to believe.

We are not born with inequality, we are taught it. 

How can we all challenge our minds on what we have been taught to believe?

Even the simple, yet challenging idea that some of us will go to heaven when we die and others will burn in hell.  And, usually that means your church is right and the rest of us are wrong. Less than, not equal to you.

How many other ideas in your head are the seeds of inequality?

How many other beliefs condemn another individual?

Who is the one who needs to change; those who happen to been born different than your thoughts OR your thoughts?

I believe we are at a critical time where reality is here to challenge our minds/thoughts and beliefs.

We can easily blame others and want them to stay out of our country and world; but what we seldom do is look closely at why.

What would happen if you lost your beliefs and ideas of the world?

Whose lives would be so deeply affected?

What would happen to your life, IF your religion was wrong?

Where would your center be, if the center moved drastically to the left?

Or right?

We judge reality but never our own minds.

I think the political climate we are currently in is here to challenge our minds.  

Forcing us to see the reality of what a mind looks like in real life; a mind in action.

What does your mind look like in action?

Who do you condemn and reduce to less than you?

I know, that my unaware mind was mad.

It was only when I could see the insanity of what it thought, did I then see a peaceful reality.

People are people, until we make them less.

Until we create an idea of who is better than.

What is more right and way more wrong.

We are not lovers of reality; but ones who fight against it to save our thoughts and beliefs.

The greatest enemy of humanity is our mind.

Or perhaps the unchallenged mind.

Changing your mind is the heroes journey.

It is to realize you are in prison and you have always held the key.

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose.

Enlightenment happens when you go out of your mind.