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Rachael Denhollander once again is speaking so eloquently for victims of sexual abuse when she speaks about how churches are one of the worst places to go for help.

Read more in this article.

https://www.yahoo.com/news/first-woman-accuse-nassar-says-203226814.html?soc_src=hl-viewer&soc_trk=fb

In the past few weeks the women of the Gymnastic world have affirmed so many victims of sexual abuse. They have given us credibility and sadly due to the sheer number.

Somehow the world opens their eyes a bit wider when there is more than one.

What has been so supporting to me, is how they are not just focusing on the Perpetrator; but on the environment in which he operated.

Rachael speaking out about her experiences with the church completely affirms my stance over the past 13 years.

It truly is the worst place to go for help.

What they have to offer, actually hurts more; not less.

"Denhollander, an evangelical Christian, saw that Biblical teachings about grace and repentance were being weaponized against victims, pressuring them into offering an easy forgiveness to their abusers. At the same time, churches lacked accountability structures that treated victims with compassion and respect." 

I am not even sure that religious organizations will ever be able to make the changes need to support victims, for it will go against everything they believe in.

"Many churches hold poor interpretations of Scripture that imply the victim is somehow at fault for dressing or acting a certain way ‘immodestly,’ that speaking up about abuse is ‘gossip’ or ‘slander,’ and that forgiveness is moving on without demanding justice for the victims,” Easter told HuffPost. “These stances are a stark contrast from Jesus’ ministry to the marginalized.”

These beliefs will stand in the way of anyone who tries to seek help.  

My experience, is they had nothing of value to impart.  More often words that were hurtful and showed me we were now seeing the world differently.

Again, another veil had been lifted and I could see that which they were blind to.

I wondered, then – What is the role of the church, and what are its values, and IF they can't stand for victims, and their main message supports the abusers, who are they then?

Where is their value?

Again, for the umpteenth time, many want to keep my father and the First Apostolic Lutheran Church quite separate.  They, don't want any of his dirt on them.  Yet, they are the ones who forgave him time and time again. I am sorry, it is on you.

This is another area of magic making. Where there is a sleight of hand. Now you see the pedophile and now you don't.  He has been forgiven.

The forgiveness of sins takes crimes and wipes them away.

Leaving the victim in that awkward spot of still wearing the affects of being abused. And, trying to live in a world where they know there is a pedophile; but can't express it.

What I have been thinking about as these girls come forth and we can see the two strikingly different contrasts between man and pedophile and the organizations who supposedly had stellar reputations, IS the two worlds.

Would that not confuse and bring anxiety?

How can you rest in your own skin, when there are two diabolically opposed worlds going on?

And, we place this "mental" state on the person, NOT on the institution and other folks with two lives.

"Denhollander first went public with her accusations in The Indianapolis Star in September 2016.At the time, she and her husband were attending a church in Louisville, Kentucky. She claimed the church was “directly” involved in supporting a local pastor who had been accused of covering up child sex abuse. When Denhollander spoke up on behalf of survivors, it caused a rift between her and the leaders of her church. She said some elders even used her personal story of sexual abuse as a weapon against her, claiming that the assault had clouded her judgment as an advocate."

It is quite remarkable, society and those who defend the organizations, will place the label mental upon us, instead of the organizations who are acting twisted up.

That we have a disorder, instead of there being a disorder to their organization.

It is much easier to wreck one person's mental state of being, compared to acknowledging that the group is messed up.

Saying I am mental costs most people nothing.

They get to keep their Mom and dad, keep their family, keep their church and their ticket to heaven. Casting me aside is the easiest road possible, and requires nothing of them.

I knew, that I had somehow been made to carry the disorders that were not mine to carry.

And, oddly at the time, I felt the most clear and un-mental that I ever felt.

When family, church and organizations don't own their disorder they try and impose it upon us.

That we are a disorder.

We are disorderly to their order.

That we are the ones who are insane.

This is what I believe is the underlying static that causes us to feel mental.  Not that we are.

I never took up the label. I know that I am seen as mental; but I don't wear it personally.

I know where the disorder lies, and it isn't within me.

Call Me Mental, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pZg7-Ex2m5I&feature=youtu.be is a documentary that I was part of.  And, it is true, they do.

But, who really has disorder in its structure and the relationship with itself?

Imagine being a church who believes it has value and moral standards, only to not be able to stand with victims because it will directly oppose its main message?

That would mess with your mind and mission.

Mostly, I am shunned because they are afraid I am right.

 I love this border fabric, for it is patched and different and so messy and artistic. And, I love the center –  with nature, color, and the determined strong woman, doing what she loves.

 

You cannot change anything, if you don't change!

 

What I am most inspired by with the woman and young girls speaking up in the Gymnastic world, is that they are not just looking at the perpetrator; but looking into why the system itself supported HIM over the young child.

I have heard others speak of teaching children to speak up.  Like it is the child who will lend the power to end this.  Really?

Teaching children good touch bad touch, without the support of the system they live, work, play, learn, and pray in…does nothing.

What are we expecting from wives of child abusers?

From the support staff of coaches?

From the church boards who know and do nothing?

From the preachers who forgive and forget?

Can we teach them?

Can we teach them what is the right way to handle a child's truth?

What is the right way to interact with a man who has been accused?

Can we teach them to put aside their love, their faith, their team, their organization for a child's welfare?

Child sexual abuse is one of the easiest things to do; for the perpetrators  know the child matters the least.

The faith comes before the child.

Sport, money and fame, before the child.

Love and security before the child.

Children are last.

Child sexual abuse will not end, until the child matters more.

I have spoken to countless 'concerned' parents who are still within the church, asking me about how to protect their child.  They will tell me they know this uncle, or the father-in-law, or family 'friend' who they suspect of abuse; but they don't know how to stop going to family functions and will not leave their faith and church behind.

Imagine?

So, what this tells me, is that their place within the family matters more.

Their faith, matters more.

It is quite simple, and yet standing against child abuse will cost you more than your heart can hold.

To protect a child you have to remove yourself from the circles where predators move.

I have heard mothers say, "They will be vigilant and watch their children", while they continue to move in the same circles of the abusers.

What the child sees is your acceptance of these abusers.  You will not be a safe person to tell or to keep them safe.

Adults have to be taught what the affects of abuse looks like, how children change and how their behaviors are signposts.

The adults in my world knew, and it truly is to be abused again, when the so called non-abusing adults do nothing.

Supporting a child, even an adult child, means standing up against family, systems and organizations, and breaking rules and proper etiquette in the chain of power.

It means saying No, and not going or doing what you have always done.

It will be life changing.

You will be giving up your beliefs in certain characters and institutions.

It will blow your mind how the systems are truly working for abusers and not the safety and care of children.

Which is the reason most will not stand with the child.

They don't want their life to change, they can change their minds and beliefs about a system, organization, family member, church, preacher, friend.

You will be called mental and unstable, unloving and unkind.  You will be the subject of ridicule and rejection.  You will find out that you truly didn't matter. That the idea of family and faith mattered more.

The whole fiber on which you have been taught will seem upside down and backwards AND it is.

I was raised in an environment where children mattered less.

And, this is the perfect place for pedophiles to operate. They too know this.  Revel in the ideas that the adults watching will care less.

When I decided to stand by the victims of my father, I didn't know I was going to be a changeling within our family.

I didn't know that what I was doing was so different, that I would be seen as backwards and mentally unstable.  

I began to live my life as the child within me mattered and all the children I had influence over; mattered!

You can tell the value of a family, an organization or religious circle, by how much they value children; their lives, their voices, their hearts and souls.

You can tell by who they support and believe. 

What they rush to protect and defend.

In my experience, it is never the child.

A child has to matter more.

 

"You cannot set a boundary you do not have"

 

More from "The Awakened Family" -by Dr. Shafali Tsabary 

 

Chapter 21 "From Discipline to Enlightened Boundaries.

"Once you have learned to check in and attune to yourself and your children, the next important task of parenting is almost as sacred as connection. This is the art and discipline of creating boundaries. Notice I said the "discipline of creating boundaries" as opposed to the "art of disciplining." Whereas the latter focusing on changing our children through discipline, the former focuses on disciplining ourselves to change. My book "Out of Control" emphasizes how disciplinary strategies are just a means of control and manipulation. It's our lack of understanding to how to create appropriate boundaries that result in what we call a "disciplinary issue," as a if it were the child's fault."

"This is the most important lesson in this chapter: All disciplinary issues with children occurs because of a lack of discipline within the parent. It's really the indiscipline of parents that we need to create interventions for, not the child!"

"I believe that establishing limits and creating appropriate boundaries are some of the most difficult aspects of parenting. When we attempt them, we tend to be either too rigid  or too lax, unaware of how to create the right conditions for our children to thrive." Shefali

I loved seeing how the old ways of parenting (at least how I was raised) was a form of manipulation and control.  

And, I have parented this way. It is exhausting and it leaves the child to blame for all the strife in the house.

Her approach is completely new and life changing; for the parent!

 

Further on she writes;

"You cannot set a boundary you do not have."

"When you hear the word "boundary" you probably assume I'm talking about giving our children boundaries. However, I always start with the parent. I'm less concerned with our children's understanding and more concerned with our own internal boundaries. Whenever our children get out of line, it's not so much they who are out of line as ourselves."

"If you are wondering what this looks like in practice, it means that our own relationship to our limits is wishy-washy. The line between what we deem appropriate or inappropriate isn't clearly drawn in our mind and heart. Our inability to set a clear limit is the reason our children keep violating our boundaries. As with all aspects of conscious parenting, the misalignment begins with us." Shefali

I LOVE, you cannot set a boundary you do not have.

This isn't just for our children; it is for everyone who we spend time with.

Finding our own boundaries and standing firm within them, will define us and allow us to navigate the world with clarity.

Do you know your own boundaries AND, do you know how you got them?

I used to have boundaries that were given to me, or ones I created out of fear.

Most were senseless and without substance.

Lots were based upon the 'guidelines' of religion.

Many were beliefs and 'sins' to steer away from.

There are still a huge volume of people who live their lives by the old frame work of discipline, control and manipulation.

This is very tiresome; because you are controlling others, instead of yourself.

Yet, how can you control yourself, IF you don't know yourself?

What you stand for, and why?

What you resist, and why?

And, more importantly, what are you for? 

Are your clearly defined by your standards, values and inner knowings?

My old controlling self was created by dysfunction and religion- a very constricted, dark place to grow.  It didn't allow for self-love, self-expression or individuality – freedom to be.

Leaving behind my old ways, I learned to find new boundaries based on self-love.

What honored and respected Me.

It was completely scary and extremely liberating and freeing!

I cast aside the old beliefs for ones that echoed from within me.

I read somewhere awhile ago, that religion was created to control people.

I can't know if this is true, but it feels true.

So, many feel that if you don't have a religion; you are out of control.

Free to do number of sins.

Yet, oddly enough.  When I gave up my religion, I became kinder. 

I mothered – by getting myself right first.

A complete turn-a-round for my kids.

They were no longer the problem, I was.

I had to first find out what my boundaries were in order for them to see me.

Mostly, when I became free to be myself and govern me, they were left with just being themselves. 

When I honored and respected Me, I did the same to them.

Without this book, I changed myself and became a better mother.

The reason, I feel it is completely hard for parents to parent this way, IS that they don't know who they are, and what their own boundaries are.  

You cannot set a boundary, you do not have.

You cannot present a self you do not know.

An amazing book!

The best parents know who they are where their boundaries lie.

 

 

 

 

 

What if, instead of changing, we did more becoming? Stop trying to 'improve' or change who we are; but instead we allowed.

Allowed all of who we are to appear.

To let our feelings have value and expression.

Give respect to emotions, especially when they appear difficult to honor.

Allow ourselves to be ourselves, without explanation.

Spend time watching for what we don't allow.

"I can't say that." 

"I am not allowed to say No."

"I have to go…"

To explore what boundaries you have in place that keeps you from becoming You.

We often read and hear about setting boundaries; and we seldom hear about allowing.

Allowing yourself to be different, to not match, to not go along to get along, to speak up, to disrupt the flow, to burst forth in your truth.

Allow for actions to match your feelings; especially if they are different from what we have always done.

Allow yourself to grow and become from within, even if it opposes what you are comfortable with.

Letting the you inside of you become, is completely enthralling and magical and horrifying when you have lived away from yourself for a long while.

We choose to live lies, because we had to in order to survive; to be one with the group, to be approved of, to be liked, to fit in.

There also comes a time, we have to stop lying in order to live.

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." Anais Nin

I have lived in a tight bud, my inner self and expression of me hidden from view. And, I have lived fully exposed and open.  I prefer the blossom to the bud.

It is like breathing and not breathing.

Maybe it is comes with age, where it is harder to pretend; or we feel the passing of time and that we have less to live than what we have used up.  But, if not now, when?

There is no part of me that wants to return to the bud.

When I followed the truth of what I felt, I began to unfold and expand and unfurl.

Allowing yourself to expose You, can be very terrifying, while extremely empowering and exciting.  It is to watch the birth of you.

When I first began this process, there was just a small bud of me. A terrified bud. One who understood one thing.  I was abused. And, the rest of my world didn't make sense.

Yet this one wounded bud, was enough to allow the rest of me to come forth. I didn't bloom in one day. It has taken years.  Each year a bit more unfolds. In each choice, a petal is revealed.

Imagine the world if all of us could allow ourselves to become who we were born to be?

To fully express our inner beauty and originality!

What I know to be true, is that the blossom of you, will be fully supported.

And loved.

by you.

I am fairly certain that I am the most in awe of who I have become.

While the outside may appear bleak, that I have lost so much, my inner view, of the garden within, is quite lush. 

I love myself much more as a full blooming flower.

Who knew what the bud would look like, when I allowed it to be Me.

Fear certainly kept me in a tight bud; fear of disappointing, being disproved of, disliked, unloved, unpopular.

Fears that were spot on.

They did come to fruition.

There truly does come a time, where the risk to remain tight in a bud is more painful than the risk to blossom.

I did lose.

But oh, did I gain.

Again, the blossom is so much more easier to be; than the bud.

As the blossoming flower, I can confidently express my nature.

Perhaps all those who are looking for change, are just looking for a petal to unfurl!

I hope so.

Allowing the petals to unfurl would bring such beauty to this world.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Another full year awaits us, wide open and a clean slate.

What will your intention be for you this year?

Will you make promises you can't keep?

We approach a year as if the year has more power than the voice inside of us.

Who is making the promises and to whom?

Last year my word for the year was Dare. 

In situations where I was torn, the word would push me into a decisions. Often a decision that I would not have made, if it were not for the promise to myself to dare more this year.

So, as I sit here today, I am pondering my new word.

I want it to be playful and silly, nonsensical.

NONSENSICAL is my word!

I LOVE this.  

For way too many years I have been so serious, so methodical and reasonable, so responsible to be nonsensical. 

I was afraid to be too silly and playful.

What I believe, but can't prove, is that I was caught and abused while playing, so I became very serious and aware. Didn't dare let my guard down to throw caution to the winds and just be a kid and play.

I have said my sense of being responsible has been a heavy burden and weight upon me.

I felt too responsible; even for things that were not mine to carry.

The happiness of others, to carry more than my share, to put my needs aside for everyone….oh the list is long.  A sensible list of being the oldest girl of 14.

Now, I will try and release the nonsensical energies within me.

Letting go of being so serious will allow my soul to run free – childlike.

My actions don't need to make sense.

Impractical and ridiculous will be fun things to do!

Imagine the ludicrous, and the preposterous – that will be Me.

2018 will be the year I let go of being so responsible and sensible.

I looked up the antonyms to nonsensical and there I was – realistic and reasonable!

 

 

And, for some reason, this photo will not post upside right.  I guess this is my start to being nonsensical!

I am excited for a year of full of finding moments to be nonsensical – to let my inner crazy silly girl run free!

Good-bye Daring, what a wonderful adventurous year you gave me.

Out with the old and in with the new!

My soul is excited contemplating the year ahead!

I LOVE letting go of being responsible and reasonable! 

Yes!!! Nonsensical we will have so much fun this year!!

I wonder in which ways nonsensical will grow me?

How will releasing nonsensical, change my world?

It feels light and free.

I want this for me; very much!

I love having words that will change how I answer when choices appear.

My nonsensical muscle will get a workout this year!

 

When past ghosts of dysfunctional behavior arrives by the way of my old pleasing ways; it can swiftly lower my energy to a point of "being all glum over there in the corner". 

What I am always surprised by is the sneakiness, or how it is hidden in 'kindness'.

I can now see more clearly how pleasing steals your joy, how doing to make others happy, can have the reverse response IF there are too many pleases at one time.

Being aware, like hyper-vigilant about what you are doing especially during busy holiday times is very key for those of us who are recovering people pleasers and co-dependents.

I got lost in what everyone else needed and forgot about me, until I felt backed in the corner and overwhelmed. Everyone was happy; but me. 

Goal made.

My old ways accomplished.

When you please everyone and forget about your own needs, you will be glum in the corner.

It has been a long while, since I lost sight of my needs.

Or, my ability to say no and let others be less happy.

What I also learned was that when you deplete your energy, it doesn't come back easily or with the intention of "It's Christmas Eve, Be happy now."

My inner energy balance was drained.

Not by one too many batches of cookies, but the combination of many things.

I got caught up in doing it all.  

Like I had done so much in the past.

I used way way overextend myself, to serve those who I thought needed a brighter christmas. 

Like I was Christmas Joy.

Only to end up joyless.

Empty.

Energy spent.

It wasn't one request or one thing, I thought needed to be done, it was the combination of it all.

What was most surprising to me, was me.

My feeling, the feelings in the state of being empty.

This hasn't happened to me in a long long while; like years a decade or more.

I got to revisit the scene of christmas, family, lights, presents and not have that fill you up.

Meaning, if you arrive empty, you will leave empty.

I have known, and felt for years now, Christmas can't replace the inner joy of being.

It's not its job.

Each of us are responsible for the energy we bring into the room, as Dr. Jill Bolte-Taylor says; but, we are also responsible for keeping our energy high, and not draining it to fill others.

For some reason, this christmas I lost my ability to monitor my own energy, until it was all sucked out.

Too late.

And, I had to watch how it felt to be so empty of energy.

I sat and noticed, noting how our inner world is solely ours to repair. 

Nothing from the outside can refill me.

I have to do it.

I can truly see how our mental health – inner feelings- are so important.

In the past many years, I have not felt this drained feeling, or the come down after christmas. I could never articulate what that was.  Now, I can see it be empty of self.

Where you give far beyond, forgetting to keep a reserve. And, even giving to those who you can't fill. Please the un-pleaseable.

The glumness of being empty overshadow all on Christmas Eve Eve.

What an incredible gift to re-visit my old self.

What joy to know, this is no longer my usual me.

The weight of what some may call depression or feelings of blue, is hard to live with inside.

Our personal inner landscape has to be tended to with care.

We are the ones we are waiting for.

It is up to us to keep our insides happy.

We can't deliver happy, joy or love.

You can't receive happy, joy or love.

We have to be happy, in joy and in love from the inside out.

Doing whatever it takes to keep our inner light shining bright.

And, giving others the ability to do the same.

I appreciate the ghosts of christmas pasts that came to visit.

The gift I had to see my past self.

I know where I lose my energy and what it takes to keep my love, peace and joy.

When, you have joy inside, the christmas is icing on the cake.

When you don't have joy, Christmas can't deliver it, no matter what gifts you get or don't get, who is there or isn't there.

Christmas is a feeling you have inside.

Merry is what we are!

 

 

 

 

"Art is something you do, that no one can take away" Terry Crews

Hearing those words on a podcast today, made me emotional.  I felt their truth.

Art truly is something no one can take away.

It is personal, and part of us that no one can remove.

Which is why my fiber art meant so much in the early years after discovering I was abused.

Learning about my abuse, I felt abused all over again. That the perfect part of me was taken, that I was somehow cheated on being an innocent.

Creating Art somehow restored the specialness inside of me.

It was a part of me that will remain untouched.

This makes me love Art and its process even more! 

Art restores the soul and that cannot be removed.

Art therapy, has to know this.

 

On a different podcast, I heard this. "To take something to a different level, you have to go too far, to create a new paradigm." JD Roth

Meaning, in order to create a new pattern, you have to be "way out there".  I LOVE this too.

It affirms what I have felt.

In changing the legacy of abuse, your life will have to be so different in order to really make the change into a new paradigm. It can't be sorta different, but way out there.

And, the good news, for me, is that I have been accused of this. Of taking things too far, of being so different.

I know we all know this.  Yet, we don't want to really know this, for it will mean doing things completely different.  If you want to shift into a new paradigm, you will have to be way out there when it comes to doing your every day life. Different doesn't mean kinda sorta the same. And, you will often be alone, in order to rise to a new level.

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over expecting different results." Einstein.

What I believe so many struggle with, is wanting things to change, but not wanting to go so far away from what they are used to doing.  Or for the change to upset or disturb their worlds. 

And, to be seen as going too far!

Most just want to have things magically rise to a new level without having to travel too far off the beaten path.

I love days when I hear things that affirm my journey.

These quotes feel true to me.

I love that my actions and life choices are too far away from my old ways of being.

 

It is good to know that I have gone too far and that my art cannot be taken away from me!

Also, on the podcast it mentioned that Art often is the most expressive after a turmoil or an upheaval, when things appear to be falling apart. Artist rise and give balance to darkness.  

I know this was true for me. 

My art balanced out my life.

Art is quite a healer on so many levels.

The process of doing art for me; is a life stabilizer, where I find joy, love and peace, where I express my unexpressed emotions, where life makes sense, when life doesn't make sense,and where I found myself, and where my soul felt its worth.

Doing Art really is a therapy session for me!

While it is silent; it speaks.

Through color, design, and motion or emotion – art and I dance to the beat of my heart.

I learned in art to do things I love, what makes me feel alive, what brings a smile, where joy is seen. And, my life is me imitating my Art – and sometimes, my art imitates my life.

(The quilt I created after falling down many times racing in the Great Bear Chase 10K)

 

My journey going too far, certainly has been much kinder to me, with my Art.

My art often is the entry point and breaks the silence of abuse.

What a journey we have been on; My Lady, my Art and I.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What are my life's greatest lessons; so far?

What have I learned that has impacted my life, and allowed me to be who I am today?

Is there something that others can learn from me?

Am I an example, or a lesson?

Can I be both?

Will it not be in the eye of the beholder?

I learned my lessons well as a child.  

Lessons taught from the viewpoint of a strict religion, a dysfunctional family and my role models didn't rock boats or go outside the lines.

My lessons were laced in fear.

Undoing them has been to unravel my emotional and psychological damage IN HOPES of finding a self that I could live with.

What I am sure many fail to appreciate, is when you have been emotionally, physically and mentally damaged, you can't know if you will find a self that you can live with.

One who is at peace.

Who can find joy.

A self that feels like contentment and fulfillment.

A whole self.

Even if she is imperfect, patched and with scars.

A person you can feel proud of.

The woman who left the family, wasn't cheered, isn't seen as strong, or kind.

So, I had to be my own cheerleader first.

And believe in my strength.

Feel my kindness to me.

In life, our inner circles usually are our greatest support. 

When you try and get healthy and put up boundaries, in a dysfunctional home, the inner circle will become your greatest hurdle.

My lessons, were to do differently than my mother.

That left us at complete and utter odds.

She still tries to be part of my world.  

I received my 59th birthday card.

She says, "Love, forever and always", like words mean something.

My biggest lesson was to do what she could not do.  

I don't berate her.  

I know, what it costs me to walk against abuse.

I know what I lost.

Many feel they can be vigilant, be aware enough and stay in and around and with relationships where abuse lives.

I disagree.

Many feel that kindness and love and acceptance and forgiveness WILL undo the legacy of abuse. 

I disagree.

IF, that worked, there would be no abuse in the world.

My lesson IS that in order for you to be against abuse, you will have to walk away from those who abuse, who support abusers by being kind and family to them…

My biggest lesson looks like a big failure, for in the end, I end up without a family of origin.

I stand alone.

They end up together, gathering as usual. Abuse a blip on the screen, a long while ago – or are they unaware of new blips to yet another generation?

Both sides are teaching, and learning, and being examples.

Nothing goes un-noticed.

Many will see my life as an example of what happens when you do speak up and about and against abuse – you become estranged.

Still, others will see me as an example of being free of abuse, a strict religion, inauthentic relationships – a free spirit.

You will see me with your perception.

And, that perception can change,

but, will it change Me?

Who am I to you, will depend upon how you see yourself.

I have lived life from both sides now, and I love being a free spirit.

Your eyes in the group will look at me much differently, than those living outside the lines!

 

 

 

I grew quite a lot in one year.  I experienced things I had never done before and placed myself in situations that were beyond my comfort zone, and I grew.

I learned how much more I can do and what I am capable of and how the body will rise to each challenge, and I learned how individualized life is. No one really cares more about you; than you.

I learned I am not a racer.  Trying to beat time didn't ignite me. I enjoy the activity and time actually fades away. It was fun to be part of a team!  The real racers have perfected their skills and are real athletes!  I am a joy rider!  I love being outside with friends!

I learned that I can ride far and carry my own supplies.  I learned that my fears are often huge in my head and in real life; quite small.

I was quite anxious wondering how I would make the ride, the camping and being among new women I didn't know. Setting aside my fears, it went remarkably well. I would LOVE to do this again. It was challenging, and I learned I need better gear; but it was so achievable!  And, I made new friends and found new personal skills.

I wonder where I will ride and camp next year and with who? Who will meet and what new place will I discover?

And, I learned how to ride a Skegway!  Talk about fun – it was discerning and funny all at once.  In one short hour I felt like a pro! I would totally do this again.  My fears, were falling and going out of control, and none of it happened. I can't wait for the next opportunity to do this!

And, the ladies of WIND, did a few overnight camping trips and we kayaked, biked and hiked.  I had to learn how to pull a trailer!  It was easier than I thought; but it does require you to think ahead.  I would much rather have my kayaks on the jeep!

And, then I tried the paddle boards out!  OH My, they are much harder than I thought, and I can see with a good hip, they would be fun to have.  I would much rather be on the shores of Lake Superior than in town by a dock and bridge and boats. But, hey I was on one, and I stood up and paddled and steered it around – and fell.  Another fear conquered.

And then I was part of a Copper Man Team – Team 49916 – And, my segment was to bike 23 miles. 

Me among some great athletes again.  My hat is off to those who really get into racing and building a strong body. But, as I learned earlier in the year, I am not a racer girl.

There were a few of us who dared to enter, knowing we would be in last place.  I loved the cheerleaders, who recognize the courage it takes to be out of your element.

As my 58th year comes to a close, I know that I am a finisher! I have danced with my fears and won.  I dared, (which was my word for 2017) and because I dared, I had a wonderful adventurous year!

I sit on the eve before 59, I am grateful for all that I did in one small year; not counting all the other less fearful moments of joy, hiking, biking, loving, creating, being.

Life isn't about being fearless.

It is about letting your fears ride along.

Gather them close, become friends and see where you will go!

I am so looking forward to being 59!

I will always look fondly at being 58 and how I grew!

 

I brought in some of the tubs to start decorating our home.  My granddaughter was helping me, and was excited to see what we would discover in the buckets.

Bright bulbs, stars, delicate candles, greenery and lights…we then saw the Mangers, and she said, "I want to play with the barn and girl".

I then decided, we would not  be putting up the mangers this year.

I wasn't ready to introduce her to the theme of sin, a savior and her 'unworthiness'.

How have I celebrated without religion in the past 12 years?

Do I still want the familiar religious decorations?

Is there a manger message without sin, and a savior who died, to wipe ours away?

 Can there be a new story about a barn, and a girl, and Christmas?

How would it read?

This girl and how do we celebrate Christmas for her?

As they say, "Christmas is for children…"

Maybe it is just a barn and a girl, and we have added the meaning in our minds.

Meanings and definitions that keeps us all at odds and different from one another.

The animals are animals in the barn she would love to play with; as would the baby be.

Perhaps the bigger lesson is for me to look at the manger as she does.

Without the content of religion.

And, see just a barn and a girl.

We can put the manger up to remind us to leave religion out of it.

 

 Let's decorate and focus on being present, to feel love and give what we love.

Christmas is the season to Celebrate Love and Presence!