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Learning how to manage life, often means juggling between reality and our preconceived idea of how our day will go.

The best laid plans often get put aside in order for life to move forward.

Perhaps it is best to lead from this moment in time, and do the next thing that pops up.

I am getting better with life's sudden turns. 

From an open night of bike riding, to instead running errands so my husband can fix my breaks. The breaks began grinding on my route. They can't wait.  But the bike ride can.

Sometimes I plan a yoga class in the morning.

In the morning, I love the sunrise tea and silence.

I feel the need to hand stitch on a quilt.

Yoga is set aside.

I am at peace in a different way.

The week seems wide open and then opportunities arise.

An old friend wants to meet for a walk and talk. I say yes.

More often than not my head wants to plan, when actually life flows naturally.

I know when to do what brings me the most contentment or peace.

I lean towards things that fill me and add great context and color to my life.

And, I know when I need space.

Silence.

Broken by morning song birds.

Warm tea.

And fabric.

Yoga is there.  I will know when its time to go.

The bike rides will happen.

Life flows with what we love to do.

And, having a life of peace, means doing the next thing in reality.  You will know, when you have the space, the effort and the desire.

Life in reality is so incredibly alive.

Extra Ordinary woman doing amazing things, are my inspiration. Pushing beyond the expectations of others!

I created this quilt to recognize the badassery in completing a full Ironman.

During which her bike was left in a high gear and she pushed the bike up hills.  Imagine the tenacity it takes to not quit when things get tough.

I don't know her, (well we are friends on social media – and are becoming known to each other) but she adds hope and possibility to my world.

She needed the assistance of a leg person. One who would carry her legs into the transition stages of the race! Adapting to her needs to be successful to obtain the goal she had her sights on.  I love that she made the race as she needed it to be.

We all are in our own unique journeys.

Thank you Emily for showing us all, there are no boundaries! 

Congratulations again for being a badass Ironman finisher!!

Badassery in action!

To read more about her – here is her blog.

Amp Tri Life

 

 

Integrity – the state of being whole and undivided.

I heard this definition and it made complete sense to me.

Integrity is about how you feel inside.  About doing, saying and being in harmony with your truth.

Integrity means, you have to do what you feel, or be divided inside.

Integrity means it isn't at all about the outside or the folks who live there.

It is all about your heart, mind and soul.

Often, I think we think of integrity as doing what you said you would do; an accountability to someone else. 

I had never heard it defined as being whole and undivided.

I love this.

I live this.

Integrity has brought me peace.

I am undivided and whole.

We often hear talk about being whole.  And, it is a fuzzy idea of what we should be. Rare is it said, that being whole is being undivided.

We don't even speak of being divided.

Of knowing our heart and soul want one thing, and that our mind is dictating something else and how divided our inner world is.

Being undivided is a peace unlike anything I have ever experienced.

Its value is something I am unwilling to negotiate.

In the early years of cultivating this, I would write out my dividedness, the tug and pull of the waring mind.

And, I would follow the road that brought me peace inside.

Each decision towards a peaceful inside, expanded the peace inside of me.

I still weigh decisions by how it would feel to me.

This is huge coming from a past people pleaser. 

I love that the road to integrity is to be whole and undivided.

 

The other definition of integrity is – "the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles – moral uprightness.

This part, I believe, comes after the war of becoming undivided.  It is then you can know what you stand for and what it will take to keep you whole.

 

As a child, I was given the moral codes of my parents and the church my mother believed in. I was taught moral principles.  In the very strict culture, you are not allowed to go out and find your own moral compass.  

Your life is led by the compass of the church.

You follow.

There is no need for individual wholeness.  The completeness comes from being a good christian. You are dependent upon the 'good opinion' of others to be good. It is a very co-dependent relationship, one where your inner landscape isn't valued.

When the places that housed my morals crashed, I fell apart.

It was then, I discovered the world inside of me.

A heart, a mind, and a soul were now available for me to engage with. 

When I found my own wholeness, I no longer needed the compass of the church.

It took years to build my own compass and moral principles.

I didn't know what I was doing when I worked to keep peace inside of me; the wholeness was Me being Undivided.

I thought I was creating a new me, when in fact I was creating one without division.

A whole representation of Me.

There are many who feel that a victim of child sexual abuse will always be broken, and damaged.  I believe, that we can undo the damage, when we become empowered and live with our truths. 

And, now I can see how following our integrity will be very healing.

Perhaps we will have PTSD, but if you are living undivided, it will be less impacting.

I have compassion and understanding with my heart and mind. I know the path they have walked, the psychological damage that was done and the broken heart.

Both have experienced deep wounds.

And, yet both are stronger where they were broken.

My heart knows heartache so it loves differently.  My mind knows the narrow path of denial and religion and is now open to new ideas and reality.

Integrity for me truly is accepting what is without division. Without leaving pieces out.

Undivided.

Accepting reality as a whole is to live with integrity, as well as finding what connects the mind, body and soul.

What is your truth? What part of reality are you unwilling to accept? What part of you are you shutting out?

Wholeness cannot be found while being divided.

 

 

 

 

My 3 year old granddaughter was helping me add beads to my quilts. She would suggest colors and placement. I loved her ideas! 

After each quilt was tagged and ready for the show, she would say, “Hold it up Grandma” and she hugged it, saying to the Lady – “The people will be so happy to see you!”.

I love her simple expressions of Art.

How she feels the soul of Art.  She is very intuitive, for in each piece is the soul of the artist.

Art is very important to humanity, where we are often too shy to show our true nature, to be authentic and real.

Children and Art seem to be on the same channel.

I am excited for the Ladies to meet with others, to socialize and be seen.  Me too.  I love seeing others see my art!

Today, Sunday the 24th of June – from 4 to 6pm, we will be at the Wildflower's Show at 46570 US 41 – outside of Houghton heading towards Chassell!  

We hope to see you there! All are welcome!

Art LOVES to be seen!

 

I am in my 9th week of recovery, this week I have returned to work, biked and hiked – and the hip is holding up well.

Recovery pain is different than the pain of injury.

It is more like fitness pain.

Each time the pain gets less and the achievement becomes more.

In fact, I can see the potential of going further than I have ever been before.  Where the pain would stop me, I see an open space now.

The surgeon said, I will feel good at 3 months, and notice a remarkable difference at 6 months and will continue to heal for up to a year. 

I am excited to see where this new hip will take me.

The more I do things I love, the more I realize how fortunate I am.  I was able to get rid of the pain and rejoin life.  

Not only rejoin, but to find new adventures.

Life has the potential to be as full as you choose to make it – when you are without pain.

I am okay starting out slow.  

Slow is still moving.  

It is still being outside in nature and feeling the body growing stronger.

Life isn't as heavy when you are pain free.

The weight and pull of pain is no longer an anchor.

I now have the thrill or pull of potential.

Life and doing what I love seems possible; once again!

The recovery from physical pain is much less daunting than from emotional pain and I believe we do it a bit differently.

Emotional pain's needs are different and require us to change maybe our hearts and our souls.

Emotional pain is unseen.

It follows you everywhere like a bad soundtrack to your life.

Emotions can not be surgically removed.

Emotional pain requires you to create a life that supports it.

I will ponder this more, how different the recovery is for emotional pain.

I know, it was life changing, soul wrenching, and I became a different person through its recovery.

And, perhaps I will become a different person again when healed from my physical pain too.  

Life, while living may require many changes in who we are.

I love this.

Like Art expressing itself as life.

The circles we engage life in, change and expand and contract, and evolve as we do.

I love the ever changing landscape we call living. 

 

 

 

 

I highly recommend travel recovery; where you take a road trip while recovering from surgery. Not physically able to work, but yet in good shape to be a tourist.

I walked sandy beaches…

And rocky shorelines.

Climbed a  few steps.

 

Steps leading to new views are way more exciting.

One tower was too high for me to climb, but just going part way was my therapy for the day.

While walking around each new little town searching for art and interesting things I took many steps and usually investigated each shop until my hip hurt.

New England narrow streets held many little shops.

And I went down many paths to smell the scents of spring/summer.

10 days so far of seeing sights I have never seen before, traveling through states I have never visited. How grateful am I to recover as I travel along. That my therapy steps have been on all new territory for me!

We are still on the road but heading towards home and further on the road to recovery!

 

 

Today I looked at my wedding album, a small, very small plastic one, with just a dozen or so pictures. Small amateur 3 x 2 snapshots of our special day. 

It's a reflection of how my old religion, and society in general, looked upon a couple who were expecting a child before marriage. 

We were supposed to keep it quiet and small.

Shameful.

Yet, I don't remember that day as being one of shame; but of happiness and love!

One of my biggest regrets was that we didn't have professional pictures taken.

These small blurry and now fading pictures are all we have of that day.

My estrangement leaps out as soon as I opened the album, for in it is Family.  

Pretty much just family.  My husband's best friend was his best man, so he was there; other than that, family.

All my memories from long ago, will now carry a bittersweet tone.

The girl in the pictures has come along way.

I love my innocence in not knowing what I didn't know. It is incredible to me how I lived beneath the closed mind.

How I was able to love and nurture, and parent, is beyond what my mind can hold?  In fact, I wasn't able to truly love, until I fell apart and found the real me.

The greatest challenge our marriage faced was my self-discovery and undoing the brainwashing of a strict religion.

Who I was when I married and who I would become, are so far apart.  

It is a tribute to my husband, for he allowed me to undo. 

We laid aside our marriage in order for me to discover who I was and in doing so made our marriage stronger. A marriage is as strong as the two individuals contained within.

Our greatest strength is our ability to be authentically original!

I love who I am so much more today, than who I was back in those pictures. I love the freedom I have to make choices, grow and expand Me.

Our marriage began with love, passion and unique individuals and it continues today!

Looking back, there was no way to predict how my journey would change me and how my marriage would support the freedom to be me.

I believe, love is free.

It has no chains or fences.

It is the wide open space of love.

Inclusive and requires the integrity of truth.

Happy Anniversary to Us!

We have come a long way together!

 

 

 

Tomorrow is the 10th Anniversary of this Blog. It is amazing that I have been coming here to discover more about me. It has been a place to sort out my confused mind and leave more aware.

I am proud of its content, and the author.

I have touched on touchy subjects, shined light into dark places and spoke from my heart – often displaying brilliantly tragic emotions and self-discoveries.

It's the journey of leaving a family of abuse, a cult-like religion and learning how to be empowered, free and self-loving; learning how to be imperfectly Me!

Often the blank sheet of paper, a keyboard and Me, worked to find answers I couldn't see. It was a place for me to sort out my confused mind and to honor my feelings.

I always left better after publishing.

I would never have suspected that I would be coming here for 10 years, and that I would still be finding things to blog about. 

Life moves on.

Changes come.

We grow.

Our awareness expands the more willing we are to see.

To see all things, most importantly the hard things.

The ones we would rather leave untouched, for we know it will cost us something. That we will be expected to change our perceptions of ourselves or the world around us.

I am grateful for the opportunity I gave myself to explore my world and who I am.

In the early days of journaling, I wondered how would I accept me; when so many rejected me and my truths.  And, maybe because they didn't accept me, I had to be the change I wanted to see – first.

I had to love and accept the darker parts of who I was.

When I loved myself more, automatically I began making boundaries.

Many people over the years marvel at my ability to be outside of my family, like I have a choice.

The choice was to stand by Me or to leave me behind.

It wasn't really about family – they were the residual cost.

A brother walked with me for many years, 8 or so. And, then he turned around and went back to family.

He silenced his life from me, so I can't know why.

It is very odd to see him once again standing in family photographs.

Being part of their worlds.

I often wonder about his soul.

He and I began blogging on the same day.  

We spent millions of hours speaking about the effects of abuse and how upside down our childhoods left us. I can't imagine how his mind brought him to where he once belonged. 

His blog has been mostly silent since he went back.

What I know for sure, sitting here 10 years later is that our minds developed in abuse and steeped in a cult like religion, are not our friends. They were created to serve needs that don't mutually serve us.

In order to be healthy and self loving, I had to most often do the opposite of what the mind believed.

The greatest divide between myself and my family is how we dance with our minds; how we challenge and/or believe our thoughts.

In my last text conversation with my brother, I suggested that the only thing that changed between us was our perceptions. We see ourselves, the world and our families differently.

I know that I have changed, when my perception of who my father was changed. Like a domino affect, little by little I saw life completely differently. And, when you see differently you act differently.

The cost of living in denial was too much – it is my intention to stay aware.

And, hopefully I will know when I turn and leave myself behind. I will feel the loss of Me.

As a child, I don't believe I had a big enough sense of self; before she was stolen away by outside needs. I left me to be a good religious girl, a servant daughter etc. Now, that I have her back, I am unwilling to easily shrug her off.

I'm perfect and it is impossible not to be.  

When I tried to be perfect, I lost me. Being imperfect fit me like a glove and embraced all of me – leaving nothing behind.

10 plus years of being imperfectly perfect!

Hearing the little footsteps behind me has kept me striving for authenticity.

The more I can love myself just as I am, the more my children and granddaughter will see a role model to look up to.

My greatest achievements in this lifetime, has been to end the cycle of abuse in Me.

At my core is self -love and worthiness.

The more I value me, the more value I can see in others, OR their lack of self-worth.

Giving my child and grandchild the gift of feeling worthy just as they are, is beyond what my heart can hold

There is nothing they have to do to earn my love; but be themselves.

This blog is ultimately how to find love of Self after abuse and to begin a new cycle of LOVE.

 

I made my first trip out of the house in almost two weeks using my walker.  It felt good to get dressed and climb into the Jeep. It was a stretch getting in, and a nice slide out! I wasn't driving, but a happy passenger!

I noticed people not looking at me with my walker. Like looking away from my "handicap". Odd.  I caught a snippet of what it feels like to be a tad off physically. 

There I was me as Me can be, but invisible behind the walker; like it was a sign to not look out of politeness.

I know I have done this, letting the person be in their privacy, not really understanding, we leave them alone – unnoticed.

I am not sure I can articulate the little glimpse I had in this world. But, from now on I will make sure to acknowledge folks regardless of their helping device.

And, then I was with a cane, and I was treated like an older person who needs help.  And, yeah I guess I do. But, it again felt so weird to be seen in this manner.  People opening doors, holding doors, giving you patience. 

I had another run in with a space that didn't allow enough aisle room for the walker, so I had to leave it with Paul to carry and I had to use the tables and booths to navigate this space.

You see the world different depending upon your own needs. And, you take for granted how easy the world is to navigate with just your legs.

Healthy strong legs.

Today I asked why my knee is so sore and found out they torque it pretty hard to dislocate my hip during surgery. I didn't want to know more. I have one more hip to go in the future someday.  

Each day the pain feels more like soreness and less like pain if that makes sense.

I am free now to walk my home without an escort on the stairs! I feel so liberated!

I can drive again.

However, I will most likely stay home for the week I need the cane and when I venture out use the cane.  The outside world seems full of ways that will trip me up!

I look forward to going down in the basement, the doctor approved me sewing. I still have to rest half of each hour this week. Next week a bit less. I have many weeks off of work to fill with art and fun things – and naps or just reclining. I am catching a sneak preview of retirement – I know I will handle it without a hitch!

Yet, with the pain getting less and less, I don't feel that it will be a struggle to make it to retirement; but I will actually be too busy to worry about when that will happen.

It is amazing how pain can cloud a life and make your world smaller and smaller.

And, then to see it open back up…it is amazing.

Feeling very grateful to be Me!

Soon, I will be riding topless again!

It was a weird feeling to lay on a gurney saying good-bye to an original body part.  To let a piece of you go.  I was grateful to my hip that it carried me to this point.  For months I worried that it wasn't strong enough to make it; but it had.  Through all the pain, it held me upright while I worked, snowshoed and hiked. Yet saying good-bye was a bit emotional, knowing it had done its best but it was time to go. It had brought me to the finish line. I was in line for an operating room.

And, it was equally odd to try and set the tone to accept a piece of hardware that wasn't a living source.  I told my cells to accept this new titanium hip. That this new one will carry us on more adventures and let us live with less pain.

I knew it would be a shock to us all.

As I entered into the operating room, the first person I saw was dressed in a hazmat suit with shield and full body coverings.  A gizmo that looked like a torture piece….and then I said, "While curious, it is best I not see anymore."

A shot was given to numb me from the waist down, and medicine was administered to put me to sleep. I watched the needle go into my IV and then I was awakened in recovery.

The exchange had happened. Out with the old in with the new, while I slept.

Oddly enough all that I feel is missing is that old pain.

I recognize the new hip by new pain.

Evidence of surgery is a small bandaged area in my upper thigh and lower belly.

Granted it is ouchy when I move or try to lift that leg into bed, and when I go up and down steps and sometimes when I walk.  It is a different kind of pain.

And, I am still on painkillers. So, we can't know the real story yet.

All my worries were unfounded.  I am much less handicapped than I had imagined.

I do need others to carry my walker from level to level.  I have tools that assist me in getting dressed or picking up stuff out of my reach.

I am learning to receive help.  I have friends who are helping with meals. I live with wonderful caregivers. I am grateful I have help as I transition from old hip to new.

On our drive home we stopped a small diner for a late lunch and I was greeted by a non-handicapped bathroom. One where my walker wouldn't even fit in and the seat was very low.  I managed; but with pain.  You don't really appreciate the luxury of handicapped stalls until you need one.

It was amazing to me, that 4 hours after getting the new hip I was walking with assistance from my walker.  I was moving, standing and putting weight on the new leg!

And, 24 hours later, I was discharged to go home and rest and heal.

I sleep really well, better than with my old hip.

I was given the license to be lazy.  I can only be up and about 10 minutes out of every hour. I have to do my exercise twice a day and elevate my legs three times a day.

I am still on lots of meds, so I am fairly sleepy.

I am allowing my body to heal from the shock of replacement.

I am learning to receive and be the care of the caregivers.

I feel hopeful that the new hip and I will go many places and experience an adventurous life that my old hip could no longer give me.

 

 

 My job is to listen to my body and surgeon for the best healing.