Category: Uncategorized

It's been 10 years since I began blogging, but I had written in journals for 4 years prior to that.  

Writing out my life's questions and troubling thoughts has been so life changing for me. It has allowed me to see me in a way I wouldn't otherwise.  

I found it is pretty hard to lie to yourself, and blog.

When I began writing about my life in journals, it was to find the truth.  I had lived my whole life previous, a few steps away from it.

Denial isn't so much about denying reality, but rather denying your feelings.

In the writing, I connected with my thoughts and feelings.

Julia Cameron was my first introduction to writing. She suggests "Morning Pages", where you write 3 pages each morning. You write to just get your thoughts on paper.

I had just begun her book "The Artist Way" when I discovered my own sexual abuse.

The paper was my lifeline to truth.

I went nowhere without pencils and a notebook.

The conversations become real in writing. Often by the third page, the answer would appear; an affirmation, a knowing or an otherwise unknown idea.

My writing was for me, first and foremost. It was my guide, which seems quite insane, for it is me holding the pencil.

Writing and the blank white page became my best friend. It was always there, always willing to hear anything. Non-Judgmental or impatient.

When something bothers me, running around in my head and disrupting my peaceful space, I write.

I talk to it, explore why it is upsetting me. What it is trying to tell me about me.

For, anytime I am upset, there is something in me that believes a lie.

They are not earth shattering lies, but little ones that pile up that create a stressful life.

I try and catch them as they land.

They are simple, and often none of my business.

Lies that I am in control of another's choice.

Lies that takes me out of my business and places me in the middle of someone else's life, where I wasn't even invited.

Life is fairly simple if you stay in your own lane.

And it is a full time job to do your own business.

There is more than enough to keep your attention if you are aware.

Your emotions, feelings, thoughts, dreams, wishes, intentions, goals, desires, and how you yourself connect with them and the world around you.

Mostly, I am delighted to know that I am not responsible for anyone. For so many years, I believed I was. It was a heavy burden to bear, especially when they never seemed to do what I thought was right for them, or better or kinder or loving.

Now, I can just do what is right and loving for me.

The wide expanse inside of me feels the space they left open just for me.

A whole field to breathe in.

I know living a full life will mean pain and sorrow. I have felt the deepest dark and the most life sucking darkness.  I have also felt the extreme delights in the simplest places.

Life and all its glory is open to be fully felt. 

I love my body, my mind and my life.

The sheer beauty of its unique nature.

How brilliant it is within the truth of what is.

 

Just like in art, the dark and the light make it beautiful. I would give nothing for my journey today.

There is no part I could have skipped. Each part made me who I am today.

 

 

So, I have sat with my ability to hurt, while I am standing up for my values. In the past many years, I have been working hard to be consistent with my core moral compass. To not go, or not spend time with people or projects that are not in harmony with them.

This often places me in the direct blast from those who feel the sting of my words.

In the past, I worked very hard to not 'upset' or disturb the feelings of others. I was the queen of People Pleasing!  I was a chameleon in my life. I based my words, my thoughts and beliefs to match the person I was with, IN order to flow harmoniously with them.

Disagreement, confrontation and any other sort of direct communication was not in my tool box.  Which I believe walks hand and hand with denial.  Instead of dealing with the reality, and its prickly and uncomfortable truths, we danced around them in pretend friendships.

Then, when the truth does fall at our feet, we all have a decision to make.  Greet it or ignore it.

I also believe, that those of us who are trying to live as authentically as possible, are easy targets to blame not so much for what happened, but for exposing it.

Those who are not ready for the truth, most often react the most viscerally.

Blaming the messenger, instead of the message.

I don't believe the nature of the voice, the quality of the tone, the words chosen, the extent of time, the right and perfect day, the longevity of the relationship, will soften the blow of the truth as it is revealed.

The content of the messenger is not going to help ward of the sting of someone seeing, speaking the truth, that you don't want seen or voiced.

It is easier to blast the messenger than it is to look into a truth.

So, while I can appreciate my brother feeling that my words and sentiments, were attacking and felt abusive. I am not sure, there would be anyway, to get around it. IF you want to have an open relationship that isn't based on secrets and things left unspoken.

Often we look at relationships as being about the people. And, they are.

But, they are also about what can be said and what can't be said.

We can either be open and sharing or in fear with secrets.

What is the fear of being open and transparent.

I do recognize that many people are too afraid to just be themselves. To reveal all.

And, with good reason.

From my experience it is not easy to fully accept all of you.

The wounds come with shame, and guilt and they don't feel good.

Not talking about them doesn't mean you don't feel those emotions. They just keep riding along, time travelers as unexpressed emotions.

What I have been lucky enough to have gone through, is that on the other side of the truth is peace. 

Reconciling my life and gathering all the ugly truths and airing them out, has given me what I feel is a bullet proof feeling. Meaning I can't be stung by others speaking of my truth. I have already sat with them.

And, I do welcome moments of when I am stung. When I am enraged and ignited, for it means there is a truth that is about to be revealed.  An emotional wound is about to be exposed.

What I try to do now, is FEEL this.

Be open to what comes up inside.

My body is an amazing truth teller.

And, perhaps I will learn when to speak and when to remain silent.

However, I also believe not all relationships are created equal. Each has levels of depth to them. The deeper ones, in my opinion demand more transparency and the ability to challenge each other, when we feel they are going against their own truths.

I also believe, there may come a time in each relationship were it dies.

And we all decide what sort of friendships, relationships, intimate partnerships we want.

What I needed prior to embracing my truth, was a shallow one. A co-dependent one. One where I was the people pleaser chameleon.

When I first was stung with my truth. I knew it was a big moment in the relationship for my husband and I.  I had no clue who I was, or who he loved or who he married.

We began walking with this empty self. Wondering who she would become.

We also left the old relationship on the floor.

We made a pact to just be ourselves. 

And, if one of us no longer wanted to be there, we would be free to say it.

We both knew, that without that freedom, we as a couple would have died.

Instead we flourished into a higher level of ourselves.

Free to be ourselves.

I am not interested in relationships that require me to be something other than who I am.

I am not willfully being unkind.

I am however being willfully truthful.

Silence about a 'hot button' issue is still silence.

Banned into Space, is still silence.

Truth doesn't die in silence.

It rides along always.

I wondered about the natural expression of truth.  How something doesn't make sense, until the whole truth is revealed, and then it does.  

Isn't there a saying "Eventually truth always wins."

I found this.

"The truth always wins in the end because it can never be destroyed, whereas lies are built on a fragile structure that can always be undermined by an eventual recognition of the truth.  That doesn't mean that the truth wins on human timescales – because we are merely human, with all the weaknesses that implies – or that truthful people win."

What I can only strive for is to be my truthful self and to live a life that is consistent with my values.

I may not win in most relationships, that are not open to the truth.

But, I will win inside of me.

We are works of art in the making.

When the paint of truth comes your way and sticks, welcome that part of you. Especially if it is the broken wounded part of you.

I will now sit with – do I apologize for being Me?

 

 

 

 

On Instagram Mirna Valerio asked,

"Tell me how you came to love your body. Tell me how you love what your body has been and is able to do? Tell me how your body amazes you every day. Tell me how your body has defied expectations (both your own, and others). Tell me how you encourage others to love their bodies. I want to know your story of body love and honor. If you don't have a body love story yet, that's okay. Take the opportunity to read others' stories and be inspired, motivated and encouraged. Look at your own life and make a plan for how you will try to love yourself a little more each day."  Mirna

I love this.

Isn't that an interesting story, "How I came to love my body."  

The more popular story is why I don't love my body.

 

How I came to love my body, was when I was 46 years old.  By then a mother of 4 children, overweight and fairly inactive.

It wasn't that my body suddenly deserved love, but rather I was made aware of how it carried my truth.

I loved and honored my body, not for its size or shape, but rather for its wisdom.

I became aware of the soft body within the body.

The world of feelings and unexpressed emotions.

The awakening to my innocence filled me with worth.

It was the polar opposite of how I had viewed myself prior.

I loved my wounded little girl and her wise body.

She came before the good opinion of others.

Before their needs and what would please them.

This wounded messed up girl unraveled herself using her body as her guide.

I loved the wisdom stored within my body.

I am not certain, who I loved first, the neglected little girl or the wise body.

It appeared as one.

What I want most for others to know, is that they are worthy and that their truth is priceless and that their bodies are wise with truth.

For years I worked on re-working a new pattern of living for me.

And, slowly began adding activities that I now love.

I love what my body does for me.

It is beyond what my heart can hold.

They are all seemingly small things; but are life altering.

Just the feelings of Me loving Me is life changing.

Imagine a life where your very starting point in all things, is love.

It makes all of life infused with love, peace and joy.

I know that with this self love comes the courage to be disliked, as a title of a book states.

The courage to be my self always.

I simply can't imagine living any other way.

I am the common denominator in all of my relationships, and how I feel about me IS what I bring to each of them.

I love my mind for what it has gone through and its ability to rewire and re-string new meanings of life. I love its ability to change its beliefs.

I love my body for all the incredible things it allows me to enjoy. A million sensations in a day.

I love the story of how I came to love my body.

I came to love it first through feelings of sorrow, grief, and pain beyond what my mind could hold. 

I felt the darkest and learned that the depth of sorrow would also be the depth of joy.

I honor my body by living the truth of what is.

I don't see my body as a size or a shape. 

I see it as an incredible complex and vital part that holds love.

It is the vehicle that allows me to experience life.

The vast wonders and levels of living.

The million ways to love.

 

My granddaughter and I began stating what we loved most about our day before going to bed.

Last night, she misspoke and called it our gorgeous things.

"Grandma, what was the most gorgeous thing today?"

She's almost 4 and its about Mommy, kitties and me.

I love that we lay and reflect before falling asleep about our gorgeous things.

How I came to love my body is the most gorgeous thing of all.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Regrets of the Dying by Bronnie Ware

 

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.

It is very important to try and honour at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.

2. I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.

This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.

By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.

3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.

Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.

We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.

It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.

When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.

Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness.  Bronnie

 

And, on a podcast with Lewis Howes, she spoke about the 6th regret, as  Not learning the power of kindness. To ourselves and others.  The hardest part of kindness is receiving kindness and love for ourselves.

 

As I sit here on the Eve of a New Year, and in the first year of my 60's, these are great reminders to live a life that will have the least amount of regrets, as well as the most fun to look back upon.

I have number one down pretty well, in that I live my life true to me. It wasn't always the case, but in the past 14 years, it has been my number one goal in each moment of life.

And, number two, I truly don't work too hard, or too much.  I have plenty of play time in my days and weeks, so that one too I am okay with.

Number 3, is another one I have managed to hone my skills at.  It has brought me great inner peace and self definition. I know who I am now, because I am aware of my feelings and I have the courage to express them.  I have also learned, that not everyone will appreciate, or accept how I see, and feel the world. And, I am okay with that. As I am free to be who I am, they too are allowed to see and feel me in the manner in which they do. While I am estranged from many, I feel that it is the truth of who we are, and reconnecting isn't what would be true for me.

As for staying connected to friends. There are friends that I have outgrown.  I am okay allowing the natural separation that has happened. I would no more want them to be in a place they are uncomfortable with, anymore than I would want to regress.  I am connected to those I feel connected to. And, the adage is true: We have friends for a reason, a season or a lifetime. I have learned to identify them.

I am getting much better at letting myself be happier. About expressing things that upset me and why.  And about looking into how I am the unhappy maker. It took me a long time to realize, it is my job. And, I took back the control from others.  I no longer allow others to make me unhappy.  Even more, I seek things that make me happy.  I move towards happiness.  

As for the 6th kindness regret. I have learned if you can't be kind to yourself, you will not be able to give kindness to others.  Being kind to me, was hard to learn and receive. It was achievable and I have learned this art form well.

I agree with these regrets, and more agree with living life regret free.

In my past, I see my evolution, and how my last days will unfold in peacefulness.

 

If we had the urgency of the dying, we would be able to become more honest with our lives and self.

I have lived more than I have yet to live.

I aim to live a life that will bring me the most peace in the end.

Leaving regrets behind.

If we live right, we can eliminate our regrets.

I had to find the real definition of regret.

"Feel sad, repentant, or disappointed over (something that has happened or been done, especially a loss or missed opportunity)"

Regrets are missed or lost opportunities.

Times we held back instead of reaching forward.

Times we said No, when we wanted to say Yes.

Or, even times we said Yes, when we needed to say No.

I am learning to catch opportunities and trying new challenges, to gather to me and my life, things that I will look back fondly upon.

Imagine of life of great memories, compared to one of great regrets.

My new year will be to leave the regrets at a minimum.

 

 

 

It has been many years now since I gathered with extended family on my side for the Holidays. 

Years of re-creating a new normal if you will. Striving to put forth a pattern.

Yet, it will take generations before it is complete.  It isn't to be done in my lifetime.

I often feel undone.

Incomplete.

Unsuccessful.

And my goal is.

It is not going to take shape until long after I am gone. And, perhaps my life will not even make sense until generations later.

Often, it barely makes sense to me. All I know, is that something within me is ironclad in feeling, that in order to change the legacy of abuse, I must do things differently.

 

It is like I had to create a new life detached from the family.

Which means, you are separated purposefully.

The purpose being, to choose what sort of family behavior will make up our family.

What are the key components that will allow each being to feel loved, safe and acknowledged.

How will our relationships will weave together, to create an atmosphere of peace, love and acceptance?

What is, or is not, acceptable behavior with each other.

What are we willing to overlook and look around, is there anything, we can't afford not to see and know.

 

Coming from a family where denial was the overlay, I am now seeking to live in transparency.  

Daring to voice the uncomfortable.

Being vulnerable and willing to lose it all, in order to preserve what is real.

Setting the tone of full disclosure of who I am and accepting where I have come from, and how I am learning to live life free from denying Me, in all my forms.

Family legacies are not changed in one lifetime.

It will take generations repeating what I have started.

Or not.

I can only live my life with the truest intentions to eradicate the behavior that supports abuse.

Zero tolerance has been my intentions.

 

It is hard to change from tolerance to intolerance. 

Hard to build boundaries where prior it was free range.

Difficult to be a different you.

 

Lonely too.

 

I often wonder about my path, my lot in life. How it is a privilege and a burden.

 

The distance between my old self and new is now nearing 15 years.

 

That is a long time to be separated and creating a new lifestyle and yet it is very young in the legacy of generations that make up a family.

When I split from the family tree, it was as if I was a seedling starting a new tree.

What I miss is the past matriarchs who would have set the tone for me.

I am singing a song I am making up as I go along.

Music from my heart and soul.

Feeling as I go.

 

My family tree and its traditions love uniqueness, open communication, respect, love that is free, being you and curiosity of life.

It is a work in progress, we don't know how this pattern will design itself.

I am following its lead.

 

I feel ghosts of the old pattern at times, and often get nostalgia for what I thought it was, and sometimes get weary of the solitary feeling of being the trail blazer. While at the same time, feel inspired and grateful for being on my journey of change.

Yet, I know it would be harder to be on the old path for sure. 

For once you know, you can't unknown, you can only pretend to pretend that you didn't see.

 

Thanksgiving to me is to be grateful for the new pattern that is slowly emerging.

I see it in my granddaughter, she gets two generations before her.

Women who are guiding her, by walking in ways of integrity and loving kindness.

I am at peace in knowing my separation from family will matter in the lives of generations beneath me.

The pain and suffering I endured will not be for naught. It will stop the self destroying abuse that was my legacy.  And, give to my grandchildren and their children a pattern that will spread love and kindness.

Love that is free and truthful, real and vulnerable.

We all get to be completely ourselves, a pattern of free expressions and love of self.

On Thanksgiving, I give thanks for walking with people I love and respect.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Going with the flow was an experience, not just words as we paddle on the Sturgeon River yesterday.

We decide to paddle up the river, trying to make it up to the dam near Otter Lake.

But, I hadn't understood what it means to go against the current, until you are in a kayak paddling upstream.It means you have to paddle very hard to get anywhere, and if you stop, you lose the ground you just covered.

Or, you have to go on shore, and get out of the flow of the current. We did this a few times, just to catch our breath and give our arms a break.

After a few hours, we stopped for a break. It was quite clear we would not be reaching the top, unless we had a full day to do it.

So, we went up a bit further hoping for the narrower river, with less of a current, and a an easier paddle.

It was when we stopped fighting the current, took our paddles out of the water and let the river take us with her, that we all breathed a sigh of relief.

Going with the flow, felt incredibly peaceful.

The ease had me feeling giddy.

We all relaxed, and were able to catch a few photographs.

We chatted, dipped our paddles, kicked back and enjoyed the float back to the bridge.

What took us three hours, was now covered in one hour.

An hour of steering the kayak, and a few gentle strokes here and there.

There wan't a huge effort required.

You could literally enjoy the scenery and feel at one with nature, instead of the struggle.

Immediately, I understood the phrase, "going with the flow".  

Or, even accepting what is.

It truly is an easier route to take.

There are many things in life, in the current of life, that are hard to accept or go with.  However, I am pretty sure it is like a river. Going against the current moment, is harder than going with it.

To accept and embrace what is.

Feel the beat of this moment and time and not try and fight it.  

After paddling like mad for 3 hours, to release the kayak into the current was so freeing.

We felt it down to our cells.

Joy replaced the focused effort.

 It was a great day.  I loved the exercise and how it felt to exert my muscles and even the accomplishment of paddling 7.3 miles.

And, I loved the life lesson it taught!

There are two ways to go through life, with the current or against it.

 

 

 

 

"Churches are just buildings and organizations full of flawed people."  comment on Facebook.

 

That comment is the typical conclusion of a discussion when sexual abuse comes up in a religious organization. They toss aside the beliefs and water it down to a building and flawed folks.

No religion here.

No belief here to discuss or debate.

The folks are flawed, and are no reflection of this religion. 

Where did God and Jesus go?

How is it possible that a religion can just be a building and a bunch of flawed people?

 

Is this a way to deflect the direct attack on the religion they love, by removing the religion and just showing the building and its flawed people.

Yet, can you have a religion without the people?

Who invented religion?

Who we all be without religion?

 

Religion – I had to go and look up the definition."the belief in and worship of a superhuman controlling power, especially a personal God or gods."  -

"a particular system of faith and worship."

"the service and worship of God or the supernatural." commitment or devotion to religious faith or observance." 

"a personal set or institutionalized system of religious attitudes, beliefs, and practices."

 

Nowhere did it mention just a building with flawed folks.

The buildings contain folks who follow the institutionalized system of religious attitudes, beliefs and practices.

They think alike.

Believe alike.

Within a particular system of faith and worship.

 

When wars can start because of religion, there is much more to it, than flawed people.

 

Religious people, those who worship the same in a systemic way, are understandably shaken, when one of their own sexually abuse children.

I get it.

There are many good people who are religiously following the attitudes, beliefs and practices of their religion.  And, it has to shake them to the core to find out that not all in their group believe the same.

I know that there is much comfort to be part of a group of people who think and believe the same. Who have the same morals and values and sins.

It gives you a sense of control about the universe and living…and, even dying.

The forgiveness of sins can turn your world right.

I get it. I believed it too. Innocently and faithfully, until I experienced the flaw IN the religion.

Most, will not ever accept their religion is flawed.

I also get that.

We were taught to believe the rightness of each of our religions we were raised in. Many have stayed in the same religion. Those who leave, often struggle with this decision for years. We feel less than, when we are no longer part of the group. We are less than a good christian, when we no longer believe like the group.

I left abruptly, but like I said, I had been wondering how to leave.  Wondering how my mother would take it, and the friends I had inside. How to then live without a religion.

I didn't miss the building.

It was never about the building.

Nor, would I have called the religion – flawed people.

I seriously believed, when I believed, that we were on the right path to God and dying saved.

It wasn't until I could step back and see how the religion had dealt with pedophiles and victims of sexual abuse, did I see the flawed religion.

The flawed leaders.

And followers.

How their very belief, enabled and allowed sexual abuse to flourish for years and continues to do so.  

Is it possible that the religions are flawed?

Most will not be able to bring this thought in.  I fully understand and empathize.

It would shatter your whole world to know this.

The once untouchable, pure religion is now in danger of being less than. And, that thought alone is not one anyone is willing to entertain.

It is much better to define, their religion as just a building and organization of flawed folks.

That way, the pristine image of their religion remains untouched.

It leaves the church and its people behind.

Separate.

 

What would religion be, without the building and folks?

Could it survive without people?

Is that why the people don't want to leave it behind, to take a break and walk away?

Where is religion located?

Would God be okay without religion?

Would we?

 

In my experience, when I left my church, I was okay.

God and I began a new relationship.

A spiritual one.

Without a middleman.

 

This is my church

 

 

 

 

 

 

I heard a question being asked on a podcast – "When does your body feel the most beautiful?" Which was answered by Mirna Valerio with, "When I am running, I feel powerful and that makes me feel beautiful." 

 

I love this new way of feeling beautiful.

When does your body feel the most beautiful is so different than when does it look the most beautiful.

The feelings of empowerment, confidence and peace.

My body feels the most beautiful when I can just be Me.

It does feel beautiful paddling along in a kayak, or pedaling a bike, or hiking in the woods, or walking along the water. 

It feels beautiful when its in loving relationships.

It feels beautiful swimming, and even when I am struggling to learn new things.

I love how the body can adapt to new activities.

 

Beauty is much more about just being real.

It feels beautiful to be relaxed and content after a long day of activities.

In yoga, when you finish and are relaxing on the floor all stretched and limber – that feels gorgeous!

And, when you are on adventures, you feel beautiful and curious to the new wonders you are exploring.

When my granddaughter snuggles with me and says, "you are so squishy" I feel perfectly beautiful.

Being around little ones, allows us to forget ourselves and just be!  

Be Beautifully Ourselves!

Being beautiful has way more to do about how you feel about who you are, than what you appear like.

Beauty will now earn its definition by how I feel and not my appearance.

I feel beautiful when I am in sorrow even, for that is pure truth.

I feel beautiful when I am done creating a quilt that brings me Joy.

I will now look for feelings of beauty in each day!

 Feeling beautiful is feeling we are free to just be who we are. I am able to feel beautiful when I am in sync with my soul, when I am tune with the truth around me.  

Feeling the most beautiful comes from the inside, much more than the outside opinions or social standards.

Beautiful is being joyfully your self, in all its honesty.

In accepting the wounds and the triumphs of life.

Embracing the sorrows is beautiful too.  It shows the capacity of the body to bear pain and continue to seek joy.

My body feels most beautiful when I am at peace inside of me.

My body feels most beautiful when I LIVE as close to reality as I can be.

When I am aware and a few steps away from denial.

 I am beautiful and I LIVE!

 

The clearness of the Lake Superior; offers no surprises. We can see clear through, and know its bottom and the lack of weeds. We know what lays beneath – for we can see it.

This clarity gives us confidence; not in ourselves so much, but in the outside. We can rely on its purity and lack of surprises. 

On this Lake, you do have to watch for changing conditions, for it can quickly go from flat to choppy.  

But, even when you capsize, you will be in clear water. The 'danger' seems less ominous.

When kayaking on smaller inland lakes, and near streams, the water itself is dark and murky and you can see evidence of the weeds and mud. This alone will stop many from kayaking in these waters.  Just the slim possibility of having to touch and enter into the unknown.

This was me.

I would have made my choice based on the worst case scenario.

It would have stopped me from going.

The minuscule chance, was proof that IT COULD HAPPEN, and maybe even would happen to me, IF I dared paddle over murky waters.

So, I said no.

 

What I have come to figure out over the past many years, is that by facing my darkest places within me, (the affects of abuse,) I am braver in other areas.

Or maybe, I am more confident in me.  

Or maybe still, less likely to base my decisions on the worst case scenario.

And perhaps more, recognizing the slim possibility doesn't mean it will happen.

 

I have been able to live differently having faced my worst fears.

Even lived my worst fears ever.

The reality of abuse.

And, the cost of accepting it – the loss of family.

 

What accepting abuse does is give you back your own sense of self esteem and confidence in you. It returns your power.

Often I have read that we are afraid, when our worst fears have already happened. 

However, if you don't go in and explore the worst fears that already happened, it leaves you afraid.

This may not make sense, but until you actually go and dive deeply into the facts of your abuse, and sit with the unexpressed emotions, you are left acting like it didn't happen. 

Yet afraid.

You haven't lived the fears through expressing them. 

You are afraid of what has already happened, but acting like you fear what will happen.

Crazy making for sure.

 

And, without digging deeply, you are left with low self awareness and confidence and will be afraid.

You have zero confidence in yourself to either keep your kayak afloat or to survive weeds and the unknown.  The worst case possibilities blocks out any other outcome.

 

Like floating into neat little coves and seeing the water flowers.

Of paddling and feeling muscles growing.

Of being with friends making new memories.

 

When I was out on the water this past week, it came to me that the murky bottom isn't where my focus went. I wasn't worried out there. I was totally enjoying the paddle. When we went over the weeds, I did acknowledge, I would not like to walk or swim in them. But, they held but 1% of my attention. The other 99% was fully aware of all the sights we saw along the way.

The eagle, blue heron, clouds, waves, etc.

There is a flip once you accept.  You are then able to give your whole attention to the rest of the world, instead to the one percent.

Which is the worst case scenario – 1% or less of it happening.

A once in a million. 

You instead get to experience the balance of the million wonderful views and experiences.

Being fearless doesn't mean you don't know fear. It actually means you know it, respect it, have felt its terrifying emotions, and have understood how we give it the most power.

When you come face to face with your worst fears and feel it all, you are then able to make choices holding fears hand.

The worst case scenario is there, but so is the balance of the rest.  

You hold the whole spectrum of fear.

I learned deep fear, when I went to see my mother for the first time after learning about my father's abuse. What I feared most, was that she would be unable to see me. To hear my words, and would instead defend my father.

My worst fear happened.  She only saw her own needs and my father.

And, I lived.

I survived.

I had to get up and walk away from my mother.

I did.

Feel this! Is what I said often.  Not wanting to miss a fraction of how abuse feels. How betrayal, neglect, and being in relationships that are one sided. Feel the fear of being alone. And, feel the strength that grows each time you do.

Feel the power of a mind who lives in denial. Feel their blindness. And, not allow it to define you.  Stand up bolder and brighter to be seen by you.

For, I know denial.

I lived there too.

I get it.

I want to live the rest of my life seeing life in all its multifaceted brilliance.

The bright blue skies and fluffy clouds over the dark murkiness.

The positive and the negative.

Life in complete balance is allowing them all to exist in your world.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Life happens in micro seconds, it is constantly flowing and becoming – as they say, "the only thing constant is change".

When I experienced an out of control vehicle tumbling down the road towards us, I was watching reality unfold.

In micro seconds, flip, flip flip, would we be caught up with this rolling vehicle?

How would this end?

I could feel how out of control we really are in life.

How it changes in seconds.

And, how it doesn't stop to ask our permission.

Instead it comes speeding towards you.

Often change is like this, a fast rolling car out of control.

Other times, there are subtle changes, things that happen slowly over time.

Regardless, change is always happening.

Life is moving.

Onward.

Forward.

No repeating and going back.

No do overs.

I love the dance and the aliveness of it all.

Leaving nothing for tomorrow.

Or next hour.

It is here.

Alive.

And, so are we.

We greet life as it arrives.

Not as our minds create it.

Life is ever present.

It doesn't wait for the mind's dialogue or permission.

Forever moving regardless of how you engage.

I am delighted by its reckless abandon to our plans.

Our dreams and hopes.

Its powerfulness leaves me with nothing to control.

I love that most.

I am not in control of how things go, who lives and who dies.

No amount of worry or angst will stop the flow of life.

We are here today, in this moment in time.

This moment is given and the next is unsure and without guarantee.

Living in this second, engaged with what is happening, IS where life is.

No matter where our minds want to take us, life is here. 

I spent so much of my life in my head, in the believe-a-head world, where I thought, my thoughts mattered more than life. Where the church spoke about 'forgiveness of sins' as if it could change life. As if it could change what had happened. As if the mind had more power than life itself.

What I know now, is that the mind while being powerful, it doesn't trump life.

It can have you sitting on the sidelines, but it will not control the flow of life.

Mind has the ability to make you believe it can change perceptions; It can only lay words upon reality. The mind's ability is to deny reality, but it cannot build it.

The mind can block you from reality.

But, reality rolls on.

There truly feels like there are only two forces at play, the mind and then reality.

Life happens.

If we are aware and accept it, we are with it.

If we fight what is, we are at war with reality and reality wins only but 100% of the time.

A rolling vehicle is reality, until it stops.

We drive on.

Unhurt.

Not our time to suffer.

The sun shines, birds sing, clouds drift, cars move, people walk, we love.

My mind is a peace with the changing flowing life.

I have lived blind to reality.

In denial.

I now see.

Whether it is a magnificent sunset or an accident.

The good, the horrible, the tragic and the delightful, the joy, and love…I see and feel this.

What ever this is.

Life is alive calling us to dance its tune.

The happy dance or the waltz of suffering.

Each of us will know its moves.

Today, the birds sing, the fan blows, the tea is warm, the child sleeps…

I awoke to life in progress.

I move and join its dance.

Our dance partner is what is happening right now!