I M Perfect lady

Category: Uncategorized

  • Love without Hurt.

    What I didn’t know was that my distrust of kindness and love, was actually fear, that love to me was very wobbly and had lots of sharp edges and was ever changing, it was smooth and calm one minute, but filled with rage or hurtful the next, I didn’t know that love didn’t have a hurtful side.

    To me, Love hurts. If not now, it is coming so prepare it room! There was no time in my life that love didn’t eventually turn to hurt, turn to mistrust, turn to betrayal…so, Love Hurts, eventually.

    In fact the people I loved were people with two sides.

    They had the side of trying to be good, be better, be kinder and then the side that failed.

    We were taught to forgive the failing side and to focus on the trying side.

    I was taught that all folks had this Light and Dark side, and that you overlooked (forgave) their darkness and put them back in the Light.

    It wasn’t focusing on the Light that did the damage, but overlooking the dark side.

    This dark side seemed to be forgivable, because it was uncontrollable, its animalistic ways were beyond human control, it rendered many a man helpless.

    It was a sin, that seemed to come in from the outside, but it wasn’t really them. A happenstance, but not of them, so do not throw a person away due to bad behavior. Forgive and forget, until the next time…

    These sins were just clouds that happened by and you got caught in them, it wasn’t something you had control over and within each human was a weak spot.

    A spot colored in by whatever ‘bad’ behavior they didn’t have control over.

    It is this spot that I have spent 6 years investigating within me, and it isn’t a spot, but my whole pathology of becoming me, a monster whose love was nothing but fear.

    I began to dissect all my relationships and all my actions to see what was what, only to discover, unbeknownst to me, I never met love, not the real love, the love that doesn’t change love, the real genuine thing.

    I was a stranger to real love. I had never felt real love, for within me lay fear. If you are full of fear you can’t feel love, all you feel is fearful.

    Fearful it won’t last, fearful it will betray you, unease and afraid, you sit with fear by love.

    My journey has been to climb out of the hole of fearful love, as a monster of fearful love and then in the Light of day, learn what love is.

    It was scary to show the world that I am fear, that I do fearful things, that I come from fearful places and have wounds of fear and that for 46 years I had no clue what love was, and was loveless inside.

    I had such empathy and love for my monster of fear while I was so inept at what love does, how love feels, where love goes, how it speaks, how it listens, how it lives.

    How grateful am I that I was able to transition from a fear-based life to one that is embracing love.

    That saddest part of being the monster of fear is that you feel you are handing out love, compassion, caring while you are sowing seeds of fear.

    I had to feel the icy water drip into me after I had transformed myself, to really understand this monsters message.

    When my daughter’s abuse presented itself to me, I had post traumatic like behaviors, I vacillated between fear and love, and I felt the calm peace and acceptance of love and the wild terrorizing bitter cold fear, and watch the affects both had on my daughter.

    My brave little daughter was caught in the maelstrom of this fear filled love monster.

    What an incredible transformation and what a roller coaster ride, for all who live with me, myself include, to get to just one side of love.

    Love without hurt.

  • Blanket of White Light

    I just awoke from a dream in which I was conversing with my mother, part of the dream she was there, the other she was on the phone, it vacillated back and forth.

    There was a lot of over talking where our loud voices drowned out the other; it portrayed pretty accurately how my feelings would react to her words and sentiments.

    What I feel the most is being washed over by her needs, like a heavy pull into her very twisted life, or being sucked into a vortex, while what I need the most was the serene peace away from her.

    Yesterday I heard about twenty minutes of an interview that Oprah had with a child suffering from being too sensitive to negative energies, and how he stated that he has to steer clear of negative people or their energies will invade his life and overtake his calm peace.

    He profoundly spoke of using White Light to surround himself and how this keeps the negative energies away.

    (I just went to http://www.oprah.com and watched him talking to Oprah about negative energies and White Light…it is at towards the ending of the write up and you can actually watch him.)

    His simple description of wrapping himself in White Light prevents him from being spun out of control by negative people and things, equals my backing up from many in my family. Once you know where the drains are we need to steer clear.

    What he also stated is that negative energies feed off of the calm energies…. When you put this into practical practice, you can see how pedophiles feed off little girls, and it changes them once the negative energies are allowed in, it alters their balance inside.

    It is clear to me the visual of dark energies and how if you are not aware, will be sucked into them and their world, how you will serve them and leave your calm peaceful self behind. As a child you are unaware of what even happened, and sadly in the case of the monster in the home, you can’t escape the negativity, you are saturated in it.

    This also seems to explain even my daughter, how her good energy was slurped up by his negative life situation eventually darkening her, changing her brightness, and dimming her.

    The little boy speaks of doing the White Light by saying and knowing he is calm, love, awesome, cool, wise etc.

    This is how we overpower the negative, by knowing who we are.

    In his case he is overly sensitive to anyone who is carrying negative energies, and that even in his home, his parents have to try and be peace, love and joy, for if they are worry, fretting and anxious, he feels that and responds.

    This brilliant example shows how our energies affect others.

    How I had to back up from my original family to maintain my inner peace, love and joy.

    And oddly enough it also shows me that my husband is right on track, when he said that our home had to be the safe haven for my daughter.

    My greatest feat in all of this, was to continually push away the thoughts and fears, and settle instead of keeping it a normal peaceful place to be and for me to match that peace as well.

    Our home had to be a White Light zone.

    My dream of the vortex of negative energy and how it wants to dance with my peace by washing over me and leaving nothing but a shell remaining.

    Unless I speak up, saying loudly and clearly, I know who you are what you want and I refuse you entrance in my world.

    My intent 6 long years ago was to go forth with Love, Peace and Joy, what I didn’t know then was that I was hooking my wagon to White Light.

    All my choices from that day forward had to match peace, love and joy inside. If I didn’t feel at peace I didn’t make that choice, be it mother, father, sister or brother, I let them all go for my peace.

    Now I know I was choosing to wrap myself in a blanket of White Light.

  • The Neglected Child

    “Do not leave child unattended” is a sign that should be on the inside of my eyelids.

    I was surprised to find that I too was unattended.

    I was one of the ones she left when she went on a weekend getaway, I was one of them, and I responded in a way I felt was needed, perhaps not what I wanted to do, but what was called for.

    The resentment I felt covered up my unattended feelings; the abandonment was hidden behind the duties of being responsible.

    I wonder if the reason I kept being so responsible, is I didn’t want to feel the loneliness, the feelings of being left alone, the absence of being cared for?

    As long as I focused on the resentment of being responsible, it shielded me from sitting down in the middle of forlornness of knowing I was carelessly handled.

    This camouflage feeling became the standard I lived by and was defined by and NOT labeled as unattended.

    In fact, I am sure I tried to present to the world that we were all put together and fine.

    When I take a quick jaunt backward, to the age I was, I see a slideshow of neglect.

    Some of the boys took this adult-free zone as a weekend of no rules, ‘let the party begin’!

    It seemed it was my poor choice to pick up the responsibility instead of play.

    I played adult.

    And I took on the responsibility with it.

    What I can only guess is that it was easier to play adult that it was to be the neglected child.

  • Thanks for Nothing.

    Not looking to invite more harsh words, but there is something that occurred to me today, they did not do nothing, they did something, but the reason I can’t tell you about it, is that they did something for my ‘dad’.

    What they did wasn’t nothing, it was something, yet it was nothing for me.

    So, I am wrong, they do know and they did do lots, it just was for the father.

    They have cared for him, housed him, fed him and talked to him, taken him to counsel, so I am way way wrong on this, they have done lots.

    They have paid the Defense fees, brought cognac, gave him a get out of jail free card, drove his truck to Texas, packed his stuff, paid his bail, bought his tobacco, visited him in jail, cried when he was arrested, hollered when I wrote my letter to the detective, oh yeah, that’s right, you did lots.

    I was wrong; the nothing I felt was that nothing was done for me.

    Not for me myself, but for all the girls that man touched and hurt, for all the girls who can’t speak up, I will say it for them, ‘thanks for nothing’.

  • Your Free Will.

    “Our bodies are our gardens – our wills are our gardeners.”  ~William Shakespeare

     

    I looked up the word willpower and it said, “the strength of will to carry out one’s decisions, wishes or plans.”

     

    What I didn’t know was that willpower needs a destination in mind a wish or a plan.

     

    Willpower needs direction and it awaits us to show the way.

     

    I had thought it was this ether like substance that some people have more of it than others. 

     

    Instead I think we all have willpower at the same level and it takes us where we decide to go.

     

    Willpower has no power without us, until we make a stand to either  stay or go, to do or not do, to make or not make, to fear or not fear, to love or not love, to be or not be, it will support our choice no matter what.

     

    It has taken the rap for not being there at full throttle, while the real truth is you changed your direction. 

     

    If you stop and turn back, willpower follows, it is your free will!

     

     

     

     

     

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  • I Stand In Awe Of You.

    Happy Birthday brother, you have always been outstanding. 

     

    I’ve seen you standing tall, even when it was the toughest thing to do.

     

    Standing as yourself, when yourself wasn’t accepted or condoned, standing when all you wanted to do was crawl.  Standing as you, when just being you wasn’t good enough.

     

    Standing in pain, standing in fear, standing in terror, standing in anxiety, standing in amazement, standing in understanding, standing in knowing, standing in courage, standing against fear, standing when others sit in judgment, standing as you, always out standing.

     

    May you always stand tall, stand proud, stand straight, stand in knowing, stand in compassion, stand in kindness, stand as the man you are, deeply and fully always embrace yourself.

     

    I stand with you in awe of your journey, your life, and your courage to always be yourself.

     

    As another year unfolds, as you look behind, notice all the places where you succeeded, all the lessons you learned, all the times a voice was needed and you found yours, in the times of weakness you prevailed.

     

    On this birthday celebrate the multitude of ways you have overcome much that seemed impossible, you stood up and continued on.

     

    I love your spirit, your courage, and your tenacity.  I love you as you.

     

    Happy Birthday brother I stand in awe of you.

     

  • Merry Christmas.

    “When we can accept all of life’s contradictions, when we can completely flow between the banks of pleasure and pain, experiencing them both while getting stuck in neither, then we are free.”

            Deepak Chopra

     

    It is truly amazing the wild ride Christmas Day can bring you on.  From the sweetness of our children and their appreciation, to the smiles and jokes in finding the perfect gift for each other, to strawberry crepes made by your daughter, to your son forever changing out Christmas Music for Rap, from waiting for relatives to arrive, and then onto the sleepiness after a big ham dinner, to the awkward silence between little seen relatives. 

     

    And as space opens up, and as a few members exit, the party finds its way back to rolling along, until the last guest leaves and you lay content on the couch, home restored to its natural harmony, giggles and familiarity restored, what a ride it has been, a mixture of all the senses, emotions and even energies, a reality blasted day.

     

    I also noticed how I changed between people, like they truly can make you respond differently bringing to surface different aspects of your self.

     

    I noticed the inner peace and comfort that I feel around my husband and kids, and how I become more silent and watchful around ‘distant’ relatives, not willing to share myself, but rising instead to social niceties, or not even to that. 

     

    I watched the ‘relatives’ resort to news and the weather, a common ground where strangers eagerly seek, yet made odd for history stands behind fully loaded, emotions near surface you can almost hear them bubbling.

     

    Christmas seems to make you spend time with people you don’t seek out all year long, for a multitude of reasons, an estrangement that grew little by little, or years of disappointment left unexpressed or voiced, you are now made to share a few hours or minutes.

     

    For the Spirit of Christmas, we pretend. 

     

    Is this odd to anyone but me? 

     

    That we feel ‘forced’ to invite and be with family that we are no longer comfortable with, where for the rest of the year we stand back from, we now invite them in.

     

    I am astounded, that on the most special of days, we drag in the most uncomfortable people we know, to spend time with, to be uncomfortable in our own homes!

     

    Is that the meaning of Christmas?

     

    As the day ended, and the natural state of being returned, in the peaceful knowing I survived another uncomfortable afternoon, barely scarred, the phone rings.

     

    My daughter answers, ‘it is for mom,’ she says.  As I pick up, I am too tired to wonder who it can possibly be.

     

    I spend more than a few uncomfortable minutes with my brother, he rambling about on hockey, hunting, and the various trips he made up here, to his job, his family, his birthday, to his Christmas.  My silence and unnatural forced response didn’t put him at ease.

     

    This conversation we have repeated countless times.

    Another holiday tradition I didn’t break off this year, but it was different on my side.

     

    I sat with the emptiness between us, unable or willing to fill it up with junk.

     

    Emptiness meeting emptiness, a vacant spot where sister and brother used to stand.

     

    The call ends, as it started, uncomfortable.

     

    Back to the couch, my husband, the tree lights, the girls banter, my life.

     

    Merry Christmas.

     

     

  • Gratitude of You.

    (I wanted to re-post this one too…..)

     

    Imagine if you will, two people with Posttraumatic Relationship Disorder, meeting the opposite person they were usually drawn to, yet forming a bond.

     

    If you understand the disorder, we are drawn to people who are not good to us, and can’t seem to be with people who are.

     

    My brother and I, even though we were raised in the same house, he and I didn’t share much common ground.  He went his way at eighteen and I went mine.

     

    Both victims of childhood abuse, we left home with our Disorder firmly in place and set out into the world fully packed for more abuse.

     

    While he left home and got as far away from our family, its religion, the rules and beliefs of our parents, I settled in and set up a home life much similar to my parents, minus the pedophile.

     

    We didn’t interact much with each other over the years, there wasn’t animosity, but nor was there a deep friendship either.  We were two grown kids doing the best we could, coming from whence we came.

     

    Somehow about 7 years ago, we began talking on the phone.  It was sporadic in the beginning yet an odd but interesting exchange always happened.  We began to explore and to seek a new and better God.  We met again for the first time.

     

    Shortly there after, he introduced me to yoga a well as new and exciting authors, and so began this most unusual relationship for us, the opposite of what our ‘disorder’ usually sought. 

     

    I now believe it was that fact alone that helped us the most.  I wasn’t his normal cup of tea if you will, nor was he mine, yet by our seeing the ‘other-side’ we were able to see where we stood.

     

    This may be hard to follow, but in my mind it is a clear as day.

     

    Up and until the time we re-connected we had no one to show us where we were wrong due to our Posttraumatic Relationship disorder!

     

    If you have a relationship disorder, you never really get to experience a ‘healthy’ relationship because the disorder won’t allow you to get there!

     

    It is simply amazing to me that we stuck it out, well it wasn’t always easy, we did go for months of silence, and had moments of major disagreements, but one thing always remained in the midst of us in the past 4 ½, Reality.

     

    Here we were two grown adult with this disorder or the affects of the disorder, learning to create or do a real relationship, the blind leading the blind.

     

    Except that I could see what he couldn’t see and he could see what I couldn’t see, so we were the perfect pair!

     

    I could see where his mind was confused and he understood perfectly where I had missed the mark.  We both needed the other to make sense of where we were, and even to where we stood today.

    Because of our similar childhoods with sexual abuse we were able to understand the unthinkable, to acknowledge the inner trauma and how it affects the body and mind.

     

    Where my mind was closed, my body was wide open and held the fear, his body was closed but his mind wide open to remember. 

     

    I was continually amazed at our sameness, but the differences we carried.  He remembered all, but his body was numb, my mind forgot all, but my body seemed to hold the memory alive.

     

    As far back as I can remember my mind and body were at odds, I would not be alone with my father, yet I couldn’t tell you why. 

     

    On December 4th 2004, I had the answer to a puzzle of 46 years, I made sense, the full disclosure of my life came tumbling out, and with it the aftershocks that left me standing in a pile of rubbish that was my life.

     

    The after affects were the knowing that I was with people who hurt me and couldn’t be with people who didn’t, that my whole system seemed to working backwards and upside down.

     

    The disorder had made such a mess of my world, I had a lot of relationships to rework or let go of, and in the midst of that my brother and I were both affected personally as well as a unit. 

     

    Our new relationship was going to be tried over and over and each time we were forging new boundaries and learning how to be with someone in a new way.

     

    He taught me and I taught him, together we stood true to ourselves and our inner truths, we challenged our minds and sought to reclaim a new reality, we shared books and new authors, to the millions of insights that would startle us and have us sitting back in our chairs, the volumes of ways we had it so wrong.

     

    It wasn’t a teacher and a student relationship although it was, we just kept changing chairs, sometimes I was being taught and others I was the teacher, it never seemed to matter which, if it was our time to be the student we welcomed the others great wisdom, and when it was our time to lead, we did so with the greatest respect.

     

    He thanks me in his blog, “Sister of Kindness” and I was beginning this blog at the same time.  Yet in it’s place came the blog about the Posttraumatic Relationship Disorder.

     

    I began a blog and was trying to share how we were the same but the opposites, how we connected in the most unlikely way, and how it was that we carried each other to the finish line while running the same race, and it seemed nearly impossible to write, but now I can see that I had to first read about the Disorder in Dr. Mona Lisa’s book, who we were and why.

     

    I didn’t have such a fancy name for our dysfunction, but I knew intuitively that we were the perfect opposites to make our way through.

     

    We have literally shared millions of hours on the phone, each in our own personal hell, sorting and labeling, tossing out and lamenting at each new loss, elated with each new freedom and fragment of self we discovered.

     

    If you can picture two lost souls buried under a mountain of rubbish, weakened and in total confusion, working in starts and stops to become free to stand tall and walk alone towards brighter future, that is who we are!

     

    The mountain of stuff we had to sort out whether it be in the reality of now or in the messed up past or in the vaults buried deep and out of sight in our minds, we have traveled great distances to get where we are today, and greatest feat is to figure out the messes of the mind.

     

    How do you do that?  How do you even begin to begin to begin sorting when you don’t even know that what is in your head is wrong?

     

    Our messes were created or began by little children, left alone in our minds without adult supervision, so we created and labeled and sorted out things as a child would, but then called it our truth.

     

    That inner truth was a beacon that led us down roads most would fear to go, in places and with people that were as messed up as ourselves.

     

    It is indeed amazing that you become color blind to the fact that you are both a mess. There is no one healthy person to compare your self too, no bright light of normal.

     

    Normal too is a fallacy for what is normal?  I have always said I went in search of normal but way overshot the mark.

     

    I am not normal in the general definition, but I am way normal for me.

     

    I am normal to me and my brother is normal to me, coming from the road we have been on, we are perfectly normal.

     

    We are the perfect example of two souls caught up in the disorder and the perfect pair to tag team and to work ourselves free.

     

    What a journey my brother and I have been on, one that required the fearless, a seeker of the truth no matter how shocking it was.

     

    We stood bravely and with courage without any idea what we stood against.  We were walking into a mad mad mind!

     

    A journey with my brother, wow what a road we have been on.  Thank you brother for being there, for being you and for walking the path you had to walk, because of it I can see.

     

    When you think that all your pain and suffering was for naught, it wasn’t, it was all for me.

     

    There is no word big enough, just Gratitude of you.

     

  • Happy Birthday Honey!

    Twenty-two years ago today, I became a mom for the first time. 

     

    You know how it is when you do something for the first time, how you pretty much learn as you go, and if you do it again, you feel more at ease and even improve in some areas, well this little girl had to be the first for everything and I used her to hone my skills, by trial and error.

     

    She is tentative by nature, and it really pushed her out beyond her comfort zone for each accomplishment.  She is much better being able to see the lay of the land, and to test the waters by watching first.

     

    Yet she took a deep breath and jumped in.  The first one to ride a bus, to go to school, to live in a dorm, to drive a car, the list goes on and on.  The rest just followed her lead.

     

    What a great leader she is, for she did what was required and did it well. 

     

    Once she understood that she was the one, that no one could do her life for her, she would do the task at hand, no matter if she felt out of her comfort zone. 

     

    That comfort zone is a place that can trap you and stunt your growth, and even when I knew it shook up her whole insides, I was forever behind her to move to the next level.

     

    It wasn’t that she didn’t know what her next move was, she preferred the next move to come to her, and don’t we all.

     

    I love how she shines with each accomplishment, how she is very diligent with her responsibilities, complaining is not her way.

     

    We have always said that she is so young and innocent at heart, living in the world of wonder and delight.

     

    Growing up or into a world infused with drudgery just doesn’t seem to happen, for her love of games, books, learning, etc keep life playful.

     

    As another year of life completes itself, I wish you another, filled with joy, love and peace.

     

    Thank you for always doing yourself regardless of your fears!

     

    Happy Birthday Honey!

     

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  • Riding on Scary Tires.

    Being a Mail Lady you need a car underneath you that will complete the route and make the ride enjoyable at the same time.

     

    Yesterday my ‘new’ mail car ended the day on only half of its power; my mechanic husband said it was only running on half of its cylinders.

     

    It had trouble standing idle, but did fairly well going down the highway.  There is a definite problem that he will work on today.

     

    My Caddy mail car has bald tires, but out of the two seems to be the better bet.  It runs fine, has an awesome satellite radio, and who really knows how many miles are left on the tires!

     

    If we could combine the best of the two we would have one awesome mail car!  

     

    All any of us can do is just head out and see what happens along the way.  No point getting all worked up about it, the tires will either make it or not. 

     

    There really isn’t a third option today, for the tires will be replaced next Tuesday and not a moment sooner.  The sparkplugs or coil or some such thing will be replaced later today, life just goes along in a sequence that we don’t design.

     

    Perfect for Happy Halloween, riding on scary tires!