It is interesting to me the dynamics of Functioning or Dysfunctional, and how the very nature of dysfunction leads you to make choices that will reap more dysfunction.
The very nature of dysfunction is to not look at what is, or not feel that which you feel, which leads to a life that you won't look at or feel, which has you facing forward to the next moment in time, but not this moment.
It is natural in the dysfunction to look ahead and disregard past behaviors, to not voice how you feel and to remain focused on the future, without looking out the side windows or definitely the back-window. To not follow through with what you feel, but toss your feelings behind you and look ahead.
My mother drove her life, heedless to how her actions affected us. Her attention on the future, kept her from dealing in the now. And she certainly was not going to look behind her at what lay there…and in doing so, years upon years of abuse lay scattered in her rear-view mirror, while she doggedly drove on into the sunset, never taking her foot off the gas peddle to stop.
Her not stopping her life for an act of abuse…made it so my father didn't have to stop either…If she stopped, he would have been made to stop.
She was his ticket to keep going.
While she focused on the wide window in front of her, he was off to the side abusing, and in her rear-view mirror we all lay abused…while her attention was looking anywhere but there.
Dysfunction is not looking and certainly not stopping your life style or interrupting your 'family' for abuse.
Dysfunction doesn't stop when it sees abuse. Dysfunction doesn't stop when it feels pain. Dysfunction doesn't stop when it is betrayed…dysfunction just plows ahead.
Heading to a destination that is far away from abuse, into happiness or laughter, but dysfunction certainly doesn't stop for abuse.
That is dysfunction. That is why families are okay with abuse, for it doesn't pay attention to it. It allows it to ride along in the rearview mirror by promising NOT to LOOK.
Looking at abuse is not permitted in dysfunction.
Speaking about hurtful behavior by another is not allowed in dysfunction. You are to forgive and move on, you are not allowed to hold 'grudges' or carry the truth forward, you must leave it lie in the rear-view mirror.
Dysfunction is to create a person without a past.
None of their 'sins' are taken into the future….only who they are today…sinless, abuseless, just a body without past actions….that is all that comes into the future.
You are not allowed to look at the junk in their trunk…that is dysfunction…you must keep separating actions from the person.
Surely I could keep a dad if I didn't bring forth the rape…that is dysfunction. Yet,I kept looking behind in the rear-view mirror and seeing the rape….oh why couldn't I just focus on today…and a rosie future.
In my experience, the only thing that happens if you never look back or out the side windows is Abuse gets to dance free….
While my mother stared ahead toward future happiness…my father was able to rape and fondle and forcefully hold many little hands upon his penis…dysfunction won't look at abuse.
Function stops and stares at abuse…function sees the child, function doesn't drive on…function stops her life…and stares behind her at all the flags she missed, all the places she didn't see…Function sees the monster…dysfunction sees the husband/wife.
In order to continue on without abuse, you have to see where you have been…how you drove and not take that road again.
Is impossible to stop abuse by not seeing it. You can stare for the rest of your life ahead and it will not stop.
Abuse needs you to not see. My father needed all folks to Not see his abuse. And sadly, only the children saw it. The helpless child felt the pressure of his powerful hands pressed upon his penis….they couldn't stop him.
Dysfunction will not stop and stare…
I believe children are told to not talk about it, not dwell on it, to forgive that action and move on….it isn't that it isn't seen, but we are told to look ahead, and not to look behind.
Not hold another person accountable…not let that one action or multitude of sins color their character, focus on the good times, the good things and ahead.
That is the ingredients of dysfunctional families. They don't stop for abuse…and they never look in the rear-view mirror.
"Objects Are Closer than they Appear"
I M Perfect lady 