Tag: communication

• Parents Call Family.

  I came across this paragraph in "Codependent No More" by Melody Beatte. 

  "Codependents are indirect. We don't say what mean, we don't mean what we say.  We don't do this on purpose. We do it because we've learned to communicate this way. At some point, either in our childhood or adult family, we learned it was wrong to talk about problems, express feelings, and express opinions. We've learned it was wrong to directly state what we want and need. It was certainly wrong to say no, and stand for ourselves. An alcoholic (abusive) parent or spouse will be glad to teach these rules; we have been too willing to learn and accept them." MB

  Communicating poorly was taught to us.

  To NOT communicate how we felt was demanded of us, expected of us.  This was dictated by the abusive parent who needed us to not mention how their behavior felt to us.  Or god forbid, speak of it to another person, share our experience, express our feelings… and communicate about abuse.  

  Even the spouse of the abuser will follow the rules.  They too will not talk about the 'problems' and the child then has no adult to which he/she can communicate directly.  

  Direct communication becomes extinct.

  If you communicate directly to these such folks, (abusers and their partners) you will be snuffed out, silenced, tossed to the curb, annihilated from their lives.  They will easily get rid of you so as not to hear a direct communication about a 'problem'.

  Their problem, their abusive behavior, their cover up, their lack of paying attention, their lack of doing nothing, their lacks in allowing abuse to continue on.  They certainly don't want to hear about it OR how it has affected the lives of so many and how it is now trickling down into the next generation. 

  Abuse has its own island, and while we were born upon that island, we can't tell anyone what happened there, how we lived, who was there and what happened…it is like we fell from the sky, but not raised in abuse. 

  Yet we spent the first 18 years of our lives there…and it is as if 'nothing' happened.  As if our early years are meaningless.  Our parents don't want to know that they indeed left a permanent scar

  Our battle scars are wounds that go unhealed, for the very thing we need to heal is forbidden.  We are not allowed treatment.

  Imagine, one parent wounds you and the other refuses to treat you…a child is left on the island unable to communicate, or it will be tossed out to sea, the sea of estrangement.

  And guess what, it matters not how many years pass on, whether you are now married with children, IF you ever dare speak of your life on the Island of Abuse, you will be banished…

  Many feel it is better to live among those on the Island and speak indirectly and without meaning, than to speak their truth and fall into the sea.

  Those are our two damn choices. 

  Pick one.

  The sea of estrangement brought me back to me.

  I still see the Island and hear about the Islanders, their parties and their lives…and in the early days of swimming alone, I longed to go back, but each and every time I considered it, I knew that I would have to leave the new me behind.

  The rules on the Island forbade the use of direct communication or expression of ones feelings or to discuss problems.  If I were to go back, I go back as a voiceless, choiceless, indirect and meaning not what I say girl.  I can't.

  Once you get used to swimming in the sea of freedom and truth, it is impossible to be happy on the Island of Abuse.  

  Which I know is why many parents are scared spit-less for their children to speak up and be direct, for it means they are heading to the open sea…and when they get a taste of being free, they will never return to the dark Island of Abuse. 

  One that the parents call family.

  

  December 18, 2011

  abuse, beatte, choice, codependent, communication, direct, express, freedom, melody, more, no, to, voiceless

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• Point of Conversation

  Martha Beck writes (In Leaving the Saints) about the way she was taught to communicate in the Mormon Church, “through continuous indirect communication, I learned that a good Mormon girl doesn’t travel in the dimension of direct communication.”

  This is how I believe most of us are taught and then call people who do talk directly and succinctly… bold, brash, cold and even bitter.

   Direct communication is scary after talking indirectly and around most sensitive issues, to just say what it is you need to say… feels terrifying.

  What I know is that there are reasons we are taught indirectness in our speaking. We are told either by words or actions ‘not to go there’ and we don’t, we learn to talk in a pretend roundabout way.

  We say things we don’t mean or feel…and instead say things that are not true…out of fear of getting in trouble if we don’t. Mostly we are taught to shut off our feelings and not to be so sassy and say what is on our minds. We are taught that indirect conversations are best for all concerned, it isn’t good to go to the heart of any issue.

  What I know for sure, is that I went along with the indirect conversations in my home and it costs me greatly in the end.

  Now, direct open frank conversations are the only ones I care to engage in, the others seem like disconnected words. Words that are not attached to the person or their truths.

  I had lived for years believing that words alone were powerful that they had this great impact upon the land, until I learned that unless words are with reality and truth, they are simply just words…meaningless.

  Minus meaning or meaning less than what needs to be said.

  There is no difference between what I say and what I do, they match.

  In the past, what I felt and what I said were worlds apart, like the polar opposites in life. I never felt that I could actually say what I feel, let alone act according to my feelings. I was taught to act against my feelings for the sake and happiness of others, out of love.

  If you love someone ‘you spare them your true feelings’ is the gist of what I was taught.

  And now I have learned if you love someone they above all deserve your truth.

  In the end it boils down to you either have a direct meaningful relationship or you have an indirect one.

  Indirect, do you care to guess its meaning? “Indirect, diverging from the direct course, roundabout. Not proceeding straight and to the point or object.”

  What I have learned in the past six years is that very few speak directly to the point…most are speaking in roundabout ways, they are trying to skirt the mountain of truths, to spare their feelings and the feelings of others.

  In fact, when speaking indirectly you will avoid feelings and miss the point of the conversation. 

   

  October 10, 2011

  communication, directness, indirectly, relationships, truth

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