In Mark Nepo's Book, "The Book of Awakening" for March 18th,
The Life of the Caretaker.
"Accept this gift, so I can see myself as giving."
"I have been learning that the life of a caretaker is as addictive as the life of an alcoholic. Here the intoxication is the emotional relief that temporarily comes when answering a loved one's need. Though it never lasts, in the moment of answering someone's need, we feel loved. While much good can come from this, especially for those the caretaker attends, the care itself becomes the drink by which we briefly numb a worthlessness that won't go away unless constantly doused by another shot of self-sacrifice."
"It all tightens until what others need is anticipated beyond what is real, and then, without any true need being voiced, an anxiety to respond builds that can only be relieved if something is offered or done. At the heart of this is the every present worry that unless doing something for another there is no possibility of being loved. So, the needs of others stand within reach like bottles behind a bar that, try as he or she will, the caretaker cannot resist."
"I have experienced this even in the simple issue of calling a loved one while away from home. Even when no one expects to hear from me, I can agonize over whether to call. Often, unable to withstand the discomfort of not registering some evidence of my love, I will end up going to great lengths to call."
" In truth, caretaking, though seeming quite generous, is very self-serving, and its urgent self-centeredness prevents a life of genuine compassion. In all honesty, to heal from this requires as rigorous a program of recovery as alcoholics enlist, including sponsors who will love us for who we are."
"Within one's self, the remedy of spirit that allows for true giving resides somewhere in the faith to believe that each of us is worthy of love, just as we are." Mark Nepo
This is my disease. This is where I felt my greatest hits of love and self worth, by how and to whom I gave. I gave to get…I needed to be needed in order to feel worthy.
When I discovered this within me, I had to quit cold turkey…to stop giving with an agenda in hand. I truly and completely felt the sentiments of "Accept this gift, so I can see myself as giving."
I was unable to sustain my own self worth without a second party gushing or being grateful for what I had done. My inner well of worthiness was nonexistent. Without doing for others, I was empty.
It was very hard to purposefully not give. I felt horrible and mean and uncaring. The worse I felt, the more I knew how backwards I had giving.
To give with the freedom of no returns was not something I had ever done.
All my giving came with very fine print…."I give to make me feel special".
I had to turn all my giving inward, to become a self contained container of worthiness, without using other people's needs to keep me afloat.
My greatest sense of self was gained by giving…and my biggest hits of love came from what I did, not from who I was.
It was horrifying to see that all or most of me was built outside of me…and the only way to find my true love of self, was to no longer give to be worthy.
I had to become worthy by doing nothing for others…until my own well of worth was full.
The freedom of having your own well of worth is hard to explain…to be a self contained unit. To have an inner source, a well spring of worthiness inside, to have it fed from the inside out…is to live a life completely different.
One is empty…and forever seeking a new hit of worth.
The other is full of self worth…self love and completely whole all alone.
I M Perfect lady 