Tag: insane

• My mind’s point of view.

  Byron Katie says, “There are no mistakes” and I have to agree. We do that which we do with the knowledge and awareness we have at the time, when we know better or believe differently we do better.

  It isn’t a mistake it is a level of understanding.

  I even looked up the word Mistake and here is the definition,

  An error or fault resulting from defective judgment, deficient knowledge, or carelessness. 2. A misconception or misunderstanding.

  Some how we were taught that mistakes were bad, yet in reality it is a case of deficient knowledge and defective jugement.

  We can only act at the level of understanding, it is impossible to be above your level of knowing, it simply can’t happen.

  Byron Katie’s passion is to question stressful thoughts, to go after the thoughts that make us suffer.

  Mostly I think we suffer believing we are supposed to be where we are not, doing things we didn’t know how to do.

  We are where we are.

  We know what we know.

  And we can’t know what we don’t know.

  And once we know we can’t not know.

  It seems that life is all about being here and agreeing with what you know now, accepting yourself in this moment fully.

  Looking backwards you can see with your new found wisdom the places you missed the mark, but due to your level of understanding in that moment, it makes perfect sense, so no mistake, just the lack of knowing.

  On that dreadful day when I woke up to the fact that all I knew was not all there was to know, I found that I knew much less than there was to know.

  My greatest strength was being able to let go of all I knew to begin to learn about the things I didn’t.

  I simply sat down in the fact that I lived a life at the tip of the iceberg and it was to my own benefit to get to know me. Imagine living as me but knowing me.
  An incredible frightful place to find yourself living as someone you don’t know.

  My first step was to admit to myself I didn’t know me, know where I came from who the people I called family were, I began looking at my life as a stranger would.

  I began from the stance of I know nothing.

  And by doing so was able to be open to everything.

  I had lost confidence in all I knew and had no pre-sets or standards to adhere to, I was standing naked in an open space willing to see reality without my minds concepts.

  Mindless I stood.

  The landscape I then discovered didn’t match my old mind at all.

  We then danced this dance between reality and my old mind, like a game of old maid, trying to see what matched and what did not.

  In the end my mind lost only but 100% of the time.

  As Byron Katie says, reality is God and God is reality.

  I guess we could say the only mistake is believing an unchallenged mind.

  For I challenged my mind against reality, nothing was too sacred for the test, no family member, no title, no past cute deeds, all I dragged into the game of matching mind to reality.

  My mind was so far off the mark, that I began to understand that I fell into reality with a broken mind.

  Or you could say I went out of my mind on that day when I discovered a pedophile instead of a dad.

  And I did.

  My mind had a story that didn’t match reality, a story that I held sacred was an illusion, it couldn’t walk in reality.

  All my love, my life and my way was poured into an illusion that wasn’t even true.

  At 46 I awoke in the middle of a nightmare, in a play where I was the star but it was based upon lies, lies that I called truth. My fantasy world crumbled and a nightmare slid in place.

  Harsh reality boldly took over where my pretend mind stood.

  Yet this reality was actually kind to me, it affirmed my path, it resonated with my body, and it set me free from the mental mind.

  If your mind is not clear and you can’t see reality, you are then living in a foreign land, once removed from reality.

  You can live there for a lifetime and not touch reality.

  I know this seems insane and it is, to be in reality and not know it.

  I lived for 46 years in a mind that was blind to what is.

  Doing things that no one in their right mind would do.
  Saying and believing things that only an insane person would do.

  Yet there are no mistakes in my past.

  My past life was lived from my mind’s point of view.

  February 5, 2011

  beliefs, byron Katie, choices, dark, insane, knowing, life, mental, mind, mistakes, no mind, questions, reality, right, unchallenged

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• Keeper of their Illusions.

  One more part that really stayed with me from Sickened by Julie Gregory.

   

  “I now feel ready to try and talk to a therapist again.  Most times I do not feel like a client, but an educator who pays to teach my therapist about MBP.  I answer her questions?  How did it slip past the doctors?  Why didn’t anybody notice? Didn’t you have neighbors?  Were you really sick?

   

  But still, in our sessions, I cry from the guilt of betraying my mother, for not keeping the shroud on her secrets when I held them locked in such trust.  And I feel terrible about my own secret.  I have been writing, writing about what it feels like to be cut open while your mother’s tight, thin smile mouths, “Doctor’s orders, honey.”  To be emptied and filled by your mother, just like the IV bag she’s arranged for you. And to believe you are genuinely ill because that is what everything in your world mirrors back to you.

   

  My therapist explains that my mother was cannibalistic.  That she wanted to ingest my living flesh, to tear chunks from my body. That the closest she could come to cannibalizing me was to lift me onto the serving platter for the men of the medical community to carve.  The longer I hold guilt for betraying her, the more I will keep climbing on the platter all by myself.

   

  And yet the hand that pushed me down was the hand that helped me up.  The one who beat me was the only one to save me from being beaten. The one who wanted to kill me was the one who would kill her self if I didn’t offer myself under the knife.  I was trained from the womb as an alibi for her innocence.  She would snuff out my life if I went against her, even in thought.  She brushed me this way as casually as you would slide a ling brush down a pair of slacks, to get all the grain running in the same direction.

   

  I still told myself that it was okay, it really wasn’t that bad.  A normal sacrifice for any child to make for her mother.  Words programmed into me as my own. Tangled in her web, if a doctor couldn’t decipher what she did, how could I?

   

  Until I turn thirty.  Then I see her almost as clearly as if I was standing on a windswept sea cliff and she was looking up from the sand below.  There is only one line that connects us, and it is wrapped around my waist; my hunger is tied to the most intimate, emotionally deep contact you can ever get: a mother’s touch.  Anything less that where she took me feels like not enough.

   

  And so it is for the people I bring into my life.  My relationships, like the one I had with my mother, turn immediately intense, sometimes violently invasive.  I start to see that I surround myself with broken people; more broken than me.  Ah, yes, let me count your cracks.  Let’s see, one hundred, two…yes, you’ll do nicely.  A cracked companion makes me look whole, gives me something outside myself to care for.  When I’m with whole, healed people I feel my own cracks: the shatters, the insanities of dislocation in myself.

   

  So I start over.  When I ruin something or when someone vines around me, I move on.  It is just another opportunity, another chance to interact with the outside world and not have it take me completely, utterly to the bone.”  Julie Gregory

   

  As much as her mother needed her sick, my mother needed me innocent.  We are the exact opposites.

   

  She was well and her mother needed her to be unwell.

  I was molested and not okay, and my mother needed me to be okay to hold her marriage, her life, and her world together.

   

  We both found out that what our mother’s needed had nothing to do with us, but rather we were the vehicles used to get her where she wanted to be.

   

  Perhaps we know what our unveiling will do to our mothers, we are wrecking purposefully her illusion, and we are no longer caring enough to sacrifice ourselves for their insanity.

   

  We know we are shattering their dreams to a million pieces… yet their dreams go on; someone takes our place to be the keeper of their illusions. 

   

   

   

  July 27, 2010

  abuse, childhood, daughter, guilt, insane, mother, mother’s love, ties

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