What I didn’t know was that my distrust of kindness and love, was actually fear, that love to me was very wobbly and had lots of sharp edges and was ever changing, it was smooth and calm one minute, but filled with rage or hurtful the next, I didn’t know that love didn’t have a hurtful side.
To me, Love hurts. If not now, it is coming so prepare it room! There was no time in my life that love didn’t eventually turn to hurt, turn to mistrust, turn to betrayal…so, Love Hurts, eventually.
In fact the people I loved were people with two sides.
They had the side of trying to be good, be better, be kinder and then the side that failed.
We were taught to forgive the failing side and to focus on the trying side.
I was taught that all folks had this Light and Dark side, and that you overlooked (forgave) their darkness and put them back in the Light.
It wasn’t focusing on the Light that did the damage, but overlooking the dark side.
This dark side seemed to be forgivable, because it was uncontrollable, its animalistic ways were beyond human control, it rendered many a man helpless.
It was a sin, that seemed to come in from the outside, but it wasn’t really them. A happenstance, but not of them, so do not throw a person away due to bad behavior. Forgive and forget, until the next time…
These sins were just clouds that happened by and you got caught in them, it wasn’t something you had control over and within each human was a weak spot.
A spot colored in by whatever ‘bad’ behavior they didn’t have control over.
It is this spot that I have spent 6 years investigating within me, and it isn’t a spot, but my whole pathology of becoming me, a monster whose love was nothing but fear.
I began to dissect all my relationships and all my actions to see what was what, only to discover, unbeknownst to me, I never met love, not the real love, the love that doesn’t change love, the real genuine thing.
I was a stranger to real love. I had never felt real love, for within me lay fear. If you are full of fear you can’t feel love, all you feel is fearful.
Fearful it won’t last, fearful it will betray you, unease and afraid, you sit with fear by love.
My journey has been to climb out of the hole of fearful love, as a monster of fearful love and then in the Light of day, learn what love is.
It was scary to show the world that I am fear, that I do fearful things, that I come from fearful places and have wounds of fear and that for 46 years I had no clue what love was, and was loveless inside.
I had such empathy and love for my monster of fear while I was so inept at what love does, how love feels, where love goes, how it speaks, how it listens, how it lives.
How grateful am I that I was able to transition from a fear-based life to one that is embracing love.
That saddest part of being the monster of fear is that you feel you are handing out love, compassion, caring while you are sowing seeds of fear.
I had to feel the icy water drip into me after I had transformed myself, to really understand this monsters message.
When my daughter’s abuse presented itself to me, I had post traumatic like behaviors, I vacillated between fear and love, and I felt the calm peace and acceptance of love and the wild terrorizing bitter cold fear, and watch the affects both had on my daughter.
My brave little daughter was caught in the maelstrom of this fear filled love monster.
What an incredible transformation and what a roller coaster ride, for all who live with me, myself include, to get to just one side of love.
Love without hurt.
I M Perfect lady 