It was a photo finish; my 60-day yoga challenge ended about the same time my co-dependent life challenge stopped or was recognized deeply.
I looked up the word co-dependent.
co·de·pen·dent ( kō ' dĭ-pĕn ' dənt ) adj. Mutually dependent. Of or relating to a relationship in which one person is psychologically dependent in an unhealthy way…
Psychologically dependent, is a huge concept that I wasn’t aware of, yet I acted it out daily.
It isn’t like it is my first thought, but it is a humming that goes on in the background, an unease to stand alone without support, hence ‘co-dependent’!
What is even more odd is that if you get support, your mind will tell you that you need ‘everybodies’ support and it picks apart those who don’t support, in word and deed, your latest adventure.
On the eve of this Challenge ending, I say to my husband, “tomorrow is my 60th day of yoga, 60 days in a row,” to which he replies, “oh” and goes back to his reading.
Well, my mind, my little co-dependent mind was given a huge gift in that one little word and no gesture, it ran scenarios for at least an hour, while I tossed and turned trying to calm down to rest.
I finally did yoga breathing in and out, and said to myself, “there will be an answer, let it be,” in hopes that during the night, or during yoga something would come to me.
My co-dependent mind attacks first the person who it feels should be saying doing and being something for me.
Yet reality showed me a man calmly reading his magazine, not one who hated me, my yoga, my life etc, just a man calmly enjoying his life.
So, inward my eyes turned, tuning into my feelings, my needs, my cravings, and my desires outside of myself for “good girl”!
How was it that I and I alone can’t be enough for me?
As I did my yoga today, there was sadness for the girl who isn’t enough by herself for herself, alone.
And ironically, by doing this yoga for 60 days in a row I have been strengthening myself, growing stronger and more balanced alone, I am a whole me, even one who is working to get free of co-dependency.
I also felt the flip side of how I turned on my husband when he didn’t voice a great cheer for me, how instead of love flowing towards him, I had anger.
Anger because HE wasn’t using his voice to cheer me, HIS actions were not supportive enough, he doesn’t see me, etc.
(I was wise enough to keep the words/thoughts to myself, until I had a firm answer.)
Again I had to let him go free, to be a man sitting in a chair reading what IS interesting to HIM.
Imagine! And guess what, I can freely do my yoga. He isn’t telling me lift that leg higher, stay in that posture longer and then mad when I can’t or telling me I am not allowed to change and become a yoga lady.
That damn co-dependent mind. It is that mind that this yoga works the best on, it will take that mind and bring it back to reality.
A boy in a chair reading what he loves, and a girl in the basement doing yoga that she needs in order to set them both free.
Free from the psychological dependency in an unhealthy way. It is unhealthy and leaves me less than, and leaves him leaving his life to be in mine.
There is only room on the yoga mat for one, me!
It is a solo dance.
I am learning how to live alone.
You are right Mr. Bikram.
Yoga makes you you!
My one voice is a cheer enough.
I did it!
I M Perfect lady 