I M Perfect lady

I awoke at 4:00 am, with my right hand tightly clenched, my arm sore.

A dream flooded my awareness.

I was at a beach, and saw a young girl pour gasoline into the front seat of my car, I hollered, and she looked at me and continued to pour.

When I arrived at the car, she was still standing there smiling and pouring gas in my car, I caught her hand.

And held on.

We were connected for hours, while I tried to call the police, while we waited for them to arrive, while we waited for them to do something.  For the whole long day, I had to hold on to this unruly defiant child, this young girl who did everything in her power to get a way.

I went from hanging on tightly with one hand to at times keeping her in a double arm hug/hold.

She had friends who came by and made snide comments to me, while they tried to get her free from my grasp, yet I held on tighter. 

Her mother and family also happened by, and the mother said, go ahead see if you can do something…

All day long this longhaired, thin as a rail girl and I were joined, she wanting so desperately to get away and I as so determined to hold her.

When I awoke, I realized this is a great metaphor for holding on to wishing someone would change.

It took all my energy, attention, concentration, to hold on to this girl who wanted to no part of what I wanted, and I wouldn’t let go.

Neither of us allowed to be free.

All it takes is one person to change their direction of struggle, it only takes one and we are both free.

As I look upon the last few days, and me trying to get my sisters to see my point of view….this struggle depicts it perfectly.

I am trying to convince them against their will.

When I went to bed last night, I recalled how my mother always focused on who didn’t arrive; who didn’t send a card, who didn’t treat her well, and then wasn’t able to be aware of who did. 

Her habit became my habit, I too lose many hours of precious time focusing on a segment of people who are in my mental mind’s opinion, not doing what they ‘need’ to do.

I felt a long line of misunderstanding unravel last night as I lay in bed, and then the dream filled my sleeping hours.

If you are so busy working with those struggling against you, you can’t play and enjoy those with you.

I am letting them go…

In my dream, as the long day ended, when we were both tired, I took her information down on how to reach her, and I let her go.

My last sight of her was her walking away free, adjusting her clothes and shrugging and correcting herself, like a dog shaking its self once free from a leash.

And I sat there rubbing my hand that had held on so tightly….